Drive Through.

“Hello may I take your order?” a woman asked me.

I was in the drive through at the Wendy’s just down the street from my house. It wasn’t one of the best looking Wendy’s, what with it’s stained walls and the burnt out “W” on the sign, but I was hungry and it was what my wife was craving.

My wife was eight months pregnant at the time, carrying my first daughter. I couldn’t be more excited to become a father.

“Can I get two bacon cheese burger meals, one with a coke, one with a ice tea? And a large frosty,” I shouted into the speaker.

I waited to hear the woman repeat what I had ordered, like they always did. Two minutes passed and I was about to repeat my order when the woman started talking to someone else.

“What happened?” the woman asked.

“Her husband isn’t home. She said he was at a friends,” the man answered. The man had the deepest voice I had ever heard.

“Oh so did you do it?”

“I’m going to let you guess,” he answered with a chuckle.

“You did it,” the woman laughed.

“Yeah and she was pregnant so it was a two in one.”

“Oh extra points. So what are you at then?” the woman sneered.

“Fifteen, give or take a few,” the man answered with another chuckle.

“Ah well we’re tied then. Draw breaker is the husband okay?”

“Wonderful. I already have a head start though.”

“Oh and what’s that?” the woman asked and coughed.

“I already have the house key.”

Silence followed after that and I took the silence as my chance to get away. And go home. I had absolutely no idea what the couple was talking about, but just by the tone of their voices, it didn’t sound pretty.

After a short drive, I was home. Weirdly my lights were off and the screen door was wide open. It was already dark outside and the street lights were on, which added to the mood.
As I slowly opened my car door I had the feeling to get back in the car and drive away as fast as I could. Then I remembered my wife and unborn child were inside waiting for me. I was sure my wife would get upset about not bringing home food, but I would explain to her the conversation I over heard.

Once I opened the door and stepped inside my house, I didn’t hear the regular welcome I usually got from the wife. This worried me.

I walked farther into the house, not flicking on the lights, too afraid of what I would find.
Finally I made it to the bathroom and noticed the light was on inside. I slowly opened the door to find my wife lying on the ground, not moving. On her chest was a note that read:

“Your next.”

Hey there!
I am Incognito, and I am here to review your work today.
Shall we begin?

I. Nit-Picking

I couldn’t be more excited to become a father.

~The reason why I picked this out is because of the tenses. Through the rest of the story, you are talking like it already happened, yet ‘couldn’t be’ is more present tense. You could easily change that by just saying ‘couldn’t have been’. It still has the same effect, but I think it adds more to the actual foreboding of the piece.

“Her husband isn’t home.

~It should be ‘her husband wasn’t home’. You switched up the tenses a bit there.

“Her husband isn’t home. She said he was at a friends,” the man answered. The man had the deepest voice I had ever heard.

~This confused me at first because you made it seem like she invited him into her house. I don’t think that would have happened unless it was some kind of affair going on. But I don’t think that would work out.

~The reason why I love this part is because of how deceiving it is. I thought it was an affair; I had no idea that it was a murdering scheme. What I find the most impacting was that she lied for his protection, so that he hopefully wouldn’t be hurt. So that the murderer wouldn’t just wait there for him to come home. I love how you did this. It works well.

~The only thing I want to say though is that it may not make much sense. I read this twice, so it made a whole lot of sense the second time around. Either you can clearly state that she lied for him some how, or you can take the risk and hope that the reader will read it twice for more impact. It is up to you. I wrote a piece where it made more sense the second time around, and I believe it is one of the best pieces of work I have ever written.

Silence followed after that and I took the silence as my chance to get away. And go home.

~I believe this should actually be one sentence. It would work better that way.

~Secondly, I don’t like the first line because it seems a little bit off. I understand why he would leave if the discussion was over, but taking silence as a cue to go away when he was ordering food? I would have been wigged out, but order again anyways knowing my wife was back home waiting for me. I think it would have played out great if he actually saw the woman’s face. That way it could have been a great thrill when ever he saw her in the actual continuation of this story.

It was already dark outside and the street lights were on, which added to the mood.

~I don’t like the ‘added to the mood’. You don’t give a clear expression of what the man is feeling, and when ever I think of that saying, I think of total opposites. Why not describe it a bit, saying how the mist made it look haunting, a man stood by the lamppost at the corner. Describe the beating of his heart, his feelings, his thoughts. I think you could make it fantastic.

I didn’t hear the regular welcome I usually got from the wife.

~I kind of laughed here. ‘the wife’. How much affection does he feel for his wife that he won’t even call her his own? xD

I would change that to ‘my’. It would sound better. You see where I am coming from?

I walked farther into the house, not flicking on the lights, too afraid of what I would find.

~Dude, I would have been flicking on every light. I would have been so paranoid that something would jump me from behind the next turn. I really do like this part because it adds the foreboding feeling the reader gets. They can connect a bit with the character here.

I slowly opened the door to find my wife lying on the ground, not moving.

~Be gruesome! Don’t mind what readers think. We love that kind of thing. How did the guy kill her? Was there stab wounds? Blood? Any signs of rape? Describe the scene, and when doing that you can describe it almost frantically like the husband after seeing his wife dead on the floor. He would have been looking at every detail, or he would have turned away not looking at all. It just depends on what kind of character he is.

You have a great opportunity to juice the story of what it is worth to get the reader fully hooked. I think that this is my favourite part, (I like the depressing and horrifying junk). I believe it just adds to the tension, and you could make it amazing. It is great now, but take that extra step.

II. Grammar and Punctuation

“Hello may I take your order?” a woman asked me.

