Gothic beginnings....

In my school, we have a creative writing club similar to this website. We had to write anything with the Gothic theme incorporated in it also it had to be written in 5 minutes!
Here's what I wrote:

The abomination crept slower and slower towards Max. Its head if it can be believed had flowing, mangled hair slithering by its own accord. Its eyes were two black voids filled with desolate souls and weeping sadness. The arms a train funnel's black and tough as steel which could break titanium wheels rolling towards the soulless location. Its teeth as sharp as serrated blades which could rip through human flesh as if ti was a congealed cheeses seething in a sweltering heat.
As it approached Max, Max was unable to move shocked and frozen at the same time. His feet were desperate to go, to flee, to run to the ends of the earth! Yet his feet remained intact growing roots within the ground and staring at his fate.


Please let me know what you think!

HI!!
Review here. I liked it, it was very interesting. You presented the story very well, and I loved it.
There were some grammatical errors though.
Nitpicks

Its head if it can be believed had flowing,

This needs comma. Example:Its head, if it can be believed, had flowing,

The arms a train funnel's black and tough as steel which could break titanium wheels rolling towards the soulless location.

I noticed you used which too much. I think a comma could be needed between arms and a.
Example. The arms a train funnel's, black and tough as steel which could break titanium wheels, rolling towards the soulless location.
And I also think that the sentence must be completed because it quite doesn't make sense if it ended in soulless location.

Its teeth as sharp as serrated blades which could rip through human flesh as if ti was a congealed cheeses seething in a sweltering heat.

Again , commas, but I understand, it was five minutes writing. So I think a comma could work between teeth and as. And change which to that.
NOW, Cheese? This doesn't sound good g for the theme of your story and the whole background and feeling. What does cheese have to do?

Overall.
I liked it, it's interesting. you should write a story about this, meaning with this beginning.

XOXO
PUdin

Hi Aldopictions! Kara here to review your work! ^_______________________^

The abomination crept slower and slower towards Max.

Maybe it's just me, but if the thing crawls slower and slower it would eventually stop, so it would be somewhat impossible. Try slowly crept towards Max instead?

Its head if it can be believed had flowing, mangled hair slithering by its own accord.

I agree Pudin on the if it can be believed part. However, I don't think the phrase "if it can be believed" fits there.

Good job on the mangled hair part. It kind of freaks me out. Reminds me of the girl from the grudge. (I couldn't take a bath without glancing over my shoulder every five minutes for about a month after I watched the Grudge. *shudder*)

The arms a train funnel's black and tough as steel which could break titanium wheels rolling towards the soulless location.

...I don't understand this sentence.

Its teeth as sharp as serrated blades which could rip through human flesh as if ti was a congealed cheeses seething in a sweltering heat.

Its teeth were as sharp as...

...rip through human flesh as if it was congealed cheese in the sweltering heat.

Cut out unnecessary words. They weaken prose.

As it approached Max, Max was unable to move shocked and frozen at the same time.

Take out "As it approached Max". We already know it is, so it's just slowing the sentence down.

And if possible, reword the sentence to avoid the "was". It's passive, and therefore it's not as powerful as something in active voice.

Yet his feet remained intact growing roots within the ground and staring at his fate.

The roots part is a little off-putting.


OVERALL:

The good:

I did get freaked out by the thing you described. And that's your goal, right?

The bad:

You've got a tendency to overwrite. Try to cut a few words here and there. Your prose will be strengthened by a mile if you do so.


Kudos,

Kara

Hehe, this seems right up my alley! There is only one part, though, that I saw that bothered me.

As it approached Max, Max was unable to move shocked and frozen at the same time.

Maybe something like:
As it approached Max, he was unable to move. Shock froze him where he stood.
---
Or something like that; I'm not very good at critiques, no, not at all.
If you decide to continue this, please, message me!

(Do they dance? Do they exercise? No. They mock me with their non-stop, fancy, foot movements. Haha, elephants. Ha. Ha.)