Do0msd4y [PG for Violence]

Okay, this is the first chapter in a novel. So far, I've written five chapters and it equals to about 4,300 words. If you like it, I might post the next chapter. Also, constructive criticism would be appreciated. In fact, be brutal about it. I'm planning on sending it away to a publisher.

EDIT: Something seems to be weird with the formatting, try to ignore it.

‘Do0msd4y’

[Avoid posting full name -- Mod]

Chapter 1

Mark cautiously walked forward, steel clinked against steel as his armour jostled around on his body. Around him, dead trees reached out their gnarled fingers, ready to strike. Overhead, the full moon hung in the sky like a giant, all-seeing eye. Mark suddenly heard a scuttling sound over to his right. He stopped to see what had made the noise, he was half expecting something nightmarish to come jumping out of the undergrowth. But try as he may, he couldn’t see anything. Mark then dismissed it as his imagination. Places like this could do strange things with your mind. He’d once heard from a tavern owner that one traveler had gone absolutely mad from paranoia.
That’s when he heard it again, this time over to his left. Now Mark was sure it wasn’t his imagination. He quickly ran over to the noise, his steel broadsword glinting in the moonlight. Mark spotted a clump of bushes ahead, best chance was that whatever had been making the noises was behind those bushes. He then slashed the bushes in half, leaving whatever it was exposed. He didn’t get a good glimpse of it though, as soon as he bushes had been cut away, it had jumped out and slashed at Mark’s chest. Luckily, he was wearing his chainmail armour. So, the attack was significantly dulled. The attacker then jumped back about five metres from Mark. It was then that he got to see it clearly. His heart sank as he saw it, a screechcat. They largely resembled an average cat, but were about twice as big and had fangs to match. Like many other screechcats, this one had black, matted fur and shining yellow eyes. They were also incredibly fast and defensive. But their most distinguishing feature was their screech, which was loud enough to paralyse even the mightiest of warriors.
Overall, they were a real pain to kill.
Mark slashed at the creature with his sword. But the screechcat was too fast for him, agilely jumping into a nearby tree. The screechcat hissed loudly, its hair standing on end. This was the sign that it was about to screech.
Mark hastily dropped his bag to the ground and began rummaging through it. He was looking for the earmuffs he’d brought along. Screechcats were common in this forest, so he came prepared.
Mark desperately searched his bag, trying to find them.
His hands clasped around something. With a jolt of relief, he realized they were the earmuffs. Mark took them out of the bag and put them on, just in time too. Because the creature screeched immediately after he’d put them on.
It looked strange from Marks point-of-view, the screechcat had its mouth open and its back arched, but no sound was coming out.
This lasted for a few more seconds until it realized that its screeching was having no effect on him. Mark then suddenly lashed out with his sword at the screechcat, he had the element of surprise, and so made a cut in the screechcats leg. It wasn’t a deep one, but damage is damage. The creature yowled loudly, raising the damaged leg up in mid-air so as to not put too much stress on its wound.
Yes! Mark thought to himself, just a few more hits and it’ll be gone.
But his hope was short-lived, for the screechcat had jumped off the tree and was bounding away into the forest. Mark grimaced. Note to self, he thought, Finish off enemies quicker.
So, Mark began to run after the screechcat. Around him, the only noise he could hear was the sound of his boots pounding on the hard ground. He had no idea of where he was going, and was simply running in the direction the screechcat had taken. This continued for about five minutes until he eventually broke out into a clearing in the forest. At this point, he stopped running. He was tired, and almost certain that he’d lost track of the screechcat. After a bit of considering, he decided on using a teleportation orb to go back to the city. But just as he was about to pull it out and utter the spell, he spotted it. The screechcat.
It yowled loudly, still holding its leg up in the air.
It must have been hiding in the shadows Mark thought to himself.
But something was wrong, it wouldn’t stop yowling. This was very strange behaviour for the screechcats. Usually they would just hiss a bit and then attack, unless they were… “Oh crud,” Mark trembled in horror.
It was calling for help.
He heard bushes rustling around in the clearing, saw bright eyes gleaming in the darkness and a hissing noise that would send chills down the spine of even the mightiest of warriors.
And, one by one, they began to come out of the darkness. They walked in slowly, staring at Mark along the way with their horrifying yellow eyes. They all stopped in the center of the clearing, all the while never taking their eyes off him. Soon enough, there were about twenty of them sitting in the center, hissing at him.
Marks heart was beating faster, he was certain that he was about to die. He’d never heard a story about someone surviving this many screechcats.
Mark stepped back a bit, but they started coming closer.
He stepped back another step.
They came even closer.
Mark suddenly ran into something; he turned around to see what it was.
A boulder, and the screechcats were blocking all other escape paths.
This is it Mark thought I’m going to die.
The screechcats were coming closer, they were now so near that he could almost smell their rancid meat breath.
Mark’s whole body was trembling, the screechcats were leaning back, ready to pounce. Mark got ready for his death and…
Click.
The world went black. Then, he felt the virtual reality helmet being lifted from his head.
“There you are Mark!” His mum said to him, “Come on, dinner’s ready.”

