Deathly Rose

Deleted;

The warm, fragrant air of my home wades throughout my nose.

This sentence would work if it weren't for the "throughout my nose" bit. "Throughout" makes it sound like it's going through each part of your character's nose... which is a bit of a weird image. "Through my nose" would make perfect sense, however.

Warm, pink walls were never the more welcoming.

Even though were never the more welcoming sounds right, I don't think it actually is right. It seems awkward to me, like the "the" doesn't really need to be there and is just there to make the sentence sound more verbose than it needs to be. Try it without the "the" and it might work out better.

It was morning, and I've barely just awoken.

Ho there, you've switched tenses on us! It is morning is what you were going for.

It was a new day, filled with butterfly dances, counting how many steps is on a road, and just being happy and about.

This sentence just seems... schmaltzy. I can't see it serving any purpose and some of the terms used are a bit fluffy, especially the bit about "butterfly dances." It'd be better if you described to us what the day looked and felt like rather than just tell us what kind of day it was.

I look into the mirror that stands just on the opposite side, and look into its reflection.

Opposite side of what?

Also, it's a bit cliche to have your character describe their appearance by looking into a mirror. It's convenient, yes, but the least you could do is give them some substantial reason for looking in the first place. This to me seems like you as the writer needing to describe your character, and so you make them look into the mirror.

The warm, brown eyes that I have are shown with happiness and glee; the wings gleaming as usual, reaching from my head to my feet.

are shown with happiness and glee--I'm not sure if you meant "shine with happiness and glee" (like you got "shone" and "shown" confused) or if you meant "show happiness and glee." As it is, it doesn't grammatically make sense, and the "are" doesn't need to be there. So it should be:

The warm, brown eyes that I have shine with happiness and glee;

or

The warm, brown eyes that I have show happiness and glee;

The continuation of this sentence also doesn't make much sense grammatically: the wings gleaming as usual(...)--it makes it sound like her eyes have wings, since you're not referencing where these wings are coming from, so all we have are her eyes from the previous part of the sentence. Also, there needs to be a verb there. You could say "my wings ARE gleaming" and it would work.

So the new sentence could be:

The warm, brown eyes that I have shine with happiness and glee; my wings are gleaming as usual, reaching from my head to my feet.

or

The warm, brown eyes that I have show happiness and glee; my wings are gleaming as usual, reaching from my head to my feet.

Although looking at that, I think it would work better as two sentences:

The warm, brown eyes that I have show happiness and glee. My wings are gleaming as usual, reaching from my head to my feet.

Now... when I read this, I still don't like it. Is this character supposed to be vain? Otherwise I can't imagine anyone calling their own eyes "warm" or their own body parts "gleaming," even if they are a supernatural being. People regard themselves as fairly plain unless they're vain. That doesn't mean people don't think they're attractive, but I can never look in a mirror and describe how I look using lots of pretty adjectives, and I consider myself to be a fairly attractive person. I would just try to be accurate, not flattering.

The thing is, I feel like you're not using this sentence to show us how vain this character is. I get the impression that you're using this sentence for the benefit of the reader, so that you know she has brown eyes and has wings. If you wanted this character to be vain, I think you should do it in a slightly more obvious way so that the readers don't get a confused impression of who this character is and what you're trying to do.

Also, I have never seen eyes that express any sort of emotion like "happiness" or "glee." Usually you just smile if you're happy and excited. I see a lot of writers try to use the eyes to express emotion, but really all you're doing is trying to disguise your act of telling by showing--but really, you're not showing us anything by telling us that her eyes shine with happiness, you're just using a roundabout way to tell us she's happy. Instead of doing this, just tell us she's smiling, or give us an actual expression that we can actually visualize in our head, because as it is, I don't know what gleeful eyes look like. Eyes are eyes, and they can only express so much.

A smile pulled to my lips, being a elf was happiness.

There should be a semi-colon rather than a comma. Also, it should be "an elf" not "a elf." And you switched tenses again! It should be "pulls," not "pulled."

But honestly, I'd rather not see the sentence there at all. For one, the statement is very fluffy, just like the bit with the dancing butterflies. I'm all for being light-hearted and pretty, but this plain isn't subtle, and is sort of slathering the entire piece with mush. I'd feel the same way if you're character was saying "Being elf made me want to die a thousand black deaths"--it's all about subtlety.

