The Queen's Gambit Chaps 1 and 2

4 posts
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 876
Reviews 2
Okay, so here's part of a story i and a friend of mine are writing, and i wanted independent opinion of our work. So i decided to post it here and see what you guys think of it. And no blurbs because we really don't have a well defined plot yet for your reading lol.

The Queen's Gambit
Spoiler
Chapter 1

The drops fell lightly on his face, so he pulled his hood up. Lightning flashed in the night sky, dry leaves blew into his face as he trudged up the road, struggling against the invisible cords of the wind. The way was difficult to travel on, potholes harbored puddles of water on the road so much that he had to leap over them every few steps. But he had to move on; he had to do what he was planning on doing because a whole nation depended on him.
He shivered as the rain intensified, he picked up his pace, a wolf howled in the distance but he kept on, his resolve unassailable. He had his mind set, and he would do what was necessary. He couldn’t back down now, no, ahead was where his mind was, and he was headed to the problem to create a solution.
He raised his metallic grey eyes to the top of the slope, a figure stood unaware, a thin stick in its hand. He grinned to himself and made his way up. His heart pounded against his chest. He had never been this nervous in his life. Tension built up in his mind, but he wouldn’t allow room for second thoughts. Nothing was going to make him change his mind. He had to do what he had to do. There was a huge possibility that we would die in the process. If he didn’t do this, he would die anyway it was all just a matter of time. There is no harm in trying, he told himself. The figure up ahead turned its attention toward him. There was a loud cry. He could hear feet thundering heavily on the ground even through the pounding rain.
In a minute, he froze on the spot. He was surrounded by two dozen men, thin sticks pointed straight at him. He raised his arms and gazed at the wands, and their bearers and a cold shiver run down his spine. The Wizards stared at him intensely, a wrong move and he was dead.
The Wizard before him stepped forward, it seemed like he was in charge of the group.
“And who might you be?” the Wizard asked.
He shivered in the rain; he raised his head a little higher and answered modestly.
“I am Lucas Franklin Cox, just a common peasant from Raydia here to surrender and beg for my life.”
“What makes you think we won’t kill you just here and now for walking right toward us?” the Wizard asked. He was tall and gaunt, with bright blue eyes; Lucas could see them twinkle in the darkness of the night.
“I know you won’t kill me,” Lucas said. “Because according to your laws, Herulia spares enemies who surrender their lives willingly and execute them a month later, if he is good enough and the authorities have pity on him, he will be allowed to live for five years in the dungeons until he is officially made a Herulian.”
The Wizard laughed in the rain and five more Wizards giggled in his wake. “You seem to have studied our laws like a little old nursery rhyme, haven’t you? Now tell me, sonny, just out of curiosity, why are you surrendering? You don’t believe in your Country anymore? The final battle is due next month, you don’t have faith you’ll win so you’ve come all the way to the winning side? Tell me.”
Lucas smiled. “Yeah, something like that mate,”
The Wizard’s smile turned cold, he waved his wand and Lucas gasped into the air. He felt his stomach clench like it was being squeezed inward. Air rushed out of his lungs and none flew back in. He dropped down to one knee, his face contorted in pain. The Wizard raised his wand and the pain vanished, as quickly as it had come.
“Don’t ‘mate’ me, you filthy piece of shit. Search him, check for any wands, it might be a trick, he might be a Wizard in disguise.”
Another Wizard ran his wand around Lucas for almost a minute and he withdrew it. “No sir, not a wand present on him. He definitely isn’t a Wizard.”
The Leader moved closer and eyed Lucas. “Are you sure he’s wandless?”
“I’m most certainly sure sir; any wand present would have snapped under my spell, I sure didn’t hear anything did you? He’s as wandless as a chicken.”
The Leader of the Wizards seemed satisfied. “A wizard would have his wand with him everywhere he went; a wandless Wizard wouldn’t walk straight up to us foolishly like this. A wandless Wizard wouldn’t even go out at night. Put him in the cart, we’ll take him across the border to Herulia; he’s no danger to us. Commander Leroy will decide what we do with him.”
Lucas was shoved forward, one of the Wizards waved his wand and thick ropes flew out of thin air and bound his wrist tightly. He was put into a cart with a Wizard on either side of him. Two horses pulled the cart forward and on they went through the starry night.
He smiled inwardly, getting in was as easy as he had thought it would be, now doing what he had to do, seemed scary every minute the cart drew closer to the borders of Herulia. Lucas took in a few breaths, now the hard part was commencing and he had to muster all the courage he possessed, for the time had come as he had planned and it didn’t look easy.

The cart ride to the borders of Herulia was as bumpy as Lucas had predicted, the potholes were relentless, the citizens of Joria lived in so much misery, they couldn’t even look after themselves, let alone their environment.
Joria was a Country in-between the rival Countries Raydia and Herulia. A year ago, it was a very peaceful land with more people and less Wizards. Magic was partially dormant there, magic barely made a difference in the lands of Joria. Due to this, most Wizards evacuated and sought citizenship in their surrounding Countries leaving the ‘ordinary’ people to live their lives, till three months ago, when a hurricane attacked. The buildings were ripped apart, lives were taken, no one depended on magic there, so everything was lost, and everyone else had to fend for themselves. The strong managed to build shelters for themselves and their families, others fended for themselves in the wild and many more died from starvation, diseases and fights.
The fate of the Country finally came to lie in the hands of its neighbors, the two rivaling Countries, Raydia and Herulia. The issue on what to do with poor Joria had sparked a war that had partially died twenty two years ago. Now, the feud was up and running, the two Countries had decided to settle the matter in a month’s time on the already destroyed lands of Joria. Whoever won the battle would take Joria and do it as it pleased and also, command the defeated Country for ten years, no more, no less. The magical agreement was made and both Countries began its preparations, till three weeks ago, an evil plague hit the people of Raydia rendering most of their Wizards and people sick and bedridden. There was no cure for the disease but it had been stopped magically from spreading. Those infected wouldn’t die, but they would remain weak for at least five months. Raydia didn’t have five months. They knew that, so now they had given up all hope, and they had begun to await their enslavement.
Lucas wasn’t waiting for anything, he had a plan, and all he hoped was that, it was good enough to bring down Herulia from the inside and end the war. He knew it sounded impossible and almost foolish, but if someone didn’t try, all the people of Raydia and their loved ones would be living their lives under chains and he certainly couldn’t have that.

