Being Out of Place

The pain isn't that bad.
The walks aren't that long.
The plot isn't that sad.
But the vibe is all wrong.

I can't hit the right note.
I can't get the right beat.
I want to jump off something,
Feel the air under my feet.

My hair is filled with knots.
My clothes smell like cigarette.
I'm pounding my guitar.
My skin is being shed.

I'm spinning round and round.
I feel you tug on my stained shirt.
They all give me looks.
I'm the furthest from alert.

I'm jumping but not leaving the ground.
I say things I don't mean.
A whisper is a loud sound.
I feel a spotlight on me.

I'm out of place.

I really like this. I'll give it a proper review later because I'm in a rush at the mo. I like the clever rhymes, and the rhythm is good too!

Wow! I really liked your clever rhymes in this! I loved the general flow of the poem too, I can easily identify with the character. I was out of place last year at school, having just broken up with my best friend, and therefore made a lot of enemies considering it wasn't just my fault. being out of place sure does suck, and if you're writing from experience all I can say is that it'll get better soon x

Keep writing!!

Pgsgirl x

Hello.

I really like your poem. The rhythm is very nice and the voice is great. The emotion of "being out of place" is also great. I can feel the character's feelings.

My favorite lines are, "I can't hit the right note. I can't get the right beat." It reminds me of some difficult times that I had in my life. However, in time it all gets better.

(: Good Job

--CuteBalletDancer

Hey there!

Ok, so this is a lovely poem. You did wonderfully with the rhyme in most of it, which is unusual so I commend you for that. However, in the last two stanzas I felt like you lost the rhythm and flow a little bit. The rhyme in the penultimate stanza feels kind of forced, and the rhythm feels very off in the last stanza. I don't recommend that you scratch the rhyme scheme or anything, but I would tighten it up a bit more in those stanzas.

But you've done really well with this! I loved it!

~Amy

Hi,

this has a nice little beat that I might consider more for lyrics. These could possibly be lyrics too.

But as Amy said, the last two stanzas put it to fault. The rhyme gets tiring quickly and you sort of lose grasp of it. It becomes forced and throttled out. I recommend cutting those last two stanzas.

But that's a personal choice. Good Luck,

Kamas

You start out with a standard rhyme scheme of ABAB and then only one stanza later switch to a -A-A rhyming scheme, and then no rhyming for the third stanza, and then -A-A for the fourth, and A-A- for the last stanza. Pick a rhyme scheme and stick with it.

I would actually suggest just not rhyming at all. Almost all the time, rhyming in a poem isn't a good idea, since it just makes the poem feel more forced and usually the writer changes things around just to get a rhyme in there. You do this with "I feel you tug on my stained shirt/I'm the furthest from alert". Not meaning to be rude, but that really is a painfully obvious forced rhyme. "furthest from alert"? It just sticks out like a sore thumb that's bleeding all over the place, with several neon signs pointing at it.

The ending seems abrupt, and the reader is left wondering "Why end it there?" You present a series of vaguely connected statements about your life, and then instead of tying them all up you end it suddenly with "I'm out of place.", which is, frankly, kind of unneeded.

On the other hand, I liked a lot of your word choices and phrases, such as "I want to jump off something, Feel the air under my feet." and "My hair is filled with knots. My clothes smell like cigarette." They suggest a frenetic, fast-collapsing, stressed out and frantic life, which I'm guessing is what you were going for.

Keep writing, and you'll get better yet.

~Aet