Luna

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I just realized that this should really be in Fantasy Fiction, so the rest of it is in Action/Adventure. This really won't make sense unless you read the rest. Here is the link for the first threeLuna 1 Luna 2 Luna 3
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4
I fought against the darkness, and the pain that accompanied it. My eyelids fluttered as the impending darkness cast shadows over the remaining light in the clearing, but they wouldn’t open under all of my strength. I gave up trying to regain complete consciousness and tried to make sense of all that had transpired. My mind struggled against the murky fog that covered it. As it seemed to lift, a blast of frigid air pierced my skin like icicles. It felt as if my blood was slowly seeping out of all of my pores. I tried to roll over so I could stifle the feeling. My brain refused to work with my body or at all for that matter; I was paralyzed.

Suddenly, I felt something climbing on my legs and over my eyes. My thoughts immediately turned to spiders; my one and only fear. My muscles clinched with the force of the coming scream, but it had to be choked down because there was no way for my body to release it. That’s when I realized I wasn’t breathing and couldn’t even if I tried, but I could still feel my heart beating. It was just a faint flutter in my vhest.

Another quick spasm of agony hit, and it was worse than the others. Two voices penetrated the silence of the clearing. Come this way. Please! Anybody? I pleaded hoping that they, if anyone, could help me.

“We should go this way.” A delicate voice said.

“No, I smell blood. We do not want to disturb a fellow Hunter or heaven forbid a Guardian. Stay with me, and you will continue to be safe.” A gruff, almost patronizing voice told her. Even though he opposed to coming closer, he was unknowingly edging toward me.
“You can’t tell me what to do! I’m going over there, and if you value your safety then you better not get in my way.” She protested like a stubborn child. She stomped closer to me and stopped suddenly. “Oh dear. She’s so young, Nicholas. What should we do?” Their clothes whispered as he comforted her. I could hear her nearly inaudible sobs.

“I told you not to come into this clearing, Amanda. She will be fine in the morning.” He sighed briefly, before his breath choked off in a sort of strangled gasp. “We need to leave. Now! This girl is one of the Guardians. If Jordin were to find out we will lose all respect and be shunned. She told us specifically to stay away from the both of them. The girl will rise soon, and we shan’t be here when she does. Let us go.”

I felt their presence leave as quickly as it came, and I was left to suffer in silence. A rational decision on my part was to stop struggling. I knew I shouldn’t fight what was happening to me. I was resigned to my fate, whatever that would be.

The fog that I had been persistently pushing away crept back over my mind, feeding on what was left of my memory and sanity. I quickly grabbed what I knew to be true, and stored it in a secluded corner of my mind that it didn’t dare encroach on.

It seemed like my body was feeding off of the pain because every time a wave of anguish would submerge me I felt it soak into my bones and diminish completely. Oddly enough I didn’t want it to go away. It refreshed me; I was becoming dependant, and I steeled myself for what I knew was to come. Instead of the mild throbbing I was used to, a rivulet of torturing ecstasy billowed through my body, making my back arch in anguish and a yearning to be awake. It was almost like something was pulling me away from this forest. My back thudded against the grass and pushed air back into me. My lungs struggled with the simple task of breathing, as if I had never taken a breath in my life. Chest trembling from overexertion, I finally rose.
Last edited by pinkangel54123 on Sun Sep 20, 2009 4:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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i really liked your story. It is confusing, and i hope you post more so i can have a better understanding of it. Your description in the first couple paragraphs is miraculous. I felt like i could actually feel the characters pain! i couldnt find any grammar problems, which made me mad because correcting them is my favorite! keep on writing, you have skills!
~Alter
“I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living.” ~ Dr. Suess




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Hi, I'm Hawkie and I'll be your reviewer today. ^^

i. Nit-picks

but they wouldn’t open under all of my strength.


"Under" sounds awkward. I'd rephrase it as "they wouldn't open no matter how hard I tried."

Come this way. Please! Anybody?


Italicize thoughts.

“We should go this way.” A delicate voice said.


Don't capitalize dialogue tags; also, no commas after dialogue. In other words, this should be:

"We should go this way," a delicate voice said.


All fixed. ^^

She stomped closer to me and stopped suddenly.


This sentence feels a bit odd; maybe rephrase it somehow?

If Jordin were to find out we will lose all respect and be shunned.


"And be shunned" also feels awkward. I don't think he'd actually say that; "lose all respect" will suffice.

making my back arch in anguish and a yearning to be awake.


Bad sentence construction. "A yearning to be awake" is a subject. It should have a verb to go with it, but it doesn't. Rephrase it as something like "A yearning to be awake filled me."

ii. Overall

Your writing style is very vivid. I love it.

Here is where I admit I haven't read the previous installments, so I can't comment much on plot or character. =.= I'll be sure to catch up if I review the next installment.

Beautiful work. Keep it up! :smt003

-Hawks-



Well, the only way to start is by starting
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