“I think she's coming around.” I heard someone whisper.
“Is she alright?” another one asked.
“She did hit her head pretty hard, I think the floor cracked.”
“She'll be fine, she's just being a baby.” that voice I knew, damn that Ashley.
“Vaene!” I knew that voice too, Mrs. Snark.
If I'm dead God, I prayed, please let me go to heaven, I don't think I could stand that woman down here, I might kill her.
Still keeping my eyes closed, I flexed every muscle from my toes to my ears, nothing was broken, that was a good sign.
My eyelashes fluttered, making everyone think I was coming around. I barely peaked through one eye, there was a blinding light. I groaned. “Oh God, I really am dead.” I heard my voice crack.
Someone laughed, probably Ashley.
“Alright Vaene, enough's enough.” Mrs. Snark grumbled, shaking me.
My eyes shot open, I screamed. No longer was there a blinding light but Mrs. Snark's ugly face looking over me.
“She'll live.” her man voice, sounded even manlier from down here.
I'll live, I thought. Not for long, thinking of all the harassment the kids will give me.
“Mom, I'm home!” I called shutting the front door, to our two-story house. Throwing my bag in the chair, I was still amazed that none of my muscles ached from the fall. I raised my arms above my head, nothing, not a twinge, a spasm, so strange.
After being so rudely woken up by my gym teacher, the school nurse asked me what hurt and I told her nothing. That surprised her, because from what everyone told her, I had hit my head pretty hard, there was a rumoring flying around already, that my hard head broke the floor, and that the principle was going to sue my mom.
Stupid kids, I thought shaking my head in disgust.
Not even my head hurt, nothing was spinning in circles, I didn't have a lump. I was as perplexed as the nurse was, she was actually worried that I might have a concussion so she sent me right home.
I shrugged my shoulders, nothing. I could have finished the day it didn't matter to me one way or another.
All this time I had traveled to and from the kitchen, my mother wasn't there, there were her herbs on the marble counter top, but that's where they are always at, because she's and herbalist, and better then most doctors in town.
“Mom?” I yelled, cupping my hand behind my ear I listened, nothing but the eerie silence.
“Maybe she left a note?” I said aloud, looking under the basil plant, where she always put notes. “No note.” I spoke slowly, testing the words on my tongue. This wasn't like my mom, she always left notes, what happened?!
She can't have left me alone, she wouldn't, she promised! My thoughts screamed, knowing that I wouldn't be able to survive if she left me like he left me, I would have no one, and I need someone, I am to backwards to let anyone know, but I can't stand to be without people.
Oh God! Please don't let me be all alone.
I started to panic. I ran from room to room, screaming for her, there wasn't ever an answer. I ran upstairs to her room, to my room, no one. As a last resort I ran to the study, she never went in there, I only did when I needed someplace quiet.
Opening the door I about collapsed, there she stood by the lit fireplace, a piece of paper in her hand.
“Momma!” I cried tears of joy, rushing to her side.
She jumped, and the paper flew from her hands into the fire, almost like she had done it intentionally. Before it was engulfed in the flames, I saw who had written it.
Sir Ronald Vaene.
My father.
The name caught me with a sucker punch, I heard myself hysterically crying now, from a mere glance at a name more then finding my mother.
Something finally registered and Nilmandra ran to my side, holding me close to her.
“What's wrong baby?” she cooed, stroking my head.
“I-I couldn't f-find you.” I sobbed, still seeing the name flash like a neon light in my mind.
“Oh Chessa, I'm sorry.” she said, placing a kiss on the top of my head. “I was looking for a book, and lost track of time.”
Lie.
I straightened, my ears perking up like a dogs. That was a lie, why would she lie?
“What did you do today, mom?” I asked, watching her closely.
“Oh nothing really, just sat around, I guess.” she smiled sheepishly, it didn't reach her eyes.
Lie.
“What was in the letter, mom?”
“Junk mail.”
Lie.
Why was she lying to me, I wondered. What was in that letter that took the spark out of my mom?
She lead us both out of the study, I caught her glance back at the fire, and for once in my mother's life, she looked old.
Did I really see what I think I saw? Or could it have been only my imagination? I wondered at these passing thoughts.
