Untitled chapter two.

Chapter two. Please review. Any thing! Good OR bad!!! Any title ideas?


My alarm clock wakes me up the next morning. I roll to my side and look at the time. Great, it's six-fifteen. I get out of my comfy bed that I just want to lay there all day. I rub my eyes. There bleary. I get out of my comfy bed, and the floor is freezing on my bare feet. I can hear my mom and dad down stairs getting ready for work. My alarm clock starts going off making a buzz sound. Why do I even have an alarm clock. I wake up on time? I shut off the annoying sounds.


I go to my bathroom. I was so lucky that my mom and dad decided to give me the second master bedroom. I strip my clothes off and flung them on the floor. I turn the water on the water is freezing cold against my hand. I never go in at first. I turn the shower on and I slowly get in. The warm water warms my cold skin. I get goosebumps all over me. I wet my long blond hair. Thinking to my self that Brittnie's favorite place was the shower. I poured the shampoo in my hand and scrubbed it in. I rinsed it out. I made sure there was no more soap in it.

I finished in the shower. I shut it off. I could hear my two little brothers getting ready for school. I go to my closet. Its a mess. I will have to clean it one of these days. I see the new outfit my parents bought for me. I pull on the bright yellow skinny jeans and then the black tank top. My mom and dad bought it for me at my favorite store Dot's. I then yank my gray sweat shirt off of its hanger. I don't even know why my mom bothers to hang my clothes on hangers. I will rip it of either way.

I blow dry my hair. It curls up. I used to straighten it, but I haven't since Brittnie died.


"Jess, do you want breakfast?"

I could hear my mom all the way down stairs. "No."

No response. I put my eye liner on. My heart feels like it is going to explode. I don't know how I am going to handle today. Maybe my mom was right. If you don't do it know, It will be harder down the road.


As I am putting my black flip flops on my brothers come walking in my room. "Sissy, mom is wondering if you want her to drive you or are you taking a bus?" my little brother, Brian, asks.

"I am taking the bus,"

He nods then walks out and makes the door slam. My backpack is all ready for today. So I grab it and run down the stairs. My heart is beating so fast. I kiss every one good bye and go out the door. As I am walking to my bus stop my neighbor, Justin is walking to. He comes over. And smiles his gorgeous dimples. I can feel my cheeks blushing bright red.

"It's good to have you back on our bus," Justin says. He's had a crush on me ever since I've moved here. I've never liked him more than a friend. "I've really missed having a normal person around. The twins, Katie and Sam, are weirder then ever. They both like me. They asked me out the same time. I was like uh.. no."

I laugh at him, "Sorry, but I can't help it. The way you just did it was hilarious. Are you going to sit with me at lunch today?"

He looks down. "Well, um, I kind of switched it," he plays with a stick he picked off the ground.

I give him a look. Just does a little cough, "I am dating Sarah. You know your old best friend. And she thought it would be better if I had the same lunch as her."

"Oh. I see. My friendship isn't enough for you?"

The bus pulls up and I can see every ones eyes open wide. I follow every one on the bus and every one is shouting. The bus driver, George, says hi to me and he's glad to have me back on my bus. The only opened seat I see is next to my ex boyfriend.

I sit next to him. He shuts off his Ipod and turns to me. "You know every one was making bets for when you were coming back. I figured today."

I give him a dirty look, "Listen, Greg, I can come one what ever days I want to."

"Are you emo?"

"Stop being so pathetic."

The bus pulls up to my humongous school and I jump up to get off the bus. I see my five best friends standing there. There's one missing. There's Mary, Hallie, Tori, Christy, and Allie, but no Marissia.

I smile as they run over to me. They hug me and yap. This day is going to be a bad one. I can already feel it.

Hi, hi. I'm here to review your piece, it's short so I will probably find little mistakes! [:

_________

I get out of my comfy bed, and the floor is freezing on my bare feet.

I have a question for you. Is the floor on her feet, or are her feet on the floor? That's what you're implying with this sentence; that the floor is ON her. Instead of on try beneath, or under.

Why do I even have an alarm clock. I wake up on time?

Your punctuation marks are all wrong. I believe the question mark goes with the first sentence and the period with the second. Does that make sense?

