Keeper: [2] *edited*

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Bonjour, I am here to critique this very nice sounding piece! [:
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“Oh, Okay.”

Can I ask why you capitalized okay?

...she was defiantly someone who could pressure you into anything...

There is a difference between defiantly and definitely you know? In your sentence, choice numero dos would be correct, (:

“You should go home,” Jaden’s Father, Mark, said.

Father really shouldn't be capitalized, it isn't required for this sentence.

Zack’s check was defiantly going to be under 500 dollars...

Note number two in the above.

Since Taxi’s were expensive, Lia decided to walk home, it wasn’t that far anyway.

Were you talking about a specific taxi company? I don't think you were, taxi does not need to be capitalized.

She walked down the long sidewalk with only a few other people, probably workers walking home as well.

After workers place a comma. It sets off probably and workers, in a good way. I'm sure there's a 'professional' definition of that, but who cares?

Wile Ebony hair sprouted....

You made a slight typo at the beginning. Wile really should be wild. And are you talking about color or a name? I think you mean color, ebony doesn't need capitalized.

She hastily yanked her hand free. “Listen creep.”

Comma after listen, please. You're setting off a name. See, there's the setting off phrase again. What is the real term? Hm, ignore that, anyway continuing on....

“I won’t tell anyone, Please!”

I wonder. Why in the world did you capitalize please? Last time I checked, it never needed capitalized, xD.

He ignored her, “Demon,” He addressed the thing.

I don't know about this one. I would re-structure it like this: 'He ignored her. "Demon," he said addressing the thing.' Indeed, that looks much better.

If the thing killed him, it’d defiantly kill her too.

Check out point number 2, (;

Yes, most defiantly. “Are You Kidding?”

You like capitalizing, eh? Please note that the three words in the quote all start with a capitalized letter?

“Lia, come on, It’s safer to come with me.”

Words after commas do not have to be capitalized. You did that with the second part of this sentence. Don't worry, it's an easy fix.

Levi struggled to keep her comfortable in his arms.

He has a name now? Or did you switch views? I'm hoping you switched views! Oh, bloody hell. I think you did, are you? I sound insane, forgive me.
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I was hyper when I wrote out this review. So if I sound, well, loopy in parts, it's all cool [; Anyways, this is all that I found. Others will probably find more.

Edited

Thanks for the review.
I didn't know I was capitalizing everything!
I'm hitting my head right now, hah-ha.
I took out the last part for my own benefit later on, plus it wasn't really needed.
Is switching views a bad thing?
Anyways, thanks for the pointers!

~Pink

Hey Pink.
Sorry if this review is not as in depth as my previous one. I just simply do not have the time to go line by line with you. Major college things coming up. You understand ha.
Some major things I noticed:
Your beginning is good, but not strong. I like her inner struggle with last nights events, but I think you could take it even a step further, you know? Flashes of images? Jumpy when someone touches her shoulder? That kind of thing.
Another thing, the tattoos. I know I've read ahead and all, but waaay to point-out-the-obvious. Try to make it more subtle.
Zack. I realize now that she's not dating him. That is a bad thing. You need to make it clear that they are in fact, just friends. Because the way she always has a tendency to think about him, either you are going to have them get together down the line, or make it more of a BFF relationship.
You have a tendency to say "Stranger" instead of "the stranger" is that on purpose? I'm not sure. And you go back and forth. Fix that please.
Go through, you have some grammar and sentence stucture mistakes. Hard to find now that I look back...
That's all I can really think of right now. Sorry if it's harsh.
Good things:
I'm very interested in this. I will post a simular review like this for your next chapter. And hopefully soon, you'll have the fourth part up soon...Please? ha.
Sorry again for the shortness of this.
-Jayleigh

Hey I really love this, but I am confused. I know she is dating Zack but could you make that more apparent please? I was confused until I re-read it and then I got it? But otherwise it is great! Please keep writing

WONDERFUL! great way to keep me hooked my adding suspense at the end!!!! now i really cant wait to read the next ones