The way to achieving subtlety is through showing. If you show us how she lives as an elf and how wonderful it is, we'll get that she really likes being an elf. If you just tell us she loves it so much she equates it to utter happiness, then the effect is rather lost on us.

I'm sort of wondering where she is. She's walking somewhere on a soft floor, and then suddenly there's an edge. Where is she? Is she in her room, or does her house only have one room? Just give us a bit of an idea.

The feeling was something you could never get rid of. A feeling of flight, freedom, and magic, all wrapped into one.

As a reader, I'm not moved by this at all. You're telling instead of showing again.

It would be better to describe what it does feel like. I try to show this through bodily reactions--and sorry, that sounded more sexual than intended, but I'll try to convey what I mean. XD When my characters are embarrassed, I say their stomach dropped, or when they're nervous, their stomach is in knots. When they're scared or feeling passionate, their heart beats in their ears. Metaphors are good, too. What does flying feel like to her? Try to describe what elation or contentment is instead of just saying it's there.

I land on a butterfly, and danced till the sun had a cooling effect, rather than a burning one.

Now I'm just confused. What does this mean? Do they do little dances to change the weather? That's really all I get from this sentence, but I'm not entirely sure. It could very well mean that she just danced on the butterfly until the sun moved behind the trees or something. I honestly have no idea.

Also, the tense thing again. It should be and dance 'til the sun has a cooling effect(...)

Next on the agenda, following the roads on one leaf. The veins you normally see, well those are roads to me. I’m ultra tiny, and cannot be seen by human eyes.

Well THERE'S new information. I feel like I could have used that a while ago, honestly. Perhaps as soon as she saw the butterfly, because it came into play then. I had been imagining her as about the size of a butterfly, and now I have to adjust that image significantly.

I ask this to you--how do you think riding on a butterfly would feel like if you were that freaking tiny? I'd like to know, as a reader. I should be immersed in the story, and it's hard to be when I can't imagine how small she must be.

I laugh, letting the sound of ringing bells fill the air around me.

Again, this is not how most people would describe themselves. Also the whole thing rather makes me cringe. It actually comes off as a bit Sueish, just as a warning. Comparing laughter to bells is also just terribly cliche. There's a lot wrong with this, basically.

It took me longer than I would have thought normal. The sun was gone, disappeared.

I have a feeling this entire thing would have been easier for you to write if you simply wrote it in past-tense. Present-tense is difficult to write, and you shouldn't do it unless you're really comfortable with it--otherwise you get things like this, where you're constantly switching on and off.

Either way, really watch your tenses. Just stick to a tense and make sure you're keeping with it.

Anyway, this is how the sentences should look:

It takes me longer than I would think is normal. The sun is gone, disappeared.[/quote]

"Disappeared" is fine, since it's working as a modifying, rather than a verb.

“Well, well. Look who it is! Jasper! So long I haven’t seen you.”.

... I'm a bit gobsmacked that this narrator is male. He's sounds [i]awfully feminine, which is fine, but it would have been nice to get some sort of indication of gender since with this revelation, it was not obvious before.

A voice, slightly high it tone, whispers to me.

Why is she whispering?

I knew who it was, it was Annabelle.

I know who it is, it is Annabelle. Tenses again.

It might flow better as I knew who it is; Annabelle. or I would have written is as I recognize the voice; it's Annabelle's.

The annoying, yet sweet younger elf that has an eye for me.

I would have liked Annabelle to show that she was annoying, sweet and had an eye for Jasper all on her own, instead of Jasper simply telling us this. Again, showing vs. telling--I personally think it's the most important when it comes to characters.

Also, this sentence seals my impression that Jasper is vain. He describes himself as having warm eyes, gleaming wings, thinks his laughter sounds like bells and assumes that people have crushes on him... unless she told him before, or tell shim constantly. It'd be good for us to know before he just tells us something like this, since I don't know if he's entirely reliable or not.

“Hello, Annabelle. I can’t talk long, I have to find a temporary home. And fast, the darkness creeps me out.” I say calmly, focusing on each word.

Er... does he have trouble speaking to people, or something? When he says he "focuses on each word" it sounds like he has to try REALLY hard to come up with something to say, or maybe he has to try to enunciate everything perfectly--it's really too vague to tell. Either way, the impression I get is that he has trouble speaking, but I'm entirely unsure if that's what you intended for me to think. If it is, make it more obvious. If it isn't, you should just leave it is "I say" and hack of the rest of it.