The rain had stopped, and the cart rode across the border. Lucas stared out into the sky, it seemed like dawn was approaching as fast as a hungry wolf. The Wizard to his left stifled a yawn; he shook his head trying to brush the sleep away. Lucas eyed the wand in the Wizard’s hand. Black, thin and dangerous looking, he shifted away from it. He knew perfectly well the things a wand could do, and he didn’t want to come into contact with one held in the hands of a Wizard, let alone a sleepy one. They stopped after half an hour, at the Great Castle of Herulia. Lucas was ushered through the giant doors by a troop of Wizards and they marched on, through the grounds, across a few lawns, and finally to a stone walled building, the Country’s Prison. Lucas stared up at the magnificent marble walls, so thick and impenetrable. A huge sign hung above and Lucas read: Dashlan Prison, Home of the Forsaken.
His new home.
Forsaken seemed like a strong word, it sort of gave off a feeling of foreboding.
The building was very huge, Lucas was certain inside was a huge maze of corridors and cells.
He was led through the doors and into the prison. More Wizards were present; some prisoners were on the floor scrubbing something brown and sticky off the floor. Lucas had to look away in order not throw up.
“Cell twenty three has room for one more,” a Wizard Guard behind a desk called. “Put him there, I’ll get the Commander.”
Lucas passed a lot of cells on his way to Cell twenty three; he even had to go down a flight of stairs, flanked by more Wizards. The Cells were like dungeons, each had a thick wall and a large iron door with a small screen on it, for which Lucas was very sure, the Guards used to look in and view at the Prisoners.
Well at least the Prisoners seemed to have very much privacy, and that was the one thing Lucas was grateful for. He stopped before Cell twenty three and the guard pulled out a wand and tapped the iron door, it flew open on its own accord and Lucas stepped in.
“Wait here, the Commander will be in shortly to inspect you,” the Wizard said.
Lucas nodded and the door was shut leaving him in a small stone walled room with a bunk with three beds, three small cabinets, a toilet, a coffee table and a sink. He walked forward and ran a hand on the smooth walls.
“They are two feet thick, there’s no escaping from inside here,” a voice said from the middle bed of the bunk. Lucas looked up and a black haired, heavy goateed, green eyed guy looked down at him.
“You’re our new cellmate, aren’t you?”
Lucas merely shrugged and walked over to the beds. “Which is mine?”
“The one below me,”
So Lucas turned around and sat on the lower bunk, white spreads neatly lain on it. He almost laughed to himself, his new home indeed. This place was like hell.
“Are you a Wizard?” the guy asked.
“That question seems to be asked frequently around here, why is that?”
“You didn’t answer the question.”
Lucas smiled and stood up as the iron door swung open.
A man stood before him, tall, muscular, strong jaw and wavy blonde hair.
“I’m Commander Leroy Davis, head of the Wizard army, everyone calls me Commander Leroy. Who are you?”
Lucas stepped forward. “I’m Lucas Franklin Cox, a common peasant from the lands of Raydia, sir.” He replied.
“I hear you surrendered to our men, how brave and quite foolish of you, I’d rather say. The last time we had such an incident, it was nine years ago, the unlucky Raydian died a month later with his head sliced off, you better hope you’re lucky, mercy is something very scarce around here these days.”
Lucas stared into the Commander’s face. He had a flair of arrogance to the way he spoke; Lucas could see he was a man who seemed to have his own way around here.
“Tell me Peasant, are you a Wizard?”
Lucas shook his head.
“We’ll see about that,” he turned around, “bring me the painting.”
One of the Wizard Prison Guards rushed forward and handed a painting to the Commander. Commander Leroy raised it to Lucas.
“What do you see?”
Lucas stared into the painting and squinted. It was a piece of art with different blend of colors mixed in odd and confusing designs. He moved forward, tilting his head.
“I see a man holding a rifle with two women standing at his side begging for . . .”
The Commander didn’t let him finish talking; he whipped the painting away and walked away from the Cell.
“He clearly isn’t a Wizard, give him a set of Prisoner clothes, take the one he has on and give him the necessary items a prisoner requires. I’ll report the news to the Princess; she’ll be delighted we’ve got a new prisoner from Raydia.”
Lucas was put back into his Cell a few minutes later in his new white top and black trousers; he walked over to the sink and splashed some water onto his face. He inhaled slowly, it had begun and it didn’t look so promising.
“A Wizard would have seen an elf, a dwarf and a gnome feasting on a round table, surrounded by mountain trolls.” his Cellmate said. Lucas turned to face him.
“How do you know that?”
“That’s the same painting they showed to me when I first came here, twelve weeks ago. And that’s what I saw.”
“So you’re a Wizard then.”
The guy nodded. “I’m Ray Castle, simply Castle, once a member of the Wizard Army of Herulia.”
Lucas walked to his bed and flopped onto it.
“So, Lucas Francis or whatever your name is . . .”
“It’s Lucas Franklin, please call me Lucas.”
“Ok, Mr. Lucas, why did you surrender? To live your life in solitude, when you could have lived and fought and won?”
Lucas said. “Are you suggesting I’m a coward?”
“Something like that.”
Lucas snorted. “It appears so, I’ve been a coward my whole life, it’s time I made a difference.”
“By surrendering?”
“Oh no, it’s something bigger than that,”
“It still seems like cowardice to me. In my opinion, this seems like a really tough battle and either Country has an equal chance of winning.”
Lucas narrowed his eyes. Obviously the Herulians didn’t know the Raydians had been crippled by a plague. At least that was good for them.
“Castle, let me ask you a question,” Lucas sat up. “Why are you being nice to me? Herulians and Raydians don’t get along so well, except for arranged trades of course, but I can’t grasp the reason why you’re being so sweet, are you trying to accomplish something?”
Castle’s head appeared from the side of the bed and looked down. There was a smile on his face.
“No one will be nice to you here if I I’m not, you could die here in two days if I don’t look after you, all you have to do is tag along after me everywhere I go, I’ll protect you well.”
Lucas turned to him, “Assuming I ‘tag along after you’ how will that prevent me from dying in two days?”
“Let’s just say, a lot of these prisoners are afraid of a former Army Wizard,”
“But you’re practically harmless without a wand,” Lucas put bluntly.
“True, I am, but a lot of them don’t know that, after all I don’t have these muscles for nothing. As I said earlier, all you have to do is tag along behind me; no one will touch you when I’m around.”
“No thanks, I’d rather die than put my life in someone’s hand. A wise man once told me, never trade your freedom for protection. Rather live a life full of danger than to entrust your whole being into the hands of one man. He’s not infallible.”
Lucas could see the anger building on Castle’s face.
“Who is this wise man?”
“Me.”
“Let me tell you something newbie, having me as your enemy is the last thing you want in your life in this prisons, the prisoners don’t like other prisoners, and they even hate Raydians, most do what I tell them to do and that’s not good for you. Mark that on the ugly smirk on your face, fool.” He turned around and his face disappeared in the darkness.
Moonlight seeped through the thin slits on the wall beside the cabinets. Lucas stared at the bottom of Castle’s bed. How would he do this? He couldn’t do anything without Castle not finding out, and it would be a big mistake to let him know what he was intending to do. He clearly hadn’t thought this through as he had made his plans. A loophole right at the start, how was he to pull this off? He either had to either let Castle in on what he was doing, or get rid of him, and he hadn’t even started on the bed above Castle, was it for someone? There were three cabinets on the walls and when they had entered a guard said the cell twenty three had room for one more. Lucas was already confused, telling Castle his plan didn’t seem like the best of options, he wondered what it would sound like if he was at home and a stranger told him he was in to bring down his Country. He certainly wouldn’t find that amusing in anyway.
He turned around in the bed and buried his face in the pillow. The Prison Cells were perfect, just what he needed, but everything wasn’t going to be easy. The word ‘easy’ wasn’t even in is vocabulary anymore. He sighed and tried to drift off to sleep.


