Prologue - Pawns (Stand in Name) - Novel

(This is part of a Novel that I am writing, I am planning on putting up more chapters within the next few weeks)

Chaos. That is the one word that describes the scene before him. The Wardens have numbers and skill on their side, yet it had become a massacre. A river of blood ran in the cracks of the cobblestone street, mixed in with the hair, limbs and remains of mutilated carcasses. The sounds of magi shouting in harsh, alien tongues resounded throughout the hall. Ice poured down from the ceiling, striking the soldiers on both sides. Two Warden magi were maintaining a volcano that had erupted in the midst of the enemy, moving their arms in rigid motions and screaming, their voices filled with rage.

Aran breathed heavily, and fell to one knee as two of his comrades passed him to take on the iron horde of defenders. A searing pain snapped across his entire back, as if he had just endured a lashing for getting into a brawl. He screamed out in pain and surged forward, joining his companions on the front lines.

They were slowly being pushed back towards the door of the keep, and they all felt the invisible whips that the magi were wielding intensifying as the battle wore on. Aran felt something pulling at him to his left. A strong wind began to blow, causing blood to spray up from the ground into the Wardens' faces. The man immediately to his right yelped in pain as a rock flew up from the floor and smashed into his temple, causing him to fall over as blood seeped out of the wound. Aran turned and suddenly the reason for the wind became clear, there were three miniature tornadoes swirling through the already broken lines.

The horn of retreat was sounded, the back lines and magi of the Wardens began to fall back quickly, sprinting down the hill towards the boats. Four of the magi stopped and turned, screaming in their language. The front lines were steadily backing out, there were only a handful left inside of the keep.

The gates were closing.

Holy pumpkins and grape juice! This was awesome! I am craving for more! Wowza (And again, another story has reduced me to using made up words.) I can hardly wait until chapter two! Please message me when you post more. Well, that's all, bye-bye now!

(Elephants! You have returned! The happiness I feel now is far greater than any I have ever experienced.)

Hello there, HomelessPorcupine! Nice to see some lovely prologues still being posted in the Fantasy Fiction forum. Because I have such a weakness for Prologues and I have not critiqued here in a while, I'm just going to take this paragraph by paragraph, okay? Such juicy prologues deserve such detailed attention. It's your first impression on your reader, your first words to enrapture your readers. You have a nice start.

Chaos. That is the one word that describes the scene before him. The Wardens have numbers and skill on their side, yet it had become a massacre. A river of blood ran in the cracks of the cobblestone street, mixed in with the hair, limbs and remains of mutilated carcasses. The sounds of magi shouting in harsh, alien tongues resounded throughout the hall. Ice poured down from the ceiling, striking the soldiers on both sides. Two Warden magi were maintaining a volcano that had erupted in the midst of the enemy, moving their arms in rigid motions and screaming, their voices filled with rage.

Your first word is loaded with power--it is naturally a powerful word and a nice choice for the beginning. However, as chaotic as the images you are producing are, the sentences do not SOUND chaotic. You are writing in a subject-verb pattern here, and that sometimes works if you are trying to create a rhythm, but I don't feel like you're going for rhythm here. I feel like you want chaos, which is why I suggest varying these sentences and reading this aloud to suck the rhytm out of it. Chaos is abrupt and unpredictable, so I would suggest arranging some of these sentences with that in mind. Dashes are especially helpful for this. Also, as I have said, the images here are very chaotic, but I have little perspective on your story yet and you did a nice job with your detail about limbs and hair in the street, but I think some of you words, verbs especially, could use some more thought on how to be specific and give you readers a clear image of what is happening. The chief example of this for me was the verb 'maintained'. The word 'maintained' does not strike me as especially chaotic. If you want to create chaos, keep your word choice and rhythm in mind. Keep in mind, it's your first impression, and, because it's so short, all of these things double in importance.

As for the part I highlighted in red, those sentences do not fit in with the rest of the paragraph in my opinion. I feel like that first sentence makes us see through the eyes of the narrator, but does little else, and I think you could put us in that position more effectively. That sentence is an opportunity to give us a window into your character's head--take advantage of it. And the second sentence just sounded awkward to me due to the mixed verb tenses of 'have' and 'had'. Rework that sentence.

Aran breathed heavily, and fell to one knee as two of his comrades passed him to take on the iron horde of defenders. A searing pain snapped across his entire back, as if he had just endured a lashing for getting into a brawl. He screamed out in pain and surged forward, joining his companions on the front lines.

