Schizophrenia pt.2 :D

Schizophrenia part two! *pumps fist in air* I will try to write all of what I have, but I highly doubt I will. *evil laugh* (HahaHeheHahaHo) Well, get ready, sit tight, and enjoy the show.
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She hugged him, pressing her bloody, moist, ripped chest into his face. Rayne was drowning in blood. He opened his eyes wide with fear and screamed. The girl held him closer, squeezed him tighter until his heart could barely beat. He screamed again and his mom burst through the door.
" Rayne," she yelled," What's wrong?!" His mom, Carrie, couldn't see her, of course, couldn't see the blood on his face, or the source of the blood clinging to his body.
" Nothing," he said trying not to squeal," had a bad dream." Carrie nodded and left the room. She never asked many questions, never needed much info.
As soon as the door closed Rayne busied himself with trying to remove the girl from his bed. Her grip didn't loosen and he wondered how she could hold on so tightly without any fingers.
" Help me." He gave up, let her hold him for a while. Minutes passed and, finally, he mumbled the two words that would free him, the two words he hated.
" I will." With a smile, the girl got up and pointed out his window, down the street, towards the slaughter house, right on the edge of town. She walked over and placed the blood dripping, wet stub of her wrist on the direct middle of his forehead and, instantly, he knew everything.
The crazy man, her sneaking in, the knife, the screaming, and the blood, oh, so much blood. Blood on everything.
" So much blood," he muttered, a bit pissed. The girl looked down, embarrassed, and hit her stubs behind her back.
" I'm sorry," her voice was no longer filled with pain, she was joyful. She had a high pitched, dreamy voice, but it sounded far away and faded, like all ghost voices did," Brother." Rayne looked up. He wasn't her real brother, but her brother was the last person that she saw, he abandoned her in her time of need.
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I grabbed a towel and took a shower, which was extremely awkward because she was watching me, and smiling. The blood ran off her body and down the drain. When clean she was just a normal looking girl, well, with one eyes,no fingers, deep cuts all over her body, and that disgusting smell, but, other than that, she was perfectly normal.
We climbed down the vine ladder, on the outside of my window, into my charger. She started bleeding again and got blood all over my seat.
The cemetery was dark and the smell of death stirred with the wind, I had to tie a scarf around my nose to keep from releasing the contents of my stomach. There were many souls walking around, gladly, none of them needed my help. The girl pulled me around the cemetery until we reached a gate in the very back.
" Through here," she whispered," Come, brother, the slaughter house is this way." I grabbed her wrist and she phased us through the gate.
The slaughter house stood high, the moon cast a shadow that made the building look even more scary. She phased us through the door; there was a man cutting meat in the corner, but, as long as I held her hand, I was invisible to other humans.
We walked past the man, down the hall, through a door,and out another before we met her body. It lay there, on the ground, the blood still wet and running, the smell even stronger, so strong the scarf wasn't enough. I released my dinner right on the ground, which only made me sicker.
She knelt down beside her body and a tear fell down her cheek.
" Me," she whispered," It's me brother." I knelt down beside her and put my hand on the still body's chest.
"Ashes, dust. and broken bones, it was fun, but your time is gone. Stopping hearts and ending dreams, you are here, but you must leave."
When I was finished the girl smiled and faded away. Now, here I stand, alone, unprotected, and completely visible. I looked into the crowd of trees and hoped the man didn't find me here. I don't want to end up like that poor little girl.
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Climbing up the vine ladder was harder than climbing down. I lost my footing on one of the rungs and almost face planted. I jumped in through my window and tip-toed quietly to my bathroom. Blood stained my clothing, but even though I was the only one who could see and smell it, it still bothered me greatly.
The hot water from the shower seemed to wash away all my troubles, and all the ghost blood. The only thing I have to worry about now is when I'm getting my next visit. I stepped out the shower and put on some boxers. When entering my room my vision blurred and i had to cling to the wall for support.
" No not this soon!" I was pulled into a dark ally. " No!" The air was thick and smelled of death-
" No! Please let me out," I pleaded," Not this soon! Please, no!"
There was a dark figure in the back, female or male, this I could not tell, not yet. There was a sickening dripping sound. I already knew it was not water that fell, this very knowledge had me gripping my stomach. There was a gentle breeze and I stumbled backwards as the smell fought its way into my nose.
" Oh goddess, Nyx, help me."
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#FF0000 ">There is still, about, three pages left in my notebook, college ruled, but I can only type so much. I want there to be a pert three. I will release part three of this and part two of "A rose by any other name" tomorrow. #FF8000 ">Being active on this thing is a problem I have. *shudders*I need serious help Well, bye-bye now!

(Gah, the elephants! Oh, how they mock me with their fancy footfalls. *sigh* Will I ever find peace?)

Hello; I read part one but didn't comment on it just yet.
Part two is good, though at first I was a little lost. We went to the sight of the girl's brutal murder, there were some words spoken (magic spell?) and she disappeared.
Maybe I'm just super-slow, but it took me a while to understand what happened.
And although it's not totally important; is this a magic-world or a supernatural-world? And where does this guy get off knowing incantations? Does he have a book? Is it just innate knowledge? Is he blessed by angels, cursed by demons?
I'm untruiged, but I'd like just a little more information.
Also, can you cry if you have no eyeballs?
And those are my thoughts; I can't wait for part three.