The bangs of iron doors woke Lucas up. He stretched in bed and squinted in the light; all the cell doors were opening, the prisoners were filing out each cell and forming a queue in the narrow corridor. Castle leaped from the top bed and landed before Lucas, he ignored him and walked out of the room with a towel slung over his shoulder. Lucas got up from the bed and grabbed a pair of slippers, he put them on and took his towel, soap and sponge, he figured it was shower time for the prisoners.
The bathroom was huge; steam blew into the air as the prisoners washed down under the hot showers. Lucas waited in line with his towel around his waist, he gripped his sponge tightly as he stared straight ahead. He could hear the prisoners whispering. Many were staring in his direction, others pointed, and a few just ignored him. He could see Castle, a few feet ahead of him in the next queue. Castle was staring at him, three other big guys at his side with menacing looks on their faces. Castle turned around and patted the shoulder of one of his friends. The guy nodded and turned away. Lucas stared at Castles broad back. A huge tattoo was visible right below his neck. Lucas tilted his head to the side a bit and read, HER DAIN HOR. He smiled and looked away. What a silly thing to have on one’s body.
There was a pat on his shoulder, he turned around slowly and was taken aback slightly. A short guy stood behind him grinning with a fist thrust out to him. Lucas frowned and took it.
“Pope Williams, your other cellmate,” the guy elaborated. Lucas nodded, trying to be polite. At least having a few friendly people around him wouldn’t hurt.
“I’m Lucas Franklin . . .”
“Cox,” Pope continued, “I watched you last night when you arrived, I was part of the clean up crew scrubbing the slime off the floor. Did you really surrender to the Guards like they say?”
Lucas looked away.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pry, I’m really sorry, by the way, it doesn’t seem like you’re getting along with Castle,” Pope said as Castle turned around one more time.
Lucas spoke under his breath. “Is he really mean around here?”
Pope nodded. “A little, he is mean to a lot of the guys around, but there are a lot more meaner people around here, and he gets along with all of them. I wouldn’t want to get in his way if I were you. But considering your position, you‘re already in his way.”
Lucas moved forward as the queue began to shorten, the showers were limited and didn’t seem sufficient for the huge number of prisoners around, but Lucas was grateful anyway, nowadays, prisoners were even lucky to get to shower, even if it was once a week. He was getting closer to the shower, six more people and it would be his turn.
“So, why are you in here, Pope?” Lucas asked.
“You didn’t tell me why you are here.”
“Ah, but you already know why I’m here, don’t you, you just told me yourself.”
“Fine,” Pope shrugged and looked over Lucas’ shoulder at the people before him. “I um, harbored a thief after he stole a bag of gold from a wealthy man. I didn’t know what he had done, I just served him dinner. Next thing I knew, Wizard Guards were knocking on my door. They said they’d trailed the thief up to my house. I said I was harboring no thief, they thought otherwise. They arrested me, confiscated my wand and declared I was an accomplice in the thievery. And here I am, wasting away in the prisons.”
“What happened to the other guy?”
“The Guards killed him while pursuing him. They claim he attacked first but I really don’t think that’s entirely truthful. Them Guards, they are more like thugs, they do what pleases them and treat all others like animals.”
Pope was breathing very hard like he had just run a few hundred miles.
Lucas took a step forward. He turned and caught a view of himself in a mirror on the bathroom wall tiles. He stared at his reflection. Something he hadn’t done in a very long time. He looked not too thin and not too fat; he had jet black hair, a small nose, two metallic grey eyes, and was averagely tall, five feet eleven inches. To him, he didn’t look so good, so why did everyone else say otherwise? He had been trying to figure that out since his childhood.
“Move along mate,” Pope whispered. “You’re holding up the queue.”
Lucas nodded as he moved ahead.
“Well since I’ve told you why I’m here, I think it would only be fair if you told me why you surrendered.”
Lucas smiled and gave way as the door before him opened. An old man stepped out; eyes bright and beaming, Lucas stepped into the empty stall and turned around.
“You know what Pope; I really need a shower here after everything that went on last night. It can wait till later, can’t it?”
Pope nodded grimly as Lucas shut the door and turned on the showers.








