Lemongrass

There’s a lemon pie cooling
on the window sill,
it’s something I remember
in a hazy half light.
My mother is lying down,
feet against the headboard,
and I wonder why she doesn’t fit.
Even the smell of lemons and grass
can’t cover the slow decay
of memories under her bed.

Hi Penguin,

I really like this, Your imagery is vivid and interesting and I love how "cooling" and "decay" work together. I love;
"and I wonder why she doesn’t fit."

My only criticism is on;
" the smell of lemons and grass"

I love how you connect the two but I'd mention grass earlier on so it doesn't feel like it comes out of nowhere.

Hope this helps.

Jas

Okay, first a few nitpicks. The fourth "Stanza" (there are no breaks, so they are also like sentences) has four lines while the rest remain with three. Secondly, the grass, like Hart mentioned, seems a tad random at the moment. I was also pretty confused with the ending. If the mother is dead, and shoved under the bed where she doesn't fit properly, I applaud you for doing something new. It really makes you wonder what happened to her. Then, the other thing is that there is something hidden under the bed, which also makes you wonder. I liked this poem. I thought it was good. I do, however, think that it should be longer. Talk about what is under the bed a little more.

Excellent. This poem has great imagery, flows decently, and is not cliched. Good for you

The one thing I am confused about is the grass (EDIT: which people have mentioned obviously). Otherwise good work.

Eek, penguin poem! *attacks*

The main thing is that the two ideas don't really connect well yet. The transition doesn't seem to be there between the pie and her memories because you haven't invoked any memories from cooling lemon pie from us. We're just not sure.

Hope that helps!

I like the imagery. Very good, a subtle hint of sadness mixed with the good memories. A lot of people have already mentioned the grass, so I won't. Oh wait, I just did. Whoops. Anyways, it's very short and concise, but contains meaning. Very good poem.

Wow. I totally loved it, every single word!
Usually, I prefer poetry with rhyme, but this one proves that it can have a great flow without rhyme.

Someone has mentioned that they would like to know more about the memories - I have to disagree, though. If you ask me, the amount of info is just perfect: Enough to inspire the reader's mind with different assumptions, not enough to suppress his imagination. In this poem, you gently point a finger in the direction of the feeling you want to transmit, but you leave the reader to choose a path alone, he/she has to bring in something of him/herself. That's great, if you ask me.
I would even go a step further and say that in the line

My mother is lying down

you could replace "my mother" by "she", leaving the poem a little more hazy. But that's a personal opinion.

Anyway: I'm far from being an expert on poetry, but I really really adored this. Keep writing.

It was very good. I just have one concern. I didn't think it fit together very well. Work on trying to get the poem to all fit into one. Thanks!

This was really original. I didn't understand it all but i guess that's what makes poetry so great. Keep writing

infinite reality wrote:This was really original. I didn't understand it all but i guess that's what makes poetry so great. Keep writing

Exactly. That is why poetry is so hard to critique. If it is cliche it sucks, but if it is original it is hard to understand.

Yeah i agree with the above. It envokes a lot of images but does not directly explain the and thats what i think is really interesting about this poem. Well done

I liked the style, short and sweet, to the point. But it confused me. I know as the author you're going to blow me off because I said that(because I just did it on one of my own comments=]), but hear me out. You went from the pie cooling in the windowsill, to your mother laying in bed, to something decaying UNDER the bed. If you were to add one or two lines between each "topic" (and I use the word loosely, not in a bad way) to connect them, it would be more entertaining and easier to connect to for the reader.
Just a few suggestions, but well done. =]
~Lukan

good, but a little more like you've just written sentences and then cut it up to make a poem... I'd work on the flow a bit more, but othrewise I like it! It's a good concept

nice topic, it was a short poem but it was nice good work

Short, simple, yet full of depth. The imagery was striking. Keep up the good work!