The ‘a’ should be capitalized because even though it is dialogue, the question mark still acts as ending of the sentence punctuation. The same rules apply.

what with it’s stained walls

Your ‘it’s’ should actually be ‘its’. Because it is such a big thing to explain, I will explain it after I am done this.

“Oh so did you do it?”

There should be a comma after ‘oh’. The pause is deemed necessary, and I think it would sound better.

“Ah well we’re tied then. Draw breaker is the husband okay?”

You should add a comma after ‘ah’, and the ‘husband’. The pauses are deemed necessary, and it would also give the better effect of someone actually talking.

As I slowly opened my car door I had the feeling to get back in the car and drive away as fast as I could.

You should add a comma after ‘car door’. It makes more sense that way.

but I would explain to her the conversation I over heard.

‘over heard’ is supposed to be one word.

It’s its it.
The problem with these words is that their way of being written as possession is different then the rest. It is an exception. ‘It’s’ though it may seem like the possessive, is not actually. It just means ‘It is’. ‘Its’ is the possessive. It is hard to remember, but try to memorize my little phrase up above. It helps because it actually makes sense. xD

Overall
Your grammar and punctuation and grammar is excellent. There was barely any errors, and the errors I picked up on were simple ones that only very nit-picky people would pick up on. Good Job.

III. Character Development

I actually really do like your main character. You gave him some personality behind it. It is really hard to get personality into a character when you write in first person, but it is possible. You have to go with the thoughts and actions to help get the characters personality out. It also helps with how you describe things. You can make your character an awesome person. You just have to blend the right adjectives in the description, and you are on your way.

You have to remember to give your character odd quirks, maybe a couple bad traits. Things that would make your character unique and unlike all the other characters out there. I am very attached to characters and how people make them because I like to connect with them. Readers always subconsciously connect with the characters and that is a very important thing to make your characters able to connect to. Nobody is the same, everybody is unique.

Another thing I want you to spend a little bit more time doing, is describing the other characters in your piece so that you could get a glimpse of their characteristics and their appearances. I have no idea what they look like at this moment in time. I think what you could do is make him see the woman’s face as I have said before. I think it would add a whole new dimension. Then for the wife, you can have some random thoughts of her, how ever she looks like. And at the end, you have a perfect chance to describe her farther. Describe how she looks crumpled on the floor, face smeared with blood, hair tangled and matted. Make it interesting and easier for the reader.

What you also should try to do is get the appearances blended in with the actions. Like describe how he tucks her hair behind her ear. You have a perfect chance to describe her face, and the colour of her hair. You have to find moments like that so that you don’t info dump.

IV. Writing Format

You have some very nice writing. I like how it is so simplistic, but it is that same aspect that I think you need to work on. I believe you need to get more descriptions in there of the world around them, including them. It does matter. Setting is one of the most important things when you write. I believe that you had a bit of description in the beginning with was fairly good, but when he is approaching the house, I think you could get more in depth with it and metaphorical, get some similes in there. I believe you could make your story something great if you get more descriptions in there.

Next thing I have to say is that I love you dialogue. It is not static at all, and I believe it is very realistic. You made it sound pretty awesome.

Though I have one more point, and it is the most important point. I believe you should write this piece in third piece because I feel that it is lacking in the feelings that first person should be written with. You need to get more into it, playing with the five senses; sight, hearing, taste, smell, and sense of feeling. You need to blend that in with your descriptions, all reflecting how he feels, I think it would be awesome. When you write in first person, you have to be intimate, and connect emotionally with the character. I believe you should get the reader to connect emotionally with the character. Get into the characters thoughts and feelings. Describe what he thinks when the lady isn’t responding. Annoyed? Angry? Is he not very caring? You have to make it more personalized.

V. Overall

I really do like your story. It gives it a great foreboding feeling and it plays with emotions which is a great thing for it to do. I believe this story could be something great, especially if you continue it.

Though there is one problem I find. I don’t think that murderers would be having a casual conversation in a Wendy’s, when there is customers. It seems not very realistic. What you could do to make this work is have him have to go inside the building, and then overhear the conversation as he is in the washroom or standing in line. Something of that sort. It would have the same effect, yet there wouldn’t be the plot holes in how the characters wouldn’t turn off the microphone. I believe it could be awesome.

You have a great story here that plays with all the emotions, and I think this could be absolutely amazing if you just had some more description, a bit more characterization, and keep your dialogue. This story has the potential to be great.

I hope to see more of your work, and if there is more to this story and you plan on posting it, I would love to read it.
~Incognito

Okay, this story was nice. A bit depressing but not bad. I think that you should describe it more. Describe the what he thought when he came home or since you want to end it of with "your next", you could express what he felt like on the way home. Just little things to build up suspence and I think it would be nice if you make the conversation longer too. Well not bad anyway..=)

it sounds like it could be good, but you pulled a 'war of the worlds'.
you jumped into the fun part too fast. I cant imagine anything in my mind. You are supposed to leave some room for the reader to imagine the story herself, but i was so confused i didnt know what to think.
The ending really facinated me though! You seem to have a good idea going for you.

The ending certainly took me by surprise. A bit too much of a surprise, perhaps. It seemed a bit unrealistic, really. Perhaps that might be due to how quickly things turned into murder. I would recommend a bit more detailed and tense of a build-up. And I agree with Incognito that a killer having an open conversation about his kill at Wendy's (and over the microphone, no less) seems unrealistic and improbable.

But you do have a good grasp of making dialogue sound realistic and interesting. I most certainly felt for the main character, as you imbue him with realistic, sympathy-garnering emotions and traits.