I was a little on the crazy side when I found her, I couldn't have thought I saw that name, it might have said Ronald Regan, and my subconscious just picked that name, like picking numbers out of a hat, it was pure chance, right?
But seeing that name written in pen on paper, brought back so many bad memories.
The reason this has never come up, wasn't because my f-father, I mentally choked on the word. It wasn't because he died, he just got up one morning and left.
Simple as that, but simplicity only went one way. Him leaving, almost killed my mother.
I don't remember it to well because I was only four, but from how the story goes.
My mother and fa-him, I couldn't get passed that word it hurt to much. Well they met somehow and it was romantic, so it was love at first sight. They got married when Nilmandra was twenty, secretly though, because his father didn't like my mom, she didn't have the right breeding in her, or something stupid that only a bitter old man would say.
They went against the old goats wishes and got married, loved each other with so much fiery passion that it could not be quenched, happily ever after happened when I came along two years later. So I guess his father found out what had been going on for the past six years of his son's life, and didn't like it because one morning his side of the bed was cold. There wasn't a note, a warning, Nada.
It about killed my mom, having him leave without any warning. It got so bad that I had to go and live with her mom and dad for a couple months, because she could barely take care of herself let alone a four year old.
Time went by and things eventually got better, the pained had lessened and she no longer cried in her sleep. But his name was never mentioned again, all pictures and love notes, anything and everything that had his name on it was burned. Just like that letter.
So seeing his name on that letter, because I was sure now that's what was written in fine calligraphy, made me wonder what was going to happen now.
Somehow from finding my mom to now, we had walked down to the kitchen and were now drinking coffee. I didn't remember walking down the steps, or even asking for a cup of coffee.
Out of no where, there was a knock on the front door, immediately I remembered promising Rini I'd go to the mall with her.
“Shoot!” I muttered looking down at my clothes, she wouldn't be happy that I hadn't changed, oh well. “Mom, I forgot that I promised I'd go to the mall with Rini tonight, I won't be out long ok?” I said, running around the table I kissed her cheek.
“Oh, ok, sweetie.” she droned, staring at her cup of coffee. Probably mulling over whatever was in that letter.
I sighed, I didn't want to leave her here, while she's like this. Maybe I could tell Rini we could go another night? I hoped, as I walked to the front door.
I opened the door and Rini pulled me outside. She looked scared, or nervous about something.
“Are you alright?” she asked, her red ringlets soggy from the weather. “I heard about the gym incident, I'm going to kill Ashley.” she went on, her little fists bunching together.
“Rini,” I said softly, standing on the porch. She heard the break in my voice, and was by my side in seconds.
“Chessa?” she asked.
I about broke down, a sobbing noise caught in my throat, her arms went around me. “What's wrong? Was it Ashley, did she say something?”
“No, it's my mom.” I looked behind me at the door, it was closed, but she had good ears.
Rini gasped, her arms tightened around me. “What's wrong with your mom?” she asked.
I told her everything that happened between leaving school and finding my mom with the letter from my father, to now. And she couldn't believe a word I was telling her, I could see it in her eyes, that she had so many questions.
“Are you sure, it was his name?” Rini asked, taking my hand she made me sit down on the porch swing.
I nodded. “Yea, I'm positive, it couldn't be any one else.”
Rini scratched her head, thinking. “We don't have to go to the mall.” she said, twisting a curl.
I laughed, I was on the verge of hysteria. “Rini, you are so good to me.” I wiped a tear away with the back of my hand. She smiled meekly at me, probably wondering when I was going to crack. “What should I do? Should I confront her?”
She twisted a thicker strand of hair, torn between what to say. “How long has it been, since he left.”
I leaned back on my hands, making myself think back to those years of despair. “Thirteen years.” I exhaled. “I was four, it was a Monday morning, he never left for work before kissing me goodbye. That morning he didn't come, I thought that maybe he was running late so he didn't get a chance to say goodbye, but then morning turned to afternoon, afternoon turned to evening, evening turned to midnight. He never came home, I remember asking Nilmandra where was my daddy,” my voice cracked at the name. Rini wrapped her arm around my shoulder and hugged me.
