Ballad of the Blood (2)

Hey it IR and this is chapter two. I sorry if its a little sloppy and confusing. I had to get my homework done before i went to church. I hate school!!! Please comment and tell me how to make it less confusing. I revised it because it sucked. Note: Read (0) and (1) before you read this.

Spoiler

This is the story the man in the prologue tells the kids

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A dark figure ran hurriedly. A dense wall formed of trees slowed it. An icy wind raced above the forest. The figure moved unsteadily, barely able to breath as it squeezed through the razor-sharp thorns. It moved toward the only clearing in the only forest, and finally it stumbled, and fell face first on the dirt ground.
The silhouette turned into a person as the moonlight emanated on it. He had the face of a man that was scarred but also bore fresh wounds from his trek. Blue eyes, as hard as stone, glowed dully with an icy fire.He lay on the ground panting, a slight grin of malice rose on his face. His breathing gradually steadied, and he stood up. Beneath the red streaked robes he held something. Dirty hands clutched it to his chest like a baby. But he stared at it with disgust in his eyes. His stare focused on what he held, then his crystal eyes glossed over.

---

The room was packed with wizards, the most vile, conceited mortals. They stood, wounded and dying together around a table made of polished white stone. Even as blood seeped onto the floor, not a single wizard grimaced in pain. Pain was weakness, and a true wizard never showed weakness. None of them spoke; speaking out loud had become too vigorous so they probed each others minds with pictures and feelings, which was a far more accurate way to communicate.
The room was hot and stuffy, and sweat mingled with the blood. The wizards stood still and expressionless. Moments pasted and a wizard that appeared superior to the rest, as he stood tall and firm, croaked out a question,
“Who-will die?” He asked and his tongue wet his lips. The wizards stood still and motionless. Humility came before the fall in their minds. Tears began to form in the speaker’s eyes and immediately the rest of the wizards’ flashed him a look of disgust.
“The world will fall, Humanity will fail,” he said, this time in their minds, piercing like a dagger. His hands arms raised, and his hands clenched into fists. “We’re going to die. Who will carry it?” His fist slammed onto the table.
The speaker’s eyes slowly moved over the wizards in the room, with disappointment glistening in his tears. Suddenly, a young wizard stepped forward, brown, sweaty hair pasted to his bowed head.
“Keep your head up, for you will keep it, unlike the rest of the scum here that let their pride destroy them,” the superior wizard spoke, into only the volunteers head. He raised his head, to show a scarred, pale face with two crystal blue eyes.
“You mean I will survive?” the boy asked, shakily as if even talking with his mind tired him. The superior wizard did not answer, he just handed the boy a black cloth that was folded in a bundle around something. The boy held it as if it was heavy and gazed at its contents. A charcoal sphere, the color of night itself: perfectly formed like an intricate piece of art. It reflected a dull black light over the boy’s face. The boy’s lip curled up in disgust and then he screamed.

---

The boy ripped his gaze from what he held just as a disfigured monster leaped out of the forest towards him. His eyes opened wide and his jaw dropped. The monster was like a cloud of dark acrid smoke, swarming around the boy as he stood frozen. His lungs retched for air but his fear made it impossible to breathe. He just stood there like nothing was happening then his mouth opened again in a silent yell. This time fire followed. Thick black flames spurted and torched everything near it. The boy just kept on screaming as fire spewed out in a fire storm consuming the forest and the mist that suffocated him. He fell down his face slamming into the ground, causing blood to ooze out of his nose. The forest was now blazing around him and it lit up the scene as a black crystal ball rolled slowly out of the boy's robes and into the flames.

Please Review

Hey infinite reality! As I have said before, I am fond of your writing style; however, I'm very confused.

I'll color coordinate the paragraphs based on the pov its in.

Erm, I really don't think this is a good idea. Why? First of all, this is your second chapter and I really don't know your characters well enough to have any idea what is going on. And the color coding is a tad bit... jarring. I hate to say that it's not a good idea simply because you do not see it in books, but I really believe the reader should grasp POV through the writing and the format, not through color coding. Why do I think this?

First, it challenges you as the writer to establish within your character a distinct voice. The voice of the narrator is pivotal to a piece and should probably change according to which character is narrating. Your color coding is really just confusing me right now.

Second, your story so far has been third person, or so I have noticed. Now, I'm doing some funky stuff with narration style myself at the moment, but this just confused me. I really have no idea who is narrating what and the setting is getting all jumbled up because you are switching around so much. I have no problem with you switching narration style and playing with it a little, but the reader really needs some formatting guidance or transition to grasp what is happening. Also, if you're going to hop between narrators, you need to make sure you don't lose your audience. I've written a writing tutorial on switching POV's in a story, which outlines some of the pitfalls we often experience, so you might want to take a look at it.

