Lucain & Wihara: Privat Investigation Chapter 1 Pt.2

OK, I'm sorry that I split the first chapter into 2. I don't write a lot at once. Sorry. Anyway, if anybody disliked it more than the 1st part, please don't hesitate to say so.
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I got to Soul Calorie Street, and immediately noticed that I was being followed. I sighed, forewarning the follower that he had it coming to him.
“What do you want?” I snapped.
“What are you buying, stranger?” the following man asked in a wheezy voice, opening his trench-cloak. It revealed herbs and slips of paper, small sticks of scented ashwood, a smell that could have knocked someone out, and a small, bleary-eyed serebia.
“Please help! He captured four of my friends and me, and the charms make me feel nauseous! For the love of Danny, help!” it screeched, tiny blue-grey arms reaching out, black lips stretched in despair. The charm-dealer stuffed it inside a much thicker, wriggling pocket.
“Just leave me alone. I have enough to deal with,” I muttered, disturbed at the sight of the delicate faerie. I like serebiata. They don’t make judgments, and they’re so small, they’re almost insignificant. I’ve heard that there are restaurants here in this godless street, that serve serebia and noodles. Somehow, I feel I should rip out this guy’s throat, but, as usual, I just look away and pretend that I didn’t see it.

The guy was still following me when I got to the ‘For Sale’ shop Coda had wrote about. She’d already put up a notice: ‘Lucain and Wihara Privat Investigation are thinking of buying’. It seemed to have put off the few potential buyers.
“Oh, Lucain, is it? That’s a werewolf name,” the charm-dealer sniggered. I had started drawing up an identification portrait in my head; a little more digging, and who knows what I could find, apart from a house reeking of charms?
“Lycan,” I murmured. He had eyebrows of a shaggy, droopy sort, yeah...
“Touchy, aren’t ya?” he taunted. His teeth were brown, like coffee. And his nose was sort of long and straight...
“Shut it,” I snarled. Although, then again, it wouldn’t be that straight, it would be buried under his face, after I rammed my fist into it.
“Ooh, take a chill-charm, won’t ya? Actually, I think I have one of those...” he mumbled, patting his pockets, rustling through them.
I was wondering when I should punch him, when a welcome sight came rushing up to me; a sprite-mail.
It was a different one; this one was older, the fangs fully formed, his eyes solemn and cynical. His uniform was rumpled, and he displayed a bored, narcissistic look.
“You montylucain@spritemail.cty?” he said, examining his fingernails.
“Oh, thank Arcadia,” I said under my breath. “Yeah. This is from codan3cromanc3r@spritemail.cty?”
“Dur, no. Of course it is. Who else would it be?” he retorted, smirking. I would have preferred the young idiot to this jerk.
“Well?” I asked, noticing that the charm-dealer was edging ever so closely to my money-bag. “One more step and I’ll rip your throat out.” The charm-dealer scowled, and, seeing I meant it, walked away.
“Well, if we’re quite ready...” the sprite sneered, continuing in a purr, unlike the official voice the first sprite had used;
“Dear Monty Lucain,
Well? Sorry, I really want to know whether you’re OK with it. Please say yes. Pretty please?”
I paused, looking back to the shop. It was clean, and nothing smelt too bad. The windows weren’t broken, the door wasn’t smashed. It stood out in being perfect.
“I’d like to reply: Coda, sure. It looks good.”

Back at the apartment, much later, I looked around. I’d cleared away the smashed wood, and replaced the furniture they used to be with cheaper alternatives. A bean bag, a box, a small part-time ice-spirit instead of a fridge full of full-time ice-spirits, you know.
“How did I come to this?”
“You probably shouldn’t have gotten fired from that job in the police service,” Derek, the ice-spirit, pointed out.
I’d been telling him my troubles for half an hour; telling him about Marian, about the kids, about Coda Wihara, about Soul Calorie Street, about the charm-dealer, about how I punched the Commissioner in the face for ‘calling me a werewolf’.
I know. I shouldn’t have snapped. I should have kept my head down. Maybe Marian and the kids would still be here. Maybe Coda Wihara wouldn’t have been chosen me when she started her search for ex-police officers. Maybe it was all my fault.
But, hell, I just roll with it. Live one day at a time, all those useless proverbs from the monks of Danny, the purple elephant god, right? Yeah. Derek doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

Yo Hero

Here are some of my thoughts on the second part of the chapter:

First person narration: So, the first thing that struck me weird in the chapter was the following line:

I sighed, forewarning the follower that he had it coming to him.