Iron horde? If you are referring to armor, I suggest being more specific. Otherwise, I don't understand that adjective-noun pairing. The 'brawl' portion gives us a good insight into your main character, but the second half of that sentence lacks the vivid, grotesque imagery you have been developing here. Focusing on the pain or bloodiness of the back in the aftermath of a lashing rather than the lashing itself would help here (if that doesn't make sense, tell me and I can elaborate).

They were slowly being pushed back towards the door of the keep, and they all felt the invisible whips that the magi were wielding intensifying as the battle wore on. Aran felt something pulling at him to his left. A strong wind began to blow, causing blood to spray up from the ground into the Wardens' faces. The man immediately to his right yelped in pain as a rock flew up from the floor and smashed into his temple, causing him to fall over as blood seeped out of the wound. Aran turned and suddenly the reason for the wind became clear,(a dash would work better here) there were three miniature tornadoes swirling through the already broken lines.

Wielding and intensifying sound a little strange together, in my opinion. I like the way you focused on man's reaction to the tornadoes in this part, instead of fixating on the power of the tornado; I would suggest emphasizing that more. It helps personalize the fantastical events occurring here, a good tactic for drawing a reader in.

The horn of retreat was sounded,(need some punctuation such as a semicolon, period, dash or a conjunction here) the back lines and magi of the Wardens began to fall back quickly, sprinting down the hill towards the boats. Four of the magi stopped and turned, screaming in their language. The front lines were steadily backing out,(again, punctuation. Watch out for run-ons that are grammatically incorrect) there were only a handful left inside of the keep.

The images you create here work well to establish the chaos here. My biggest suggestion would be concerning your last line. Your writing style does not lend itself to large, elaborate descriptions, but I would like to see some detail that would hint at the condition of these handul. In this prologue, you seem to be emphasizing hardship and the destruction this battle is wreaking and adding detail to that last line will greatly enhance that point.

The gates were closing.

Generally, avoiding passive voice is a good idea, and I do think that "The gates closed" is a stronger ending than "The gates were closing"; however, your construction is largely dependent on where your first chapter begins. If it begins directly after this, your construction works. If not, I suggest active construction.

Overall, an engaging introduction. A lot happens in this prologue and you are beginning to capture the chaos of this moment; however, I think working on your rhythm and sentence variation as well as remaining loyal to your grotesque imagery and personalization to the main character will largely help this piece. Very nice job and I hope this is helpful. If you have any questions, feel free to ask.

Hey HP! I love your username. Welcome to YWS! Call me Stella, I will be your reviewer today!

I. NITPICKS

The Wardens have numbers and skill on their side, yet it had become a massacre.

There seems to be a bit of a tense mix-up here- change it around a bit?

the cobblestone street,

cobbled, maybe?

mixed in with the hair, limbs and remains of mutilated carcasses.

Other remains, maybe? Only 'cause the first two belong to carcasses, if you get my drift.

II. GORE

Seriously, is this all necessary? Don't get me wrong, I love bloodiness as much as the next person, but come on. Limbs lying in the streets, blood being sprayed into people's faces? I mean, really? Relax a bit. This just reads like a Saw movie or something. Look at aspects other than the bodies lying around on the ground and blood- you say the word blood a lot. Why not even consider using words to describe colours of red and such as substitutes for it? This is just a bit too heavy, and not exactly realistic. Also, look at the emotional effects this must be having on the soldiers. They're not likely to get over those sights in a hurry. Are any going mad, sobbing over bodies, refusing to go on?

III. WHO'S FIGHTING WHO?

Because I was totally confused. Is Aran a Warden, and the Magi are their generals? Who's retreating? I got totally lost here. I think you need to make it clearer what exactly is going on, when you said the retreating horn sounded, I had no idea which side it was for. Look at things like that.

IV. OVERALL

Chill a bit with the gore, and it should be good!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella.

HI, it's infinite reality. Ok, the whole prologue was great . Some little things would make it better.

1. Explain what the magi are. Even if the reader knows, its better to give your view on what they are in your book.

2. Write more descriptions on where they actually are. I couldn't really picture in my mind where it was taking place.

3. This isn't as important. Make either a little bit more happen, or just make it longer. In a book, i would have thought it wasn't important because it was short.

Sorry if this a bad critique, its my first. Critique mine please

Hey :]

I really did like this - and it's rare that I like this kind of elemental magic stuff.