“No, let me finish.” I whispered, tears running my cheeks. “Just like today, she was clutching a note, a letter in her hand, crying. I asked again where was my d-daddy, she wouldn't tell me. I began screaming I remember, I had always been a daddy's girl, she wouldn't tell me, so I began hitting her, banging my little fists on her legs, crying “Where's my daddy!” finally she couldn't take it anymore and she pushed me down, I fell backwards curling myself in a little ball sobbing, I guess I finally fell asleep.
The next thing I knew I was at my Grandparents house, and grandma was holding me, they were whispering about my mommy and my daddy. I fell asleep, feeling numb, my daddy wasn't coming back, and I didn't understand.
As the years went on I fell into myself, I didn't want to talk to people, I didn't want to get to know people, because I was afraid they would leave me too.” I stopped, I didn't want to talk about something that happened in the past, I was more concerned about what was happening with my mom right now.
Rini was biting her lip when I finished, she had something to say but she didn't want to tell me what it was. “What is it Rini, I know you well enough, that whenever you bite your lip, you don't want to tell me something, vitally important.”
“Alright, alright.” she held her hands up in the air, pleading guilty to my assumption . “So you blame your father's leaving on you being bad with people and relationships, right?”
I jerked away from her. “Your damn right I do, if he hadn't of left for some stupid reason, I wouldn't be this damn backwards.” I growled.
“Chessa, is that why you have low self esteem?” she asked out of no where.
I looked at her bewildered. “Why do I have low self esteem?” I asked.
She sighed. “Because your dad left, is that why you don't think yourself beautiful, or intelligent, or worthy, is that why?”
My chin jutted out in anger, but my mouth didn't open, I didn't trust myself enough to answer, what was true.
Rini stood up, she pulled her jean jacket closer to her body. “Chessa, go talk to your mom, I think there's something more then your father leaving.” and with that she got in her car and left.
I was furious at her, but I was more furious because I didn't understand.
My lips quivered, and I felt another wave of tears brewing. “God dammit!” I swore standing up, I didn't like feeling this vulnerable to my feelings. They had been just fine yesterday, nice and tidy in their own little box, packed far away in the corners of my mind, but now they were open fresh for anyone to see.
I jumped up from the porch swing, ready to confront my mom and all this nonsense, but I guess I stood up to quickly because my head swirled, and my stomach grew queasy. I reached for the doorknob, dizzy now, my face slammed into the door.
“Ow!” I yelped, rubbing my nose. I drew my hand back finding a fresh flow of blood. “Great,” I muttered tilting my head back, I opened the front door.
I took a few steps inside and immediately tripped over something, I went to look down and didn't see anything but a few drops of blood on the floor, that was surprisingly coming closer and closer. I let out a little cry, trying to take a couple steps, but I couldn't feel my feet, I could only feel a tingling sensation as if my feet had gone numb. Quickly I held out my hands to catch myself from further damaging my face.
I must have done a forward-roll, because I was on my back looking up at the textured ceiling in the foyer. I went to sit up, but nothing happened I continued to look at the ceiling, I noticed it needed a new paint job, but that wasn't my main concern at this moment. Because the numb tingling feeling you get when you hand or foot fell asleep, was crawling up my entire body, I opened my mouth to scream, I didn't hear a thing.
Was this a after affect of my fall? Did my brain come unattached and it has taken this long to happen, that I am suddenly immobile.
I began to panic, especially when my vision started to get blurry, I tried to scream over and over again, to get my mom's attention, but I don't even think my mouth was opening. I heard a sobbing noise, I knew it was me, but I didn't feel the tears pouring down my face.
I don't want to die! I mentally cried. My God, my God, please. I begged.
I heard footsteps coming, my heart lightened. “Chessa?” my mom sounded far away, but then again my hearing could be going and she could be sitting right next to me.
More footsteps, and then there was a gasp.
She found me!
I saw her out of the corner of my eye, she was kneeling down by me, holding me.
“Oh Jesus!” she prayed, her tears falling on my numb cheeks. “Jesus, please, help me get through this, please.”
My breath came quicker and quicker, my eyes were dimming, my light, my meaning, my mother was dimming from my sight.
I don't want to die, I don't want to die! Was all I could think, was all I wanted.
Finally, my eyes could not see, my ears could not hear, my body could not feel.
I prepared to take one breath here, and the next standing before Him.
My heart beat grew faint, my veins quieted their maddening pumping.
I had said what was needed to be said, I was ready.
And then. . .
