The Janitors Prologue (Trash)

Title: The Janitors

Prologue:
A plot is stirring. The darkness rising. Soon, the world will be cleansed. The lives of millions of mutants throughout the earth lie in the decisions of a few. Decisions influenced by money, hatred, love and revenge...

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Justin walked anxiously down a dark hall, toward a faint blue glow at the end. Now the plan was finalized, everything in place. All that was missing was the ignition.

He pulled out his diary and a green pen. It was black, in the top corner was the date: 2004. He had labeled it as Justin Shrub, The Secretary. He flipped through the pages of unruly sketches, brainstorms and mind-maps, extracting sense where there appeared to be none, until he found the list he was searching for.

Let's see, everything is green for go. Only one more thing, to let the fireworks begin

He checked an objective: the only objective on the page that had not been checked: Initiate the Plan. Justin put away his journal. He chuckled.

Well Justin, here you are. Working for The Commander with his rough, whispery voice and a hatred for mutants so potent he'd die killing the last one and himself than risk letting him live. Now you're going to deliver the message to end mutants once and for all. He's mad... and rich; you've hit the jackpot this time my boy.

"Proud of me now, Dad?" He said quietly while looking upwards.

The glow had dissipated, now becoming a more defined scene; a room with computers and scientists in every chair. Justin stood on a platform stretching from one side of the room to the other: a bridge. Below him, men and women in white lab coats and jeans scurried around and typed into their computers. One or two jokers sat drinking coffee and chatting.

Justin took a deep breath.

"Halt!" he began, and every face turned to him. "I have a message from the Commander. I hope you've been doing your work," this statement was directed at the loafers, "because it's time..."

There was a nervous silence, then cheers erupted through the hall. Struggling to be audible above the cheers Justin said, "Let the Genocide begin!"

This is a very interesting start to a novel i would be very interested in reading more of.
But I did notice a few mistakes.
Firstly, put a comma after thing in the sentence "Only one more thing to let the fireworks begin."
And I thought that the paragraph that starts with "It was a funny scene indeed" didnt really flow or make much sense to me. Firstly "The commander" should be in speech marks and also who was you describing in this, Justin or The commander? You should have put a full stop after "to the commander" and started the next sentence, or paragraph if you are describing the commander, with the name of the person you deatiling.
I also thought that for a prologue you didn't set the back story/ history of what you are writing about whatsoever. Who are these Mutants? Who is these scientist? What year is this set? Is this even set on this planet? The prologue for me should cover all these details and keep the reader hooked to read more.
I liked this piece man and hope to read the next chapter.

A plot is stirring. Hatred growing. Soon, the world will be cleansed.

Very, very interesting first line. Awesome.

Justin walked anxiously down the dark hall, there was a faint blue glow at the end.

What dark hall? you haven't mentioned it before, so it shouldnt be "the" dark hall, but "a" dark hall. Also, I would edit this, so that it reads:
"Justin walked anxiously down a dark hall, toward a faint blue glow at the end."

The glow had dissipated now becoming a more defined scene as a room with computers in it and scientists at every chair.

This sentence felt far too long. You should divide it, or perhaps edit it:
"The glow had dissipated, now becoming a more defined scene; a room with computers with scientists in every chair."

I liked it, and will definitely read more!

Hey. Its IR here to review. I hope you get something out of this.

He ticked an objective: the only objective on the page that had not been ticked.

i got confused on what ticked meant. Maybe like checked or whatever you meant.

A plot is stirring. Hatred growing. Soon, the world will be cleansed.

The part about the world being cleansed is really essential. I don't know what you're planning but its a key for the bad guys to think with know doubt that its totally right. Well, that's assuming the people in the prologue are the bad guys are the bad ones.

The style is really good. It balances description and other things well. I look forward to reading more. Keep it up!

You did a good job of the "hook" with the genocide thing at the end of the chapter, but not revealing anything more. It makes me wonder what's going to happen next.

I'm not a fan of character's talking to themselves, because in reality nobody does it. I think you should turn this:

"Let's see, everything is green for go. Only one more thing to let the fireworks begin,"

Into a thought rather than speech.

It was a funny scene indeed:

Yes, an odd scene indeed.

Grrrrrr. No. Please don't tell me you have Matthew Reilly syndrome. These two lines can be scrapped and this piece will be so much better. Don't make me bang my head against the wall, because I have a brick wall, and it will hurt

Ignoring that though, this is a great setup. Straight to the point, no beating about the bush, and no purple prose. I won't check for grammar, because that's a computer's job. Not much stuck out while I was reading though, so it's probably mostly fine.

Let me just start off by saying that your title hooked me. I don't know what it was, but for some reason, seeing a story called "The Janitors" in Action/Adventure was intriguing. I was either imagining some secret agent janitors, or a twist on idea of a janitor. I'm still not certain where this is going, but the hook remains.

