I Hate Everything About That Night

As I stared into the pale moonlight, you surprised me as I saw you walking across Shelley's newly paved driveway. You usually didn't turn up to these types of events. It was only 9 and some guys had already gotten wasted, throwing up in the bus beside her tool shed, thinking nobody could see them. Everyone was flirting and having a good time. Everyone but me.
"Hey baby. What's up?" You whispered. Something was wrong. I could already smell shisha on your breath, but it didn't seem like that was all you smoked tonight. As I shoved you away, you tripped on the sidewalk.
"Why are you being so hostile?" Your mood changed in seconds. That's when I knew. "He's high. Again? Doesn't he understand what I'm going through?" Sure, I'd already known for a long time that Callum wasn't the best of boyfriends, but today he topped the list of "Worst Boyfriend Ever". He asked me out at the end of the 8th grade, and we'd been on and off since then. Callum was the guy every girl wanted to be with. He was funny, cute, MVP of the basketball team, and he had a certain bad boy edge to him. He sounded perfect, but once I actually got to know him, he was completely different.
Sometimes I wondered what was going on with him, and then he opened up to me. Callum never invited anybody back to his house, and we all thought it was normal after a while. He never told anyone why, but one day he came to my house drunk and opened up somehow.
"I never let anyone come home because, there is nobody at home," he sluggishly said. I couldn't say I was surprised. There had always been rumors that Callum lived alone, but everyone knew that was impossible. How was he supposed to pay for school and the booze he manages to get his hands on?
"I live with my sister. My parents died after I was born. My mum died during childbirth, and my dad hung himself a while later. He was a coward. I never want to end up like him,". Callum's mood was changing, and he was getting more childish by the minute.
I used to hang out with the popular kids. You know the ones you look at and wish you were sitting with? Yeah, well being with them wasn't that great. Sure, the parties were fun sometimes, and you got a lot of attention, but truth is, they were all a bunch of egoistic, self-loving people. I have to admit, there were a few who weren't that bad, but most of them were pretty dreadful. We all decided to go to the local shisha bar where the drinks were free flow, and nobody cared how old you were. We sat at our usual table, but something seemed odd about today. I didn't feel like going since the last couple of weeks had been killer with all the final tests, papers, and cleaning up of lockers. There was a strange guy sitting at the bar and he kept looking over at us. It was just Annabelle, Morgan, George, Nikhil and I, but something was ticking me off about that certain fellow.
It wasn't until 10 that I realized something had gone wrong. I had been dancing with George, and when we came back to the table, Annabelle, Morgan and Nikhil had all left. My bag was gone as well. At first, I thought that Nikhil had just went to get another drink while Annabelle and Morgan went to freshen up, so I checked the bathroom. Nobody was there. When I came back to George, he told me that Nikhil had gone missing as well.
"What do we do now? I really need my bag. I have everything in it! If I lose it, my mum will for sure kill me," at that point, I was really worried. Not about Annabelle, Morgan and Nikhil, but about my bag.
"Well, let's go ask around," George said. He was always good at calming me down and he was a great problem solver. After walking around the whole shisha bar for at least half an hour, we still couldn't find them. Luckily, George hadn't left his phone with Nikhil and the girls, so he decided to call them. Why we didn't try this earlier, I still don't know to this day. Maybe if we had, we would've found them in time.

I liked at the beginning how you used "you" as a reference to the boy. It made me feel more invested in the story, as if I had assumed the role of Callum. I think you should have continued that through the whole piece about Callum, but that's just my opinion.

I was very interested in Callum, but when you switched gears to the "popular kids" so quickly, it threw me for a bit of a loop. And also, I'm not sure I understand what the point of the second half of this story is, and if it is supposed to be related to the first half. What happened to the girls? The final line, "Maybe if we had, we would've found them in time," sure sounds ominous.

This is amazing! You are extremely talented! It caught my attention first by the title, then by how you wrote in second person, and then by your story line. It was brilliant and i loved everything about it. You better keep writing this because I really want to know what happens! Ha no pressure or anything... Good luck and keep it up!!

i agree with what alecmoran say about callum wherein you first introduce him then headed off to a different perspective. It almost seems that these are two different events. What is needed to fix this to create a catlyst or some connection between the two.

to fix these i would try...i would try...maybe create a date or note down, "a few days later" so that the youc an start describing the character as popular and the evnt at the bar. But by doing this, you could change the arrangement. Rather than telling the reader that theya re popular...show it. This is achieve by describing their clothes, their behavior towars people, dialogue. Not only it will help the story but the reader will be attracted to them which in effect be negaged with your story.

I really like the description you had made. The first line particularly engages the reader espiccially with the words, "pale" and "moonlight" that already brings out the mood. AS well, congratulations for successfully using second-person narrtive very well in this story. Though it felt loopy that the second-narrative partly fell down on the second half of the story but anyway...from the ending, it would to conclude that this is the end of the story and again...i applaud you for creating that sense of suspense to the reader.

I AM LOVING THE SUSPENSE....

Thanks so much everyone.
@alecmoran I haven't worked on this in AGES, but I think I need to explain more and basically do what you said, thanks for the review
@alwaysbeininspired95 thank you! If I do decide to continue it, I'll message you
@foxfire Thank you I'll work on making Callum and the whole thing about him clearer.
@Ashleigh Brown Thank you (: