Jack-in-the-book (2)

9 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4125
Reviews 194
Minutes passed, and every once in a while there again came that crinkling, spine-tingling sound as page after page turned. Once I thought I heard a voice mumbling along to words I couldn’t quite catch, and another time there was a shh-shh like someone’s shoes grazing along the dirty blue carpet. But both sounds faded away slowly until I couldn’t hear them at all, and I was about to tell Jaden that all this silly page-turning we were hearing was just a book left in the way of a fan (again leaving out important facts like how there were no fans here in winter, and how no matter the technology of a fan, it simply can’t put on shoes and walk around a library mumbling things), when someone spoke.

“Too scared to come and find me?” it crowed, seeming to echo from every shadow—and trust me, there were way too many.

Jaden trembled, turning to wrap his arms around me, bury his face in my shoulder. I looked around desperately for any sign of a man, or a kid, or anyone, but there was nothing. Nothing but me and Jay and a load of a haunted library to keep us company.

“Well,” said the same, grating voice, “I can hardly blame you; I am terribly frightening, you know.” And just as I was going to scream, maybe only to fill the nasty, cold silence, the lights flicked on. It wasn’t so much the turning on that freaked me out as the way they all came on together, no flickering or weird buzzing sounds.

And then, as if all this other scary crap wasn’t enough, there he was.

A dark, dark man, from head to well-dressed toe. He had papery pale skin and short, inky black hair that somehow still managed to be pathetically stringy. I wouldn’t have been surprised if he turned and was just one flat picture scribbled on a huge piece of paper. Maybe to be even freakier – if that was possible – or maybe for dramatic effect, he opened his mouth, wide as wide could possibly be, and snapped his sharp white teeth together.

I’mma tell you right now the only thing going through my head was why I had to be stuck in a library with my little brother and not someone more deserving, like that mean girl in my math class. Unless she’d already killed her little brother with those creepy red nail-polished hands of hers, which to me didn’t seem unlikely.

He interrupted my self-pitying thoughts by sighing angrily and throwing, I mean throwing himself to the floor. Somehow it didn’t seem to bother him much, but he did bonk his head on one of those bookshelves that looked as if a kingdom of mice had done everything to deface it, chewing, scratching, the works. “This was s’posed to be interesting,” he whined, and I wasn’t sure if he was kidding or not. “You were s’posed to be scared.”

“Jaden,” I whispered, “Jaden, when I say lollipop, you get up and you run to the desk in the back, ‘kay? Call 9-1-1.”

Jaden looked up at me, eyes still misty from crying, shaking like a leaf in a maelstrom. “I don’t want to, Kat. I’m scared,” he said, and I realized I couldn’t. Couldn’t fall apart, couldn’t let someone else take charge—this was me, or no one. And I knew what no one meant the moment I looked back to the papery freak across the way.

It meant we were gonna die in here.

“Jaden, Mom’ll be here soon, and if she finds out you didn’t listen to me, there won’t be any—ice cream—forever,” I hissed. This kid could bug the hell out of me sometimes, but that didn’t mean I wanted to watch him get cut into little bite-sized pieces by Mr. Strawberries and Creep-Os over there. Or—I winced—worse.

His eyes widened, his adorable blue eyes, and he whispered back, “For-forever?”

I nodded solemnly, and it seemed to get to him then, the gravity of the situation. “When I say lollipops, remember.”

“What’re you two whispering about over there?” the paper-man said in an obnoxiously singsong voice, and the icky grin on his face got bigger when we both started.

Plucking up every bit of courage I had, and some I didn’t, I said, “You sound like a donkey.” It was a horribly simple thing to say, and all the worse because I’d no idea if he’d get mad, or if he’d laugh, or make a funny face and disappear.

“I know, I know. It might be because my father was a dragon. ‘M not sure, though,” he said, so matter-of-factly I was thrown off for a second. Fortunately the question had distracted him from being suspicious. Small blessings. Not that they counted for much in here.

“A—a dragon?”

Jaden shifted in my lap, shivering with that nervous fear that came whenever you were about to do something crazy in front of a grade-A madman. Which wasn’t often, but if you’ve ever been in such a place as we were, you might get it. The fluorescent lights buzzed ominously, as if they were threatening to shut off, and the papery man nodded.

“Yeahhhh,” he said, yawning. The conversation had begun to bore him, clearly, and if I didn’t throw lollipop out there sometime soon, he’d probably pull a knife from his weird black pants like in those horror movies and turn my face into a bloody jack-o-lantern.

Oh, ew. Didn’t need that mental image.

“So this granddragon-er, father, granddragonfather thingie, did he like lollipops?” The papery man looked at me strangely, like he was just starting to suspect I was as insane as he was, and before I could start crying or anyone could turn into anything they didn’t want to be, Jaden jumped out of my arms and dashed across the room, sneakers making an awful shnook, shnook across the ugly blue carpet.

The paper-man didn’t move. Didn’t blink. He looked vaguely in my direction, hiccupped, and then leaned back against the bookcase. “Meh,” he said.

-

Once again, no italics. Speaking of no, I'll pass on the nitpicks, if you people don't mind. Any comments or suggestions would be niiiice.
Well, I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.

--Algernon, The Importance of Being Earnest




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 2238
Reviews 10
'Ello 'ello,

I do oh so like this piece !!! And I know you said no nitpicks but I just have to comment ! I love your dialogue and writing style but it could do with some neatening. Aside from that (cause I love really good flowing dialogue) it really had me interested, especially your man with the father for a dragon.

