Behind The Looking Glass: The Awakening (Chapter 1)

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Every story has a different beginning. A beginning that ties all the characters together and weaves out the story. This is the beginning to a story of unresolved issues and hidden feelings that has lurked from time to time as well as two individual that find themselves in the middle of an ancient feud and discovering their true feeling.

Jake's POV:

“Jake! Wake up already! It’s your first day of school! I’m not going to let you slack around all day in the house!”
Ugh… I hated this time of the year. I hated going to the place where my mum and dad first met. Everyone who saw them thought that they were the most perfect couple but only the people that were close to them knew what really was going on with them. And after my dad left my mum, my life was a living hell. I think I would have enjoyed being in hell rather than this. I hated everything about that place. Especially the attention. I didn’t want to go so I tried to push my luck and in result, lie to my mum and said, “Mum? I don’t feel so good. Maybe I ate something off last night. I don’t think I’m in good enough health to go for school today.”

She never believed me in anything I said. Mostly because most of the stuff I said to her wasn’t true so she said, “Jake Santiago! Don’t lie! You better come down here yourself before I get up there and drag you down if I have to!”

I sighed and quickly scrambled out of bed. I could still hear my mum rambling on and on about my behavior and how much I hated this day. I ignored her words and grabbed the jeans and shirt that I wore yesterday night. I didn;t care how I looked to people, Heck, if it made people ignore me or avoid me more, I wouldn't care dressing up as a clown! I went downstairs to the kitchen and quickly ate my breakfast, passing my mum without even glancing at her.
"What am I to you, Jake Santiago? A slave that does all the house work for you? Can't you even say good morning to your own mother?"
I ignored her. I didn't want to talk to her. I never wanted to see her ever since I saw her on that faithful day when I was still 5 years old. I remember that day very clearly. I just came back from school. I was looking for my mum since she would usually serve me a hot glass of milk when I got back but there wasn't any today. I looked all around the house when I quietly peeped into her room. I saw her making out with another man. I couldn't see his face but I knew he wasn't my father. I quickly ran to my room after what I saw. After that incident, I could never trust my mum any more. She didn't have a place in my heart to me. I just finished my breakfast, slung my backpack onto my shoulders, and walked to school. I liked walking to school. It calmed my nerves down and gave me time to think about all the things that went around in my life. I looked at my school's entrance and took some deep breaths before I stepped through the entrance.

April's POV:

First day of school... Never my favourite day but it was always the day I could start fresh with others. THe only thing I hated about this day was the headache I would always get. Well, you would get a headache to if you could read the minds of everyone in the whole school and not be able to block out what everyone was saying. I couldn't concentrate on finding my class and my head began throbbing like mad and before I knew it, I was almost heading head first to a wall. It was until I felt an unexpected pair of hands that grabbed me before the damage could happen. I turned to see a guy around my age. He looked cute and there was something about him that looked familiar to me but I didn't know what it was.
"You ok?" he asked me. "You were almost crashing straight into that wall."
He sounded concern. Not like to not hurt my feelings. But really concerened. I never felt like this before. I just nodded my head to him, said thanks and went to my class. It was a few minutes that I realised I couldn't hear any thoughts when he touched me.




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Hey! I see you're a new member! Why don't you pop on down to the welcome boards and introduce yourself? I'm Kitty by the way.

Just to let you know though, here at YWS we have a 2:1 ratio rule, (I think it might have changed to 3:1) which means that for every one piece you post on the site, we would like you to review two (or three) other pieces first. This is just so that everyone's work gets reviews and it will also make your work more likely to get reviewed.

But I'll review this for you anyways, just try to review some writing/art etc. as soon as possible!

Ok, so let's get on with this review! (Beware that I do tend to nit-pick a bit!)

I really like how this is going, but I have a few nit-picks/grammar problems to talk about.

First, here's a paragraph that you should read over again.

Ugh… I hated this time of the year. I hated going to the place where my mum and dad first met. Everyone who saw them thought that they were the most perfect couple but only the people that were close to them knew what really was going on with them. And after my dad left my mum, my life was a living hell. I think I would have enjoyed being in hell rather than this. I hated everything about that place. Especially the attention. I didn’t want to go so I tried to push my luck and in result, lie to my mum and said, “Mum? I don’t feel so good. Maybe I ate something off last night. I don’t think I’m in good enough health to go for school today.”


This paragraph doesn't have very good structure. It's a bit choppy and repetitive, and it can be even separated into two or more paragraphs. I bolded some places that you could separate into new paragraphs.

Also, most of these sentences, as I said before, are very choppy. To get the piece to flow a bit better, maybe try to use a few commas and make a few less sentences. For example, look at the italicized sentence(s). The last two can be combined into one by changing that period into a comma. Go through and do this to the sentences you think would work better this way.

Also, there are some sentences that have some grammar trouble. I'll put them all in quotes and bold the trouble spots.

Everyone who saw them thought that they were the most perfect couple but only the people that were close to them knew what really was going on with them.


You can put a comma between the two bolded words.