Hey there, SplitPin,

So here is my promised review. I hope it will assist you somewhat in getting the best out of your story.

So, honestly, I think this idea is superb. Yes, you've got something great to work with. You need to flaunt this fact, though.

I didn't really find this chapter all too gripping as something of this potential might have been, though. I found it rather dry in fact. Ultimately, I believe that your piece failed because you could not build the tension that you tried to create. We need to take a look at how to properly build tension.

Sentence and paragraph length: One of the most effective ways of building excitement is to vary the sentence length in accordance with the emotion you want to attain. When you want a reader to feel particularly vulnerable, shorten the sentence length. The shorter the sentence length, the choppier we make it in our minds, and you get a rapid progression of events rather than a drawn out one.

Showing vs. Telling: Another great way of building up the excitement is to draw us into the scene more. You can do this by painting more of a picture of your events, and describing everything with the single purpose of making it real. This means refraining from adding description that doesn't pertain directly to your scene. I'll give you a couple of examples:

They largely resembled an average cat, but were about twice as big and had fangs to match. Like many other screechcats, this one had black, matted fur and shining yellow eyes. They were also incredibly fast and defensive. But their most distinguishing feature was their screech, which was loud enough to paralyse even the mightiest of warriors.

If you look at this above quotation, you'll notice that you referred to screechcats on the whole. You needed to tie it down to the specific screechcat that you are dealing with at the moment. You don't have time to describe to the reader what screechcats are because you want to keep them enraptured by the scene. Describe only what happens at the moment. Show us the now, and don't tell us anything that doesn't pertain to where we stand.

I'll give you one more example:

a hissing noise that would send chills down the spine of even the mightiest of warriors.

We don't really care what it would do to the mighty warrior, we want to know what it's doing to Mark right now. Focus on what you have in front of you. As a narrator, you tell a story that you cannot allow to be interrupted by even non-trivial information.

The repetition of your MC's name: Because you are narrating a chapter with no other characters aside from your MC, you should try to use his name as little as you possibly can. The repetition of the name drags your narration down. When reading it, it looks repetitive, and the last thing you want in an action scene is repetition.

The dry progression: Usually you'll find that when writing an action scene you want to try create a progression that surprises the reader at times. Throw in external forces rather than letting your action take place in an isolated system. Remember, Mark is merely a player in this epic world of yours. You can talk about things other than him.

Okay, I think that concludes the section of how to add a little more emotion to a scene like this. Let's move on to characters.
Loner characters: I always find it particularly hard writing scenes where there is no interaction between characters. I would advise adding a couple of other characters into this scene to immediately draw us into Mark as a character. We need to see some dialogue and interaction to be able to properly connect to him and feel for him.

I think that's about it. The twist at the end was great, so I do think you should try to flaunt it a little more. Get our hearts pumping fast and then flip the switch. Ultimately I would continue to read this story, but only because I read to the end of the chapter. You need to hook us a little more towards the beginning, and envelope us in your story so that we will get to the twist.