Chapter 2


Two hours later, Lucas followed the prisoners out of the prisons and into the rising sun on the Prison Grounds. They seemed to be going somewhere. He joined a queue as they filed out the gates and down a path. Lucas was done with queues, he had joined so many today, he was tired of following nasty prisoners every few hours. He cast his eye out for Pope. If anyone could tell him where they were going, it would be him. Lucas spotted him ahead of him in the next queue. When the guiding Wizard Guard beside him turned away, Lucas slipped into the next queue and made his way forward, keeping a steady eye on the wands of the Wizards ushering them forward.
Lucas finally tapped Pope, who turned around beady eyed.
“What is it?”
“Where are we going?” Lucas asked.
Pope turned away and moved down the road. Lucas had to lean forward to hear his reply.
“To the chapel, for meditation.”
“Oh,” Lucas said. Meditation, he had heard about it from Raydia. How the Herulians gathered together in various chapels across the Country and sat down to meditate to themselves. It was believed that the god who created them did so in his own image. So when they meditated and looked inside themselves, they would find their god and talk to him. Lucas found this quite interesting. There was no such thing Raydia. There, life was so carefree; nobody was under certain strict laws of worship which called for punishment should one disobey.
Lucas followed Pope through a new gate and through a garden, toward a tall chapel. From what Lucas knew, the Herulian Chapels always lay in the middle of beautiful Gardens because they believed inside one’s soul is the most beautiful place in the world, hence outside their place of worship should be beautiful likewise. Lucas wondered if they walked through lovely and beautiful gardens when they ‘entered’ their souls and talked to their god.
The prisoners were guided through the massive wooden doors of the Chapel and into its fine interior. Lucas was a bit surprised. Inside was so white, everything looked so pure and godly. Lucas looked down at his matching white clothes; he now knew why the prisoners were made to shower on Saturday mornings.
Before them were huge stone steps that went all the way up to . . . Lucas squinted through all the whiteness, ah hah, to what looked like a high royal chair, embroidered in fine red and gold fabric.
“See you later then,” Pope said, moving forward.
“Where are you going?”
“To the top step, I’m one of the people who get to set at the feet of the Princess.”
“The Princess comes here too?” Lucas said, faking surprise. He knew the Princess always attended Chapel with the prisoners instead of the other royals. No one knows why she does that; they all think she’s trying to seek redemption for what she has done, or what she might do when the kingdom falls into her hands. Which by the look of the old age of her mother, would not be very long.
“But if you’re going up there, I’m coming with you,” Lucas said.
Pope shook his head, “no one sits up there unless appointed by the Princess herself, she chooses people she is fascinated by, or so I heard,” his voice turned into a whisper, “No one fully understands her except for Commander Leroy. They all say she’s mysterious in ways we can’t imagine. But of course, no one says that aloud. By the way, I decided I wasn’t going to talk to you.” He added as he stalked off and joined the other guys who were making it to the top.
Lucas’ gaze turned to the door as it burst open. Three Wizards in blue robes stepped in, their clothing was different from the normal red of the Wizard Guards. Lucas turned back to the door and what came in had all the prisoners staring.
The Princess was tall and dark haired, she had grey eyes, two dimples on either cheeks as she smiled when she stepped into the room. Her royal robes magically hovered a few centimeters off the ground behind her as she walked toward the little set of stairs by the huge ones. Three more blue robed Wizards stepped in, following her closely. Lucas was sure they were the Six Guardian Mages of Princess Piper he had been hearing about in Raydia. They formed a circle around her, wands out, as they guided her up to her royal chair. Princess Piper sat on her chair, and the Six Guardian Mages formed a line behind her.
Lucas joined the crowd and sat on one of the lower steps. For the first ten minutes, he took his time to stare at the prisoners, as almost all of them had their eyes closed in concentration. Only few, Lucas inclusive, had their eyes open, he was sure they were Raydian prisoners. Fifteen more minutes passed, and no one made a sound. The Six Guardian Mages stood very firm with their wands out behind the Princess. Lucas observed the Princess carefully, and spotted, at her feet, Pope with his eyes closed tightly, arms folded on his chest. Beside him was Ray Castle, Lucas’ roommate. Apparently, he was also on the Princesses favorite list. Lucas was impressed.
Another hour passed, and finally, the Princess clapped her hands and everyone’s eyes flew open again. The wooden giant doors opened once more and ten women filed in. They were dressed in skin tight dressing, and two of them held weird musical instruments. Lucas only found out they were musical when they started playing a slow melodious tune. The remaining eight started a slow dance routine that went with the music. All eyes were on the dancing team. After a few seconds, the music started to pick up a pace. The dancers started to leap up about in the air, and one woman, after a few gymnastic moves, was flipped fifteen feet in the air. She spun around like a top as she descended headfirst to the ground. At the last minute, she swung her legs forward and changed her orientation in the air and landed feet first in the hands of the rest of the dancing group.
Lucas turned and looked upward and saw the Princess, she stared at the dancers, her eyes full of delight. Pope was dozing off, it seemed he hadn’t opened his eyes after the meditation had been called off. A few minutes flew by, and the dancing was over. The music died down and the prisoners watched as the Princess descended the stairs, surrounded by the Six Guardian Mages. She stepped out of the room, and ten minutes later, the prisoners were ushered out of the chapel and back into the garden. Lucas sighed out. What a waste of time, his stomach rumbled loudly as they made their way out of the garden and onto the main road. He really hoped they were off to breakfast, because he couldn’t last another hour without food. He cast his eyes around as he remained in the queue that was led back to the prisons. The prisons and the prisoner’s chapel were all in the castle of the royals of Herulia. The chapel was only a few minutes walk from the prisons, Lucas wondered where the royal chambers were.

