Part one - Tegan.

Hi everyone, Im new to this!
This is an idea for a book I've had in my mind for a long time, just recently I've put it to word pad.
This is the very first bit, please comment, criticism is very welcome!


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The first time I saw Tegan, was at The Zoo.
Of course then, he was named Roger, at the time I was staying with my Auntie Joan, in New York.
I’m English, a country girl, and have never been abroad before, apart from a short trip to France a while ago. So it was a big change, to be out in the ‘big city’ with all those immensely tall sky-scrapers and buildings.
When I went to Central Park Zoo, it was just Joan and I, for my Uncle Pete had taken Jimmy, my younger brother, out shopping.
You may ask why it is not Joan and I who go shopping while the boys go to the Zoo?
Simple. I hate shopping, Jim loves it.
Anyway, so Joan and I walk in the gates, and there are hordes of screaming little over-excited children running about the place.
Through all the noise, Joan gestures towards the sign that says ‘Tiger and Lion enclosures’ as it looked slightly less packed that way.
We made our way along side a huge cage with think iron bars, when I felt someone’s eyes on me.
I looked around me, but there didn’t seem to be anyone in particular staring. Joan had wandered off in her as use way, and I turned to the cage.
Pressed right up against the bars a ginormus cat was penetrating me with its huge yellow eyes, the size of my fist.
It struck me for the few mini-seconds I stood there, that there was a great sadness in those beautiful eyes.
The beast suddenly blinked, and I fell from its spell, suddenly I jumped backwards, started that I had been so close to this great animal.
I bumped into someone as I stepped backwards, I uttered a quick ‘sorry’ at the grumpy man, then I turned back to the cage.
The tiger, which, just a second ago, was glued to the bars, now, was all the way over at the other side of the enclosure, in an apparently deep sleep.
I blinked a few times, wondering about it, and then I noticed at small sign attached to the cage.
It read - Tiger. Orphaned in poaching accident. 15 years old. In captivity 5 yrs. Name: Roger.
Almost as an afterthought they added - Please do not pet.
What a boring name for a fantastic tiger. I thought, looking into the cage again.
Roger the tiger was strolling across to his water bowl, I could see his impressive muscles rippling as he walked, those giant paws flexing there dagger-like claws every time he took a step.
He looked terrifying, and I felt out of breath and tingly all over, and I had to sit down on the nearest bench, to catch my breath. I spotted my Aunt, snapping pictures like crazy of the penguins, which were waddling and swimming about.

I still felt a bit strange that night as I was lying on my side in the spare room, with Jim breathing gently beside me.
I thought about those big yellow eyes and shivered in my warm bed.
In the morning I woke with a vague feeling that I dreamed about something exciting, but as Uncle Pete came to wake us up for breakfast, it slipped out of my mind…

Hi, welcome to YWS! I'm honored to be your first reviewer.

You have some cool ideas here. I like stories about animals, they make me feel happy inside.

The way you told your story, however, seemed a bit . . . random. First your narrator talks about how she met Tegan/Roger, then jumps to talking about her history and family, then jumps back to the tiger, then starts talking about having an exciting dream. It all happens too fast. You need more description, more fleshing-out. What is the zoo like? What does it look like, how does it smell? Is it a warm or a cool day? What kind of tiger is Tegan/Roger? Etc, etc, etc. There's so much more you can show, and your reader will want to know it.

You have some grammar mistakes throughout also. For example:

We made our way along side a huge cage with think iron bars, when I felt someone’s eyes on me.

It struck me for the few mini-seconds I stood there, that there was a great sadness in those beautiful eyes.

Both of these sentences have unnecessary commas in the middle. Commas join sentences together, so as a rule, you only need a comma where there would otherwise be a period if the compound sentence were two separate sentences. So "I went for a walk down the village lane. While I was there I saw a goose," turns into "I went for a walk down the village lane, and while I was there I saw a goose." (Silly example, I know).

Please to not pet

Should be "do," not "to."

I spotted my Aunt, snapping pictures like crazy of the penguins, which were dancing and swimming about.

Have you ever seen penguins dance before? I don't really think that's what penguins do.

Otherwise, very nice. I loved the description of the tiger's claws.

Let me know when the next installment is out, okay? PM me if you have any questions. ^^

Keep at it!

-Hawks-

'ello. Welcome to YWS, new person who's read the rules and actually done 2 reviews! I like you already.

I usually do nitpicks, but I think this would benefit from a more general review.