The color coding and POV switching, honestly, just confused me and I had an extremely limited, jumbled grasp of what happened by the end. It's fine to make things ambiguous, but if you're going to start switching POV's in that short of chunks, I really suggest introducing us to your characters more thoroughly first, making this a pattern and not just a spontaneous occurrence and giving the reader some guidance with formatting aside from color coding. Narration voice is also key, but we don't know your characters well enough yet for that to work in your benefit.

Does that make sense to you? I hope it does.

I am hesitant to critique this any further, because I think you may have to do some reworking with POV's before I understand it well enough to give you insightful feedback. But on a purely sentence level, I would suggest you watch out for that parallel sentence structure.

Example:

A dark figure moved hurriedly through a forest of decaying trees. The forest was so dense that not only did it blot out the moon light; it made the figure trip and fall as it ran. An icy wind raced above the forest but even it could not easily pass through the trees below. The figure moved unsteadily, barely able to breath as it squeezed through the razor sharp thorns. It moved toward the only clearing in the only forest, and finally it stumbled and fell face first on the dirt ground.
The figure was unrevealed by the moonlight now. It was a man. He had the face of a boy that was scarred but also bore fresh wounds from his trek. His eyes were as hard as stone and burned with an icy fire. He lay on the ground panting but his lips formed a slight grin of malice.

Look at all that subject-verbness. Try varying it a little bit. It sounds a little clunky right now.

I hope this helped. Again, your style is nice and I am enjoying your writing so far, but this chapter really confused me. Really try to work around that color coding. There are other ways to give multiple POV's and have multiple things going on in multiple settings in a work of writing. Look around at some of the work on this site. I'm sure there are many young writers here who makes these switches often, so take a look at some of their work. I switched POV's and settings quite often in my novel Flames of Lecraesa (the link is to a chapter where the POV and setting shift dramatically; you may have to scroll down to see the separate posts with various scenes in the chapter), which is in my portfolio if you want to see an example of POV switches and setting switches within a chapter. Just remember--when you switch POV's, the reader HAS to be able to follow it, especially this early on. Formatting can achieve this (asterisks/spaces between POV blocks). Voice can even do this, but you still need some formatting other than color coding to achieve this. And remember (and I address this in that tutorial if you need furhter explanation)--we have to get to know your characters. This is only your second chapter, so be very careful about the amount of attention you are giving to characterization. I really have very little grasp on what is happening or who is involved in this chapter, so I really think you need to spend more time on characterization before you start switching on me... or at least switch consistencly and do some serious characterization in those POV blocks.

This is a good beginning, but work with this POV stuff. It's very important. Keep writing and I can't wait to see more of this. Please PM me if you have any questions.

it sounded very interesting. near the very beginning where you said that it would be confusing, i have a question. it talked about the man running through this forest but then you switch from third person to second person and start explaining what "I" saw. now, having said that, i have no idea "when" "I" came in. if you could elaborate it would be most helpful. the context was brilliant though.

I didn't find any confusion in the POV switching. It seemed as though you were doing it to make the reader go: "Ah, so that's the same boy except in the future a bit." Sorry, but I'd figured that out before you got to there.

It's not so much that it's confusing that's the problem. It's choppy and clunky. I'd keep the running through the forest scene, and ditch the POV switches. You can always reveal the other bit later, or simply imply it somehow. Alternatively, you could just go in chronological order, but that might destroy the sense of mystery.

He lay on the ground panting but his lips formed a slight grin of malice.

Why malice? That would mean he's thinking about hurting someone somehow (and enjoying the thought). if that's the case, you need to convey the thought better. In fact, through the whole chapter, the character and the reader are quite detached. Show us his emotions and thoughts.

The figure was unrevealed by the moonlight now. It was a boy.

I guess you meant revealed. I have a complaint. If he had to be revealed by the moonlight to show that he was a boy, the POV is clearly 3rd person objective (because you're watching him externally). This POV is perfect for non-fiction, but isn't very good in fiction. Readers want to connect with a character, so they need to be the character, not just watch them. To do this, it needs to be written from the character's POV (3rd person limited or omniscient, or 1st person), not an external narrator's POV. Now I'm sure the character knows he's a boy, so moonlight wouldn't be required to show that.

The room was packed with wizards, the most vile, conceited mortals in the whole world.