Breakfast in the dining hall wasn’t encouraging. The crowd was overwhelming and the food was beyond disgusting, Lucas wasn’t certain he was going to die in two days just as Castle had said. He grasped his tray firmly and walked through the rows of tables trying to find a place to sit. He reached the end of the room and finally found who he was looking for. Pope sat at a table with two other guys eating in silence. Lucas sat by him. Pope didn’t look up, he just had his head down, trying to enjoy his meal as much as possible.
“I don’t see any females here,” Lucas said.
“So?”
“So where are they?”
“They are at a prison at the other end of the Country.”
Lucas noticed Pope obviously didn’t want anything to do with him so he said.
“Pope, despite the little thing that happened between us this morning, I really need your help.”
Pope looked up. “Say what? You can’t really be serious, I mean, you actually expect me to help you out with whatever you it is you need?”
“Yes,” Lucas nodded.
“Then you’re seriously misinformed brother.”
“Ok, I’ll tell you the reason why I surrendered then we’ll be even, but I need to know that you can be trusted.”
Pop looked up again. “What are you talking about?”
“If I tell you why I’m here, you’re going to be a bearer of very dangerous piece of information; you could lose your life because of it and I wouldn’t want that.”
Pope turned back to his food and continued eating. “Well then keep your information to yourself and leave me alone.”
Lucas looked up from the table and stared at Castle, a dozen prisoners huddled around him, laughing at a few jokes he was cracking. The guy was generally liked by most of the thugs, Lucas began to reconsider things carefully. He turned back to Pope and placed a hand on his shoulder.
“Come on Pope, I just need a little help from you; just tell me what you know about Ray Castle and I’ll leave you alone for good.”
Pope snickered. “That’s not enough, dude. You’d have to do a better job than that if you want to coerce me. But thinking again, you do have to know a little about him if you want to survive. You deserve it. But after I tell you about him, you’re not bothering me again.”
Logan nodded solemnly.
“Ray Castle was not really as mean as he is now. He was actually this lovable guy I knew back in Joria when we used to go Wizard School.”
“You went to school with him in Joria?” Lucas interrupted.
“Yep, I did,”
“So he’s also not from here.”
“Yes. His family and mine crossed the border and settled in Herulia some years ago. Ray was a very talented kid in Joria, and when he came here, everyone just adored him, till one day, he was too intimate with a rich merchants daughter and had babies with her. Penelope gave birth to triplets, and in these lands, twins and triplets are forbidden to everyone else but not to the royals. Ray had his wife run off with the kids to a remote village in Joria while he stayed back here and joined the Wizard army to raise some money to look after his family.”
“Why did he join the army specifically?” Lucas asked, half-mindedly poking his untouched food with his fork.
“The army is the highest paid profession in these lands followed by wand making, but he has no talents in that, I do, that’s why I have a whole Wand shop back at home.”
Lucas smiled, now Pope was bragging about himself, he found that quite amusing. At first the guy didn’t want to talk to him, now his wealth was the next topic.
“So, how did he end up in here?” he asked Pope, who was just finishing up his food.
“No one knows. He didn’t tell anyone and he doesn’t plan on doing so. He was just thrown here without warning; I doubt his wife even knows he’s here. I’ve tried thinking of all the possible reasons why, according to the laws, he could be thrown in here, but I still can’t put a finger to it. Everyone’s crimes surface a day or two after they get here. Even if they don’t talk, the Wizard Guards make sure we know everything. But with Ray, no one knows. Even the Guards are quiet about it. Not one of them says a word.”
Lucas rose from his seat; his food still remained untouched before him. “Maybe the law he broke isn’t in the books. Maybe he didn’t break any at all.”
“If he didn’t break any, then why is he here?” Pope asked.
“I don’t know, weren’t you the guy who told me that, them Guards are more like thugs? And that they do what pleases them and treat all others like animals?” Lucas began to walk away.
“Hey, weren’t you going to tell me . . .”
“Later,” Lucas called over his shoulder as he made his way right past Castle, looked him straight in the eye, then finally let himself out of the dinning hall and out into the sun and the prisoner’s courtyard.
Lucas scanned the area, the prisoners had spread wide over the perimeter of the courtyard and most had clustered around in groups chatting and strolling around. Lucas walked over to a bench and sat down next to an old man. He looked like he was in his sixties; Lucas could bet his left foot that the man had been here almost his whole life.
“How many days since you’ve been here sonny?” the old man asked, turning his midnight black eyes to Lucas.
“I came here last night, so I guess you’d say that’s less than a day,”
The man nodded, “having fun?”
“You’d hardly say one could have fun in a place like this,” Lucas replied.
“Exactly, so then how did find yourself here?”
Lucas smiled inwardly, so that’s where the conversation was gearing towards.
“A couple of mishaps on the road to success can cause the downfall of the innocent,” Lucas answered without giving anything away.
“I see, so you’re very conservative.” The old man said. “So what’s your name, son?”
“Lucas,”
“So Lucas, if you had a chance to make the world a better place, where would you start from?”
Lucas leaned back in the bench, “I don’t know, In a prison cell perhaps, but why do you ask?”
“You seem like one determined kid with a goal bigger than you look. How old are you?”
“Twenty five,”
“Twenty five, one third of my age.”
Lucas turned to the old man and gazed at his features; white hair flowing down to his back, a sunken face with hollow cheeks. He had two black eyes, a frail build and a croaky voice. He did look old, now even older than Lucas had imagined a few minutes ago.
“So how long have you been here, Gramps?”
“Fifty years, and please, call me Julius.”
“Well what kind of crime keeps a young man at the age of twenty five in prison for as long as fifty years?”
“Let’s just say, at a point in time in life, one tends to slip away from the right path after a few mishaps have been thrown his way.” He said giving Lucas a shot of his own medicine. He gave Lucas a wink and scrambled off the bench and trudged away as fast as his old feet could take him.
Lucas turned around and saw why old man Julius had made a quick escape.
Castle approached from the dinning hall, flanked by a dozen guys and headed his way.
“Hey twerp, that’s my seat,” Castle called as he reached the bench.
Lucas shifted in the chair and ran his eyes along the bench for a few seconds. “I don’t seem to see any name or identification proving that this seat is yours. Or unless there is some kind of code on it I am missing.”
One of the guys grabbed him and flung him off the bench and onto the floor. Lucas landed with a dull thud on the floor, and climbed shakily back to his feet. He brushed dirt of his now dirty white outfit and turned to make his way toward another bench.
“Hey,” Castle sneered, “you don’t just walk away when I’m not done with you. I’m sure there’s no respect back in Raydia, I guess we’ll have to teach it to you.” He moved forward and grabbed Lucas by the collar. Lucas stared into his eyes and kept his comment to himself, Castle didn’t really scare him. Lucas could almost see the lovable kid in him Pope had described. He seemed less intimidating as he had been in the prison cell last night; Lucas was certain the thugs behind him made him feel big. He sighed and grabbed Castle’s fingers and began to pry them off his collar when he was hurled through the air and back to the ground again. The other prisoners rushed at him and began to attack him. Legs stomped him everywhere, he could barely scream as one of them grabbed his collar and dragged him on the floor toward the centre of the courtyard. Lucas struggled on the floor. He tried to get up, but was pushed to the ground a number of times. They finally backed off, and he lay on the ground smiling, every part of him felt as heavy as lead. Castle walked up to him and stared down.
“Why are you smiling?” he asked. Lucas still lay on the floor, the smile still plastered across his face. He closed his eyes as he heard someone scream ‘Guard’, but he didn’t care. He brought this on himself and he knew it wouldn’t be easy. The next thing he knew was total darkness, nothing more.