I didn’t want to go so I tried to push my luck and in result, lie to my mum and said,


This whole sentence could use a bit of rewording, especially the bolded word. That would work better as something like 'lied' because the sentence is in past tense, but the word is in present, so you need to keep in one tense.

I didn;t care how I looked to people, Heck, if it made people ignore me or avoid me more, I wouldn't care dressing up as a clown!


I think you meant to have an apostrophe, not a semi-colon. Also, is this separated into two sentences? If it's the beginning of a sentence, capitalize 'Heck', but if there's just a comma before it, and it's not a name, or place, don't capitalize.

I ignored her. I didn't want to talk to her. I never wanted to see her ever since I saw her on that faithful day when I was still 5 years old. I remember that day very clearly. I just came back from school. I was looking for my mum since she would usually serve me a hot glass of milk when I got back but there wasn't any today. I looked all around the house when I quietly peeped into her room. I saw her making out with another man. I couldn't see his face but I knew he wasn't my father. I quickly ran to my room after what I saw. After that incident, I could never trust my mum any more. She didn't have a place in my heart to me. I just finished my breakfast, slung my backpack onto my shoulders, and walked to school. I liked walking to school. It calmed my nerves down and gave me time to think about all the things that went around in my life. I looked at my school's entrance and took some deep breaths before I stepped through the entrance.


This whole paragraph is a bit of a disaster.
Bold: Grammar
Italicized: Can be new paragraph.

Also, throughout the story, I've noticed that you use a lot of the same sentence starters over and over again. This makes it way less interesting. Try to start sentences with different words instead of always using 'I this. I that.'. This will help the story a lot.

Almost done!

THe only thing I hated about this day was the headache I would always get.


Un-capitalize 'H'. Also, is it the only thing she hates about this particular day? What do you mean? Try changing 'this' to make it a bit clearer.

I couldn't concentrate on finding my class and my head began throbbing like mad and before I knew it, I was almost heading head first to a wall.


This is a confusing sentence. Try rewording it.

It was until I felt an unexpected pair of hands that grabbed me before the damage could happen.


The beginning of this sentence doesn't fit with the rest of it. Also, you could maybe even start a new paragraph with this sentence.

He sounded concern. Not like to not hurt my feelings. But really concerened.


*concerned
**This can be merged into one sentence to make it flow better.
***concerned

All in all, it's a really good first chapter. I can't wait to read more! See ya later, and feel free to PM me with any question/concerns/anything you need. Bye bye! *Gives gold star for awesomeness!* :elephant:

~Kitty
~ Patricia Tina :smt006

Don't look in the spoiler.

Spoiler
I lost the game.

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~ Dr. John Watson




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This was cool, can't wait to see what happens next, totally wonders why April couldn't hear his thoughts when he had caught her, makes me think.."Ooo! What kinda characters will these two turn out to be?"
I found a typo you spelled "Favorite" Favourite, but that's ok, we all mess up. Other then that this was really good, I kinda felt sorry though for Jake, about his parents, parents splitting up is never cool. Great work, good job!
The heart wants, the body needs, and the mind suffers. - me




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Welcome to the wonderful world of YWS, new person. Head over to the Welcome forum - found by hovering over the Community tab and clicking "Welcome Area" - to get the full version of the rules, but there's one pretty important one you need to remember, and that's to keep your review:work ratio at 3:1. That means 3 reviews for every 1 work posted, or else you won't be able to post anything new. Just thought I'd let you know, for future reference.

First thing I noticed about this is that it's set on the first day of school. Now, I don't have any major problems with this, because from a writer's POV it's a useful setting that allows for new relationships and so on, but for a reader it can feel dull and overdone. You should be trying to make your story unique, and succumbing to this first cliché won't help you out when readers pick up your novel and think about reading it.

Okay, moving on to general grammatical nitpicks and comments.

I hated going to the place where my mum and dad first met. Everyone who saw them thought that they were the most perfect couple but only the people that were close to them knew what really was going on with them. And after my dad left my mum, my life was a living hell. I think I would have enjoyed being in hell rather than this. I hated everything about that place.


I know Kitty (thechocolatewritingcat) quoted this paragraph as well, but I think I'll just reiterate her points. First things first, the content. It's repetitive for an opening paragraph, and it feels like Jake is just dumping on us as readers. We don't want to hear all about his life story in one quick paragraph, either. It's a nice idea, going back to the school his parents met at, but I don't think you should waste it so quickly in a few short sentences.

Your general grammar is awkward, though I won't really nitpick it, because often it's just that you've used the wrong words, you've left out commas, or you have something unnecessary added. Kitty picked up on the main stuff, anyway.

I never wanted to see her ever since I saw her on that faithful day


The phrase is "fateful day", but it's a laughable one, so don't use it.

Again, I feel like you've let Jake pour out all his life's woes in a few hundred words. You have some really interesting conflicts here, so don't waste them all so quickly! A lot of this could be built into the narrative later and not given away. Hint at it, by all means; that'll help to keep the reader interested. Maybe Jake walks past his mother's bedroom and can't look? Make a point of mentioning that and you'll have the reader thinking, "Why can't he look? Is there a reason?"