In the last chapter the wizards were the heroes. Now they're the most vile conceited mortals in the world. That's a bit of an inconsistency.

The room was hot and stuffy, and sweat mingled with the blood.

You're overdoing the mention of blood. One might say it would be quicker to describe what wasn't covered in blood, rather than what was, becasue there's so much blood. We understand that there's blood everywhere, so don't keep hammering it.

“Keep you’re head up, for you will keep it, unlike the rest of the scum here that let their pride destroy them.”

Scum seems to be the generic insult used in fantasy novels. Try for something a bit more original.

The superior wizard did not answer, he just handed the boy a black cloth that was folded as if holding something. The boy held it as if it was heavy and gazed at its contents.

Watch out for repetitive phrasing.

The shadow quickly weaved between the patches of moonlight that pierced the forest’s façade.

I wouldn't say façade is the right word. It means a) the front of a building, or b) A false show of something, such as bravery.

The monster was like a cloud of dark acrid smoke, swarming around the boy as he stood frozen.

That's a good description.

And there's more good description in the rest of this final paragraph. It would be nice to see some more of it earlier too. From reading chapter 1, I know you have a talent with description. This chapter didn't seem as vivid as the previous, and I'd put it down to less description.

Pump in more of your great descriptions, and fix the POV thing, and this chapter will be able to stand proudly next to chapter 1. At the moment it's still a bit less polished.

Hey there!

Firstly, I have to say that I agree with WD about the whole switching POV thing. It is quite confusing for the reader when they aren't fully connected with the characters yet. I feel like you should give us at least another chapter to get to know the boy that you're talking about, otherwise readers might not enjoy the story as much as they would therwise.

After gaining [b]his breath he stood up. Beneath his red streaked robes he held something. He clutched it to his chest like a baby. But he stared at it with hate in his eyes. His stare fixated on what he held, his eyes seemed glazed over and then his vision went black[/b]

I think that you should change this slightly, see all the "he"s and "his"s? It doesn't read too well.

Moments pasted and a wizard that appeared superior to the rest croaked out a question,

Why does he seem superior? Is it his body language? The power in his voice?

Suddenly a wizard stepped forward. He was unwounded and young, his face that of a boy. Brown hair clung to his head with sweat tightly. His face was bowed toward to the ground.

I think that you could combine these sentences together, it's a little clumsy as four.

“Keep you’re head up,

Your

It reflected a dull black light over the boy’s face

Light can't be black. You might want to rephrase this.

The boy ripped his gaze from what he held and screamed just as a disfigured monster leaped on of the forest towards him. An unmistakable fear showed on the boy’s face and he stumbled back. The monster was like a cloud of dark acrid smoke, swarming around the boy as he stood frozen. The boy’s lungs screamed for air but his fair made it impossible to breathe. He just stood their like nothing was happening thenhe screamed again. This time fire followed. Thick black flames spurted and torched everything near it. The boy just kept on screaming as fire spewing out like a fire storm consuming the forest and the mist that suffocated him. He fell down his face slamming into the ground, causing blood to ooze out of his nose. The forest was now blazing around him and it lit up the scene as a black crystal ball rolled slowly out of the boys robes and into the flames.

Ok. In bold I have put all of the times you say "the boy" in this paragraph. It's too many times, the sentence loses some effect.
Underlined are some words you've made mistakes on:
Fair - I think you might have meant hair. Unless I missed something.
"Their" should be "there"
Then - I think that should have an and before it.
Spewing - should be spewed. Also, the metaphor you've used there to describe the fire is "a fire storm". But surely that's what it actually is?


Overall another very well written piece! Your description is wonderful and I do love the words you use.

PM me with any questions!

~Amy

Hey infinite reality!

Sorry it took me so long to get to this after you edited it. Now that we've cleared up some POV issues, I'm going to talk to you about some sentence-level stuff, okay? All right, I'll take it paragraph by paragraph and summarize at the end.

A dark figure moved hurriedly through a forest of decaying trees. The forest was so dense that not only did it blot out the moon light; it made the figure trip and fall as it ran. An icy wind raced above the forest but even it could not easily pass through the trees below. The figure moved unsteadily, barely able to breath as it squeezed through the razor sharp thorns. It moved toward the only clearing in the only forest, and finally it stumbled and fell face first on the dirt ground.

Repetitive sentence structure! Look at all that subject-verb composition. Right now your uniform sentence structure is suggesting a fast pace but your long sentences are bogging it down, so decide whether you want to make this description (in which case vary your beginnings) or choppy and fast (in which case cut down on those descriptions and pick up the pace). Right now this paragraph is warring between the two extremes and it sounds strange.

