A Simple Black Dress

They met at a ball
She wore a white dress
They chatted like old friends
She fiddled with her hair, every tress

They became good friends
She wore a white shirt
He sad he was going to war
He promised he wouldn't get hurt

They talked every day
She wore a white blouse
Sometimes he even visited
He came to her house

The calls soon stopped
She wore white shoes
He never answered
It gave her the blues

She turned old-fashioned
She wore a white sweater
He never replied
to any of her letters

A letter soon came
She wore a white jacket
It was not from him
It said he died in the packet

The funeral was arranged
She wroe a simple, black dress
She cried for her lost love
She cried for this mess

Hi there! I'll be reviewing (or trying to, since i'm not such an expert) your poem today.

First of all, the story.
It's not really original, is it? We've heard it before.
And my guess is that you realized that and so you tried to add a personal twist to it, which would be the description of her items of clothing. In the first stanza, it still fits in well, as it does in the last stanza. But in all the stanzas in between, it just seems forced and completely out of context. If you could choose clothes that are more symbolic, you might get more out of it.

Secondly, I noticed the sentence structure. Every single sentence in this poem has the same pattern: Subject / verb / object etc.
As in: They / met / at a ball.
All in all, this makes your poem appear dull and simply descriptive, almost like a scientifical essay. It would be simple to change the structure. "A ball is where they met", just for starters.

Another way to avoid this monotony would be to take your phrases further than what they are. Sure, she wore a white dress when they met. So what? All you do in your lines is describe. There is no interpretation, no feeling, no glimpse at you character's inner life, nothing unconventional, no special point of view, no possibilities. Sentences like "she wore a white dress" undermine the reader's imagination. There are a million possibilites to show what she was wearing in a much more special fashion - I'm sure you could write down thousands. "The seam of her blossom-white dress flowed in the wind" is just one of them (and a very tacky one, sorry about that )

Another factor that adds to this dullness is the fact that you never run a context over more than one line. Each verse is a complete unit in sense, e.g. "They met a ball", "She wore a white dress" - these sentences could easily stand alone. What would make the reading of your poem interesting, however, is something along the lines of this:
"They met a ball
where they exchanged looks
and while they talked
he noticed the white of her dress."
Of course, this example sounds completely stupid [sorry, i'm tired xD], but the point is that lines 2 and 3 could not stand alone. This way, the poem becomes a whole and not just a patchwork of random phrases.

The last thing I will point out is how to make characters come alive. Let's take, for example, the sentence "She cried for her lost love".
Gee, sure, she cried because she lost the man she loved. That is absolutely expectable. It doesn't shock the reader, doesn't jerk him awake, so one reads it like a price tag in a shop. It makes her character feel unreal and boring.
For example, when my fiancée and I broke up this summer, yes, I cried. But while I cried, I didn't think "Oh no, I lost my love." Hell no, I instead thought really weird and absolutely non-romantic things like "Tomorrow is our family party and everyone's gonna ask why he's not coming" or "Who's going to fold my laundry now? I hate folding laudry, he always did that for me."
Again, stupid examples, but I hope you get what I'm trying to say about the characters and their thoughts/feelings.


God, I hope all this made sense (in my head, it did xD) and it's useful to you. Good luck with further writing, I hope to be reading from you again soon (:

Love your poem. I just reviewed it like three times but my computer kept deleting my text... so here is generally what i said earlier-

Cool poem, like the clothing you add. Love the first and last stanzas, the second-to-last stanza is off- i think it's b/c of the beat. Try using Wasn't, or try

A letter soon came
She wore his white jacket
Army Seal on the front,
Said he died in the packet.

A bit more prescriptive, i think. And contrary to SleepyJacky, I like how you have Subject / verb / object. It gives repetition, which i think is essential to some poems top make them work, like your poems. I've written some poems that need repetition and some that would be ruined by it, but i think yours needs it. I like it, however.

They became good friends
She wore a white shirt
He sad he was going to war
He promised he wouldn't get hurt

I think you could delete the he in red, it messes with the beat just a little. and that many he's (4) in to lines is a little overwhelming.

I know i said i loved the last stanza, but maybe change the last She to And because with both of the last lines as She's, it makes it a little choppy but if you use And it flows a little better

Those were my reviews... Feel free to ignore every one of them. But i really do hope they were helpful -Kelly <3

That reminded me of Katy Perry's "Thinking of You" video right? Yes it is not an original topic, yet it doesn't make it any less interesting. The poem was nice but it had a couple of concept issues. I get the whole, wearing white while in love, then when he dies you wear black. I thought that was a nice touch.

She wore white shoes

I think you just got lazy there because come on shoes?

Sometimes he even visited
He came to her house

The second sentence doesn't need the first he, instead change it to and or something.

She turned old-fashioned
She wore a white sweater

How does wearing a white sweater make you old-fashioned?

He never replied
to any of her letters

That was the first time I noticed you break a sentence in half and it seemed a little to late in the poem. Other that that this was all good

Hi there! Kamas here!

I really loved this. The rhyming scheme was a bit immature but it ended up to be quite lovely.

They met at a ball
She wore a white dress
They chatted like old friends
She fiddled with her hair, every tress

For this stanza I like the beginning, it is the last two lines, the rhyming scheme you use is a worn out one that everyone has used before. So if you plan to use that rhyming scheme, try to make it the best possible. The last two lines have to many syllables to flow properly with the rest of the stanza. shorten them down. Try to make the transition as smooth as possible.