I go to my bathroom. I was so lucky that my mom and dad decided to give me the second master bedroom. I strip my clothes off and flung them on the floor. I turn the water on the water is freezing cold against my hand. I never go in at first. I turn the shower on and I slowly get in. The warm water warms my cold skin. I get goosebumps all over me. I wet my long blond hair. Thinking to my self that Brittnie's favorite place was the shower. I poured the shampoo in my hand and scrubbed it in. I rinsed it out. I made sure there was no more soap in it.

With this paragraph, I noticed you use A LOT of I's in the beginning of each sentence. I would try to fix that, honestly. It drones on and on, and it sounds a lot like 'script' writing. You do this a lot throughout you're writing. I won't repeat myself. So yeah, look that up, and fix it pwease [:

Its a mess.

It is, therefore use its this way: it's.

"I am taking the bus,"

No comma is necessary, you don't have anything after the quotes... So yeah.

__________
Other than that, this is really interesting. I think you could do a lot with it, if you fix the paragraphs with tons of I's. It's really annoying, and adds nothing to your story. I'm sorry, but seriously. It's true. (Don't worry I do it sometimes too )

hi...i got your message, sure thing...i'll review your work.

but first...the word "buzz" should be replaced by "buzzing"

okay...firstly, characters

i've read it and i saw that you made interesting characters with a certain personality in each one. For example your protangonist' friend who seem to be shy and the main character herself who was describe as an emo.

i like it...and you've weave some interesting relationships with each other as well.

next...tone

the last line of the story describe that she will have a bad day...how??

you were able to describe the tone by the characters themselves and their relationship but...peronally that seem quite not enough. When i first read the story, i get a feeling of a normal day to school but at the last line, you indicated that this is going to be bad.

when she said, "Oh.I see. My riendship isn't enough for you." you could add some body language or the words, "she exclaimed." or maybe you could describe the dialogue as "she tilted her head with her eyes looking at him sharply."
Next if when she went to the bus. To fit the mood, try telling what the character is thinking. When she went inside with all the attention to her. How does she feel?
you could either write what she is thinking or give her some body language to describe her reaction.
Like, "she stood firm for a moment biting her lip as she walk pass the walkway." by doing that or soemthing similar, you let the reader know what she is feeling.

plot...

the plot is simple and i do not have much to say because you weave an introduction that already kciks starts important characters in your story and you ended it with some sort of cliffhanger on to what will happen next.
AS well, it allows the reader to ask: Why is she predicting to have a bad day??

Anyway...goodluck with that and pm me if you need more reviews.

Hello again! This section of the story seemed to have a lot more emotion. Bueno. Everyone else got the nitpicks which makes my job way super easy.
Kind of. But editing is never easy, is it?

jessie2009 wrote:I turn the water on the water is freezing cold against my hand.

I am using this as an example; because you do this several times in your writing. It's bad. Fix it, be on the look out for it. It's one of those writer's quirks that you have to iron out of your story.
At first, it looks like the only problem with this is the lack of a comma. However, the problem seems to lie in the voice of the story. It's a monotone. All of your sentences run together, without commas or interesting characteristics, and make the events seem droll. This isn't true about your whole story, just certain clumps of sentences. It's like your falling in and out of touch with your protagonist, in this case, you. Try to be charged with emotion, or at least be in the right mindset, while your writing this piece, so inconsistencies don't occur. It's a common problem when you write in first-person.
I know that sounds contradictory to my ITS CHARGED WITH EMOTION statement but really, good job.
I cannot wait for part three.

HI Jess!!
Here for the review.
So, i see you're getting better by the second!! This was much better, your tenses were better, there was more emotion on it although you should describe a little more. Not the whole thing, but just like body language, expression or current emotions of the scene.
Now some nitpicks.

1. Well, first thing. YOur tenses are way better but there are places where you still mix past with present and it confuses me.

I wet my long blond hair. Thinking to my self that Brittnie's favorite place was the shower.

First of all, I love this sentence, for some reason it's so sad and I can iagine her face while thinking it.
Out of place comment: i used to that a lot when my best friend left to Canada.
Second.You could make it a whole sentence just by placing semicolons.

My heart is beating so fast.

I'd like to know why her heart is beating so fast, like some description.

I follow every one on the bus and every one is shouting.

What effect does this have on her? Believe it or not this sentence could be much better and it would be really interesting.

"Are you emo?"

"Stop being so pathetic."

First. This is funny
Second. But it would be more funny if you would describe her body language or just put her current mood.

