The Janitors -Chap1/Part 1: An Attack-

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A short, bald, plump man in a pin striped suit walked stressfully backstage of the Freedom Theater. He was perspiring between the heat of being backstage, the tight suit and the people swarmed around him; a deep scowl formed on his face.
“Sir, I have Governor Arnolds on line 4.”
“Tell him, I'm in the middle of a show! Why is he such a-” he was interrupted.
“Sir, you're sweating. Shall I?” said another voice.
“It's your job isn't it?” he said angrily. The lady began to dab his forehead and another sprayed deodorant around him. He coughed from the spray and swore. Between the rude comments, anger management issues and sweaty body one would not have guessed this man is the 'honorable' James Carter, Vice President of the United States of America.

“Sir your blood pressure, calm down.”
The Vice President shot his medication adviser a dirty look then counted to ten.
As he neared seven he caught a word that caused him to yell, “All of you dispersed, except you Johnson.” The people scurried away from the Vice President, partly in fear and partly in relief. “Now what was that you said Johnson?” The Vice President said slyly.
“Sir, a man named 'The Commander' is on the phone. He says everything's in order,” Johnson spoke in a bored tone looking down at his clipboard. “Then also we received an email from the Prime Minister of-”
“Enough Johnson. Dismissed.”
“Yes sir,”

The Vice President straightened his suit and tie then pulled out his handkerchief and dabbed his forehead. So, he managed to organize it all by the deadline. Well at least I won't have to pretend to care about mutant freaks in the country anymore. He put on a false smile to wear for the cameras but it soon turned real at the realization of The Commander's message. He took a deep breath, then stepped out onto the stage.

Masses stood in front of Vice President Carter, cheering his name. “Carter! Carter!” they chanted as he waved at them. He formed the Salute to Mutants with his fingers by lifting up both his ring finger and small finger and pressing down on the other fingers with his thumb, then interlocking his gesturing hands, he raised his hands high in the air and the favor was returned; thousands of mutants formed the salute and raised their hands high. The cheering rang louder.

He laughed a bit then turned to look to his left, the president sat on a chair. On his right the First Lady sat and on the left was the Secretary of Mutant Affairs. He gave Carter a thumbs up and then the Vice President waved to the crowd to quieten.

“Thank you,” he started. “Thank you very much. I am very honored that the President has let me speak on this issue. Thank you Mr. President. Today is really a great day. Today we will sign the bill which will end the mutant and norm... non-mutant segregation” He shifted his feet uneasily. “We... uh- want to... enter a new era. That will-” He took out his handkerchief and dabbed his forehead then gulped down some-water. “That will be beneficial to America as a whole not just for mutants or normals” this time he didn't bother covering up the word 'normal'.

The Vice President looked at his notes and then began to read them off, “In America, ever since people realized that there were those who were different from the norm, people have hated and hunted them. Today,” he pressed his fingers hard against the wooden podium “Today we end that.”

There was the keyword, end. The Vice President looked back down at his notes casually then there was a loud bang and everyone screamed in unison. The secret service launched into action instinctively, a group swarming Carter, another group the president, secretary and First Lady and a final group launching into the crowd to pursue the attacker. Carter looked quickly in the direction of the bullet as secret service agents swarmed around him. The president had been shot in the arm, blood flowed and stained his shirt. The secret service quickly grabbed him and ushered him backstage.

Carter was now backstage as well and being rushed to a secret parking underground. The secret service urged him into a black limousine. He could hear sirens wailing from the ambulance which carried president Reed. He thought of how the president's wife would be weeping and punching agents in the nose to get to her husband, of how his children who were watching back at home would be crying miserably and asking all of the staff whether he would be alright. Then he clenched his fist and shut his eyes tightly to keep from crying; he had lost his family. There was no one to care for him and now- now he would get the chance to repay those who killed his family.

