Confusion [Prologue]

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Okay. So this is my first posting on here. I've had this idea for a while so I finally wrote it down. Any comments, reviewing, you know, the normal would be great! Oh! This is hilarious! Must put these here! :thud: :elephant: They so describe me!


Prologue

“We’ll be back soon,” Eliza whispered to the babysitter.
“Don’t worry about us. Have fun,” the young girl told Eliza and her husband Rick.
“Goodbye,” Rick whispered and tenderly kissed his daughter’s head.
“Have a good time!” the cheerful fifteen year old called as the couple walked out the door. Snow fell gently on the ground as the couple walked to their black car. They climbed into the leather seats and drove through the blanket of white snow to a big black house.
Rick opened the passenger door for his wife and grasped her small pale hand. “You look beautiful,” he whispered and softly kissed her cheek. He led her to the door and knocked, almost immediately a red headed woman opened the door.
“Eliza! Rick!” she exclaimed and embraced the couple.
“Oh Grace! Thank you so much for inviting us!” Eliza gushed.
“Hey Rick!” a green eyed honey blond haired man clapped his hand on Rick’s back.
“Chris! How’s everything been?” Rick asked, and Chris led him into the room where the party was being held.
“So, where’s this amazing little daughter I’ve heard about?” Eliza asked her friend.
“Oh, she’s asleep, but we could sneak a peak,” Grace smiled and immediately a knock at the door was answered.
“Tanya! I thought you wouldn’t be able to make it!” Grace said.
“Tanya?” Eliza asked, unsure.
“Eliza! It’s been so long!” Eliza hugged Tanya and a conversation was suddenly flaming.
“Well, we were just going to peak up at-”a crying took the women from their conversation. “Oh, there she goes,” Grace said and began up the stairs with her friends following close behind.
Grace cracked open the door and walked in the room. The crying came from a small cradle near the corner. “Oh, my little girl,” she whispered and picked up the baby.
“Oh, she is such a sweet little thing, she even has your red hair,” Eliza crooned.
“Have you decided on a name?” Tanya asked, stroking the baby’s red hair.
“Not quite yet. We want something unique, but we can’t think of anything!” Grace laughed, and suddenly the little girl’s eyes peeled open.
“Oh, she has Chris’s green eyes!” Eliza whispered. That was when Grace caught a glimpse at Eliza’s face.
“Eliza! What- What happened?” Grace took one hand from her daughter and almost touched Eliza’s eye.
Eliza pulled away. “Nothing,” she whispered.
“Eliza,” Tanya whispered and grabbed Eliza’s hand. Eliza winced and tried to pull away but Tanya held a firm grip.
There were scars on Eliza’s wrist, like whip marks and burns. “Eliza…Has Rick been beating you?”
“It’s really nothing,” Eliza finally managed to pull away from Tanya’s firm grasp.
“Please Eliza, you’re our best friend, tell us what’s going on,” Grace soothed Eliza.
“I told you, it’s nothing, he just drinks a little more than usual, and it’s nothing I can’t handle,” Eliza replied.
Suddenly, screams rose to the staircase and fear ran in Eliza’s eyes.
“Rick! Stop! Please, don't do this,” Tanya’s husband Mark told Rick.
“Please Rick. Think about our children!” Grace heard Chris’s voice call.
“Not a chance Chris,” they heard Rick snarl and a gunshot was heard throughout the house.
“Chris!” Grace screamed. The baby in her arms began crying.
Eliza ran down the stairs, and shoved herself up against Rick. “Rick! Stop! This has gone too far!”
Rick stared into his wife’s blue eyes that were now filling with tears. “Please,” she whispered, “please stop.”
Rick lowered his gun and Eliza felt the cold metal against her breast. “Rick, don’t,” tears fell down her face.
“Eliza, I’m sorry,” Eliza closed her eyes as she heard the click of the gun cocking and felt pain fly through her breast.
“Rick,” she whispered before she fell to the ground motionless.
Rick looked at the top of the stairs where Grace and Tanya stared at him with disbelief. “Rick…” Grace whispered and Rick turned his gaze to the tiny bundle in Grace’s arms. “Give her to me,” he whispered.
Grace shook her head and ran down the stairs and out the door before Rick could stop her, Tanya close behind.
“Save your twins Tanya, he’ll go after them too,” she whispered. Tanya turned the corner and ran the other direction.
“This is the only way,” Grace whispered and kissed her crying baby’s head. She searched through the buildings and found the sign she was looking for. “Goodbye, my little girl,” she kissed the baby’s head one last time and dashed off into the night.
“Hello Grace,” a cold voice said and appeared Rick.
“Rick, how could you? How could you do this?” she cried.
“Now that you know my secret, and my identity, I can’t let you get away,” he cocked the gun.
“Kill me then, you won’t ever get my child!”
“What? Where is she Grace?”
“Somewhere where she will be safe from you!”
“I’m not so sure about that Grace,” he growled and pulled the trigger. Grace fell onto the cold cement and drew in a deep breath. “Why Rick?” she asked. “Why?” before she fell into darkness.

