He Is My Wind (Part 1.)

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My story fit into three subjects. I opted for none of the three. It has one more part. The story will not make much sense until part two is finished. It is a short story for my Creative Writing class. If you do not want to write a full response, i would appreciate at least a "i liked it" or "I hated it. Thanks.


He Is My Wind

“Good bye my family. I will return home soon.” It was the truth. I would only be gone a few suns, at most.

My family. Father, his name was most important. He was the only Chief ever to be named after the strongest beast, and our enemies, the bear.

My mother. Her hands were as soft as the blanket I slept on. I wish when I slept, my head could have been on her hands. Chepi. A fairy, which she truly was. My mother was named in a different way than I would be. Catori just told her the name.
Abequa, my sister, whose name means to stay at home. She was always in our hut. She would make others come to her, often too scared to venture out into the world she thought was dangerous.

Then there was Hania, my true friend. He has been on his quest, for you go when you are sixteen. He was born before me. The night before I left, I made him walk with me.

“Hania, tell me the story.” He looked at me and shut his eyes.

“Kaya, it is forbidden.” I smiled at him. After disagreeing with himself, he told me. “It was a year ago, when I went on my quest.” His eyes shifted around to make sure no one was listening. “I traveled far. I was gone ten days, do you remember?” Yes. How could I forget? “I could no longer find food. All the beasts vanished.” He closed his eyes, then looked up, as if searching for something. He took a deep breath. “They show tonight.”

I nodded. They were the lights in the sky. Some nights they showed, some they didn’t.

“I do not see the big one, though. The one your sister is named for.”

He shook his head. “It leaves us when the cold comes.”

“Will you finish?” I asked.

“I was tired. I sat on the ground and just looked around me. I needed a sign. I wanted to just lie down and sleep.” He looked at me and brushed a piece of my long black hair behind my head. “I wanted to come back. I wanted to see my people. Especially you.”

“I wish I was with you.” I trailed off, not certain I should have spoken.

“Finally, I heard it.”

“You heard it?” I squeaked, interrupting him. “I don’t know anyone else who heard it.”

“I heard it. It whispered in my ear. Do you know what is said?” My head
shook. “It said, ‘I pass through your head, you heart, your soul. I know everything about you. I carry what you say. I know what you want.’”

“What did you want?” He was such a good story teller.

“’I am the wind.’ It said. When I returned, I told Catori, and she told me: Hania.”

“I like your story. Your name is beautiful.” I looked down. “I hope I will like mine.”

“Why are you doing this?” He asked after much thinking.

“I have to.” It was difficult to explain without tearing. My eyes were already moist from the conversation.

He sensed my coldness. “I’m sorry. I know you have been upset lately. You haven’t been smiling a lot…” I nodded and led back to the tribe. I had nothing more to say to him.

I was scared. Many didn’t come back. Many came back with names that meant evil, white man or killers. I would be the first woman in the tribe to go. It would be hard for me all on my own.


“I will miss you Kaya!” My sister screamed as I walked away.

It was going to be a long trip. I had corn in my bag and water in my jug, for that was all I needed.

Heading to my favorite spot in the valley would take a while, but would be worth it. I dreamt of the forest before I left; it was my first calling. In my dream, I left my tribe. But, I was not alone. Hania was with me, and it made the journey so much better. He was the one person I always smiled around. I loved him.

I walked watching my moccasins. It was easier than staring at the blinding sun that was setting before me. Night would not be fun.

I hit the edge of the forest when the first sun set. My mind was racing with one face, Hania’s. “I wish you were here.” I whispered to the dirt below me. The way I treated him the night before was not tolerable in my tribe. If anyone else was around, I would be punished; possibly physically. That is why I need this to work. I need to receive my name and become one of the men.

The light had vanished when the dark appeared. I made a sleeping area at the edge of the forest. I ate a piece of bread, and didn’t bother looking for food or making a fire. It was all too late to start that.

I lied down, resting my head on my arm. I looked up at the barely visible lights in the sky. When I thought of Hania, I hoped he was looking up there and thinking of me, too.

* * *
“Kaya.”

Yes?

“I love you.”

You do?

“Of course.”

I miss you.
Not many people care about me. I am not worried, because I know I can look foward to that one persone who does.

Dreams are illustrations... from the book your soul is writing about you. ~Marsha Norman




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Hello thar,

Just so as you know grammar is not my forte so I wont comment on that, someone else can do it xD.

So, there were a few sentences I thought were perhaps a bit off. I think you'd probably fix those when you edit the story as a whole however. Some things just read weirdly to me:

My mother was named in a different way than I would be. Catori just told her the name.


(I think this is gramatical.)

I walked watching my moccasins. It was easier than staring at the blinding sun that was setting before me. Night would not be fun.


(I dont think that full stop should be there between moccasins and it) I just think this could be worded better.

Also some of the dialogue kept confusing me (once again something I'm sure would be fixed when you edit):

“Kaya, it is forbidden.” I smiled at him. After disagreeing with himself, he told me. “It was a year ... "


Something about the: "I smiled at him. After disagreeing with himself, he told me..." maybe this has something to do with the grammar (?), just something seems a little off.

Once again its just self editing, though I'm sure someone else could highlight more ways to improve.

Ok, other then that I really did enjoy this. Is it a historical piece though ? Or is it going to be a fiction ? I liked Kaya's relationship with Hania, just work on the dialogue to make things a little clearer. Well either way you got my attention with this and Im curious as to what she is doing off on her own (or should it be clearer that it's part of a naming ceremony type thing?).

Keep at it !! I look forward to reading more.
"I wish I had a man-eating vine for a houseplant,"

"If I heard ticking coming from somewhere I'd put my head close to the source of the sound too,"




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most of the gramatical errors in this piece were on purpose. I am writing in the perspective of Kaya, and she is a Native American in the late 1700's. I dont think they had perfect WORD grammar back then... haha
Thank you very much for you feedback, the second part will be comming soon! look out!
~Skip
Not many people care about me. I am not worried, because I know I can look foward to that one persone who does.

Dreams are illustrations... from the book your soul is writing about you. ~Marsha Norman




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Hi, Miss Summer Night, at your service.
Wow this was amazing! I really like it. I'm just a bit confused on the quest, journey, thing. Can you explain it a bit more to me. Plus, can you please message me when you put more out, I really want to read more. :elephant: :elephant: :mrgreen:
LoVeLeSs I review short stories and novels.

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