They became good friends
She wore a white shirt
He sad he was going to war
He promised he wouldn't get hurt

He sad ha was going to war? I believe you forgot a 'was' in there.
Other wise it works, the transitions are a little tougher then I'd like them to be, like a seam of a coat the is obvious. but it works. If you can tighten up the transitions that's great but I'd focus on the stanza above.

They talked every day
She wore a white blouse
Sometimes he even visited
He came to her house

This rhyme is a little bit immature. Blouse and House? It's very basic. It is as if you could not think of anything hence placing that word there to make it rhyme. If you wish to keep those words though, I suggest cutting the 'even' out.

The calls soon stopped
She wore white shoes
He never answered
It gave her the blues

Again, an immature rhyme where you couldn't find a rhyme. That is the problem with using this rhyming scheme, there is very little you can do that will seem creative.

She turned old-fashioned
She wore a white sweater
He never replied
to any of her letters

There is something in this stanza that tips me off. The last line should work but it doesn't. It is one syllable too many. But the problem is that all the words are necessary in this line. This means I suggest you rewrite the line entirely with one less syllable.

A letter soon came
She wore a white jacket
It was not from him
It said he died in the packet

I feel packet is a bizarre word to use. It is obviously very forced because of the ending. This one is the same as the line above as well. One syllable to many, but all the words are necessary.

The funeral was arranged
She wroe a simple, black dress
She cried for her lost love
She cried for this mess

Wore would be the correct spelling for that. Again, immature rhyme.


Your biggest problem throughout the poem is that, the rhyme you use is a common one. Often the starter one for any poem. But it restrains you so so much. Poems do not have to rhyme as a lot of people think. As a matter a fact it is very hard to get an actually good rhyming poem. Try something new, do not restrain yourself with the stereotype rhyme. Have fun, and practice lots. You'll be quite good one day if you keep at it.

Kamas

Wow, that was actually pretty good, pretty powerful. The poetry is simple but profound, and painfully emotional. Now I must say I have a couple of nitpicks. They are not really problems, per se, just matters of opinion, really. "It gave her the blues" and "She cried for this mess" sound slightly out of place, too trite and casual for this lovely poem. Other than that, however, a beautiful poem.

This may have not been an original poem, but it's a poem none the less, all ideas come from an existing one, it was a nice sweet poem, if you used more detail in how they felt it could become more of an original poem. There was one line where you wrote "He sad he was going to war" I believe you mean said if not then that is the wrong way to use that word. Take into consideration what I have said, I think this could be a really good poem if you do.

That was one amazing reading.

Original or not,the theme and its execution was just brilliant.A few incidents of forced rhyme may have arisen but that really is no stain on the work overall.The way the poem was built up was great.Predictable yet tempting to read on.

The masterpiece was the description of dressing on the second line of each stanza.Extremely well thought of and extremely well applied.

Keep up the good work.

They met at a ball
She wore a white dress
They chatted like old friends
She fiddled with her hair, every tress

Yech, I'm sorry but this rhyme is horrible. I think this is the worst rhyme in the poem, and that's not good since it's the very first stanza, and that's the most important.

The rhymes in this are very forced, and just remember, poetry doesn't have to rhyme, I thin this poem would be awesome if it wasn't for the forced rhyming. I love the idea of incorporation of the clothes she's wearing. But the rhyme just ruins it for me.

Hmm.

I like the theme, which you've probably gotten already, but the composition of it threw me for a loop.

I get the insertion of the minute, commonplace things like shoes and clothing and even the ultimate alteration with the white and black clothes, but all the information came together more like a jumbled thought, which I've seen done, but this diddnt really have much structure beyond being many short sentences without end or punctuation.

Like I said, the idea behind it is very great and some of the phrases are well used, but for the most part this became hard to read.

No hard feelings, Era.

Hi Jas

They became good friends
She wore a white shirt
He sad he was going to war I think you meant 'said'.
He promised he wouldn't get hurt

Okay, Jas, I'm going to be brutally honest . . .I didn't really like this poem. The story behind it is one that has been told time and time again, and even though saying things like, "He wore a white shirt," gives us an image of what he's wearing, they are very tedious and immature adjectives. It feels like the lines that you repeat telling us what she's wearing are basically there to make this into a quatrain, because they serve no real significance to the poem.

Also,

The calls soon stopped
She wore white shoes
He never answered
It gave her the blues First of all, "It gave her the blues" is such a vague and somewhat dreadful attempt at a description of emotion. Try using something that actually provides us with some knowledge! Tell us how she has nightmares fearing for his life, how her thoughts are haunted by him. Use something besides blues, like despair, melancholy, miserable, etc. Furthermore, 'shoe' and 'blue' is an exhaustingly overused rhyme.

She turned old-fashioned If you must use this line, replace turned with something like became, changed, etc
She wore a white sweater
He never replied
to any of her letters

The funeral was arranged
She wroe a simple, black dress Wore*

She cried for her lost love
She cried for this mess My favorite lines.

I believe if you do some editting and take out the repetition it could become really great. And I sincerely apologize if I was too harsh, I'm simply trying to help you improve.

~BTM

xDDDD I know this sucks, I wrote it like two years ago as a fresh and young little YWSer, new to poetry, story-writitng and poetry in general. XDD It's funny how of all things, you brought up this. I think I'm going to lock it actually. Thanks for the review anyway!

xDDD I'm sorry but I'm actually really laughing right now. x