“Tanya!” a voice called her name as she opened her door.
“Oh Mark! He’s coming! We have to hide them!”
“I know, let’s go,” he whispered, but the door burst open and there stood Rick.
“Where are the children Tanya?” he hissed.
“You won’t ever find them!” she yelled.
Rick snarled with frustration and dashed up the stairs. He ran into a room and found two babies nestled in the cradle.
He quickly grabbed one, pulling out his gun, he walked down the stairs, pointing it at Tanya and Mark. “Stand back, and the other one will still be spared.”
Tanya ran up the stairs, shoving past Rick and checked the cradle. She came out holding the other baby. “Mark! He has Hope!” she cried.
“Let her go Rick!” Mark called and tried to grab Hope from his grasp.
A gunshot echoed around the house and Mark fell to the ground, groaning in pain, blood streaming from his leg.
“Mark!” Tanya cried. Rick ran down the stairs and out the door, but Tanya didn’t seem to notice. She rushed to Mark and cried over him.
“Tanya, he’s gone,” he breathed. Tanya turned to the stairs and finally saw Rick was gone. She quickly ran to the door and saw no sight of Rick whatsoever.
“Hope!” she cried. “Hope! No! Not my baby, my baby…” she whispered and snuggled the other baby near her breast.
“Hope,” she whispered, her tears fell on her pale baby’s face, making her stir. “Oh my baby, you’re sister’s gone, I’m so sorry...this has gone too far...oh Eliza, Grace...what do I do now?”
Last edited by Forestqueen808 on Sat Sep 19, 2009 2:51 am, edited 1 time in total.
Sorrow lasts through this night
I'll take this piece of you,
and hold for all eternity
For just one second I felt whole... as you flew right through me.


~Sorrow by Flyleaf




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Wow that is amazing. But I don't understand it. You should have made it out like Rick looked evil or something about him wasn't right from the beginning.
I'm interested though.




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It's an interesting start, but i think you've introduced too many characters too quickly. A couple of times I was getting Grace and Eliza mixed up, and I had to go back to see who's baby it was and things like that. Maybe cut out one man and one woman. Since Minny isn't playing any important role, don't give us her name. Just call her the babysitter, so we don't have to remember as many names.

I'll also say right out that I don't like the idea of killing off characters this early in a story. Authors kill characters to cause a powerful emotional experience within the reader, but this can only happen if the reader is emotionally attached to the character, and this can only happen if they've spent time with the character. If the main character's going to be Tanya, it may be better to reveal this chapter as a flashback once the reader actually cares about Tanya more.

The other issue I had is that the characters don't act very intelligently or realistically. For example, after seeing what Rick's done so far, Mark says "let her go Rick."
What was he thinking? Rick's going to change his mind and apologise or something? Realistically, he'd either attack Rick with a knife or chair or wooden spoon or his fists; or hide.

I'd like to see a little more of the characters' fear. You do show fear at some points like when Rick had the gun pointed up against Eliza. Others seem devoid of emotion, such as:
“Rick! Stop! Please, put that away,” Tanya’s husband Mark told Rick.
“Please Rick,” Grace heard Chris’s voice call.

If someone pulled a gun on you, you'd probably run, attack or turn into a cowering ball, not try and negotiate with them.

I hope this advice has been helpful.
Q: Where do you go to buy shoes?

A: At the shoez canal, lol.




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Thanks you guys I'll work on it! :elephant: :thud:




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Hippie's comment makes mine look like a unborn baby at the age of six weeks.



Why do we only rest in peace? Why don't we live in peace too?
— Alison Billet