I would hack off "calmly" as well, since personally, I don't really know how I sound to other people unless I'm yelling or whispering or my voice is doing something crazy. Otherwise I'm just talking and I don't know how I sound normally. Basically, I don't see how "calmly" is anything of note to his voice. Also, adverbs just generally shouldn't be tacked onto dialogue tags. They're superfluous. Your characters words will speak for themselves 90% of the time.

You are a guy for utter sakes,

Sorry to say, I actually sort of laughed at this. "Utter" is a verb or an adjective, so it can't have any sake. The term you're looking for is something like "goodness' sake", as in "for the sake of goodness." There can be no "for the sake of utter."

I should be the one who is afraid,” she tapped gently on her forehead.

Why did she tap on her forehead? I'm not really sure what she's indicating to. Usually when you tap your head, it means you're indicating your brain, and I'm not sure what that has to do with what she's talking about. If it's something that elves do, it should be more clear.

“And I’m not.” She laughs a evil laugh, filled with mockery.

It should be "an evil laugh." Also that's a bit melodramatic. Jasper comes off as very silly for thinking a girl's laugh can sound evil and mocking, for saying something that mostly sounds like a tease. If it's supposed to be hyperbole, it should be more obvious.

I. Can’t. Believe. I. Said. That I thought.

Wait, what? We're IN his thoughts. He should just say that. He shouldn't have to tell us that he was thinking that, because these words are his thoughts.

Also, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that separating your words into periods? Very, very valley girl. It's making Jasper come off as very... um... fabulous, I'll say. And it's not just that one sentence, I've sort of been thinking it ever since I found out he wasn't a girl. At least that's the impression I'm getting. If that's what you want, then great, you got it. If it's not what you want, then I'm afraid that's what he's really, reeeeeally reading as.

The nickname I gave her long ago just came up and a looking of love and caring washed over Annabelle.

This is a run-on. I'm not really sure what it all even means, it's so jumbled up. I'll say rewrite it as this, but I don't know if it's entirely what you mean:

I gave her that nickname a long time ago. It just came up, and a look of love and caring washed over Annabelle.

Again, I really don't know if that's what you were going for, but that's what I've interpreted it as. I won't break it apart just because I'm not entirely sure if that's what you meant.

“You gave me a n-nickname, Jasper?” She stutters.

We know she stuttered since you wrote "n-nickname," so you don't need to tell us that she stuttered.

I never break promises, whether they be horrid or sweet like now. I’ll never dishonor a promise.

The second sentence is redundant, so it's unneeded.

He felt warm lips press to his cheek, and a warm laugh.

Whoa there. That's not first-person!

Did you just rewrite something that was originally written in third-person? That would be bad, if that were the case. Third-person and first-person are different for a reason--they serve different purposes. They aren't as easily interchangeable as switching between "he" and "I." If you wrote something in third-person and then changed your mind and decide to write it in first-person, you should rewrite the entire thing, not just edit what's already there.

The difference between the two can be seen from just reading a novel in third-person and reading one in first-person. Although third-person limited will be somewhat like first-person, it still isn't as immersive into the character as first-person will be. It's complicated; I suggest you look up some essays about it. I'm afraid I can't recommend any myself, it's just something I've always sort of known, I guess. Sorry I can't be more of help in that instance.

The truth was barely concealed.

Again, tenses.

I fell in love the minute he saw her, but conceal it through mockery and annoyance.

Uh... why? Does he have any reason to? Also, I'm afraid I'm going to come off as a prick here, but saying you fell in love with someone just based on their looks is a bit far-fetched. I'd like for him to talk about why he liked Annabelle more as a person than how she pretty she was. He can mention how pretty she was, but love is about more than that, you know?

It's another thing if he just has a crush on her, but if that is the case, then he shouldn't say "I fell in love with her" since that's obviously something much different than just having a crush.

That was intense, I thought in secret grinning as a lifted off into flight.

Again, we're in his thoughts. He shouldn't have to tell us what are his thoughts or not. Also... "I thought in secret"--is there anyone around who can read thoughts? Most people's thoughts are private, and in effect, secret.

Unless you meant that his grin was secret, in which case that's a very awkward way to say it. It should be "secretly grinning" instead.

As I predicted, all the flowers were closed up for the night, hiding their beauty.

Tenses again.

I consider each of the possibilities, each and every flower I can think of. The overgrown honey suckles!