Lucas woke up a few hours later on a bed. He turned his head and looked around, trying to make sense of where he was. He was back in his cell even though he didn’t recall being carried here. He rose from the bed and realized there was not even one scratch on his body. He had been healed, he guessed, by a Med Wiz. The pain was still present but, no scars remained. At least he was grateful.
He walked toward the barred window and stared out, it was getting dark, the sun was setting fast. He looked down and could see the courtyard from the cell and he watched as the prisoners filed out from the dining hall and back onto the courtyard. It seemed like he had missed supper. He saw Castle walk up to the middle of the courtyard and look up at the window. Lucas gazed down at him and turned back to his cell. There was a tray on the coffee table, it seemed like his food had been sent up here. Lucas walked right past the food and stopped before the wall right beside the iron door and began to run his hands on the it. He stopped and turned, looking back at his food. He hadn’t eaten this morning but he didn’t feel like eating the brown and green goo, on the plate.
He jumped on the spot as the iron gate behind him opened. He had been taken by surprise. Three people stood outside the door. A Wizard Guard whose red hair matched his red robes, the blonde Commander Leroy, with his broad shoulders almost covering the doorway and finally, Lucas’ heart almost skipped a beat, Princess Piper herself, tall and beautiful, with her dark hair flowing down her back, and her grey eyes twinkling at Lucas. Being close up with her, he now understood why he had been told that he looked like her.
“To what do I owe this visit, your majesty?” Lucas said bowing before the Princess. Commander Leroy’s foot came up and slammed into his nose sending blood flying through the air.
“How dare you speak to the princess when she hasn’t addressed you?”
Lucas nodded, face in his hands, blood trickling down between his fingers.
“No, Leroy, you shouldn’t have done that,” Princess Piper cried running forward to grab Lucas’ arm and steer him to the bed. She made him sit and she drew her wand.
“No, Princess, you shouldn’t soil your hands with the likes of him. He is a filthy prisoner just like the rest of them.
Lucas looked up and he could see the fire in her eyes, as she stared at Commander Leroy. He kept his mouth shut, and she turned to Lucas.
“Take your hands away and let me see your nose.”
Lucas slowly shook his head.
Commander Leroy growled, “How dare you disobey a direct. . .” but shut it when the Princess turned to glare at him.
She turned back to Lucas. “I’m not going to ask you again. Take your hands away.”
Princess Piper slowly pried Lucas’ fingers away and pointed her wand at his nose, ‘Alto Relievo’ she said. Lucas’ broken nose made a loud snap and the blood stopped flowing. She spun her wand around in the air and blood vanished into thin air. Lucas eyed the wand as he ran a finger on his healed nose.
“Don’t fear magic, I heard you’re not a Wizard, is that true?”
Lucas nodded.
“What is your name?”
Lucas didn’t speak; he just stared at his feet as he rubbed his fingers on his nose gingerly. It was healed alright, but the pain would linger for a few hours, just like his aching body.
“His name is Lucas Franklin Cox, Princess,” Commander Leroy spoke up from behind the Princess.
“Commander, I don’t recall asking you a question since we entered this cell. The Commander nodded, glaring at Lucas as if it was all his fault.
Princess Piper turned back to Lucas. “You are from Raydia, yes?”
Lucas nodded.
“And I heard you surrendered, why?”
Lucas remained silent.
“Why are you not responding?” the Princess asked, leaning forward. She saw his eyes move past her face to that of the Wizard Commander’s.
Princess Piper didn’t even turn. “Commander Leroy, I implore you to leave this room and wait for me outside, I’ll be there shortly to speak with you.”
“But Princess, it is not safe . . .”
“I have a wand and I’m highly skilled with magic if you’ve forgotten, and I have Doug here to keep me company.” She said pointing at the red haired Guard who was taken aback by being addressed nicely by the Princess. “I don’t need you know, you may leave.”
“But . . .”
“I don’t need you right now, you may go, I’ll not say it a third time Commander.”
Commander Leroy cast an intimidating glance in Lucas’ way before walking through the iron door.
“Shut it behind you,” the Princess commanded. The door flew closed on its own accord at the tap of the Commander’s wand.
“Now,” the Princess said turning back to Lucas. “Tell me, Lucas, why do you look familiar, like I know you somehow?”
“Maybe you’ve been to my farms before on your trip to Raydia?” Lucas offered.
“No, I went to no such place on my visit to Raydia six years ago. Tell me a little about yourself, maybe I’ll figure it out.”
Lucas shrugged. “What is there to tell?”
“What work do you do?”
“I think you know that much,”
“Oh, so now the Commander left, you have a smart mouth?” the Princess snickered. She snapped her fingers and Wizard Guard called Doug pulled out a piece of parchment which suspended in the air before him. He whipped out a quill and prepared to write.
Lucas nodded. “So, I’m a peasant from Raydia. I live alone, both parents gone to the afterlife. I have a younger brother who is a carpenter and we live together in my farmhouse. I have a wife and a pet dog and I hate reading. That’s about much of my life which can be written on paper.”
“So you have a wife, and you left her to surrender?” the Princess asked in disbelief.
“No, she was driving me crazy ever since we married. She’s always wanted a baby and I’m just not prepared. So I left her with my brother and I came here.”
“That’s about everything we need, Doug are you done?”
Doug nodded as he scribbled away on the hovering piece of parchment before him. Lucas wondered what he was writing so much that he never finished. The story he had just given wasn’t that long.
Doug walked out of the room and the Princess followed. She paused at the door and turned. “I hope you have a nice stay here, your citizenship will be considered, if you’re lucky, you stay, if you’re not, you die next month.”
Lucas nodded his thanks.
“And I’m really sorry about your nose, it will not happen again, let me make it up to you. You are invited to sit at my feet during meditation at chapel, how about that?”
“Thank you, Princess, I am highly honored.” Lucas said bowing again.
The Princess gave a curt nod and left the room. The Iron door was shut and Lucas quickly ran up to press his ear against the door.
“Princess I couldn’t stop noticing that he looks a lot like you, you have the same eyes.” Doug was saying as they moved away.
“You think he looks like me? That seems true in a way, but I still think I’ve seen him somewhere before, I just can’t remember.”
Lucas walked back to his bed and dropped onto it. That was a good start. The Princess was very nice to him. He had a feeling she liked him a little. He had seen the look on her face when the Commander had kicked him in the face. He had seen pain in her eyes. Was she like this toward him because they looked alike or because she thought she knew him from somewhere? Lucas hadn’t thought about this too. His cover had almost been blown. He remembered exactly where the Princess had seen him, but he hadn’t thought she would remember him. That was a close call.
Lucas turned in the bed. He knew the Princess wouldn’t stop until she remembered, and if she did, he was a dead man.
He heard the prisoners troop back into the prison, returning to their cells. The iron door opened and he didn’t even look up when Castle walked into the room. Lucas was inside alone with the guy who nearly killed him today.
“I heard the Princess was inside here today,” Castle spoke up, still standing by the entrance. He hadn’t moved an inch.
Lucas rubbed his nose with his finger and smiled. “I guess news travels fast like wild fire in these closed walls.”
Castle inched toward the bed. He grabbed the tray on the coffee table and threw the plastic plate of it. He held the tray up high and moved slowly toward the bed.
“I want to know exactly what you told her about what happened at the yard, everything, or you’re a dead man, Cox.”
Lucas shut his eyes and ran a hand through his black hair, “If you try to touch me with that tray, you are rather a dead man, Castle, I swear, you wouldn’t go unpunished.”
Castle lurched forward and swung the tray forward. Lucas turned, coiled in the bed and pushed himself forward narrowly swerving the tray and grabbing Castle’s wrist. He twisted it and he dropped the tray. Lucas swung a foot forward and slammed it against the side of Castle’s head banging it against the top bunk. Castle recovered quickly and bent his head, thrusting it forward and slamming it into Lucas’ stomach. He rammed him against the wall. Lucas recoiled in pain as his already painful body screamed ‘fire’ at his brain.
Castle grabbed Lucas’ neck and pinned him to the wall, he moved his face closer to Lucas’ and whispered. “You will not try a stunt like that again, or I promise you, you’ll not live to see what I do to your body.”
Lucas breathed. “I’d prefer not to call this a victory for you; perhaps a stalemate will be a very reasonable word.”
Castle frowned and turned his head sideways, he noticed Lucas held the plastic fork he had been given behind him at the base of his neck, ready to sink it in as far as a plastic fork could go.
“Back off, and we’ll all have a nice quiet evening,” Lucas said.
“What’s going on?”
Lucas’ darted over Castle’s shoulder. Pope had walked in, hands in his pocket, eyes on the two, slightly puzzled. The iron door slammed shut behind him and there was silence.
Castle glared into his eye, his face a few millimeters away. He grunted and let go. Lucas also dropped the fork. He walked to his bed and flopped onto it and closed his eyes. His first day in the prison cell hadn’t gone out well at all. He had been hoping for a quiet day with less activity and more time to think of his plan and begin some action. Right now, with Castle breathing down his neck and Pope in the way, he was in no position to start any business. There was only one thing he could do and he had to do it quick or else, time would run out. He sighed and drifted slowly off to sleep.

