Grandfather

Hello everyone, well this is my first post and definitely not my last! Well I am try to make this book a suspense/horror. This is only the prologue first. So tell me what you think. And please be honest.

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I don't understand. Why would he do this? How could he do this? Me and my grandfather always had a close relationship. When I was little he took me to the park and then afterwards we would go for ice cream. Nothing was ever out of the ordinary, until now. I layed there under the old rusty bed. The room was dark and damp. Spider webs covered the corners of the walls. I also noticed a old brown trunk at the end of the room. I started crawling towards the trunk when I heard my grandfather come into the room. I saw him open the old trunk and grab out a long coil of rope. He then walked out and I heard him go threw the front screen door.

After he left, I climbed out from under the bed and ran towards the door. Just as I was about open the screen door I saw him. And he had a young girl thrown over his shoulders. She wore what looked like a blue nightgown. I noticed she had blood running down her legs and she was tied up with rope.
She looked around my age. She had long black hair and a tattoo on the side of her neck. A star. I stared at him as horror filled my eyes.

I done what every other normal person would do. I ran. When I took off my grandfather threw the girl on the ground and tried to run after me. But, I guess his old age caught up to him because he stopped shortly after about 200 feet. It would be a good bit until I would reach someones house and call for help. My grandfather lived out in the middle of the woods. He loved his privacy and now I know why. His house was surrounded by Pine and Maple trees. And the closest neighbor would be about 2 miles. And when I would reach the neighbors I would call the Police.

Hey hi and welcome to Young Writer's Society!

Why could he do this?

I guess this sentence makes sense, but it sounds a little funny. Plus, combined with the next sentence, it looks almost like you are repeating the same sentence twice. Perhaps "would" instead of "could"? It's your call though. Repetition can be quite powerful for effect.

I laid there under the bed while watching my grandfather drag in a young girl through the doorway that looked around my age.

First, you seem to have switched tenses on us. It first seemed like it was in present tense, but now it's in past tense. Pick one and be careful to stick to it, otherwise the reader gets very confused.

Past: Peter ran down the hallway. His lungs burned, but he forced himself to barrel down the hallway.

Present: Peter runs down the hallway. His lungs burn, but he forces himself to barrel down the hallway.

Both could be done, but not at the same time. You need to pick one.

Second, "lay" would be a better wordchoice than "laid" in that particular instance.

Third, this is a very long sentence and the way you have "that looked around my age" tacked on at the end there makes it sound like your narrator is talking about the doorway. I was very confused for a second...

A way to make it a bit clearer would be to pare it down and break it up a little.
ex. I lay there under the bed, while watching my grandfather drag in a young girl through the doorway. She looked around my age.

I then heard my grandfather through the girl on what I thought might be the kitchen table with incredible force.

Through = throw?

Okay, here's where I got a little confused as to where this is taking place. You mentioned the girl being dragged in the door while your narrator is hiding under the bed. But you don't mention them going into any other room and people don't usually keep kitchen tables in their bedrooms.

This sentence is phrased rather awkwardly. The narrator's thought in there sort of muddles things up. Is it or isn't it? Go ahead and pick one and use it for instant clarity. Also, if it is the kitchen table, you might want to mention the girl being dragged into the kitchen...

But then I saw another man.

That "but" isn't necessary there. "But" is a conjunction used in the context of "something, but something else." It implies there is something different about what follows it in contrast to what happened before. Here, nothing happens in contrast to what happened earlier. It just sort of continues. The "but" isn't necessary.

Even though I was under the bed in the guest room, I couldn't see what was going on.

The "even though" makes it sound like your narrator should be able to see what is going on but can't. I'm assuming, since this is the guest room and the kitchen table is in the kitchen, the narrator wouldn't be able to see anyway. Thus, the "even though" is out of place, unless you include some sort of explanation that normally the narrator would be able to see what was going on.

Also, where did the tall, fat man go. Did he go into the kitchen with the grandfather? I'm assuming he's the one who grabs your narrator. So where did he go? Why did the narrator not know where he was?

I can't be here. I need to get out.