Bwuh? This comes off as a sort of spastic outburst more than a logical conclusion. If you gave us some idea of why he suddenly thought of that flower, it would make some more sense--like what was best for staying the night, and why honey suckles were ideal somehow.

On my way towards my temporary stay for the night, I thought I’d stop and say hello to the miss that reads every nights, waiting and expecting me to talk about millions of things. But mostly, it was of her lover.

Who? What? Huh?

.... OKay I think I get it after the third read-through. There are clearer ways to say it. He calls her "the miss," which is just odd--it doesn't tell me a lot about who this person is to him. Also saying that she "reads every night" has very little to do with what the main point is, which is that he talks to her about a lot of things.

Also.... hm. How do I say this. This... is NOT helping me think he's any more masculine by saying he has a gal pal that likes to talk about her love life with him. Just going to put that out there. Some guys do it, but most don't specifically go and search for that type of conversation, in general. I mean I do that with my ex-boyfriend, but he's not 100% heterosexual, sooooo... and again, it'd be fine if Jasper wasn't, but I'm just wondering if this is the impression you meant for me to have.

I take my finger and tap on the window, at first, she looks around the window seeing nothing.

This should be two sentences.

I take my finger and tap on the window. At first, she looks around the window and sees nothing.

You don't really have to say that he used his finger to tap the window--we would assume he would if you just said I tap on the window to her house. or something. Oh, and it'd be nice to know if this was at her house, but I kind of figured that out anyway.

I wouldn't say "she looks around the window," since it just sounds like she's just looking at the window, rather than outside the window.

She walks towards the window and opens it, then I blew wind on her face, and she automatically knew it was me.

So DOES he control weather? That's been really unclear, and it's still fairly unclear, since I'm not sure if he's literally blowing wind on her or if that's just an odd way of saying he pursed his lips and blew on her face. I don't know which it is, to be honest, since it's sort of a leap in logic to assume that he can control weather.

“Oh, Jasper! How are you, tiny friend?” She asks off in space, but I know it’s direct towards me.

Well, yeah he does, she said his name.

I definitely know I’m crossing the rules, elves shouldn’t make themselves known to humans. But she was so beautiful, blond tresses that are always pinned atop her head, green eyes that sparkled.

This makes it sound much less like like she's his gal pal and more like a crush, but just because I've been proven wrong doesn't mean that the sentence that made me think that shouldn't be changed. When he first mentioned her, he should have made her sound like someone he admires, rather than just someone who he likes to gossip and gab on with.

I sit at the tip of her ear, so that she can hear me.

Where is the tip of your ear? Is it at the top or bottom?

“Ah, what a sad thing to here, dear.” She replies.

It should be "hear." Also it should be "Ah, what a sad thing to hear, dear," she replies. "She replies" cannot be its own sentence since it's referencing to what is in the quotation marks.

“What are you intensely reading this late at night?”

That sentence is very awkward. I would say "What are you reading so intensely this late at night?"

She replies, closing her eyes and remembering the times her father had read her the same exact book years before.

Is he a mind-reader? Remember that this is in HIS perspective, not hers. He doesn't know what she's thinking.

“She tries and tries, but can’t get him under the spell of disaster, but one day. A gloomy, sullen day, he disappears.

What does "the spell of disaster" mean, and why does she want him to be under it?

These two sentences are fragments, and they should be combined. The "but" also doesn't serve much purpose, since him disappearing and and her failing at doing... something, don't have anything to do with each other.

She tries and tries, but can't get him under the spell of disaster. Then one day, on a gloomy, sullen day, he disappears.

“What a lovely tale,” I ponder reading it myself.

Pondering is done in your head. You don't speak when you ponder.

I do not know what’s going on with him

I've been meaning to comment on the character and narrator's formality.

Their speech needs to be consistent, for one. You have characters saying "will not" and "do not" and "is not," but then they say "what's" instead of "what is."

For two, "what's going on" is very casual and informal. It should be "I do not know what is wrong with him."

For three, not using words like "what's" and "don't" and such makes for very stilted speech. You're going for formality, but instead it sounds more awkward. It seems more like an easy way to make them have formal speech, rather than actually considering what makes speech formal and what doesn't.

I don't really know how to fix the speech problem since, again, I've always sort of had an understanding of it. Sorry that I can't help you more on it, I can only say that there's a problem you need to fix.