The figure was unrevealed (word choice?) by the moonlight now. It was a boy. He had the face of a man that was scarred but also bore fresh wounds from his trek. His eyes were as hard as stone and burned with an icy fire. He lay on the ground panting but his lips formed a slight grin of malice. After gaining his breath he stood up. Beneath his red streaked robes he held something. He clutched it to his chest like a baby. But he stared at it with hate in his eyes. His stare fixated on what he held, his eyes seemed glazed over and then his vision went black.

We have a telling issue here. First, you tell me it's a boy. Don't tell me that! At least not until you've described it. Also, when you are describing the boy, you are repeatedly using the construction, "He had" or "his _____ was". It's getting reptitive so try making the things you are describing the subjects and making them the focal point. Describe his face and then you can tell he's a boy if you desire. But not until we envision it. For instance, instead of saying "he had the face of a man who was scarred but also bore fresh wounds from his trek", say "his face was that of a man who was scarred, but it also bore fresh wounds." Also, these sentences sound awkward because of that repeated construction, so read some stuff aloud and play with your sentences.

The room was packed with wizards, the most vile, conceited mortals in the whole world. They stood, wounded and dying together around a table made of polished white stone. Even as blood seeped onto the floor, not a single wizard grimaced in pain. Pain was weakness, and a true wizard never showed weakness. None of them spoke; speaking out loud had become too vigorous so they probed each other’s minds with pictures and feelings, which was a far more accurate way to communicate.

I'm assuming we jump forward in time? Maybe add an extra space of asterisk to convey this? The phrase 'in the whole world' sounds cliche right now; mess with it. I like the line with the polished white table; very nice description. This paragraph is an example of what you are capable of doing; I really enjoyed it. Your writing style is very nice; you just need to pay more attention to sentence construction and awkwardness. This paragraph was great.

The room was hot and stuffy, and sweat mingled with the blood. The wizards stood still and expressionless. Moments pasted and a wizard that appeared superior to the rest croaked out a question,

How does he appear superior? Details are your friend.

“Who-will die?” He asked. The wizards stood still and motionless. Humbleness came before the fall in their minds. Tears began to form in the speaker’s eyes and immediately the rest of the wizards’ game (gave) him a look of disgust.

Humbleness should be humility. Also, is there a better word for 'form'? For 'gave'? You can tell us a lot by choosing some more specific verbs here.

“The world will fall, Humanity will fail.” He said, this time in their minds, piercing like a dagger. “We’re going to die. Who will carry it?”

Dialogue punctuation warning. It should be: "Humanity will fall," he said..." I like the dialogue here; very interesting voice. It draws me into your character. Might it be helpful if you put the things he says in their in italics instead of quotes? I'm not sure, but it might make things clearer for the reader.

The speaker’s eyes slowly looked over the wizards in the room, with disappointment glistening in his tears. Suddenly a wizard stepped forward. He was unwounded and young, his face that of a boy. Brown hair clung to his head with sweat tightly. His face was bowed toward to the ground.

Better word for 'looked'? Also, how does disappointment glisten in your tears? In eyes, I can see, but in tears? My suggestion is just focus on his tears, because they seem to be a significant departure from wizard custom. Describe the tears and don't worry about telling us what they are of. Again, at the introduce of the younger wizard, you tell us what he looks like with that "he was" construction. This construction is really hindering your characterization right now, so I'm going to do a demonstration for you, kay? Just to show you how much more powerful a more active construction can be. Read that part where he introduced. Now, read this:

Suddenly, a young wizard stepped forward, brown, sweaty hair clinging to his forehead. Unlike the others, his face was clean and unwounded. He bowed his head toward the ground.

See how I only used one "his ____ was" construction? It sounds more natural this way and the image comes across clearer without the extra telling weight. That construction is not necessarily bad. You're just using it so much it's burdening the prose.

“Keep you’re (your) head up, for you will keep it, unlike the rest of the scum here that let their pride destroy them.(,)” The superior wizard spoke, into only the volunteers head. He raised his head, to show a scarred, pale face with two crystal blue eyes.

Nice dialogue. I like it. Just remember that dialogue punctuation. And do you really want to keep calling him the 'superior wizard'? Another title might work bette? Also, the portion about only into the volunteer's head is a tad confusing, so make that a little clearer, okay? Love the revealing of the wizard's appearance. Very nicely done.