Here you switch tense again. You were writing in past, but now you're in present again.

All of a sudden I felt someone grab my foot and drag me out from under the bed. I screamed.

You're back to past again.

"LET ME GO! HELP! HELP!" I screamed loudly while hitting the other man with all the force I had. Then all of a sudden I felt a sharp pain on the side of my waist, and then I past out.

Everyone screams loudly. It's kind of repetitive to specify that your narrator was screaming "loudly". I'd cut it.

Italics look a bit better to emphasize words or volume, rather than all caps. All caps, in general, just look weird.

You just used "all of a sudden" in a recent sentence. "All of a sudden", "Suddenly," "Just then", "Then" and all of their ilk should all be used extremely sparingly. You have a lot of "and then" and "then" in your story. After a while, they lose their impact and the story just looks cluttered and reads rather haltingly. I'd get rid of it here. Just "Then I..." is fine here.

Past out = Passed out
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This is kind of short, so I can't give you much in terms of character or story critiques. I wasn't quite sure what to make of the narrator's relationship with the grandfather. Was the grandfather a trusted figure? Is this a shock, like the narrator never thought the grandfather could do anything like this? Or was the grandfather already cruel or suspicious and this is just sort of the next step? We don't feel much of the narrator's shock or betrayal or whatever other emotions just because we haven't had time to develop a relationship with any of the characters.

I'm not sure if this works as a prologue. Prologues generally give information or depict a scene that happened before the start of the story. This seems to be the start of your story. Maybe have it be the first part of your first chapter?

If you have any questions about anything in my review or YWS in general, feel free to PM me. Looking forward to seeing you around YWS!

~GryphonFledgling

Hello, this is OxfordandOnyx (:
Just thought I would drop a small review as I see the potential in this story even though it is only a porlouge!

Why could he do this?

Seeing as you already have "How could he do this?" in the next sentence, I see no need for this to be here. You see, for it to make sense it would need to be either, "Why would he do this?" or "How could he do this". You'd be better off deleting this bit.

....couldn't see much because I was under the bed.

Fair enough but then you say...

Even though I was under the bed in the guest room, I couldn't see what was going on

Like Gryphon said, you say this as if your main character should be able to see into the kitchen, even though she is under the bed!

I have to ask you. What tense do you want to write in? Past or present, because you switched frequently throughout the whole chapter which makes it hard to read and is also off putting.

You also say you want to create a horror kind of theme? Well, how about adding some description of the characters? Why not add setting description? What what the atmosphere like in the house? Was the guest room crammed with staring dolls and old toys?
Help us paint a picture!

To improve I think you should add in the character emotions and opinions so the reader can connect better with her. I don't feel anything from the character right now, she seems pretty detached and you don't want the reader to feel apathetic towards your protagonist!

Good luck improving this (:

OxfordandOnyx

Heya! I'll head straight into a line by line and then add some closing points

Also I'm going to presume you wanted to write in past tense as the majority seems to be in past.

I don't didn't understand. Why would he do this? How could he do this? Me and my grandfather always had a close relationship. [Maybe use a colon here?] When I was little he took me to the park and then afterwards we would go for ice cream. Nothing was ever out of the ordinary, until now.

I don't like this line, it's an example of telling over showing. It would be much better if you showed us the shock and surprise your character is feeling rather than tell us that this is out of the ordinary and that everything was fine until now. When she sees, does she gasp? Does she spring back, think it can't be her grandfather, think it must be a mistake? How would you feel if you saw your grandfather or close family member walk in with a woman flung over his shoulder. I'd think 'Surely she's hurt herself and he's just helping out...?' but is your character as naive as myself? Perhaps. Feel free to use that if she is.

Ealry on in a story you should pause frequently to think who your character is and how they should react to the situation. You need to keep double checking yourself to make sure they're acting consistently the same and alike to your plan. Make a character sheet maybe. They're fun! And they can have lots of silly details that might actually be useful later like favourite food and worst fears.

