Dear Juliet...

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*I'm apologize in advance for having two active stories out at once* We are reading Romeo and Juliet in English class. I got really pissed at the original version, because Romeo and Juliet are both very stupid. :evil:
Tell me what you think! :D Enjoy! :smt005
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The lights in the ballroom illuminated everything in sight, not one shadow escaped their rays. The music played softly and everyone swayed across the ball room. Colors of green, blue, cream, white, and, many others blurred my vision as the evening gowns, and the evening suits spun back and forth. Still, I, Juliet, sit here, alone. My gown unmoving and with no prince of any sort to fill the void between myself and the beautiful, marble dance floor.
I rolled my long black hair to the side and glared at the guest. My piercing grey eyes tried to plow through their soul, but, sadly, failed. Could one of them spare me a dance? No, their ignorance is strong. They do not feel my sorrow, no, not at all. They just stride across the floor, as graceful as the most coordinated gazelle. No one stumbles, no stepping on other's feet. All I want is to be part of that. Can the princess enjoy herself? I think not, for here I sit, unmoving still.
My gown pleading to flow like a fall breeze, my feet tingling inside my flats. Oh! Please, I beg of thee, someone, free me! Lead me across the floor. Someone show me-
A hand fell down upon my shoulder interrupting my thoughts. I looked up slowly, very cautiously to what hovered above me. I drew in a breath There, standing before me, was the most desirable of all the jewels. With his honey brown hair that framed his face in delinquent curls, deep mahogany brown eyes like melted chocolate. The kind of eyes you wanted to get lost in, and get lost in them, I did.
" Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?" His voice was smooth and as sweet as candy, it made me shudder, sending ripples of pleasure down the length of my gown.
Such a beautiful creature, but I shall not be tricked by such selfish courtesy. This be the prince from the other kingdom. I'd rather be alone than dance with such a beautiful nightmare.
I stood up and flattened the creases in my gown.
" No," I whispered,"no you shall not."
I turned my back and started towards the exit that stood guarded by two knights. Only the strength of pure will power kept me from turning around and leaping into-
Well now, his name I am sure I know, but somehow, it escapes me. Come on Juliet, your brain had not bid you a due. Ro-
" Please fair lady," a hand gently grasped my arm," Spare me one dance,"
I jerked my hand away and folded my arms over my chest.
" What is your name, sir?"
The prince bowed before me, covering his heart with his fist.
" Forgive me, for I have been rude," he stood up," I am Romeo, prince of-"
" Yes, I know, know. Romeo, prince of Thalspar. Do you know who I am, dear Romeo?"
" Forgive me; I do not."
I nodded once, twice and then, three times. I didn't expect him to remember. We've met many summers ago, at the initiation, it was also many summers ago that we were sworn enemies.
" You don't remember that day then, do you Romeo?"
" Excuse me, but I have the faintest clue of what you speak of."
I walked back to the bench and sat down, he followed.
" It was many summers ago that we first met, at the royal initiation."
Romeo's eyes got big as he stared at me in disbelief. Memories of the initiation rushed back to him.
" So you must be-"
" Juliet."
" Princess of-"
" Carnia. I suppose you remember now."
He nodded.
" Good. So then, you must recall why I can't spare you a dance."
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Well, that's all for now, my fingers are cramping and I still must put up part 2 of my other story, Schizophrenia.Bye-bye now! Please comment
:elephant: :elephant: :elephant: (Oh No! The purple, people eater elephants are back!)
Last edited by LovelessSummer on Sat Oct 03, 2009 5:33 pm, edited 4 times in total.
LoVeLeSs I review short stories and novels.

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Really good start
I know what you mean, R and J were both stupid and melodramatic and wimpy
I'm interested to see your take on this legendary story
More please?

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THEY'RE BACK AGAIN :o




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Wow! I really liked this! I haven't read Romeo and Juliet although we are going to this year but in a couple months but I have heard of it and I think your right on some things, but not all.

I think this is off to a fantastic start and I can't wait to see more!

Keep up the awesome work my friend!

-Irish :elephant: <-- he doesn't eat people, hes my bffl :smt026
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Hey Loveless! Stella here!

I know, for the one true genius, Shakespeare did write some awfully annoying characters. I think he knew that though. You're not actually supposed to like Romeo, I don't think, he's just wimpy. Mercutio's the cool one.

But anyway...

I. NITPICKS

The music played audibly


Well, otherwise, it wouldn't be playing at all.

Colors of green, blue, cream, white, and, yes, many others blurred my vision as the evening gowns,


The yes just annoys me.

My gown, unmoving and with no prince of any sort to fill the void between myself and the beautiful, marble dance floor.


Why the comma here at the beginning?


as graceful as the most coordinated gazette.


...gazelle, maybe?

no stepping on others feet.


other's.

My gown pleading to flow like a fall breeze, my feet tingling under my flats.


Why do you start a new paragraph here? Also, surely they're in the shoes, not under them.

" Shall I compare thee to a summer's day," his voice was smooth


...day." His voice was smooth...

" Good. So then, you must recall why I can't spare your a dance."


You.

Okay...

II. TENSE

You switch back and forth here a bit. Decide whether you want to do it in present or past, and keep it in that tense, don't jump around. And be sure to proofread to check you haven't. Proofreading won't take long, and it'll get rid of that type of mistake that just makes things look sloppy :)...

III. ROMEO AND JULIET

So, firstly, what I want to know is who is hosting this ball? If it's in the royal palace, and Juliet can recognise him, surely so can others. In the original, she doesn't recognise him, and that's what's important. They don't know who the other is until afterwards.

Also, this is supposed to be one of the greatest love stories ever told. And it all happens very quickly. Whatever, I don't particularly believe in love at first sight, but you can try and make me believe in it. Right now, their first meeting is a bit myeh-ish. There's no electricity, and on the other hand, she's not even worried that an enemy is at the ball...

Try and inject a little more creativity, at the moment, it's a little flat.

IV. OVERALL

This isn't bad, it could use some work though. Try and liven up your characters, and whatever's going to happen to them...

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella.
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010




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Thank you all for commenting, part two is now up. I made the corrections and I hope that makes the story better. I am also working on the characters, and I am still very confused on 19th (or whatever) century lingo. I should stick to modern day, I will remember that later. Well, that's all, off to post Schizophrenia part three. Bye-bye now! :smt005

... (In the absence of the elephants, I find myself alone. Come back to me elephants! Come back!)
LoVeLeSs I review short stories and novels.

Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.




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"Such a beautiful creature, but I shall not be tricked by such selfish courtesy. This be the prince from the other kingdom. I'd rather be alone than dance with such a beautiful nightmare."~ My favorite quote!

'Ello, I'm Skip,
I absolutely loved your story. The last few lines totally left me thinking... AHH!
I need you to post more! haha
Definantly PM me when you put more, ohkay?
~Skip.
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Hi! My name is Diane, but I prefer to spell it Dianne. Yeah, well, anyways, I cam to review your story!
Which is, by the way, amazing! I’ve never read Romeo and Juliet before but I have to in my class this year and some people were talking about how lame they were and all this other nonsense. I think I’ll prefer reading your version than the real one, it sounds interesting the way they talk. I though Juliet’s character is very well portrayed, she seems like an ideal person who is a princess yet at the same time a teenage girl. It’s cute how she finished his sentences when he realizes who she is. Well, I like it. I think I’m going to read the second part of this now.
Dianne
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