First off, this reads like a little kid's written work. It's not the voice of a little kid, but a kid's grammar, punctuation, and style. There are very awkward phrases and everything is entirely grammatically correct, which is odd for first person, if you know what I mean. It's stilted. Take this example.

When I went to Central Park Zoo, it was just Joan and I, for my Uncle Pete had taken Jimmy, my younger brother, out shopping.
You may ask why it is not Joan and I who go shopping while the boys go to the Zoo?
Simple. I hate shopping, Jim loves it.

You drop in words like "for" (in terms of "for my Uncle Pete had taken Jimmy" and not in the dative sense) and phrases like "you may ask". It's far too formal for writing like this, and you need to try to loosen up that first person and give your narrator a voice.

Another reason for my assumption is that this is all written with a very limited vocabulary. You use words like "boring", "ginormous", "huge", "great", and you overuse them too. I'm not saying break out the thesaurus and go insane, but you need to expand a bit.

The storyline, obviously, is very elementary. "It's a big tiger!" Tigers are beautiful animals, and I loved them myself when I was younger, but this whole story is very simplistic. Go to a zoo, see a tiger. You haven't made it any more elaborate than that.

You also switch tenses quite a bit. Try to stick with past tense all the way through, even if you're talking to us directly, because it's really hard for the reader to switch between two tenses. It feels odd and it's hard to accustom to swapping between the two.

You've got a couple of typos, too. Check your work before you post! It makes you look a lot more professional and invites other writers to review if your work is free of them.

The best advice I can give you is to show and not tell. When you're first told that, you often don't fully understand its meaning; it's only as you read more and write more that you begin to figure it out, and even then, it's almost impossible to reach a healthy balance between purple prose and simple telling. I tend to go to the former, whereas you are firmly rooted in the latter. Take the opening sentences.

The first time I saw Tegan, was at The Zoo.
Of corse then, he was named Roger.
At the time I was staying with my Auntie Joan, in New York.

Those first three sentences are off-putting. You have a typo on "course", which immediately says to a reader that you haven't paid much attention to your work, even if you laboured over it and you've just let this one slip through the net. You have three very short sentences, all of which are simplistic and introduce us without any flair.

To show and not tell, as far as I'm concerned, is to describe. Not to describe in one big block, although you might start that way if it's easiest, but to bring description in so subtly that the reader might not even know they're reading it. It's in the sentence style, the dialogue, and of course, the pure description. You have a great opportunity with the tiger, which you didn't take advantage of fully. Tigers are, as I said, beautiful. I suggest you print off a picture, sit down and write a descriptive passage before you launch yourself back into this.

I don't want to put you off; if I have, I've not done my best as a reviewer and that's my fault, not yours. You've got the bare bones of a story here, but you need to take the next step. Show us the images in your head; don't just tell us about them and expect us to nod along. It's like telling someone a joke you heard from another person: you tell them about the joke, and they won't laugh, but if you can tell it again, they can laugh with you. Okay, that was a suckish simile, but it still applies. Good luck.

- Jet.

Of corse then, he was named Roger.

"course"
And I would rephrase this to "Of course, back then, he was named Roger."

So it was a big change,

I would remove "So", it doesn't look good in the beginning of a sentence.

Pressed right up against the bars a ginormus cat was penetrating me with its huge yellow eyes, the size of my fist.

"ginormous"

The beast suddenly blinked, and I fell from its spell, suddenly I jumped backwards, started that I had been so close to this great animal.

I would split this into two sentences after "spell". also, I think you mean "startled"

those giant paws flexing there dagger-like claws every time he took a step.

I liked this part very much, but I'm sure you mean "their".

He looked terrifying, and I felt out of breath and tingly all over, and I had to sit down on the nearest bench, to catch my breath.

This sentence had too many "and" in it, and repeating her breath felt unnecessary. I would divide this as well, something in the lines of: "He looked terrifying. I felt short of breath and tingly all over. I needed to sit down.

This was interesting, although I'm not quite sure what to expect. I'd love to read more, and I hope you didn't find my nitpicking too harsh. I think you've got great potential. Just keep on writing.

Save for the grammar..etc as mentioned above, i like the idea

The name could be slightly offputting aswell, Tegan is a guys/ girls name but you did sort that out after the fisrt few lines.

I like the perspective the character has on things, but the jumping around between memorys is a bit dissuading, order the way she talks about her past, Tegan, and the tiger so that the sotry flows better.

PM me if you post more.

Ella
XOX