:: Rain ::

Well I have been here for a while, but never really posted anything until now, so hello everyone! You'll see me mostly here in the poetry section.

I'll begin with a sonnet, iambic pentameter, which I have titled "Rain". I hope you all enjoy it. (I'm sorry if my poems are a little difficult to understand, I fancy using unusual words to create a lofty tone. I'm what they call a "romantic" poet. )

~*~

Fare thee well, my heart, which I have sundered
Ripped from my own chest, ne'er to pain again
Oh how it agonized and it thundered
when thou left my side and followed the rain.
Falling upon my head, blackening my sky
Words and lies are dark clouds above my head
Standing resolute as it falls, I cry
To stay strong I firm myself, no tears shed.
Heartless, heartless, sadly are not we all?
Ignorant to love's worth; to strife we lean
Casting out what's precious to let them fall
The curtains thus close on the dismal scene.
And all to seek and attain that which we desire...
Love, is much like the rain but much more like a fire.

~*~

Wow. I really like your work. This was a poem I really wanted to read slowly and I could feel the character's emotion. I love how you described how love was like the rain, and then at the end, you said it was like fire, which is like the complete opposite of rain. It was really awesome, and I didn't see any grammatical errors. Great job!

Hi, Aianarie!

I was pleasantly surprised when I stumbled across this what I thought was a random work, when I saw it was a sonnet. I've recently taken interest in sonnets particularly, as I'm writing one as a part of my school project. As much as I like free versed poetry, there's something about strict metres that fascinates me. =)

Anyway, onto your sonnet. I'm still in training of reading sonnets and understanding their beauty, and there wasn't much that I noticed was wrong with this one. You follow the sonnet rules strictly, which is admirable, but the ten-syllabic thing you kept up with made the sonnet sound a bit odd on some lines.

For example, this line:

Oh how it agonized and it thundered

shows that you've had problems with making it ten syllables long, because the fluent narration that was present in the rest of the sonnet wasn't quite so smooth in this bit.

However, you have clearly found your own personal writing style, and it's always a pleasure to see that a writer is familiar with their work, if you know what I mean. =)

A little suggestion (which seems really minimal compared to the quality of your work):

And all to seek and attain that which we desire...

"What" instead of "which" would fit better in my opinion.

So, overall I think you did a good job, even though this particular one didn't touch me personally as much as it could have. But good luck with your writing, and I shall possibly read some more of you as well!

(PM me if you have something to ask)

Demeter
x

I'd like to start by saying that I admire the fact that you are brave enough to write a sonnet, they terrify me .

Anyway, I loved the way that you are left guessing, and yet filled in at the same time. You don't know the details of this break up, only that it follows the metaphor of rain, the crying and the darkness that accompanies it. The vocabulary was excellent, it followed a rigid and perfect structure and was overall very well written.

Bravo, and a gold star for you

*Matt*

Hey there!

Ok, I'm not very familiar with the whole structure and rules of sonnets so I'm just going to say a couple of things that stood out to me.

Falling upon my head, blackening my sky
Words and lies are dark clouds above my head

This is only a little thing but you've used "head" in both lines. For me, it kind of stands out and sounds a little wrong. It feels like you could think of another word to put there instead.

Another thing is something Demeter said.

Oh how it agonized and it thundered

'Tis the extra it. Kind of annoying but as you have to stick to the structure then it's not too bad!

But overall, this was really well done. You chose a style that not many people choose and that is pretty hard! So well done.
Sorry, there isn't much I can say really. This was a very well written piece of work.

Keep writing!
~Amy

First off, amazing, you've managed to write a sonnet which rhymes and has the right number of syllables! We did them in English recently and I can tell you it wasn't pretty. Word murder. And you have a lovely writing style. But - big but - the rhythm. Iambic pentameter rhythm is like this (I know the capitals rule but I assume it's allowed here to show stress):

One TWO three FOUR five SIX sev'n EIGHT nine TEN.

So can you see that the stress in your poem is not in the right places?

Fare THEE well, MY heart, WHICH I HAVE sundERED
Ripped FROM my OWN chest, NE'ER to PAIN again
Oh HOW it AGonIZed and IT thundERED
when THOU left MY side AND follOWED the RAIN.
FallING upON my HEAD, blacke'NING my SKY
Words AND lies ARE dark CLOUDS abOVE my HEAD
StandING resOLute AS it FALLS, I CRY
To STAY strong I firm MYself, NO tears SHED.
HeartLESS, heartLESS, sadLY are NOT we ALL?
IgNORant TO love's WORTH; to STRIFE we LEAN
CastING out WHAT'S precIOUS to LET them FALL
The CURtains THUS close ON the DISmal SCENE.
And ALL to SEEK and ATtain THAT which WE desire... (this line is twelve syllables - that's too long)
Love, IS much LIKE the RAIN but MUCH more like a fire. (this is thirteen)

For example, castING - we don't say that, we say CASTing. This means that the poem doesn't read as well as one this well written ought to. In my opinion, number one rule of poetry is get the rhyme and rhythm right first. You've got the rhyme fine, and you've mainly got the syllables, although the blackening needs an apostrophe to make it fit and the last two lines are too long, but the rhythm needs work.To quote eHow.com:

An iamb is a type of metrical 'foot' used in a poem. It is composed of two syllables, with the accent on the second syllable. Examples: 'to-day' or 'en-rage.'

Pentameter means that there are five metrical feet per line. Iambic pentameter means that each line of the poem consists of five iambic feet, or 10 total syllables. An example from Shakespeare: 'Good pilgrim you do wrong your hand too much.'

I expect all that sounds mean and horrible and you hate me, so please let me say that I do love your writing style and the fact that you've brought a Shakespearean element to the language (and you're right, 'that which we desire' should not be 'what'). I just think that with someone like you who clearly has such an interest in Shakespeare and the ability to count syllables (unlike most people, grrr) it's much better if you do know this stuff.

Wow. That was great to read after a cold, windy day. Really warmed me. It's great that you managed to write a sonnet that had the right number of syllables and had some rhyming. The emotion was portrayed exceptionally well. However, the rhythm was a wee bit off, in terms of iambic pentameter. It looks like everyone's told you this already, so I won't go any further.

Otherwise, though, it was amazing!

Thank you, everyone, for your comments. I have taken your suggestions into consideration for future reference.

I will mention though that I kind of have my own idea of structure. My poems will mostly be iambic, but I like to have exceptions where some lines break out of the meter. These lines are what I like to call "big picture" lines, where there is an important subject or something that I wanted to stand out.

Just thought I'd mention, but thank you all for the comments!

Wow. Your poetry is realyl deep. Have you ever thought about maiking a poetry book. It fits you. I really like your choice of words. They help make the work stand out. Alsi I like how you compare love to both rain and fire. I think the title was really clever and Ironic. Most writers aren't familiar with the skill of irony, but one thing for sure is that you are. Keep up the good work. If you ever want to write a novel you should check out www.sywtwabyolasite.com

Really strong, i like how you relate rain to love, rain comes and goes, as does love. But at the same time love is like fire. Its different, i like it.

This was a very moving read for me. The person who wrote a review below is right, you can really feel the character's emotion.

Heartless, heartless, sadly are not we all?

My favourite line. DOn't ask why, I am just weird! HAHA!