The Runaway

Please feel free to comment and review on my short story...God i love this website!


Lewis Parker sat on the curb of a street. He was only six and he was a runaway. He was sobbing quietly into his hands, each tear weighing him down on the curb of the street.
“I miss you Mama, and I miss Daddy too,” he said. Lewis held his teddy bear close to his chest so that it could hear his broken heart.
“I wanna come home,” Lewis said shoving his snot covered face into his knees. Lewis’s teddy bear was crumpled up in a twisted shaped in the crook between his legs and belly.
“I’m sorry that I drew on my walls. I was having fun,” Lewis said looking up. Suddenly the infamous angel and devil appeared on his shoulders. They whispered in his ear.
“No you’re not. You’re just saying that to come back inside. You need to runaway and think things through,” the devil said, flicking his red tail.
“But I miss home,” Lewis said. He was beginning to weep again. The angel then butted in.
“Oh Honey, he doesn’t mean that. He’s just being a snot head,” Lewis flashed a honeydew smile as the angel handed him a tissue.
“Lewis, you’re going to have to wash your walls buy yourself when you get back,” the devil said. The angel leaned over and slapped him. Lewis giggled.
“Honey, I’ll help you when you come back home,” the angel said, straightening her halo. It now rested as a head band in her hair. Her wings were flapping in the wind as they turned into a white shawl wrapped around her neck. Lewis’s mother stood up, holding Lewis’s hand.
“Let’s go inside its getting cold,” as the two turned around to walk up the driveway of the house, the devil stopped them.
“Son,” he said. His tail turned into a red tie that he still held in his hands. And his horns turned into his glasses that perched on top of his bald head. “Son, I’m sorry if I was hard on you. You just need to learn,” Lewis’s father said, smiling sheepishly. Lewis walked over to him placing a hand on his father’s elbow since he couldn’t reach his shoulder, and looked up at him and said,
“No you’re not. You’re just saying that to come back inside. You need to runaway and think things through,”

Good story, I liked the first sentence, it set the scene and made me interested. It is a little confusing at the end, does the devil pretend to be the little boys father? and why is this so succsessfull in changing the boys mind? And who says the last line? it's a little unclear. Also you might want to think more about the characters of your angel and the devil, the angel using the phrase snot head? It seems unlikely for an angel to use that kind of language which is ok, just at the moment it's unclear what sort of character the angel has, is she a stereotypical holy angel? Or something like the oracale from the matrix (don't ask me why the angel reminded me of her.) Anyway it was a good start, a little bit weird but that's good, keeps it interesting.

Hey, Jet here. You're pretty new, right? Don't think I've seen you around much, so welcome to YWS, even though you've been here a while. I figure I'll give you a review then, since this is pretty short. A general review, with a few points.

Show, don't tell. You'll hear that mantra so many times on this site that you'll never forget it after a few weeks. It means you need to stop telling the reader everything that's going on in simple sentences, like these ones:

Lewis Parker sat on the curb of a street. He was only six and he was a runaway.

These are very simplistic and therefore not very interesting to read. Showing, on the other hand, is about letting the information gradually unfold with description and dialogue. We don't want to be told what's going on; we want to live it, and see it through your writing.

So what does this boy look like, sitting on the curb of the street? You don't necessarily need to fully describe him, but odd bits of imagery would be appreciated. Equally, we don't necessarily need to be told he's run away, because, well, it's in the title, and you hint at it later on.

Concept. The angel and devil thing; I've seen it done in cartoons, and I've acted it out in Drama. I think you need to elaborate, as Pacu said, on what kind of angel this is and what kind of devil. They also need to be more convincing. The ending is a bit confusing and I'm unsure, as Pacu is, as to who's talking. Clarity - in terms of your communication with the reader - is another point I want you to focus on.

Suddenly the infamous angel and devil appeared on his shoulders.

This seems almost random. Why are the angel and devil infamous? Is it because they're clichéd outside the story, or have they done something inside it? You need some sort of build-up to this so it isn't totally out of the blue, and if it is, describe it as it happens. So what, they just pop out of midair?

Having said all of this, I like what you're trying to say. You just need to make sure you're saying it as best you can. I did spot a few typos, so go through with a fine comb and have a go at spotting them. If you find you lose patience, just read it aloud. You can't miss them then.

Keep writing.

- Jet.

This is a enjoyable little story and a good read but there is a few little points i would like to bring up.
For one you didn't have to basically describe the entire story in the opening line. You could have had the reader learn this by showing them the transition of his thoughts and dialogue with the angel and devil. Also techinchally he is not really running away is he, he just thinks that he should be running away.
The angel and devil turning out to be his mother and father was interesting but you could have made it more obvious as it took me a second read to realise it. Him being young and having an over active imagination to see them as every kid would when they were younger was quite cute even if it was a little cliche.
The ending was a little confusing to be honest. Who said the final line? This seems sort of dreamlike. Was this his concious or his actual parents?
Basically look over it, read it aloud and edit it so it all flows together and makes sense.
Tidy read dude. Like the idea and hope you write more.