Lucas woke up very early. Through the window, he could see it was very early at least three more hours till they were woken up, judging by when he was woken up yesterday. He rose from the bed and walked over to the sink. He splashed some water on his face and turned to Castle who was watching him with half closed eyes. Moonlight lit the room up a bit, casting shadows along the walls and floor.
Pope was snoring up on the highest bed, Lucas was sure he was very tired since he hadn’t slept the other night.
Lucas moved forward and sat on the coffee table before him and looked up to Castle, “So I hear you have a family hiding in Joria,”
Castle rose up in the bed and sneered. “The next word from your dirty mouth shouldn’t be about my family, or else I’ll . . .”
“I heard she don’t know you’re here in prison, your wife, she might even be thinking you ran away, maybe because you felt she and the kids were a burden you couldn’t carry. Maybe she feels you don’t love, one day the money just stopped coming and you were nowhere to be found.”
Castle let out a growl and leaped out of his bed. Lucas got up, kicked the coffee table forward to block Castle’s path and backed against the wall.
“There is a way you can contact her, I can keep sending her money have her know that you’re ok and will be back home very soon.”
Castle grabbed his collar and pushed him hard against the wall but Lucas could see him going soft. He could see the weakness in his eyes, reflecting his longing for his family.
“She loves you, Penelope really does and I can help,”
Castle’s hand moved from Lucas’ collar to his jaw but the grip was very tight, “Don’t say her name.” His breathing was very heavy now. Lucas knew his words had hit home.
“I’ve tried every possible way of communication, but nothing get’s outside the prison walls, let alone the castle. You came here two nights ago, what do you know about communication with the outside world?”
He let go of Lucas and swept his feet back to his bed.
“But, I can . . .” Lucas began.
“I have nothing to say to you.”
Lucas sighed and walked back to his bed. He sat down on it and put his face in his hands.
“My offer still stands, when you’re ready you, just tell me,” he said.
Castle growled in anger but said nothing as Pope’s sharp snore cut through the night.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1040
Reviews 19
Hey, Its IR, here's what i half to think of your story so far.