The journal was covered in sketches and brainstorms and mindmaps, all unruly but making perfect sense.

This sentence just seems to detract from its paragraph. It's so descriptive and not really furthering any story point. Maybe put some sort of action in it. For example: He flipped through the pages of unruly sketches, brainstorms and mindmaps, extracting sense where there appeared to be none, until he found the list he was searching for.

I dunno... That sentence just really bothers me.

Justin took a deep breath, "Halt!" he began, every face turned to him "I have a message from the Commander. I hope you've been doing your work," the statement was directed at the loafers "because it's time..."

The punctuation be very wonky in this sentence of yours.

Rewrite.

Justin took a deep breath.

"Halt!" he began, and every face turned to him. "I have a message from the Commander. I hope you've been doing your work," this statement was directed at the loafers, "because it's time..."

"Let the Genocide, begin!"

That comma isn't necessary in there.

Also, I sort of second Hippie's comments about the "odd scene" and whatnot. It was a bit distracting and kind of overly melodramatic. Even if you are going for a kind of spoof, they're still rather annoying.

All in all, I'm curious to see where this thing goes. The title, combined with what I've actually read, has me hooked.

~GryphonFledgling

Thank you for the reviews. Just need a bit more before I can edit and start Chap 1, I'll keep you posted.

Thanks

I've editted according to your reviews. Hopefully I didn't miss anything. The story itself is still a bit loose but it'll fall in. Thanks for the reviews.

Hey Hero,

Here's my promised review:

Honestly I think this premise of yours is awesome. You have perfectly captured my attention, offering just enough mystery to make me ask the question you want me to ask: "What is this plan about?"

As is my usual style of critique, I'm going to mention one or two points that you might find help you build the idea up into something more.

Be specific: I'm going to impress upon you the vital need to choose words that perfectly convey the emotions that you feel to the reader. This often means choosing simpler words than ones that slightly detract from your desired effect. I'll give you a couple of examples:

All that was missing was the ignition.

The term ignition actually means starting of a fire, such as it is derived from the word "ignite". You might have meant "instigation". Now, you could also have said, "All that remained was putting it into effect". But I'm going to get a little deeper into the idea of being specific.

You need to always ensure that you have pointed directly to what you intend to point to. I'll explain what I mean from this quote:

Now the plan was finalized, everything in place. All that was missing was the ignition.

The instigation of the plan was not an actual part of the plan. The plan is the course of action that your character's will take to ensure that the plan is completed. The instigation is the following of this plan. When, as a narrator, you describe things in a way that does not truly reflect how they are, you lose some of your credibility as a narrator.

Here's how I would have written it:

It had finally been completed. Nothing was missing and the plan stood perfectly poised for its implementation.

Note the separation between the theory of the plan's discussion and its implementation. The plan is perfect while the fact that it is ready is clearly indicated.

Description: Now being specific doesn't mean overly descriptive:

He pulled out his diary and a green pen.

If there's no benefit to telling us that it is green, don't tell us it is. You want to describe important details very specifically, but avoid describing those details that are unimportant.

Realism: When you write a story, you are painting an inflection of what might happen in your virtual world given your characters. Now, in your virtual world I highly doubt that whoever Justin is, he is going to check "initiate plan" in his diary. It seems kind of dumb. He's more likely just going to initiate it. When you do things like describe something that just doesn't seem right, you lose a sense of the realism of your story, and we are pulled back to the real world. This is the last thing that you want as a writer.

Villainous perspective: It's very rare that someone will be purely evil. As such, it is only natural for a person to try and justify his actions. When Justin says

"Let the Genocide begin!"

he's admitting that his act is pure evil. This also means that if any of his men are good people, they won't listen to him. You need to build more three dimensional villains. He should use propaganda to get people on his side. He should paint a utopia of what the world might be like after the operation, and perhaps even believe it himself.

Okay, I think those are the most important points. The description and specificness ones are very important to bear in mind throughout your piece.

You have a really intriguing start here that only needs some minor tweaking. I'm really impressed and would certainly read more.

Have a great one!

I have to say, this was a bit confusing . I liked it, but you need to clear things up. Like who are the Mutants? Be a bit more descriptive and explanatory. Otherwise, no one will have any idea what in the world you are talking about.

Well Justin, here you are. Working for The Commander with his rough, whispery voice and a hatred for mutants so potent he'd die killing the last one and himself than risk letting him live. Now you're going to deliver the message to end mutants once and for all. He's mad... and rich; you've hit the jackpot this time my boy.

Maybe it’s just me, but this paragraph seems a bit weird, and you put a period where a comma should have gone:

Well Justin, here you are[comma] working for The Commander with his rough, whispery voice and a hatred for mutants so potent he'd die killing the last one and himself than risk letting him live.

those few italicized sentences at the very beginning reminded me so much of the watchmen graphic novel. Rorschach's (sp?) journal. not saying you're copying, just saying that they do.