This was followed by a:

“What do you want?” I snapped.

and barely two lines later this:

“Just leave me alone. I have enough to deal with,” I muttered

And there are numerous other examples of what I am about to point out throughout the piece.

As a first person narrator, it's your job to become the persona. You have to describe everything as he would see it. This means that anything that he does consciously and purposefully you will tell us about. Anything that is subconscious and he wouldn't notice, you will stay at least ten feet away from. Sighing is something that you do subconsciously. So are snapping and muttering. You would therefore not describe it to us.

So, you might ask, "What do I write to describe my tone within dialogue if I can't utilize terms that describe my subconscious tone?" The answer is simple: the dialogue itself should describe the tone. Your words should be emotive enough without the use of fancy dialogue tags. Simply use strong dialogue together with the words "said" and "asked" and you will successfully convey your tone without jeopardizing the credibility of your persona or removing our attention from the dialogue itself. And yes, I know that many English teachers, mine included, condemn the repetition of the word said, but they haven't been published. Famous award-winning writers such as Orson Scott Card advise sticking to the simple words that your eyes just read over.

Connecting with your audience: One of the most effective ways of putting a point across so that your audience can relate to it is to show a bit of drive in your story. Right now, I find your story fairly sporadically scattered around in bits and pieces and it seems more like humorous ramblings than a story. So, I happen to be one person who likes reading humorous ramblings, but I still, like most people, prefer to read a solid story. You need to work on developing a drive and trying to move with each sentence towards attaining what you want to within the story. This is quite important to maintaining an audience for as long as you can.

Within this category comes the building of characters who we can relate to clearly. Now, you're great at developing character, but we're only getting a caricature. You need to develop more than this one-sided personality of his. We need to see him in all different situations that test him and show us his true colors. If you don't do this your character will become boring fairly quickly. It might take one chapter, or if you're lucky three or four, but we will eventually lose our amazement at your character's single side. I'd like to see a bit more depth.

Still, you write an entertaining piece of humor, and for now at least, you've got me in your grips. Yes, I am thoroughly enjoying reading your story.

Have a great one!

Here as requested! Sorry I took so long. I'm not really a multi-chapter person, but I'll give you a quick one here. Nitpicks first.

I sighed, forewarning the follower that he had it coming to him.

Reads very awkwardly, especially with "forewarning" in proximity with a colloquial phrase like "had it coming to him" (*uses lots of pretentious long words*). So, I'd just replace "forewarning" with "warning" or "letting the follower know". Even replace "follower", which is awkward, with "stalker", if you're prepared to go that over the top.

“What are you buying, stranger?” the following man

Definitely cut "following" here, because it reads like you've used its other meaning, i.e. the man after the other. Plus, don't you think we could have some description, or at least a quick once over, here?

“Oh, Lucain, is it? That’s a werewolf name,” the charm-dealer sniggered.

How come he assumes it's Lucain he's talking to and not Wihara?

It was a different one;

You need "sprite" here rather than "one".

displayed a bored, narcissistic look.

Replace "displayed" with "had". As Master_Yoda said in the earlier review, sometimes the simpler words work better.

It stood out in being perfect.

That doesn't quite make sense. Besides, how is it perfect simply because it isn't trashed?

Back at the apartment, much later, I looked around.

Looked around what? It reads like you're still talking about the shop.

replaced the furniture they used to be

I'd just change this to "replaced the old furniture".

Maybe Coda Wihara wouldn’t have been chosen me

As above.

Okay, that's about it. Sorry, but then, I couldn't find too much, so that must be good.

I didn't notice it when I first read through, but Yoda's right about the dialogue tags. Sometimes said just does it for you, and sometimes you don't even need that. Dialogue tags are used a) to show the reader who's speaking and b) to describe the tone of voice. If the dialogue itself already gives b) away, then you can use "said", and maybe add an action to the tag instead of an adverb. The other one, a), is trickier, because you need to remind the reader at intervals about who's speaking. Again, often it's quite obvious from what they're saying. Dialogue and speech tags work together, so don't focus all your attention on one. That's my advice, anyways.

I actually love your characterisation, and the humour is spot on. You're doing well to avoid the infodumps at the moment, considering the atmosphere and world you've thrown us into, but be wary of bottling it all up and then spewing out a huge amount of information in later chapters.

That's about it from me. I wish I could have been more helpful, but this is great. I think Master_Yoda's given you some food for thought, though, so rather than repeat it all, I'll sign off. Keep it up.