“Mr Carter are you okay?” an agent asked as the limo zoomed out of the underground parking.
“Hmm? Oh, yes thank you.” The agent looked puzzled at the Vice President's calm but quickly began to check for any injuries or problems. Go ahead, there's nothing. Only one who is hurt is the president, he may even die. He won't be alone though, that's for sure...

The limousine passed through the city like a hot knife through butter. One turn after another, swapping positions casually with decoy limousines, to confuse any snipers. Vice President Carter tried to put on a look of pure fear and terror but he had trouble. The first phase of the plan went off like clockwork, the president had been shot. Hopefully he had died and Carter could become the President then get revenge. He could picture it now: several senators being attacked. America divided and now with this recent attack, everyone would hate the mutants. Carter would become president and pass a legislation to re-instate the mutant segregation laws. He'd have power and revenge.

A wicked smile formed on his face as he looked out into the evening sky of Freedom City, on top of Mount Freedom stood Zenith Tower which caused the smile to morph into a scowl. Beyond Zenith, they would be a nuisance. No matter, Carter already had a plan for them...




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This is a good continuation of the story. You showed Carter's nervousness realistically and accurately. Perhaps a little too much, because he doesn't seem very professional letting it show so obviously.

There was some clunky sentences, like this one:
He was perspiring between the heat of being backstage, the tight suit and the people swarmed around him; a deep scowl formed on his face.

Swarmed should be changed to swarming. The semicolon doesn't have any place here.

So, he managed to organize it all by the deadline. Well at least I won't have to pretend to care about mutant freaks in the country anymore.

You switched to first person mid thought. It's fine to switch for character thoughts, but it should switch for the whole thought. (Now that I think about it, I think you may be refering to The Commander when you say "He." If that's the case, you should make it more clear)

He laughed a bit then turned to look to his left,. the president sat on a chair.


“We... uh- want to... enter a new era. That will-” He took out his handkerchief and dabbed his forehead then gulped down some-water.

I wonder why the people in the audience aren't getting suspicious. It's quite obvious from his body language that he's hiding something.

Go ahead, there's nothing. Only one who is hurt is the president, he may even die. He won't be alone though, that's for sure...

I believe you intended to italicise this.

Anyway, great chapter which moved the story forward a lot. Carter is an interesting character, and it's a riveting plot. It's nice to read something from the villain's point of view.
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Thanks for the review Hippie, can you guess who Carter is stereotyped after?




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Hey Hero! Here as requested.

Ok, so I went and had a look at the prologue - amazing! You totally got me hooked.

And this chapter follows it up really well; you've portrayed Caryer's emotions well, the story is progressing nicely and we want to know what happens! It's awesome.

A short, bald, plump man in a pin striped suit walked stressfully backstage of the Freedom Theater. He was perspiring between the heat of being backstage, the tight suit and the people swarmed around him; a deep scowl formed on his face.


However, I have to say I really don't like your opening line. As Hippie said, it's clunky.
First off, saying that he walked "stressfully" doesn't work for me. Remember what your teachers have tried to drum into every students head? "SHOW, don't TELL."
So, how do you know he's stressed? Is he tapping his fingers? Jumping at every little sound? Are his eyes flickering back and forth? Give us something like that and it'll sound better.
The second part "He was perspiring between the heat of being backstage, the tight suit and the people swarmed around him; a deep scowl formed on his face" really doesn't work well. It is confusing and awkwardly worded. It's a nice idea, just tell it better.

He put on a false smile to wear for the cameras but it soon turned real at the realization of The Commander's message.


For some reason (don't know why, I just get these feelings) I think that this should be said differently. I mean, he already knows about the Commander's message so he wouldn't suddenly realize it then. Personally, I think it would be better if you said:
"Usually his smiles were fake; painted on his face like they were on a Russian doll. Tonight however his smile was real. It was all going to plan!"
Ok, so I understand that is not the best way to put it at all, but I hope you see hwere I'm coming from.