I hope my evil brother tricked him into thinking something he shouldn’t.

Why would she hope for that? Did you mean "I hope my evil brother DIDN'T trick him"?

I really have no idea what Jasper's powers are. He can apparently make the sun cool instead of hot, make the wind blow and can wipe tears that are 100x his size away, but I don't know how he can do all of this.

Which is true, I’m always there for her when she needs me, when her true, human brother doesn’t.

This makes it sound like he's there for her supposedly evil brother and off to help her when her brother doesn't need him, which I don't think was your intention. It should be:

Which is true, I'm always there for her when she needs me, when her true, human brother isn't.

The window I left open, still remains in and I fly out,

Did you mean that the window is still open when he flies out? Because that would be a much better way of saying it.

The window is still open, and I fly out,--something like that.

taking one last look at the girl with blonde tresses.

How come he knows her boyfriend and her brother's name, but not hers?

I automatically sense it’s Mariella’s brother, who she hates.

This is the first time we've ever gotten her name.

And yeah, it's been well-established that she hates her brother, as soon as she said "my evil brother."

“I have a plan,” I listen in more carefully. “ Three days from now, I will tell him there’s a trip planned that’s mandatory. He won’t think twice, then I’ll murder him.”

That's a little too convenient. For one, who talks to themselves like that? Especially when you're talking about something like murder? For two, that makes it so easy for Jasper. He doesn't have to work to find out what her bad brother is up to--it's just handed to him. It makes the whole thing lack any tension or conflict, since your character didn't have to work for such pertinent information.

This man is about as loony as a fish.

Fish are loony? I've never heard this expression before and it doesn't make sense to me.

I bet he means nothing.

So he knows that her brother is bad... and yet doesn't think he means anything when he says he'll murder her boyfriend? That's just dumb, I'm sorry. It's your character being conveniently oblivious.

My wings arch as I stretch, relieving them from being smooched together all night.

"Smooch" means kiss, so his wings are smooching together all night means that they were kissing together, which doesn't make sense. They could be smooshed together, but that's not actually a word. Maybe squished would work.

I run- more like fly –

Why would he use the expression "run" if he flies EVERYWHERE?

In a tree somewhere.

If he always knows that Annabelle is in this tree, wouldn't he know specifically where it was, instead of "somewhere"?

She appears with a bright, orange ensemble grinning.

What type of ensemble? I'd like to know what elves wear.

I really don't get this game he plays with her. If I got an idea of why he had to be mean to her, it'd make sense. But as it is it just seems like he's kind of being this way for no reason, especially when he allows himself to hug her and tell her he missed her. It makes it seem like he's not really on guard at all, which makes it only more confusing as to why he would pretend not to like her.

Her lips turn down into a frown.

Well yes, that's what lips generally do when they turn into a frown. You can just say that she frowned--we know what it looks like. XD

“Mariella’s brother wants to murder her sweet lover.”

Who talks like that? "Sweet lover"? Really? It just sounds awkward and weird.

Also, why does Annabelle know about his friendship with Mariella? I thought talking to humans was kind of forbidden or whatever.

“What!” She screams, running her hand through her fine hair. “Are you utterly serious, Jasper?”

"Utterly serious" is awkward. No one says it, not even if they're speaking formally.

And you may want to make that "What!" a "What?"

“I don’t know,” I shrug my shoulders. “He usually is a weirdo, remember?”

*scratches head* Their speech is really confusing. They speak so formally one minute, and they say "weirdo" the next. Again, you need some consistency.

Also, why wouldn't he know if he was being serious?

“Well, duh, but this is something we can’t play around with.” She says matter-of-factly.

Again, "duh" is extremely informal, and rather rude.

"matter-of-factly" doesn't need to be there--it's a tacked on adverb. We can tell she's speaking matter-of-factly, whatever that may mean.

Why is Jasper taking the time to smell flowers and look up at the sky when they're talking about something serious?

Great, so I just angered the girl I secretly love.

Why does he care if he treats her terribly regardless? I want a clearer view on their relationship. As it is, it's very confusing and inconsistent.

I couldn’t think of anything to do, rather than just sit there and think about what that mad man had said. I didn’t know if it was just his madness, or the truth. And no one was there to help me decide.

This feels like you're trying to create conflict. This is what happens when you hand your character something easy, like the revelation that Mariella's brother wants to kill her boyfriend. There's really not a lot for him to think about. Even if it was her brother being crazy, it wouldn't hurt to tell Mariella, now would it? There's no point in him thinking too deeply about it.

