A normal day for Grim

Well maybe not so normal. This is just something I wrote to clear my writers block. But hey, this I can improve. My modern style of writing.

“You. I see you. Standing behind the mirror.” He whispered. A little girl, no older then six poked her head out. She looked around then hid back behind the mirror. He walked towards her. “Don’t worry, I’ll catch up with you in ninety two years.” He whispered again. Then he turned around. Slowly, one step at a time, he walked away. Each step he took the world warped itself.

He looked to his left. At one point he had seen a green wall, it had yellow spots. A couch matching that wall too. Now its black and white. The colors have bled into each other. Slightly warped. Soon enough the mother would see the world change. He turned back. He saw two lights. One slowly dimming ever more by the second.

The other light however. That was special. The girl. Her internal light was brighter then one he’s ever seen before. Sure children had brighter souls, but the light. He covered his eyes. It was blinding. Then she came out from behind the mirror and locked eye contact with him. He took a step back. The girl, if she knew it or not had just cast a weak banishing spell.

He shook his head and turned around. “You can’t banish the grim reaper.” He whispered. Once he had stepped outside he faded into a mist. He was blown by the wind towards the next house to visit. He looked down at the house as he glimpsed the spirit world mixing with the physical plane.

Then he had reached the next home. The home of John Stewarts, 56 years old, Lung Cancer, born on December 25th. He sighed. This old man was a kind person. Still everyone would have to go someday. He walked through the back door and returned to the physical plane. Yet they could not see him. They could never see him.

He saw the man playing on his bed. It was for life. He took a few steps forwards. A cold wind blew through the house. It carried the smell of death with it. John turned around. He looked around desperately. Fear shone brightly in his eyes. He looked down at dear John. Though his eyes were bright his soul was dimmed. Three minutes left.

“John.” He whispered. “It’s your time.” John shook his head. Unable to accept the grim reaper telling him what it was. “Feel it. The icy chill coming over you. The fire of your soul dimming.” John bit his lower lip. The whispering. He covered his ears. “No, no it’s not!” He exclaimed.

Grim looked at a clock on the nearby wall. Thirty seconds left in this pitiful life. “Thirty seconds, twenty nine…” “Stop!” John cried. Two more seconds. Yes. His time was up. His soul had dimmed. No more did life shine in it. Now Grim could reveal himself. The man covered his eyes.

“Welcome to the gates of the underworld.” A demon spoke harshly. John was frightened. “Don’t be.” Grim whispered. John of course was now transparent. He was wearing a long white robe. His skin pale. His hair thick and brown. Grim couldn’t see them clearly until they were dead.

The demon giggled. “The boss wants to see you.” Grim sighed. He wandered throughout the underworld until he found the lord of the underworld. A sick demon, who was the only one to win the battle against god. “You’re fired.”

Hi, I'm Hawkie and I'll be your reviewer today. ^^

I think you have an interesting idea here with a lot of potential. However, the way you told it was very difficult to follow. You have a lot of action, but you need more description to pad it out so your reader can follow it. I hardly understand what's happening - first you're talking about a girl with a bright soul, then suddenly there's this dying man but then at the end there's a demon and a battle against God. Who's the main character? Whose story are you telling, exactly?

You also had a few grammar mistakes throughout, but I won't nitpick on those. One thing I will point out, however, because I've been seeing it a lot on YWS lately and it's kind of bothersome:

“You. I see you. Standing behind the mirror.” He whispered.

The "he" should not be capitalized. I repeat: the "he" should not be capitalized. You never capitalize a dialogue tag, nor do you put a period at the end of dialogue before a tag. To clarify, you need either this:

“You. I see you. Standing behind the mirror," he whispered.

Or this:

“You. I see you. Standing behind the mirror.”

I'm sorry if I seem harsh. Again, I like your theme and I think with some work this could be a great story. ^^ PM me if you have any questions and I'll be happy to help.

Keep writing!

-Hawks-

Alright I'm going to basically sum up what Hawkie has just said using the same example.

“You. I see you. Standing behind the mirror.” He whispered.

So yes the he should not be capitalized instead it should be like this:

“You. I see you. Standing behind the mirror,” he whispered.

When something is said and you end it with he/she said/whispered/ect you ALWAYS have a comma at the end of what is said (unless it's a question or needs an exclamation mark) and have a lower case letter at "he whispered."

But if it was a little more detailed like this:

“You. I see you. Standing behind the mirror.” He whispered quietly staring at the little girl that stood in front of him.

I'm pretty sure when something is said and a full sentence is left after it it needs a capital letter and at the end of what is said needs a full stop. I'm not 100% sure so you might have to check that one up, but that's how I see it. A lot of people make this mistake all the time so don't worry yourself to much.

You NEED to use a bit more commas, that way you don't have so may sentences.

He looked to his left. At one point he had seen a green wall, it had yellow spots. A couch matching that wall too. Now its black and white. The colors have bled into each other. Slightly warped. Soon enough the mother would see the world change. He turned back. He saw two lights. One slowly dimming ever more by the second.

I could have made that just a few sentences without adding any extra words, like so:

He looked to his left, at one point he had seen a green wall, it had yellow spots. A couch matching that wall too, now its black and white. The colors have bled into each other, slightly warped. Soon enough the mother would see the world change. He turned backs he saw two lights; one slowly dimming ever more by the second.

Now again I am not 100% sure, but I prefer if a paragraph is like this, to have fewer sentences. It just makes it easier for the reader to understand.

Everything else seems great and it's really interesting. Maybe if you made it just a bit longer you'd have more readers hooked?