Okay, that's the end of that. I hope my review helped. Good luck!

Have a great one!

Hey there!

Well, I typed up a whole review and then somewhere along the line, I pressed a button that took me to a different page, thus losing the review. So I'll try to remember everything I was going to say, though the examples may or may not be here. xD

I really liked the concept you have here! The ending made me smile. I was getting worried that the MC was going to either die or miraculously be alive (which is somewhat cliche), so seeing the virtual reality thing come up made me feel better, haha!

I think a grammar check will help you a lot here. You overuse the comma quite a few times and the structure is a bit choppy. Here's an article in the Knowledge Base that could help you with your commas. =)

As for structure, it goes with pacing. You jump around and it doesn't flow smoothly. Where you use transitions such as "eventually five minutes later" and "suddenly", it's clear you're cheating the reader of some description. Get rid of those as best you can. Sentences within paragraphs should look like they belong side by side, and paragraphs should look like they belong side by side. Pay attention when you do your final edits to see if you can't fix any of those oddball spots.

One way to avoid using "suddenly" and "five minutes later" is to add more description. Show, don't tell. The reader should be able to realize themselves that time has passed. Longer descriptions can indicate more time has gone by. Here's a good, though long, article that can help you with descriptions in battle scenes. There are some key points in there you may want to pay attention to, and seeing as you want to get this published, reading it may be in your best interest. ^^

Thirdly, your conclusion is a bit sloppy as well.

Mark’s whole body was trembling, the screechcats were leaning back, ready to pounce. Mark got ready for his death and…

Click.

The world went black. Then, he felt the virtual reality helmet being lifted from his head.

“There you are Mark!” His mum said to him, “Come on, dinner’s ready.”

The word "then" in the middle there already stops the flow of the sentence. You can use it if you can make it look good (just like "suddenly" and "five minutes later"). Smooth it out with better phrasing. Everything went black. He blinked furiously, wondering if he actually died. A huge hand clamped down on his head and pulled upward, removing the helm for his favorite virtual reality game.

Don't end the story so abruptly, especially when introducing a new concept like a virtual reality game.

Take your time when describing things, which is one of the flaws in your text. Writing takes a lot of patience because of this. Decide whether what you're describing is necessary to describe then, now, or at any time.

That's about it. Sorry it's not as detailed as I'd have liked to give you, but when it was deleted, so were my thoughts. xD If you need help, feel free to PM me though. I'm more than happy to help. ^^

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

He didn’t get a good glimpse of it though, as soon as he bushes had been cut away, it had jumped out and slashed at Mark’s chest.

Typo: "the"

Luckily, he was wearing his chainmail armour. So, the attack was significantly dulled.

Combine these into one sentence and remove remove "armour". You already told us he was wearing armour. Telling us that it is chainmail will suffice.

They largely resembled an average cat, but were about twice as big and had fangs to match.

What is an average cat? A housecat? A lion? Cheetah? Specify.

Overall, they were a real pain to kill.

It's pretty obvious based on the description you gave us, about them being agile and defensive.

Mark then suddenly lashed out with his sword at the screechcat, he had the element of surprise, and so made a cut in the screechcats leg.

remove "then", typo: "screechcat's"

It must have been hiding in the shadows Mark thought to himself.

Add a comma between "shadows" and "Mark".

Marks heart was beating faster, he was certain that he was about to die.

Typo: Mark's

This is it Mark thought I’m going to die.

Add a comma between "it" and "Mark", full stop after "thought". Consider putting all of his thoughts in cursive or in quotations.

The screechcats were coming closer, they were now so near that he could almost smell their rancid meat breath.

You could remove "almost" for added effect. But now that I come to think of it, I don't think his virtual reality helmet allows smell... or does it?

The world went black. Then, he felt the virtual reality helmet being lifted from his head.

Remove "Then,".

“There you are Mark!” His mum said to him, “Come on, dinner’s ready.”

I liked the ending line alot, and am looking forward to reading the next chapter. Keep it up, this has potential!