Moving on to April's POV, which seems shorter than it should be here. I'd try to keep both openings at around equal length rather than one long and one short, because that way the reader has time to get to know both characters instead of one particularly well and the other not so well. You don't want the reader picking favourites - well, not to the extent that they don't want to sit through the other character's POV. It's a hard thing to pull off; I think an example of how NOT to do it is Paolini's Eldest, which switches between three POVs, one of which is tolerable and two of which are dire. Just make sure that you use each POV properly, i.e. by furthering the plot, or with characterisation, but not by just repeating things or leaving your other character elsewhere. It's most interesting to read when one character is reacting to the other.

Well, you would get a headache to if you could read the minds of everyone in the whole school and not be able to block out what everyone was saying. I couldn't concentrate on finding my class and my head began throbbing like mad and before I knew it, I was almost heading head first to a wall.


Okay, I adore this kind of thing - superpowers and so on - but you've thrown it at us a bit quickly, as before. I think all of this could do with some expansion and character development before you throw the telepathy at us. Remember that the power always comes after everything else, like characterisation.

"You were almost crashing straight into that wall."


The repetition made me laugh a little. She's just confirmed that she is indeed crashing into this wall, and yet this guy - Jake, I assume - appears to find it necessary to say it again. At least mess around with the wording so it doesn't sound like you're just repeating it for no reason at all.

It was a few minutes that I realised I couldn't hear any thoughts when he touched me.


No! Twilight! I haven't read it, but I'm aware that this is a key part of Bella and Edward's relationship, his not being able to read her mind. And it was going so well! I'd experiment with a few different things here. Maybe he negates her power completely, so she can't hear any thoughts? Maybe his being around her will weaken her power, but when she goes away, it's stronger than ever? There are loads of ways to play around with powers, especially a versatile one like telepathy. Don't restrict yourself.

And, you didn't spell "favorite" wrong, I'm aware. The English is "favourite", Addawen, but Americans drop the "u".

That's about it. It's one of my first reviews that hasn't been grammar-orientated, but I hope it helped somewhat. One sentence summary: watch for clichés, slow it down and work on your grammar. All in all, it isn't too bad, though. Keep it up.




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Arr, I be blackpencil an' I be 'ere to review yer work, landlubber!
So anyway, I like how you didn't infodump the character's appearances. A lot of people to that right to the very exact inch of how tall they are. But you didn't. Good for you. But your story isn't perfect. The chapter seems a bit short and rushed. With the POV bit, we now know too much about Jake and not enough about April. It should be equal. And I love how you decribed Jake's mom. I want to hate her, too. All in all, good job and I hope to read the next piece!
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sounds like its going to be a great story. it flows very well and readers like that. they like action and emotion and anything that makes them itch to know what will happen next. remember to keep the reader hooked from the first page. also, don't have too many "dead spots" the reader will get board and put the book down. looks like you don't have a problem with that though.




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Well hello there! Welcome to the site!

So I would like to say that I really like this story! His mom is pretty easy to hate!

I saw a couple things though:

He sounded concern. Not like to not hurt my feelings.


Do you mean "concerned"?

It was a few minutes that I realised I couldn't hear any thoughts when he touched me.


That sounds a little weird to me. I'd change it to something like "It was a few minutes before I realized..." or something like that. Just a suggestion! :wink:

Thats all the stuff I really noticed. Also, and this is just a thought it could just be me, but when you change POV's I would make it instead of "Jake's POV" and "April's POV"
I would just say "Jake:" and "April:" or the like. But again, could just be me!

Again, great job and welcome to the site!! I can't wait to see more!

Keep up the great work!

-Irish :elephant:
I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant. - Robert McCloskey

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Student: Wait, legally?

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well. thanks. it's my first time actually trying to write something for people to see and read. I hope it's not too bad. I'll promise to write when i'm not busy studying...




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And about how i spell some words, i'm really sorry but I'm from malaysia so it's kinda different here. And i'm not following Twilight cause there is something about Jake that I won't be revealing very soon...




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Yo, its IR. Nice story. I love the first person view because you can really see into the characters head. Its also a great idea to have both of the people point of views. Your originality will be essential. Keep Writing!!!
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I am wordering wha is going to happen next, you left me with that.
All i have to say is you have serious gramatical errors, and im too lazy to pick them all out!
I think you can get more in-depth with the characters, too. It seems as though you were trying to rush through this section so you could get to the fun part! I do that too, everyone probably has, but when you go back to edit this, I would like to know
1) what Jake and his mother look like
2) what April looks like
3) more of that mystery boys appearence. I really just cant picture anything right now. Good luck, try to PM me with more on this story.
~Skip.
Not many people care about me. I am not worried, because I know I can look foward to that one persone who does.

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Truth is... I kinda put the discription on the later chapters.... I can't really write anything now since i need 3 reviews but I'll try to change it when i can.



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