Eden

The first man dies in Copenhagen.

Fifty years of neglect have finally taken their toll on the body of Lars Jensen; fat has been building up inside his arteries over decades of abuse and today it is going to kill him. Lars is rushed into hospital because his body is giving up; the defibrillator hums as it charges and then Lars convulses as the shock shudders through his body, muscles contracting all at once before they stop still. His heart continues to beat its uneven rhythm, different parts thumping out of synch with each other, refusing to co-operate. They shock him again but his heart carries on dancing lop-sided steps regardless.

And at 3:26, Lars is pronounced.

An hour passes and he lies in the chilled chambers of the morgue; lips slightly parted, tinged the colour blue. Silence fills the white-tiled walls, the low conversation of orderlies and squeak of trolley wheels permeating the dead noise only ever-so occasionally.

But there is a spark, a flash, one slight electrical impulse and the quiet is gone.

Lars does not want to stay dead.

Screaming shatters the silence, cold fists pounding on steel doors, all incomprehensible noise and rage and fury and lust. His neighbours do not answer him; they stay still, cold, dead. His fingers end as bloody stumps through futile attempts to claw out of this metal cage. There is that scent, so close and so fresh that he can feel it is only meters away. The urge is insatiable, the longing to taste and eat so strong that it consumes him, and he throws himself into a frenzy to break free.

His heart beats wildly, erratically, but falters once more. Individual pieces refusing to co-operate and connect.

And at 4:52, Lars dies all over again.


___
I know that regarding heart attacks this is terribly inaccurate, but I have been separated from my biology textbooks for the past few months and this shall be rectified as soon as we are re-united.

Any comments on style would be particularly appreciated, as I'm not entirely sure if I think this works.

First off: I love the concept. Awesome idea, fish.

little tin fish wrote:The first man dies in Copenhagen.

Fifty years of neglect have finally taken their toll on the body of Lars Jensen; fat has been building up inside his arteries over decades of abuse and today it is going to kill him. Lars is rushed into hospital because his body is giving up; the defibrillator hums as it charges and then Lars [I don't like the use of the word "then" in this sentence. I would nix it. Also, you've already used the name Lars at the beginning of the sentence, so I think it'd sound better if you simply replaced it with "he".] convulses as the shock shudders through his body, muscles contracting all at once before they stop still. His heart continues to beat its uneven rhythm, different parts thumping out of synch with each other, refusing to co-operate. [Nice.] They shock him again but his heart carries on dancing lop-sided steps regardless.

And at 3:26, Lars is pronounced. [I would lose the "and" here. A bit more dramatic, yeah? Also, pronounced what? Dead? Or I'm guessing that maybe you left it out on purpose - I dunno.]

An hour passes and he lies in the chilled chambers of the morgue; lips slightly parted, tinged the colour blue. [Great imagery. I like the use of alliteration, too.] Silence fills the white-tiled walls, the low conversation of orderlies and squeak of trolley wheels permeating the dead noise only ever-so occasionally.

But there is a spark, a flash, one slight electrical impulse and the quiet is gone. [Again, nice.]

Lars does not want to stay dead.

Screaming shatters the silence, cold fists pounding on steel doors, all incomprehensible noise and rage and fury and lust. [Lust for what? I'm not so sure that lust fits well in this sentence - I'd leave it at noise/rage/fury. Three's company and four is a crowd, amirite?] His neighbours do not answer him; they stay still, cold, dead. [LOVE this. It's just... so... blunt! Cold, hard, honest...]His fingers end as bloody stumps through futile attempts to claw out of this metal cage. There is that scent, so close and so fresh that he can feel it is only meters away. The urge is insatiable, the longing to taste and eat so strong that it consumes him, and he throws himself into a frenzy to break free.

His heart beats wildly, erratically, but falters once more. Individual pieces refusing to co-operate and connect.

And at 4:52, Lars dies all over again. [Now, I like the use of "and" this time around. This is purely opinion - it just sounds better as is, I think.]


___
I know that regarding heart attacks this is terribly inaccurate, but I have been separated from my biology textbooks for the past few months and this shall be rectified as soon as we are re-united.

Any comments on style would be particularly appreciated, as I'm not entirely sure if I think this works.

Also, I have no idea about heart attacks, so no worries there.

Comments on style?
Well, I liked the use of present-tense. That's a hard thing to pull off, and in my opinion you did it rather nicely. It made the story much more climactic (which is difficult in itself, seeing how short this piece is) and the ending turned out well because of it. As you can see, I really didn't have much to say about the story itself - but the idea of it is fantastic. It's a very dark concept that most people wouldn't even think to write about.
I mean really... dying again? Whilst in a morgue? That's gruesome, fish. But actually "deep" in a sense. After reading this, I'm left thinking, "Oh Jesus, I wonder if this has ever happened before?"
The way you've told it in this story makes it seem rather plausible. So now I hope I don't die of a heart attack for fear I'll wake up in a body bag.

So most of this was me rambling, but I enjoyed this very much! If I had to say something constructive, it would be that you don't have to pack description into drawn-out sentences. In fact, it's often a good thing (especially to readers) to sprinkle your piece with short, clipped sentences. In some cases, few words can make the biggest impact.

Style was great, concept was great... all in all, this definitely worked! Gold star from anti-pop.


Meg

Hey this works pretty well for a short piece. It probably wouldn't have worked with a different POV, so good choice there. Some damn fine descriptions in this:

His heart continues to beat its uneven rhythm, different parts thumping out of synch with each other, refusing to co-operate. They shock him again but his heart carries on dancing lop-sided steps regardless.

I'm always impressed by short stories like this because for some reason I can't write them anymore.

-Barrett

little tin fish wrote:Screaming shatters the silence, cold fists pounding on steel doors, all incomprehensible noise and rage and fury and lust. His neighbours do not answer him; they stay still, cold, dead. His fingers end as bloody stumps through futile attempts to claw out of this metal cage. There is that scent, so close and so fresh that he can feel it is only meters away. The urge is insatiable, the longing to taste and eat so strong that it consumes him, and he throws himself into a frenzy to break free.

His heart beats wildly, erratically, but falters once more. Individual pieces refusing to co-operate and connect.

I especially like this part going into detail, I love it =]
It was very good

-It's been a long time since I came back to yws.com

you were much better at describing than me. the only Problem I saw was that when you wrote "neighbours" you spelled it wrong. The right way to spell it is neighbors. You were very detailed. "And at 3:26, Lars is pronounced." I don't think you have to write a,. I think you should keep writing.