“You mean I will survive?” the boy asked, shakily as if even talking with his mind tired him. The superior wizard did not answer, he just handed the boy a black cloth that was folded as if holding something. The boy held it as if it was heavy and gazed at its contents. A charcoal sphere, the color of night itself: perfectly formed like an intricate piece of art. It reflected a dull black light over the boy’s face. The boy’s face only portrayed disgust and then he screamed.

Great paragraph. Your description is absolutely wonderful. Another example of what you can do. Until the last sentence. How does someone's face 'portray' disgust? Think body language here. Does your face portray sadness? Now, your face falls in sadness. Your face scrunches in fear. Maybe the boy can step back in disgust. He can eye the object in disgust. He can grimace in disgust. Just don't use 'portray', okay? It's ruining this ovely paragraph.

A shadow crept silently through the forest. Not a leave (leaf) or twig cracked as it moved stealthily towards the boy. The shadow quickly weaved between the patches of moonlight that pieced the forest’s façade. The shadow crouched and let its long black tongue slowly caress its lips. Then it jumped.

Great paragraph, once again. This is the kind of writing you are capable of. I'm a little confused about POV and shift and such here, but I've already covered all of that in my last critique. Can you work with those POV transitions just a little more?

The boy ripped his gaze from what he held and screamed just as a disfigured monster leaped on of the forest towards him. An unmistakable fear showed on the boy’s face and he stumbled back. The monster was like a cloud of dark acrid smoke, swarming around the boy as he stood frozen. The boy’s lungs screamed for air but his fair (fear) made it impossible to breathe. He just stood their like nothing was happening then he screamed again. This time fire followed. Thick black flames spurted and torched everything near it. The boy just kept on screaming as fire spewing out like a fire storm consuming the forest and the mist that suffocated him. He fell down his face slamming into the ground, causing blood to ooze out of his nose. The forest was now blazing around him and it lit up the scene as a black crystal ball rolled slowly out of the boys robes and into the flames.

Wait, didn't the boy scream two minutes ago? Seems like overkill. Once again, the boy's face showed something. Better verb. The creature description is good. His lungs are screaming now? Don't overdo the screaming; it loses power if you do that. Ending was great--that last image was extremely well done. Good job. Okay, not onto overall stuff

First I'd like to say this was an improvement from your last version of this, so nicely done. A few things to consider as you continue writing and revising:

1. Sentence Awkwardness and Word Choice

You will learn these things naturally more as you keep writing, but don't stop paying attention to them. Read your sentences aloud; it will help a lot. I promise. And really think about the specific verbs that will make this story thrive.

2. Body Language

Okay, you have some great instances of this, but we need to talk about peoples' faces showing things. Fact is, peoples' faces don't show things. Yes, you can read someone's face. But that's because their face is doing something. And that something is not showg. That something is grimacing, smiling, scrunching, contorting, lifting, relaxing, tensing, frowning, scowling, laughing, darkening, lightening etc. The face does some physical movement that conveys an emotion. It does not show it. So let's see some more specific body language and less face showing, all right?

3. Descriptoin Construction

You have some moments of brilliance regarding description in here. You really do. You just need to keep an eye out for sentence structure and when it gets too repetitive. And we like active verbs more than non-active verbs. So watch out for that "He was"/"his ____ was" construction, okay? It's not necessarily bad, but you are using it so much it is smothering your characterization. Put it aside for a little while and try to form description some other ways for now.

All in all, a nice revision. I have already mentioned POV shifting, but keep working on that. And work on the suggestions I've given as you revise and as you keep writing. Your writing style is nice and you have moments of absolute brilliance. You are capable of some beautiful language. You just need to tame some of these constructions a little more, okay? Great job and keep writing! If you have any questions, do feel free to PM me!

I got a bit confused after the boy took the black sphere, espeicially the last paragraph. They way I understood it, whole fire thing is somehow the result of the sphere, which is somehow with the boy in the woods, even though the last thing we read he was dieing in a roomfull of wizards.Other than that it was well written.

Hey, it's Morgan again.

And guess what? I couldn't find anything wrong with it! But again, I commend your descriptive skills. But, as some people above me have said, it's pretty confusing neaer the end. Other than that, I absolutely love it and I really want to read more. So please post more! I'll be waiting. PM me when the next part is posted. Hopefully you're continuing this.

Happy YWSing!

Morgan (Crocks)

personally I think your writing style is quite good, but your charcaters lack depth. The thing about third person view point is that all the characters will lack depth if you don't give one character a specific voice to explain his emotions and thoughts. My advice would be too choose a few characters in your story you can relate to and use them to describe scenes and people. By limiting yourself this way you won't have to explain every characters thoughts, and movements. Only the ones your main character has and sees.