Now, I probably am wrong, but I caught the impression that this was sometime in the future - and then the book would start previous this.

In contrast to other people have reviewed, I think it's ok that you don't know who is fighting who yet. It just adds to the chaos - maybe there aren't specific "teams", and people are just fighting random people.

Yes, it is good - maybe make it a bit clearer as to where they are. I think I understood the scene well, but i'm a little uneasy still as to whether I did or not.

Please carry on - and PM me more :]

Hey, Jetpack here, but I go by Jet. Welcome to YWS! I see you've posted in Welcome already, so I'll let the greeters do their job and give you a rundown of the rules, but seeing as you have the required 3 reviews to post a piece, I'm happy. This is my favourite length to crit - short. So I'll nitpick.

You has grammar! Awesome. That makes everything a bit easier. However, you've spelled "prologue" incorrectly in your title, which makes it unattractive to a reviewer. That's easy to change.

That is the one word that describes the scene before him. The Wardens have numbers and skill on their side, yet it had become a massacre. A river of blood ran in the cracks of the cobblestone street

Okay, I was confused here. Your tenses seem to have gone awry. You begin in present tense and then shift to the past, which appears to be grammatically correct if confusing, but then you begin to describe the scene that IS before him in the past tense. Just stick with past tense at the beginning and you'll be fine.

A river of blood

It doesn't do much for me, this metaphor. It's overused. I'd just cut "a river of", because "blood" is powerful alone.

Ice poured down

Ice can't pour, as it's not a liquid. I know what you mean, but the image this creates isn't quite right. I'd use "dropped", or something similar.

Two Warden magi were maintaining a volcano that had erupted in the midst of the enemy, moving their arms in rigid motions and screaming, their voices filled with rage.

Right, this sounds like the volcano is moving its arms in rigid motions. I'd split this sentence into two so you can get a "they" in somewhere.

A searing pain snapped

"Snapped" seems wrong with "searing", if you know what I mean.

as if he had just endured a lashing for getting into a brawl.

Seems a bit too specific, and the mundane simile doesn't fit well with the carnage around your character.

He screamed out in pain

Repetition of pain. Try "agony".

the invisible whips that the magi were wielding intensifying

Not sure about "intensifying". How can whips intensify? It seems like the wrong word. Plus, the fact that these whips are invisible seems odd, too. I'm sorry I'm not being much help here with suggestions.

A strong wind began to blow, causing blood to spray up from the ground into the Wardens' faces.

I'm not too bothered about gore usually, but I'll have to echo Stella's point here, since this seems like total overkill. Water from puddles doesn't tend to blow up off the ground on a windy day; just because you have blood doesn't mean you can mess around. The concept of blood spraying up from the ground is quite funny. This is the problem with too much gore; you reach a point where horror just becomes farce. Listen to Stella's advice on that one.

Aran turned and suddenly the reason for the wind became clear, there were three miniature tornadoes swirling through the already broken lines.

Comma splice. This should be a full stop rather than a comma. On top of that, I'm not sure I like the word "miniature" with "tornadoes" here. Not actually sure I like tornadoes, as it is. Again, I repeat the point that you may be going slightly over the top, even for fantasy.

The horn of retreat was sounded, the back lines and magi of the Wardens began to fall back quickly

Another comma splice. It should be a full stop here, before "the back".

The front lines were steadily backing out, there were only a handful left inside of the keep.

Ditto. Full stop after "backing out".

I think all of this is unclear, but then, I struggle with battle scenes anyway. Even Tolkein's killed me - no pun intended. A scene like this wouldn't invite me into a book, but that's personal taste, so I'll leave it at that. The others have already mentioned clarity, and though I like your feeling of chaos and I don't think you should describe who and what the magi are, make sure you aren't getting us in over our heads. Are the magi on both sides? Who are the Wardens fighting?

Grammatically, watch the comma splices. I think I caught them, as did Writersdomain, but just watch out for them in future. On top of that, tenses - there was just a bit in present tense at the beginning which confused me, but I'm still stuck as to whether that's correct or not. As I explained further up, I don't think it is, but regardless it threw me off.

Lastly, gore. Mutilated limbs lying on the ground, maybe, but blood squirting at people ruined it for me. Equally, the tornadoes; don't go too far over the top.

That's it from me. I think you did a great job with this, and I look forward to seeing where it goes; more battles and you'll probably lose me, I'm afraid, but that's just a matter of taste, like I said. However, it's well written and with a bit of tweaking, this could be great. Good luck.