And I am with Hippie on another thing, Carter really shouldn't be so nervous. Before he walked on he seemed confident and assured of his success, carry on with this persona.

Overall:
I really like this! I want to know what happens next. It's original and entertaining so please write more xD.

PM me when the next chapter comes out!

Hope this helped a little.
~Amy
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Hi! Here to review:

First of all, your first paragraph isn't a very good eye-catcher.

A short, bald, plump man in a pin striped suit walked stressfully backstage of the Freedom Theater. He was perspiring between the heat of being backstage, the tight suit and the people swarmed around him; a deep scowl formed on his face.


There is too much description, in my opinion. You just can't take in that much information, while still retaining some sort of flow. You say short twice effectively, saying plump, because you usually associate plump with shortness. Also, it's kind of tell-ish. I would suggest re-making it into something like this:

Code
A plump man walked backstage, rubbing a slick layer of sweat off his bald head. As he pushed his way through the surrounding swarm of people, he had to take deep breaths of the humid air. His tight pinstripe suit, which clenched into his sides, compressing his stomach, was only one of the reasons for the deep scowl that was forming on his face.


Between the rude comments, anger management issues and sweaty body, one would not have guessed this man is the 'honorable' James Carter, Vice President of the United States of America.

Just added a comma.

“Sir your blood pressure, calm down.”

Should be two different sentences

“Yes sir,”

Unless you have something directly after the speech, you should just have a full stop.

There was the keyword, end. The Vice President looked back down at his notes casually then there was a loud bang and everyone screamed in unison. The secret service launched into action instinctively, a group swarming Carter, another group the president, secretary and First Lady and a final group launching into the crowd to pursue the attacker. Carter looked quickly in the direction of the bullet as secret service agents swarmed around him. The president had been shot in the arm, blood flowed and stained his shirt. The secret service quickly grabbed him and ushered him backstage.


AHHHHH!!!! Oh no! This is the most tell-y-est paragraph that I have ever read! NOOOOO...... And it has so much potential.... No!!!!!!!!!

Okay, but don't worry, no-one will act like me when you fix it. Just pretend that you are the main character, and describe what you see. Describe what you hear, feel, taste smell and touch. Does your blood curdle, or your vision turn red? Is there a sudden, intense hammering in your ears? Just put yourself at the scene, and tell us what exactly is happening. It could end up being a few extra paragraphs, but it will be worth it!

Okay, so that's the nit-picks over. I like how you portray the character though, and I think that it's a good plot. I would, however, think that this can be improved by describing the mutants. That would make it seem more real, as right now I don't know exactly what mutants there are in this fictional world. Also, I was wondering why the president wouldn't take the meeting, because he was there. You might want to explain that a little better.

Otherwise, it was good. It has all of the conspiracy theorists hanging on the edge of their seats. Good work!
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i had originally read chapter two first, but now as i read the first chapter a lot of the things came together that i couldn't piece together in the second chapter. this is an awesome start to a book. i liked chapter two better than this probably because there was more action there. pay no mind to me because i hate it when i hit dead spots in a book, but i really did like this chapter. keep up the good work.




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This story has a fantastic plot. I'm exited to see where it goes in the future. You did a good job of putting the reader into the situation without having to explain to much.

The only thing that nagged me was the fact that some minor grammatical errors seemed to rush the story along to fast. For example:

Well at least I won't have to pretend...


without a comma after the well, my mind sort of tumbled over the line.

Good luck with this story!
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THank you all. I shall re-do Chap 2, perhaps break it into Parts 1 and 2 then I shall begin to plot Chap 3 (And work on my review ratio :)




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Hi TheNewHero
I really like it.
I think that the story has a really good plot. I can't see anything wrong with it so I have no nit-picks.
midnightread :elephant:
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Midnight, this story is from 2009. My latest Janitors, I think I'll change this name, is the one in the middle of the forum with 0 comments and 1 like.




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