Unsung Hero

I wrote this poem 2 years back. It is one of the best poems I had written then. I was 11 when I wrote it…
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I see a businessman, his wealth invincible and almighty
His company has a profit of many millions every week
He is the pride of the society

And now I see a poor sweeper
Earns hardly enough to eat two meals a day
Day by day the circles around his eyes grow a little deeper
The people are ashamed of him
They even refuse to walk his way

All the businessman’s activities are shown on TV or printed in the newspaper
If he is in their town, the people get so hyper

The sweeper works day and night
No one knows him
For every bit of attention he has to fight
His light of life is always dim

Cheating and lying are the modems of the businessman to grow his wealth everyday
He is greedy, selfish and a cheat,
As we all can say

The sweeper is truthful,
Does his work with honesty
“God lies in hard work” is his policy

But we still think the businessman is superior to the sweeper
Rich is superior to the poor
But,
Pride is not as great as humility
Cheating is not as great as honesty

We can live without the company’s electronics
But will fall ill if there is no cleanliness

But still all the businessmen will remain the best
And the serving jobs will never be preferred
The businessman will remain the hero
And the sweeper ... the Unsung Hero
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if you like my poem, please give a review and help me make it better!

"If he is in their town, the people get so much hyper" I think this needs revising. Maybe "...the people get so hyper"
"As we can say" This isn't really an error. I just think that it could be made into a more fitting amount of syllables. Maybe "As we all can say".

"The sweeper is truthful,
Does his work with honesty
“God lies in hard work” is his policy" This is my favourite stanza.
I really liked this. It is obviously freeverse, but that cannot really be changed. I don't see any problem with freeverse poems. This story makes you feel sorry for the sweeper and makes you dislike the businessman. Great work with this poem!

I like the irony.

I'm not sure you should have this bit capitalized though.

….. the UNSUNG HERO

It might look better if you ease into it with three ellipsis points ... and finish with the inevitable.

But still all the businessmen will remain the best
And the serving jobs will never be preferred
The businessman will remain the hero
And the sweeper...the unsung hero.

Don't forget to use some punctuation. It makes your piece run smoothly for the reader.

Good job. =)

Hey!

I like it. It's ironic, and it woke me up from homework, so, great job on that part!

I do agree with In silico. You need to add some punctuation in to help smooth out the rough edges. Yes, there are commas, but the periods need some love too!

All the businessman’s activities are shown on TV or printed in the newspaper
If he is in their town, the people get so hyper

I don't know what to think of this line. Personally, I think the "hyper" completely disrupts the poem, but I guess it really is up to you.

And the sweeper, ….. the UNSUNG HERO

I think you should take out the comma. It would flow nicely. Oh, and please do not capitalize that bit about the Unsung Hero.

Overall, I liked this. It does need a little work, but it has a ton of potential. Keep it up!

zOe