Thanks a lot for the input guys! I really appreciate it.

Wow. Intense intro. I don't know if it's been mentioned, but Wouldn't magi be capitalized? Of course, this could be part of the plot and I'm completely wrong. The only thing that really bothered me about this piece was the gory-ness. It seemed a little excessive and made it hard to focus on the actual plot.

Great start. I hope to see more of this!

((Sorry for taking so long to respond with the edit guys, school, work and all that stuff. You'll notice that I didn't take all of the goriness out. I tried, but it just didn't feel the same. I can promise you that the whole book won't be like this, though I wouldn't be as optimistic as to say that it will never be like this again. Thanks again for all of the input so far, I really appreciate it!))


Chaos. The element of surprised had assured their control of the battle - their control had vanished. A river of blood ran in the cracks of the cobblestone street, mixed in with the hair, limbs and remains of mutilated carcasses. The sounds of magi shouting in harsh, alien tongues resounded throughout the hall. Ice poured down from the ceiling, striking soldiers on both sides. Two Warden magi were wrestling for dominance of a volcanoe that had erupted in the midst of the enemy - moving their arms in rigid motions and screaming, their voices filled with rage.

Aran breathed heavily and fell to one knee as two of his comrades passed him to take on the horde of defenders. A searing pain snapped across his entire back as if he had just endured a vicious lashing for getting into a brawl. He screamed out in pain and surged forward, joining his companions on the front lines.

They were slowly being pushed back towards the door of the keep, and they all felt the magical whips of the magi lash out more frequently as the battle wore on. Aran felt something pulling at him to his left. A strong wind began to blow, causing the soldiers' tunics to flap about wildly. The man immediately to his right yelped in pain as a rock flew up from the floor and smashed into his temple, causing him to fall over as blood seeped out of the wound. Aran turned and suddenly the reason for the wind became clear - there were three miniature tornadoes swirling through the already broken lines.

The horn of retreat was sounded; the back lines and magi of the Wardens began to fall back quickly, sprinting down the hill towards the boats. Four of the magi stopped and turned, screaming in their language. The front lines were steadily backing out. There were only a savage few holding off the tide, feet away from the the outside. Aran stepped back, anxious to feel the cobblestone underneath his feet - a scream of fear and anguish escaped his lips.

He did not feel the road. The doors were closed. They had been left behind.

*((Edit--- This is not the version I had meant to put up. If anyone is viewing this right now and is wanting to review, then I would greatly appreciate it if you gave me a few seconds to put up the correct revision.))
**((Edit--- Sorry about that, to anyone who may have been viewing this.))

Hi there HomelessPorcupine! I apologize that it took me so long to get to this revised version of the prologue--nevertheless, I am here, and I'm glad to see you working more on this. You did a great job making that first paragraph sound more chaotic and your last few lines are much stronger than they were before--great job with that. The prologue is really starting to flow quite nicely.

One thing I would like to suggest, though, is trying not to throw around so many 'emotion' words. There are places where you used very extreme adjectives, but we really don't get any reaction from the character in response to the extreme actions or any real feeling for what you are talking about. For instance:

The sounds of magi shouting in harsh, alien tongues resounded throughout the hall.

Harsh, alien tongues. This is an interesting pairing, but I don't have a very good feel for what this sounds like. You give me the adjectives for it, but not much else, and I have a hard time imagining this sound, making this description less useful than it could be.

. Aran stepped back, anxious to feel the cobblestone underneath his feet - a scream of fear and anguish escaped his lips

A scream of fear and anguish? It sounds melodramatic, mostly because we don't have a good feel for Aran or the grounding and detail to back it up.

I think this is linked to the other problem I had with this prologue, which is the lack of character development. You tell us a lot of what Aran does, but I really don't have a very good feeling of who Aran is, what he's feeling aside from the fact that he is screaming a lot. Try writing this so that the events in the prologue really affect your main character. What is Aran thinking though all of this? Is his heart pounding? Do the harsh, alien voices terrify him? The setting will come to life and be clearer and your character will be more engaging if you really fuse character and setting together, letting them depend upon and react to each other. My main suggestion for this is really going through and letting your setting and character work together to create this scene. Right now it seems action-heavy and character-dry, so it's not drawing me in as much as it can. Work on that, and this will improve immensely.

So, in summary, watch out for those baseless emotion words, and remember that character and setting work best when they work together. They need not be separate entities to describe. I hope that helps! Nice job here and keep writing! If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!