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Chapter 1
Adrienne hated waiting. She hated it more than getting shots. She hated it more than she hated homework, and her counselor, and spiders, and waking up early, and pre-calculus, and sad movies, and cashews.
Adrienne arrived at the hospital at 9:34 and it was 10:50. She had got up to leave three times, and had made it all the way to the front doors, even had her hand on the handle. But she always came back. That was just how much Ethan meant to her. She would wait for him.
Adrienne went to the gift shop, and bought a bouquet of yellow tulips, and red snapdragons. The snapdragons reminded her of when she was little. She used to stick her thumb in the bottom bulb, and her pointer finger into the top, and open and close the little mouth, and watch it breathe fire. She tried to fit her big kid thumb into the flower now, but it didn’t fit, and it made her more disappointed than she would have thought.
“Honey?” said Ethan’s nurse. She put a hand on Adrienne’s shoulder to get her attention.
Adrienne looked up.
“His parents left. You can see him now.”
Adrienne rose to her feet. She held the flowers in front of herself, shielding her body. She hadn’t been afraid to visit Ethan since the first time he’d been hospitalized. That first time, she hadn’t been able to wait in the waiting room. She left, even though she came back, after driving in circles around the city block for an hour. Even on a regular visiting day like today, she got all kinds of insects batting around in her stomach.
Ethan was reclined all the way back in bed, and his waxy, bald head was nestled in his pillow. His eyes were sunken, and dark looking. She couldn’t tell if he looked more sick than usual. “Hey,” she said, softly. “I got you some flowers.”
“Let me see them,” he said, in a grey voice. He reached out for the bouquet, with a knobbly hand.
Adrienne pulled a chair over next to him, as she handed him the flowers. She studied him, with the eye of a scientist. He put the flowers to his face, and breathed in deeply.
“They don’t really have much of a smell,” she told him. She regretted passing up the roses and gardenias suddenly.
He sighed, and set them down, beside him. “That’s okay.” His sluggish eyes lifted to her face. “How are you?” he asked. He reached for her hand, and she took his, in both of hers.
“I’m okay. I –I wish I had more to tell you. I failed my pre-cal test. My parents grounded me. I saw that new Judd Apatow movie with Clair. She liked it, but I didn’t think it was that funny. I finished reading Catch-22, and you’re right –it is an amazing book.” She stopped, and nibbled her lip anxiously. “What about you? How are you doing?”
Ethan had closed his eyes. He was tired. It racked him. He could cry. “I’ve been better,” he said.
Adrienne leaned over him, and put her cheek against his hot neck, and her hand on his head. She still gripped his hand in one of hers. “I’m scared,” she whispered. She could feel his fever on her skin, and hear his death rattling up his throat.
His hand, a skeletal feather rested on her back. “That’s okay,” he said. “So am I.”
She could hear him struggling to take in a breath. She sat up some.
“Adrienne.”
“Yes?”
“There’s something I have to tell you. Well. Two things.”
She felt her heart begin to beat somewhat hysterically. “What is it?”
“I love you.”
She narrowed her eyes. “I love you, too,” she said, with caution. She could feel cold sweat break out on her forehead.
“And I’m –I’m going to –None of it’s working.”
Adrienne thought about the ending of I’m going to… Ethan was confined to his hospital bed, so he couldn’t very well say I’m going to a party, or I’m going to take a walk. There was really only one ending. Oh, God. Adrienne felt like she could heave. “What do you mean?”
“Adrienne,” he said, “The chemo. It’s not working.”
“Okay,” she said, her mind racing. She rejected the obvious. “So what are they going to do now?”
His eyes drifted shut. “There’s nothing to do. In a couple weeks –depending- I’ll be going home. “
“I’m confused,” she said, even though she wasn’t.
“There’s nothing left for them to do, Adrienne.” Ethan wished by the force of repetition, they would come to an understanding. He hoped that she would understand, with out him having to explain anything at all.
“So, you mean, that you’re gonna –You’re –You are…” They let the sentence straggle its way to the edge of that cliff, and dive off. They stared at each other, and held hands.
Adrienne didn’t know what to do with herself when she left. She went to a Starbucks across the street, and got a mocha and a cranberry scone. She sat in a seat at the window, and watched it turn dark out, and snow begin to fall. It never seemed like it really got in the middle of snowing. It seemed to be having difficulty just getting started.
It was seven-thirty when she went home. Her mom and dad were in the kitchen, with the news on TV. Her older sister, Vanessa, was most likely locked away in her room, studying for her six AP classes. Her brother, Parker, was probably in the basement smoking pot, and playing some on-line MPG, or whatever the hell it was called.
Adrienne went to her room, and slipped under her covers, and buried her head beneath her pillows. Her chest was throbbing, and her throat was constricted. She would not cry. She had only seen Ethan cry once, when he was in such a vicious pain, that he was barely conscious. Adrienne, however, had cried many times since he’d been sick. She’d cried when the test results came in positive for Leukemia. She’d cried when he started going to chemotherapy. She cried when his hair fell out. She cried for nearly everything that happened to him. She felt weak.
She eventually fell asleep. In her dream she was walking to the hospital. She entered the building, and where there should have been the lobby, was instead a huge black pit. A tall man in an entirely black tux stood at its edge, guarding it, with a velvet rope. He waved Adrienne forward, and unhooked the rope.
“What’s this?” Adrienne asked, peering over the cusp.
The bouncer patted her on the shoulder, as if to console her. “You’ll find out.” The last thing she saw before he gave her a great push off was his glorious flashing smile.
