Magius Trilogy - The Black Emerald - Chapter II

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Chapter II: New Horizons
Kirthin woke early the next morning refreshed and ready. He quickly washed, pulled on a simple brown tunic and went downstairs for a bite to eat before heading off to the Academy. His brother had already left. Kirthin departed merrily, a spring in his step, humming tunelessly. There were no words to describe how good he felt.
When Kirthin reached the enormous front gates, his is initial reaction was surprise. The size of the place was astounding. It was a veritable fortress. The walls were forty feet high, at least, and constructed from solid black granite. Intricate designs were inlaid all about with gold and silver. The gates themselves were made from what seemed like mahogany wood, polished perfectly till it seemed overlaid in a laminate of crystal. The doors were framed by silver brackets with gold etched into them. Kirthin admired the pristine condition of the gates. Not a sign of rot, scratches or weathering.
Other students were arriving now. Like Kirthin, they too were marvelling at the exterior of the Academy.
"Like a bloody castle, it is..." one said in awe.
Kirthin began to notice that most of the other students were arriving with friends or groups. Suddenly, horribly, the feverish delusion of possible exclusion began to set in. Kirthin looked around, trying not to seem panicky, and spotted another lone student who seemed as alone as himself. Kirthin quickly shuffled over.
"Hey," he said awkwardly. "Big place, ain't it?
"Yup," replied the other outsider gruffly. The stranger was about Kirthin's size, but thinner, with eyes like beryl set in delicate, perfect features topped by a shock of rusty orange hair. His nose was rather long and pointed. He wore a loose, flowing garment of a design Kirthin could just not place. The stranger shifted uncomfortably a little and his hood moved slightly, revealing slender, pointed ears.
"You're an elf!" Kirthin blurted out. The stranger started. Kirthin clapped a hand to his mouth, but luckily, no one noticed his clumsy outburst. Elf kind was generally not welcome in this region.
"Yes, well, what of it?" the elf hissed.
"I mean... well... why are you here?" Kirthin spluttered. The elf raised his eyebrows challengingly. "I mean, why aren't you schooling in Thyarwood?"
"Not that I have anything against elves or anything!" Kirthin said quickly. The stranger's expression did not change.
"...I'm not very good at this, am I?"
To Kirthin's surprise the stranger smiled.
"I suppose one could truthfully say you ask too many questions," he said.
"My name to humans is Ilthan. About my lineage, though, you are only half right."
"Half right?"
"Yes, you see, my mother was human, and my father was an elf. He was exiled from his clan, and that is why I, being his seed, cannot school in Thyarwood. I can hardly even speak Elvin."
"Oh. Sorry, I don't really understand elf customs."
"Neither do I, actually. I've never been to Thyarwood. I don't believe I know your name, by the way."
"Oh, sorry. It's Kirthin. Nothing interesting about me, really..."
Ilthan chuckled. "On the contrary, my friend. I see in you a heart of fire. That, to me, is something of interest."
"So it's true, then? Elves can see things humans can't?" Kirthin asked.
"That is somewhat true. You are asking the wrong person, however. I'm only half elf, remember? I only know what I can see," Ilthan answered.
"And what is it you can see?"
"I can only see an aura of power that magic gives off. Your aura stands out among the rest. Everyone's aura is wild, untamed, and unfocused, but only because none of us have been trained properly yet. Their auras, however, are faint and flickering while yours is strong, like a steadily burning flame."
A sharp voice interrupted their conversation.
"All students! All new students, your attention please!"
A tall, angular old woman in black and gray robes was standing at the front of the gates. Kirthin started. He hadn't seen anyone come through the gates. In fact, he hadn't seen the gate open at all.
"All new students," she said again. "Please, may I have your attention!"
All faces were now turned toward the woman.
"Thank you. Welcome to the Royal Academy of Magical Instruction," the woman said, bowing. "I am Master Sonokara, the deputy headmistress to the academy. We apologize that Tenkit, the headmaster, could not be here to greet you in person. He has... become ill. He has told me, however to show you around. We are confident that there are some promising students among you."
Master Sonokara said the last bit with a smile, and Kirthin could swear she glanced slightly in his and Ilthan's direction. Sonokara then turned and waved her hand in front of the gate, her mouth moving as though she were speaking. There was a clunk, as if a massive lock was moving out of place, and the beautiful wooden gates swung open slowly.
Some people gasped. A giant stone obelisk stood in the middle of a courtyard. The courtyard held no signs of life, save the students, who were now being ushered inside by Master Sonokara. There was no grass, trees, flowers or even birds in it. The whole thing was made from solid stone, quite ordinary in comparison to the incredible walls that protected it except that it was covered in many runes, etched into the surface. The obelisk in the middle was massive, taller than the granite walls by far. Kirthin wondered why he couldn't see it towering above them when he was on the outside. The obelisk, like the courtyard, was covered in strange runes.
Master Sonokara walked up to the obelisk and held up a small gold symbol that hung around her neck on a silver chain.
"Sonokara. Ilth thie no rukia mah rontess," she said. A low hum began to pulse from the obelisk. Then, suddenly, the runes etched into everything glowed brilliantly blue. The hum grew louder. Kirthin could feel the ground shaking. A whining noise began to build up in his head. He covered his ears and shut his eyes against the bright blue light. The whining noise escalated until he was close to shouting out, then it stopped. Kirthin opened his eyes.
"By Esgardin..." Ilthan whispered.
They had arrived at the Academy.
If you're learning from your mistakes, you shouldn't be making the same ones again.




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Well, hi there! I've come to review your piece of writing! Beware though, I'm a bit of a nit-picker! But now, let's get on with the review...

This story has a lot of potential, but it seems like you're trying a bit too hard to describe every single detail. Don't get me wrong, describing the surroundings is important, but maybe just try to split it up a bit instead of taking a bunch of time to describe everything.

For example, take a look at this paragraph:

When Kirthin reached the enormous front gates, his is initial reaction was surprise. The size of the place was astounding. It was a veritable fortress. The walls were forty feet high, at least, and constructed from solid black granite. Intricate designs were inlaid all about with gold and silver. The gates themselves were made from what seemed like mahogany wood, polished perfectly till it seemed overlaid in a laminate of crystal. The doors were framed by silver brackets with gold etched into them. Kirthin admired the pristine condition of the gates. Not a sign of rot, scratches or weathering.


This isn't really that interesting. Though the description is absolutely amazing, do you think that a teenager would talk like that? When is this set? Throughout the story, the descriptions make it seem like it's set a long time ago, but a lot of the dialogue makes it seem like it's set in modern times.

Also, you seem to like new paragraphs. Some of these paragraphs can be merged into one because they don't have to be a new paragraph. Remember: Always start a new paragraph when the person talking changes, or when time has passed or they're changing settings.

So far, this is a good piece. Maybe just revise it a little bit and it'll be awesome! I can't wait to read more!

Ps. I love the names! They're very creative!

Good job, and PM me if you need more reviews!

~ Kitty/Trish
~ Patricia Tina :smt006

Don't look in the spoiler.

Spoiler
I lost the game.

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~ Dr. John Watson



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