Ok, this probably wont be the best review, its my third.

The first thing i saw was that it was way to long. Shorten up your posts. When i saw how long it was i immediately has less interest. Im not saying delete anything, just spread it out in multiple posts.

Ok, next thing

I am Lucas Franklin Cox, just a common peasant from Raydia here to surrender and beg for my life.”

I don't think he was really " begging for his life" but if he was trying to make them think that, he wouldn't just say it so flatly and with no emotion.

I love the beginning though, it was really cool.

The one thing i like most about this, is the kind of darkness to it. No like evil, but the seriousness of it.

no one depended on magic there, so everything was lost, and everyone else had to fend for themselves.


I got confused when i read this. I thought it said everything twice and i thought it didn't make since. Maybe change the first "every" word so people don't get confused. but maybe i just read it too fast.

T
he rain had stopped, and the cart rode across the border. Lucas stared out into the sky, it seemed like dawn was approaching as fast as a hungry wolf.


this is the second time you used the comparison of a wolf. Maybe something else would be
better
They stopped after half an hour, at the Great Castle of Herulia. Lucas was ushered through the giant doors by a troop of Wizards and they marched on,


There was a gap in him being in the car and marching across the lawn. Maybe writing him getting out and wizards roughly throwing him around would be good.

I'm sorry but im gonna stop here. It was too long for me.

Though i say this again, it was real good. Keep it up.
"Ever knee shall bow and tongue confess...."
Need a review???? http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic54524




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 8954
Reviews 89
First of all, this is a really really long post. I'll be reading it in a couple parts. It really does make it easier on the reviewer if the post isn't much over 1,500. I like your writing style, but it needs a bit of help. Especially when your describing the history, you use too many pronouns and it makes it harder to keep track of. The biggest issue,though:
To put it simply, you have a thing with commas. Commas are good, but some of your sentences are ridiculously long. Break some into two or even three separate sentences, and it will sound better and read easier. Also, you can use dashes and semicolons in the place of comas occasionally. Examples:
The Wizards stared at him intensely, a wrong move and he was dead.

You could put a dash after intensely and it would read better.

Search him, check for any wands, it might be a trick, he might be a Wizard in disguise.”

People don't speak like this, mostly because they have to stop and breath. Also, I get the impression these wizards are cold, hard people, and speaking in shorter sentences would give off that impression anyway. Maybe something like this?
Search him, check for any wands .It might be a trick- he might be a Wizard in disguise.”


He smiled inwardly, getting in was as easy as he had thought it would be, now doing what he had to do, seemed scary every minute the cart drew closer to the borders of Herulia.
This is one sentence, and I'm afraid you have many like them. Once again, comma happy! How about:
He smiled inwardly- getting in was as easy as he had thought it would be. Now doing what he had to do seemed scarier every minute the cart drew closer to the borders of Herulia.


Also, a couple of nitpicks:
I’m most certainly sure sir;
I understand what you're trying to say, but this just sounds awkward and doesn't suit the character your giving these wizards, in my opinion. You can completely ignore this, but maybe try something like absolutely positive, or something so you don't get 'certainly sure sir'.
I liked the actual story, mood, and characters, which is why I only picked on the formation. Restructuring your sentences will make the great story here come through better.
Good luck!
If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it.~Toni Morrison

It is written in m life-blood, such as that is, thick or thin; I can do no other~ Tolkien




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2082
Reviews 13
Wow, this was very good. I was hooked onto it mostly the whole way through. Something that I caught was this:
There was a huge possibility that we would die in the process

Did you mean "he" instead of "we"

But I was very captured throughout this whole story. I was astounded at the discription in it. I felt as if I was right there, watching from the sidelines. And the first sentence :
The drops fell lightly on his face, so he pulled his hood up.

That really got my attention because you already started describing and incorporating the scenery as well as the man himself. Very good. I'm looking forward to the next chapters. :D
["People think it is holding on that makes you stronger, but sometimes it's letting go." ]



The bigger the issue, the smaller you write. Remember that. You don’t write about the horrors of war. No. You write about a kid’s burnt socks lying on the road. You pick the smallest manageable part of the big thing, and you work off the resonance.
— Richard Price