disappointing discoveries (an excerpt) PG-13

I frowned and turned it over in both hands. The glass was smooth, transparent, cylindrical, and quickly warmed to the touch. My pinky may have fit inside, were it not for the junk stuffed along its hollow middle… strands of copper and… hard, black ash? It was the same stuff that had sat in the sink at the rooster motel. It was drugs.

I dropped to the couch, gripped the pipe in one fist, chewed the nails of another, and struggled to think through the anger that flared so suddenly, so unexpectedly. It was like wading through a thick pond of molasses.

I stared at the tube, scrutinized the tube, blamed the gunk stuffed inside the goddamn tube, what was that stuff anyway? Where is Mom and what is she up to? Maybe it’s not even Mom’s. Could belong to Elliot after all. Yeah, probably was. It must be Elliot’s pot!

Yes, the conclusion was one I could live with, but I knew before the thought even formed that it was just another pretty lie, a red ribbon wrapped around some ugly truth. I stared across the room at my reflection. The girl in glass was frozen troubled. Her mother was off somewhere, lips undoubtedly pressed against a different kind of glass.

“Mom,” I sighed. An unwanted idea surfaced. I pushed it aside, turning over the tube. But no, the evidence was there. The copper was there. And pot… it just doesn’t leave hard black ash behind. Mom was on drugs all right. I bit my lip and stood as Beverly’s freckled face rose from its place in my memory. “It’s just weed, Samantha,” she had soothed. “Just weed.”

I held the pipe in one hand, drew back my arm.
This shit is not weed. This shit kills.
Mom, passed out on the bed. Mom, not waking up-
Her glass collided with that of my mirror image, and cracked.

“God, what am I going to do?” I shouted blindly at the walls, furiously pacing the room, and eventually plopping down beside the shattered fragments. Carefully I picked the crusty glass from the carpet, calming with almost unnerving rapidity. Really, it’s nothing to lose my cool about. Really, it might even belong to Elliot. Or if it is in fact my mother’s, I thought as I wrapped the pieces in tissue, I don’t know that it’s not just weed. And I dropped them, one by one, in the trash. In fact, I don’t care to know.

This was very good for an excerpt! I felt connected with the scene and the characters even though this is (probably) not where the characters are first introduced. It interested me and makes me want to read more, which is a very good sign for any sort of excerpt from a story.

The only gramatical thing I caught...

at the rooster motel.

Should be Rooster Motel if it is the name of the motel.

Also, your main characters thoughts are mixed in with the rest of the actions/story stuff. Now I'm not sure whether there is any actual way this should be written, but every so often you get a thought thrown in that doesn't quite seem to fit.

Example:

And I dropped them, one by one, in the trash. In fact, I don’t care to know.

The "In fact, I don't care to know." feels odd at the end of that. It could probably do better as its own paragraph. Again, I'm unsure if there is any way in which this sort of thing should be done and I may just be weird for noticing it.

Good job, and keep writing!

-Lauren

Hi.
I'm not sure if this is the very beginning or not. If it is, I feel something is missing. Where did she the glass tube? Did she find it on the floor in her house?

As Lauren says, this does not seem to be the introduction of the characters. If it is, though, I think it could work for you. Describe her a little in each scene, so that as we readers are piecing the story together, we are piecing the characters together.

Other than that, there is not much that needs to be fixed...

sammimot wrote:I stared at the tube, scrutinized the tube, blamed the gunk stuffed inside the goddamn tube, what was that stuff anyway?

I believe that you italicise a train of thought, even in first person. Your character is telling us that she was staring at the tube. And, then, this thought crossed her mind. What was the stuff anyway?

sammimot wrote:And pot… it just doesn’t leave hard black ash behind.

sammimot wrote:I don’t know that it’s not just weed.

I'm not going to pretend that I know about drugs. But, if she knows pot doesn't leave hard black ash, than she would know it wasn't just pot.

sammimot wrote:In fact, I don’t care to know.

Nice ending. I see this as the end of a chapter.

So far, it's interesting. I love stories that keep me guessing, and I think you've done that here.

-McMourning