Overall.
Jess, this was great and I loved it. I like your style and the message that your writing always has. Unlike mine, mine is pure fiction. So as you see, this piece is way beeter than the other ones and it's nice that you're improving.

sorry, for the short overall review but I think I'll Pm it to you because ritght now I am overloaded with homeworks.

XOXO
Pudin

Hi, I'm Mo and here's my review.

My alarm clock wakes me up the next morning. I roll to my side and look at the time. Great, it's six-fifteen. I get out of my comfy bed that I just want to lay there all day. I rub my eyes. There bleary. I get out of my comfy bed, and the floor is freezing on my bare feet.

Okay, this has comfy bed to often, it's repetitive and makes the opening paragraph boring. you could just say; the floor is freezing as I walk across it. Or you could cut the whole sentence. It's up to you.

My alarm clock starts going off making a buzz sound. Why do I even have an alarm clock. I wake up on time? I shut off the annoying sounds.

Why did the alarm go off again? I believe it should be annoying sound.

I go to my bathroom. I was so lucky that my mom and dad decided to give me the second master bedroom. I strip my clothes off and flung them on the floor. I turn the water on the water is freezing cold against my hand. I never go in at first. I turn the shower on and I slowly get in. The warm water warms my cold skin. I get goosebumps all over me. I wet my long blond hair. Thinking to my self that Brittnie's favorite place was the shower. I poured the shampoo in my hand and scrubbed it in. I rinsed it out. I made sure there was no more soap in it.

This paragraph is good, but you have changed your tense a bit. It should be stripped, not strip etc. You have also turned on the water twice (just delete the second turn the shower on or say that you turned the hot tap on first, and then the cold tap).
You say she; pours the shampoo into her hair and scrubs it in. Add something like; to her hair to the sentence (it makes more sense). Rinsing her hair can be in the same sentence, or you could say; it takes a while to rinse. (And add that into the next two sentences-make them one).

I finished in the shower. I shut it off. I could hear my two little brothers getting ready for school. I go to my closet. Its a mess. I will have to clean it one of these days. I see the new outfit my parents bought for me. I pull on the bright yellow skinny jeans and then the black tank top. My mom and dad bought it for me at my favorite store Dot's. I then yank my gray sweat shirt off of its hanger. I don't even know why my mom bothers to hang my clothes on hangers. I will rip it of either way.

If she finishes in the shower it is unnecessary to say she also shut it off. As she stepped out and got dressed she may have heard the loud crashes of her younger brothers getting dressed.

As I am putting my black flip flops on my brothers come walking in my room. "Sissy, mom is wondering if you want her to drive you or are you taking a bus?" my little brother, Brian, asks.

"I am taking the bus,"

She has just been through so much and her personality is weak at the moment, I think instead of using I am, which sounds very determined, when she is really only talking about a bus trip, you could just say I'm.

He nods then walks out and makes the door slam.

Just one brother, I thought there was two? and why would he make the door slam, I don't see any reason for him to be angry. This sentence is a bit confusing.

As I am walking to my bus stop my neighbor, Justin is walking to. He comes over. And smiles his gorgeous dimples. I can feel my cheeks blushing bright red.

So your character has a crush on this neighbor? Interesting...

"It's good to have you back on our bus," Justin says. He's had a crush on me ever since I've moved here. I've never liked him more than a friend. "I've really missed having a normal person around. The twins, Katie and Sam, are weirder then ever. They both like me. They asked me out the same time. I was like uh.. no."

But you say here that she has never liked him. Why is she blushing if she doesn't even like him, if he was just a friend she wouldn't blush. I think you need to explain.

I give him a look. Just does a little cough, "I am dating Sarah. You know your old best friend. And she thought it would be better if I had the same lunch as her."

Who just does a little cough??? Why does he mention she's her old best friend, what happened between them, is he trying to anger her by rubbing it in her face that they aren't best friends anymore, or is he trying to make her jealous that he is going out with Sarah?

I sit next to him. He shuts off his Ipod and turns to me. "You know every one was making bets for when you were coming back. I figured today."

I give him a dirty look, "Listen, Greg, I can come one what ever days I want to."

"Are you emo?"

"Stop being so pathetic."

This is probably my favorite bit. I love her attitude. But, I think you could make it even better, try to include how he looks at her, does he hate her, like her, or is he just curios?

I smile as they run over to me. They hug me and yap. This day is going to be a bad one. I can already feel it.

Why does she know it's going to be a bad day if her friends are being nice and giving her hugs?

All in all, it was good. Keep working on it