I layed there under the old rusty bed. [So she's been staying here or at least visists frequently right? That should mean she should associate the bed with one of the inhabitants of the house unless it's a spare room? I'd like you to be clearer on where she is and why she's there. Does her grandfather know she's home or did she visit randomly and therefore is about to surprise him. If I had relatives who visited me I'd be much more cautious than the grandfather seems to be. He hasn't been caught before which suggests he's normally good at this too so maybe have it that she isn't supposed to be there. Then he should be surprised too, flustered, try to explain himself. And if they're really all that close she should linger just a moment, hear him out. That would also be more dramatic.] The room was dark and damp. Spider webs covered the corners of the walls. I also noticed a old brown trunk at the end of the room. I started crawling towards the trunk when I heard my grandfather come into the room. I saw him open the old trunk and grab out [Maybe snatch out?] a long coil of rope. He then walked out and I heard him go threw through the front screen door.

I find your setting confusing, why does it seem that you're describing a house which hasn't been used? Cobwebs, dark, damp. Traditional horror setting. It might be a more interesting take to have the setting be light and cheerful seeming. Maybe have it be the room she stays in when she visits. If she decided to visit suddenly she way have gone up there to unpack. Actually, that could be a good scene to start with. Instead of telling the reader something bad has happened/ will happen, start with a normal, cheerful scene and then have the shock and the horror of this invade it. A contrast is always nicely dramatic.

After he left, I climbed out from under the bed and ran towards the door. Just as I was about open the screen door I saw him. And he had a young girl thrown over his shoulders. [So she's seen him come up and take a rope out of an old trunk? And she's already running?!?! Why? This is her grandfather. Maybe he needs the rope for something perfectly ordinary rather than tying up young women.] She wore what looked like a blue nightgown. I noticed she She [Shorter sentences are more dramatic and suit a horror story better.] had blood running down her legs and she was tied up with rope.

I'm not feeling much emotion so far. I think you need to show more of her fear. Very short, choppy sentences are good for that or noticing seemingly pointless details. A person in shock will often get stuck on one idea. You might here someone who has witnessed his wife murdered with a vase fixated on the vase. Like, 'It was a romanian, there were chips in the glaze and it was romanian. It was chipped. Her hair - on the floor. I never much liked that vase.' Don't be afraid to have your narrator sound fragmented for a little while. It's a great tequnique when well used.

She looked around my age. [Which is? Maybe something like 'She looked to be in her late teens. My age. My height, long, dark hair, clothes I might have worn myself. A tattoo was stamped against the tender, kissable length of her neck. A star.'] She had long black hair and a tattoo on the side of her neck. A star. I stared at him as horror filled my eyes.

I don't like the last line. It's showing again. Instead just say that her eyes shifted along the body of the girl and met his. Say she couldn't get a grip on her thoughts or something. Something that shows us she was horror stricken.

I done did what every other normal person would do. I ran. When I took off my grandfather threw the girl on the ground and tried to run after me. But, I guess his old age caught up to him because he stopped shortly after about 200 feet. [Uh... yeah. Okay describe what she actually knows. She can presume he stopped but doesn't know. Describe the sound of his footsteps following her and then their absense. The sound of his shouts, his attempts to reason with her, him calling her name. And then the absense of words.] It would be a good bit until I would reach someone's house and call for help. My grandfather lived out in the middle of the woods. He loved his privacy and now I know knew why. His house was surrounded by Pine and Maple trees. And the closest neighbor would be about 2 two miles. And when I would reach the neighbors I would call the Police.

So don't be put off by my mass of comments, this is a good start. I'm liking the line of your plot so far and there's so many places you could take this but you need to slow down a little and think about your characters and setting more before you throw yourself into this. What are the grandfather's intentions now that his grandaughter has discovered him? Does he intend to try to convince her it was nothing, that he just found the girl like that and was helping her or does he care nothing for her and intend to kill her to prevent her ruining his plans? You should know that before you continue writing. You should also know how the girl feels. Cna she bare to trust her neighbours when her grandfather, her own family member is apparently not to be trusted? I'd go to someone I felt surer about or else hide out on my own.

I'll try not to overwhelm you this soon so go ahead and tidy this up then if you'd like more comments ask me to come back here. Talk to you soon,

Heather xx