He dosen't have a book.

Spoiler

he finds a book in the mirror

The girl has one eye, she cries out of that one. The smell he says puts the girls soul at rest, when he saw his first ghost something told him what to do, like a voice. He was, well, not cursed, but not blessed. His gift is a curse and a blessing. Get it? Its like a supernatral-magic world.
It'll all be cleared up on the next posting, hopefully.

(These elephants, they amuse me. Dance, my purple friends, dance!)

HI!!
Well, I ventured into reading this one without reading the other one, but well, I think I get it.
I want ot tell you that the story ahd holes all over it. I'm not saying is bad, because it is good and i liked it. I just think there should be some things cleared out.
Then I also think you rushed a little. There were grammatical errors that I think are easy to fix.

His mom, Carrie, couldn't see her, of course, couldn't see the blood on his face, or the source of the blood clinging to his body.

I think that you should place a semicolon after of course instead of a comma.

he said trying not to squeal

And here you should place a comma before trying

Carrie nodded and left the room.

Just hat, even whne she was his mom? I think you should at least add that she hesitated or had some kind of expression in her face.

As soon as the door closed Rayne busied himself with trying to remove the girl from his bed.

Ok, so here you should place a comma between Rayne and closed.

He gave up, let her hold him for a while

don't rush into the emotions, add some more description. He couldn't have given up so easily. alos the tnese in let should be letting.

two words he hated.

First of all, why did he hate them? He must have had a reason for that?

With a smile, the girl got up and pointed out his window, down the street, towards the slaughter house, right on the edge of town.

Try to avoid this sentences, they're too long and look like a shopping list. Try putting stronger puctuation into them or try rephrasing them, like: With a smile, the girl got up and pointed out his window towards a slaughter house down the street.

She walked over and placed the blood dripping, wet

Either take out blood dripping or wet. In my opinion it should be wet.

hit

Hid or hit?

The blood ran off her body and down the drain.

Wait, she was taking a shower with him? As far as I know, she was watching him not taking a shower with him.

When clean she was just a normal looking girl, well, with one eyes,no fingers, deep cuts all over her body,

First of all, you need a comma between clean and she. Then I think there whould be a stronger pause between well and girl. Now the description was rushed and it gave us hints only. One thing that was pretty awesome is that it really creeped me out.

We climbed down the vine ladder, on the outside of my window, into my charger. She started bleeding again and got blood all over my seat.
The cemetery was dark and the smell of death stirred with the wind,

A bit rushed and let me tell you saying that the cemetery was dark is not that good of a description. Try to write more about it, add some more description, imagery something besides that the cemetery was dark. Try asking what did he feel, what did he hear? The sounds,something that makes us see the cemetery. Maybe you see it clearly in yur head, but is not that clear in here.

The slaughter house stood high, the moon cast a shadow that made the building look even more scary.

Yepp it was scary, but why was it scary?

We walked past the man, down the hall, through a door,and out another before we met her body.

As I said before, try to avoid this kind of sentences.
Is like if i said: I bought a bike, I bought a jar, I bought milk.

Overall
It was good it has tons of potential. You gotta work on the grammar though and how you phrase your sentences. I'm guessing this is a scary story right? Well, you have to put more description into it, more intrigue so we can jumps out of our sit. Because right now, you're only giving us hints of horror.
I liked it very much, please tell me when you are posting the next one.

Hope I dind' sound rude or harsh.

XOXO
Pudin

hi...! i hope my comment is not a repetition of the former

He opened his eyes wide with fear and screamed.

comma between, "wide with fear"

He screamed again and his mom burst through the door.

try using a different word than scream

His mom, Carrie, couldn't see her, of course, couldn't see the blood on his face, or the source of the blood clinging to his body.

try separate in two sentences

She walked over and placed the blood dripping, wet stub of her wrist on the direct middle of his forehead and, instantly, he knew everything.

try separating it to sentences because you put too many ands which sounds awkward.

faded, like all ghost voices did," Brother."

i don't know why but it sounds awkward

person that she saw, he abandoned her in her time of need.

instead of comma try using a period

made the building look even more scary.

scarier than more scary

She phased us through

try using a different word than "phased"

DESCRIPTION

In general, I like how you set the tone on this piece. Its amazing on how you describe that gives the reader an edge. But you can do more. You must describe a little bit more.
For example, when describing the slaughter house, you describe the moon and how tall it was. That’s good but how about the façade of the building?? Why is it a slaughter house? Can you describe how the windows look like or the doors or how about the walls?? Does the building smell weird??
This can also be done to the butcher and the body of the girl. You can describe the condition of the body of the girl and the butcher. If the butcher was the one who did it, can you describe the looks of the butcher so that the reader can have some “outlook” to the reader. And this can also be done to enlighten the mood.


PLOT

I like the plot. Its very heart warming and it engaged the reader to the characters. As well, it solves more the understanding of the girl. However at the end when the girl’s spirit faded, it seemed lacking especially when another host appeared. It felt lacking specifically the part during her fading away.
The plot at that part felt lacking and almost quick paced for me. Try to slow down the plot and elaborate that part because it seemed that the reader cannot hold grip to what is actually happening. Unless this is a draft…which it is;.