Cannot wait to read more.
"I wish I had a man-eating vine for a houseplant,"

"If I heard ticking coming from somewhere I'd put my head close to the source of the sound too,"




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 8009
Reviews 93
I'm just not feeling the emotion in this chapter. The main character keeps going on and on about how afraid she is the man is going to whip out a knife and kill her, and I just can't understand why she's so scared. If he was twirling a knife, or was acting menacing, I could understand her fear, but the guy doesn't seem that scary to me. A little psycho maybe, but not at all frightening. And if your main character is so afraid, why does she just stand there talking to him? Most people would run, or do something heroic, like tip over a bookshelf on to him.

The concept was pretty interesting, but this chapter seemed much weaker than the first, mostly because of the lack of the emotion and the fact that I can't really connect with your main character. Other than that, I really liked it. :)
“Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass.” Anton Chekhov




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 14789
Reviews 483
Sela --

To be a writer / pen's a miter / and crozier for the crowds / who look for light / 'mongst prose's bite, / and find it, stout and round.

More directly, and in the vein of prose, you have a storyteller's voice! Prok is brilliant for the picking. ^_^ I want to tell you your writing is a joy, not rather, but very much so. I can fall into its story, whether I love it absolutely or no, because it has the threads and words, and sense, of something real.

Oy, I'll be more specific when my mind is more or less better in its frame. And less anxiety-ridden still.



IMP
ex umbris et imaginibus in veritatem

"There is adventure in simply being among those we love, and among the things we love -- and beauty, too."
-Lloyd Alexander




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1639
Reviews 150
'Can't believe it took me a cough and a half to review this.

Ah, that guy is one funny little bugger. I definitely liked his description, and his dialogue was thoroughly entertaining. The only thing I noticed in his respect was that he was a bit more shadowy then I would like. He was so strange that he was nothing. Look at it, and see if you can see that.

And I like Kat and Jaden. When Kat realizes that she has to stay calm because of Jaden, I could relate about forty-thousand times in about nineteen conflicting directions.

Really, there isn't anything wrong with what you have, you just have to add a little bit more sticky emotion. I think I know how and why you missed it, but that's irrelevant. Is she sweating? or is her ability to reason intelligently slipping away without even a wave goodbye? I would like to know.

I love your writing, and I want more. Sela, my darling, I love you more than life itself.

LONG LIVE ROBIN HOOD
"Men invent new ideals because they dare not attempt old ideals. They look forward with enthusiasm, because they are afraid to look back."




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1616
Reviews 194
I cannot say much concerning the manner of the plot as this is very short and as I have not read the first chapter, so I will keep my comments to the basics of writing, flow, and such. First, from what I observed in this short section, the story seems a bit childish, sort of like a fairytale. This is great if it is indeed what you are aiming for...I just thought I would point that out. This, however, leads to some problems. First, Kat's emotions seem a bit fake and disconnected from the reader and even the character herself. I did not really feel sorry for her at all or anything, I only felt curious about the strange man. Second, this "fairytalish" sort of character is broken up by (seemingly to me) random bursts of anger from Kat.

And I knew what no one meant the moment I looked back to the papery freak across the way.

It meant we were gonna die in here.


This is one example, assuming this is supposed to be in the fairytale sort of style that it seems to be. No one dies in fairytales, and though I'm all for unconventional writing and all, this seems out of place with the situation. Kat and Jaden are not in THAT dangerous of a situation...The emotion just does not seem to fit. I'd think she would be more shocked than afraid, though certain there would be some fear involved.

On the good side, however, despite a few easily editable fallacies, your overall style (which is probably one of the most important attributes of a writer) is perfect for this piece. Your slang, stream-of-conscious flow runs through this piece beautifully, lending to the fairytale feel that surrounds it. Continue with this, do your editing, and this could become a very good story!




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 1618
Reviews 155
Hey Seal --


Gonna do this one too, if you don't mind; realized I had missed it.

*

it crowed, seeming to echo from every shadow—and trust me, there were way too many.


Good.

*

“Jaden,” I whispered, “Jaden, when I say lollipop, you get up and you run to the desk in the back, ‘kay? Call 9-1-1.”


I pictured her speaking really fast and I laughed when the lollipop just dropped into the sentence. Nice.

*

Oh, ew. Didn’t need that mental image.


No. Cut this out. It sounds like YOU, the writer, talking to yourself.

*

So, not much happens in this part. Mainly an escalation of emotions, which is perfectly fine.

Speaking of which, I disagree with the previous reviewers who say that the kids are overreacting. Being alone in the library, in the dark, with a weird guy, would definitely shake my nerves, and I'm older than your main character. Granted, I'm a coward, but I think most people would at least be a little creeped out. Darkness and isolation both have a powerful effect on the mind.

Off to the next part.

Prokaryote




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1490
Reviews 9
Hahahaha sti;; awesomely funny yet scary I would so piss myself if I saw a man like that!
An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, 'So far so good!'




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 37408
Reviews 182
Yeah, I know you heard this before by a previous poster, though he said it differently. The being so frightened that you can't move thing is one of the most overdone cliches ever. But, it can be very hard to avoid that, so I guess most people will let it slide. But her lack of any real emotion is noticeable.

-On to reading the third part... :D
"Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”
-John 11:25-26



But what about second breakfast?
— Peregrin Took