Overbid my Romance

in the hatchery of discovery
trouble ought not spoken of
confusion lisps me bay
but endlessly
so spoken, soft
step lively lightly love
the eggshells may waken
glisten and blister
and little beedle's lullaby
she sighs
sing, my darling, sing
please oh righteous plea
tread like light as a breeze
some say sadness is sweet
and so repression may be
but grief, my sore disbelief
grief nay not let you sleep
sorrow follow
scurry hurry
worry worry
confusion of my mercury
immovable movements in collision
what was yours and mine
compromising dark lovely vision
whore half of me for half a dream
become, you dreamed of her
to discover there, oh -
I weep before I speak
so I lament, I wanted to say
I love you





~*~
Been gone for a long while now. Missed the heart of this place. Return in force.
~*~

in the hatchery of discovery
trouble ought not spoken of
confusion lisps me bay
but endlessly
so spoken, soft
step lively lightly love
the eggshells may waken
glisten and blister
and little beedle's lullaby
she sighs
sing, my darling, sing
please oh righteous plea
tread like light as a breeze
some say sadness is sweet
and so repression may be
but grief, my sore disbelief
nay not let you sleep
sorrow follow heart in worry
confusion of the mercury
immovable movements in collision
what was yours and mine
compromising a dark lovely vision
whore half of me for half a dream
become, the dream of her
to discover there, oh -
weep deep before she'll speak
so in lament, I wanted to say
I love you

~*~
More critique welcomed. my heart's in this - but help in custom wished for.

Mandorelute,

How good to see you around here! I've missed reading your poetry, although I never comment.

It's not often that I find poetry that keeps me reading after the first few lines. I read this one through-- the beginning was quite excellent, and I enjoyed it.

Towards the middle of your poem, the words are pushing. See here:

some say sadness is sweet

I don't like this alliteration-- it's seeming a bit forced, because before this you have an indirect way of speaking that flows excellently. Here, it kind of trips up the flow of things with the "some say". It's kind of generic and unexciting, haha, and I think that without it, or with some variation it could be a little better.


And here:

but grief, my sore disbelief
grief nay not let you sleep

The repetition really shouldn't bother me, but I don't like the repetition of 'grief' here. I know it's reinforcing what's being spoken of, but it seems like a force on rhyme, and I think it would be better without it, especially if you include a comma after disbelief, dear.

sorrow follow
scurry hurry
worry worry

Hmmm, I'm not too sure about this part at all. It doesn't seem to be giving anything substantial to the poem, dearie, and I think because it rhymes it kind of imposes a bit of a drag.


From there, the poem kind of takes a slight turn. Before, it's got an indirect way of speaking, but then a narrator is introduced. I'm not too sure that I like this, because it kind of gives a different tone to the poem and messes with the flawless read to it, as well as adding a touch of cliche to it.

Other than that, I think you've done a good job on this poem. There's just a bit of space for improvement, but other than that, I enjoyed it. The beginning was superb.

Good luck writing. Hope to see more of you stuff around here!

Juniperre

This was very interesting. I was engrossed in it from the third verse. Very beautiful. I did enjoy reading it. It painted a vision in my mind. Everything in it seemed very well put. Good job. I look forward to more of your work.

Not many people write like this anymore, I find it refreshing, at first I was some what confused and it seemed as though the more I read the more I understood, which is unique, your description is very good, the repetition of grief though seems a little to much, find a synonym that may help it seem less forced, amazing in all! Can't wait for more!!

i really ejoyed reading your poem it was really fun and it told me about how romance is very nice and enjoyable. and i agree what zack said above me. tru dat and keep up da good work. im out.

Whoa... now that was deep! You used a very good selection of words here, and the length was impressive! It was sort of confusing...or maybe I am just slow...haha. Either ways you have got a lot of skill here so keep up the amazing writing. If you ever need a review I am happy to help out. Seeya!

Its a bit sad but its sweet keep on writing i loved it :]