Instead of just dropping this into his lap, how about giving him some reason to find out what her brother is up to, and then having him find out that way. Make him do something. Conflict can easily be created just by giving him a task.

She starts cleaning continuously, something she’s always done when she’s agitated.

What is she cleaning? This seems like a random piece of information.

“Don’t we all,”

This would make sense if she said I wish I could leave this place, but she didn't.

Also, I thought he liked being an elf, and therefore was pretty content with his life.

I leaf through all the jewelry she owns, feeling the weight of its metal in my tiny hands. Overbearing.

I don't understand what he's doing. What do you mean by "leaf," and how is he able to hold it in his hands if he's so small that a human eye can't see him?

“Most more like I,”

That's a doozy. I'm not even sure what you mean by that.

“Would you stop, dear? You’ll ruin your dress,” I notice.

That was a terribly effeminate observation.

I've never heard the term "soften up" be used like that. Usually if you're soft that means you're weak and sentimental. If you need to "soften up" that means you're cold and mean. Jasper's just a bit pissed off, not mean or cold.

Him telling Annabelle how he felt was very anti-climactic. I didn't feel very invested in their relationship and sort of felt like he was just acting silly the whole time anyway. I just really can't put my finger on what type of relationship they have, so I don't feel very moved by any of their romance.

The fountain offers me nothing

What does it usually offer him? I've never heard about this fountain before now.

“Richard is going on a trip, something my brother set up. He’s excited, but sullen he has to leave me. I don’t want him to leave either.”

What? She already told him that. They both were just talking about this only a scene ago.

she continues to stare at an incandescent nothing.

"incandescent" means emitting light as a result of being heated. If something emits light and has heat, it's can't have the quality of being nothing. Nothing has no qualities, and incandescent suggests having a quality. Therefore, incandescent nothing is a contradiction.

I do not care about finding a rose before sunset

... Huh? He already went to his rose and found out it was closed. I'm terribly confused. If you rewrite something, you should just do it from scratch instead of rewriting it within the same draft. Otherwise you get confusing situations like this, where scenes are replaying themselves.

I don't get Jasper's passiveness. He knows that Mariella's brother is planning on killing her boyfriend. Why doesn't he do something about it? Can't he at least tell Mariella so that she knows, so that she can try to do something about it? It seems so illogical for him to just sit and mope around at a time like this, especially to look back on his life. He should be called to action, not philosophizing.

By the time I’ve considered my life, the sky had gone a threatening black.

What's the point of having him sit around thinking about his life if you aren't going to let us get a glimpse into what he's thinking about? This is what first-person is for.

If Mariella and Richard are engaged, shouldn't Jasper be calling him her fiancee instead of her lover? Lover suggests that they're having a secret affair, especially a sexual one. That's why I've been calling Richard her boyfriend, since I knew lover was incorrect.

“Your brother does not like our engagement, I won’t allow him to hurt you. I’m the one that must go, for your safety. Does that make sense at all?”

No, actually, it doesn't. I don't understand why he has to do anything her brother says, or why they need his approval in the first place. I don't understand how her brother would hurt her if Richard didn't go on this trip. None of it makes sense.

“We cannot run, Mariella.”

I'd like him to have some reason for this. But apparently he doesn't. He needs one, desperately.

She kisses, letting her love trench it so her lover will know each and every day.

How can her love trench? To trench means to dig a hole.

There's a lot more that I can comment on, but I think I'll stop there, because it definitely gives you enough food for thought.

Overall this needs a lot more self-editing. You really need to watch your grammar, because as it is, it's bad enough to where it's incomprehensible at certain sentences. That first and foremost needs to be solved before you can even get to your other issues.

Your characters are rather inconsistent and hard to pinpoint. I don't really understand Jasper's motivations or his personality, which is weird since this is supposed to be first-person, so he's the one person I should understand the most.

You should keep writing, but I would highly suggest getting a second person to look over your work, even before posting it here. Or, even better, post in shorter portions, please! I couldn't get through all of this since I had something to say for every sentence, and I'm sorry to say that I need to get sleep sometime soon. I'll try and finish the rest of it, but honestly for some parts I feel like I would just be repeating myself. Just to be safe, I would suggest starting over on this completely and taking what I said into mind.

I don't want to discourage you from writing, so keep at it.