Firemen catch fire.

I burned the world, with a box of matches.
And I laughed all the while.


Kerosene and the smell of still lit embers,
graced my senses as it all came through.


Just your silhouette in charcoal on the wall.
A reminder that forever is a lie.
On my fingertips the tongues of flame were all alone.
And so I sent them out to keep away the night.


Please wait, don't breathe, the air is far too thick tonight.
Cant we stay inside?
Please wait for me, I'm lit up like a candle.
Only I don't have a flame.


The day seems so bright now, a just a veil of what's burning
shielded by the pillars of building smoke.
In the worst time of the first light,
I could see your silhouette still marked up on my wall.


Please wait don't breathe, the air is far too thick tonight.
Cant we stay inside?
Please wait for me, I'm lit up like a candle only I don't have a flame.


I burned the world with a box of matches.
And I laughed, till I cried.

Wow.
This is such a great poem! It's so emotionally descriptive, and the repetion is incredibly powerful!
Although I didn't understand all of it, I got the gist, and I think it's a really interesting topic to choose.
I think you have a great writing style. Just make sure you capitalise at the start of each line where necessary.

Keep writing!
Pgsgirl x

Eraqio wrote:I burned the world, with a box of matches.
And I laughed all the while.

I really like this. It's very interesting and original. One suggestion- to use "Laughing all the while" as apposed to "And I laughed all the while"

Eraqio wrote:Kerosene and the smell of still it embers,
graced my senses as it all came through.

Did you mean "the smell of it still embers"?
And I think you may have used the word "embers" out of context here, the definition of embers being a burning fragment or the remains of something. Maybe you meant "the smell of it still lingers"? Or perhaps you meant, "Kerosene and the smell of still lit embers", which makes perfect sense.

Really though that's all I have to criticize. You've got something great here. Keep writing

The title is interesting, I just wish it made more sense with the poem. Edits under spoiler.

Spoiler

I burned the world, with a box of matches.
And I laughed all the while. A little voice pipes up: "Take me out of the poem, I don't like it here!

Kerosene and the smell of still it embers, Huh?
graced my senses as it all came through. Unnecessary


Just your silhouette in charcoal on the wall.
A reminder that forever is a lie. Yeah, how exactly? This is; "Image therefore Random Conclusion".
On my fingertips the tongues of flame were all alone. So you burned your finger-tips? Again, once the actual description is there, then you can elaborate- but not before.
And so I sent them out to keep away the night.


Please wait, don't breathe, the air is far too thick tonight.
Cant we stay inside?
Please wait for me, I'm lit up like a candle.
Only I don't have a flame. Bad line to end a much improved stanza. You've hooked your reader with this stanza's first line, intrigued them by the second, the third is very strong, and then the fourth is a total let-down, completely devoid of the spark possessed by the others.


The day seems so bright now, a hue of darkness I just read another poem that tried to explain something about a bright, light, tone of darkness. Why? It doesn't make the slightest bit of sense.
shielded by the pillars of building smoke.
In the worst time of the first light,
I could see your silhouette still marked up on my wall. Good use of repetition and a common theme. This is your most evocative image. [/green]


Please wait don't breathe, the air is far too thick tonight.
Cant we stay inside?
Please wait for me, I'm lit up like a candle only I don't have a flame. [color=green] I already mentioned my gripe about this line, but now it's stuck onto the line before it? Was there any sort of reason?


I burned the world with a box of matches.
And I laughed, till I cried. Yeah yeah yeah, we get it, fire imagery and all that.

Hahaha I loved this! It has this feeling about it, I can't really describe it, but I really love it!

It reminds me of this dream I had, it was like 112 accidents that have happened to firemen and one like licked a flame and exploded....I don't know really.

But again LOVE IT!

Keep up the awesome work!

-Irish

This poem has a lot of power and intensity to it. I'm not sure what the title (which, by the way, ought to be capitalized) means--that's something you might want to address, since others mentioned it as well. It could do with a bit of grammar clean-up, and some of the images are a bit unclear (I'll elaborate in the full edit), but overall I'd say it's very effective. Well done!

(Edits below the spoiler.)

Spoiler

I burned the world, with a box of matches.
And I laughed all the while.

I disagree with Smorgishborg about these bits. I think this one in particular works quite well as an opening; more on the end when I get there.

Kerosene and the smell of still it embers,
graced my senses as it all came through.

"still lit embers," perhaps? And no comma after that line. Make sure you proofread before you post...Also, I'm not sure about "as it all came through." To me that's a weak way to put it, and a young one. I can't really guess at what you mean by that.

Just your silhouette in charcoal on the wall.
A reminder that forever is a lie.
On my fingertips the tongues of flame were all alone.
And so I sent them out to keep away the night.

I also disagree with Smorgishborg about this stanza. Overexplanation can be just as damaging as lack of clarity, and I think you've got the right balance here. I have an idea what's going on--no more or less, I think, than you intended--and it's done in an artistic way. Poetry is about coming at things from a different angle.

Please wait, don't breathe, the air is far too thick tonight.
Cant we stay inside?
Please wait for me, I'm lit up like a candle.
Only I don't have a flame.

"Can't." Proofread, please! And...while I like the last image, and I don't have a particular problem with the last line (in fact, I think the let-down Smorgishborg mentioned might have been what you were going for--a heightening of tension followed by a fall), you've lost me in terms of the story behind all of this metaphor. I don't know what's going on anymore.

The day seems so bright now, a hue of darkness
shielded by the pillars of building smoke.
In the worst time of the first light,
I could see your silhouette still marked up on my wall.

Like Smorgishborg, I'm not sure how to take the image in the first two lines. Smoke is dark, so how can it shield darkness? Either way, I'm not sure I'd use the word "hue" here--it sounds a bit technical, or like you're trying too hard. To me, it's the hallmark of a young person's writing, because it seems sophisticated but falls flat. I would try "tinge" or "hint" or something along those lines--whatever fits with the image you've got in your head.

Please wait don't breathe, the air is far too thick tonight.
Cant we stay inside?
Please wait for me, I'm lit up like a candle only I don't have a flame.

I, too, was puzzled by the way you pushed the last two lines together when they weren't before. I preferred it the other way, really--this line is a little unwieldy.

I burned the world with a box of matches.
And I laughed, till I cried.

If you are going to keep this, first of all, the comma before "till" needs to go--it isn't necessary. But "I laughed till I cried" seems like another rather young image to me. It's a let-down because it's what one might expect, whereas the rest of the imagery has been anything but. I think a more subtle bleakness is needed here. What happened? Did the speaker watch it burn to the ground? Did he die himself? Did the silhouette being addressed fade? Something like that, indirect, might be more effective. Just my suggestion.

Keep writing!

~Stripes