THe Finial Battle

The Finial Battle



We are,
The defender of dark.
Keeping it at bay,
Fighting till the end.
A temporary defeat,
And a retreat.
Midnight rises once again,
And the enemy cheers in silence.
They unleash their shadows across the lands,
And we cower into sleep and weariness.
But as the trumpets sound,
And the drums are heard.
The attack is on,
And the battle won.
The dawn has arrived,
And when the sun is highest,
And the light everywhere,
We party and cheer of our victor.
But here they come,
We fight again.
The dusk has won once more,
And we must retreat for the last time,
We hope.

Great work. Try not to use retreat so much though. Great work, though.

Hey!

Nice work, t!

Nit-picks

We are,
The defender of dark.

No comma after "are". Defenders' is plural.

Keeping it at bay,
Fighting till the end.

I'm not sure I really got this line. Well, yes, I did get it, but I think you could have reworded it a bit differently. Oh, and till has only one "L".

A temporary defeat,
And a retreat.

This sounded... odd. Personally, I would take out the "and". Or, if you want to keep that in, take out the comma. You don't need that there.

They unleash their shadows across the lands,
And we cower into sleep and weariness.

Cower doesn't sound right. I really think you should switch out that word with another because cower just sounds weird.

But as the trumpets sound,
And the drums are heard.

Please take out that period.

The dawn has arrived,
And when the sun is highest,
And the light everywhere,
We party and cheer of our victor.

Hrm. I would change this. I actually would say:

The dawn has arrived,
And when the sun is highest,
And light everywhere,
We cheer of our victory.

This makes a bit more sense, and it flows better.

But here they come,
We fight again.

Take out the "but".

And we must retreat for the last time,
We hope.

This didn't create the ending I hoped it would. You have a great poem, and then your ending just fell flat. I suggest rewriting it.

Overall

I like it. It's a good poem, but it doesn't need a little work.

Keep writing!

zOe

EDIT: Oh, and you spelled "Final" wrong in your title. Just thought I'd point that out.