Chapter One _ He and She R

Chapter One -He.


Rain and hail storm relentlessly outside of the house, thundering down hard on the windows until they shake.
The sound and light surround him, and blacking out all other emotions, terrible grief and helplessness wash over him in a huge deadly tsunami as he sits on the edge of the bath, filled with cold water.
There’s no point anymore, the world is corrupt, and there is no bright future. They were lying to us.
The tears stream down his face, carrying with them any last trace of a future that might have remained for him. He's angry, so angry at whoever had created this polluted and hideous world.
He felt the knife in his hand...
Flashes of mocking lightening blink past the cold dark double glaze of the bathroom window, followed closely by the melodramatic drum roll of thunder.
Red dappled patterns form at the bottom of the cracked marble sink.

***



Last night I was serious, I was really ready to do it, end it once and for all. Maybe I should have. I probably would have, had I not been interrupted by her call.
I’ve never really got that far before, I mean actually having the knife in my hand, calculating exactly how much blood I’d have to lose, where I would have to cut, how deep it would have to be to make the biggest impact.
I’m not saying I’ve never self harmed before, I’ve just never... seriously contemplated ending it properly. Forever.
Some people would call it attention seeking, that’s not right, I try to hide it as well as I can, but sometimes it’s hard. When sometimes when someone offers to help, they almost trick me into saving myself. Which I’m not sure is in my best interests at the moment.
Of course I need help, I even want it occasionally, but for some reason I back away if someone offers it. I don’t want some unknown individual poking their overly sympathetic noses in. I mean let’s be honest, they know it’s my fault, I know it’s my fault, and it’s not going to weigh on some stupid ‘Off the record’ carers mind for the rest of their lives, if I’m the one boy they can’t stop.
The only person I don’t mind taking an interest, is her. I guess that’s because I know she isn’t going to do anything to stop me.

Ah so pretty writing.

But still kinda dark.

Me loves it

X

lol, i have more, but ill put it on later. I wrote that the night mark told me he wanted to commit suicide (: happy times

O k this is a proper review:

Characters:

"He" is obviously based on Mark, and I think you brought his character through quite well. Obviously they aren’t developed yet, but I think you DO need to develop him soon in the story, so that he is more of a person. If we “know” him better, then we will sympathise with him, and so we won’t want him to commit suicide, and that increases the tension for you.

I only have one thing to say about “She”: If she is who I think she is then WHY WHY WHY did you not tell him to stop?

Plotline & Development: Yeh I always do plotline but there isn’t enough story for me to criticise it yet

Language:
All round good languge, it fits the mood, as well as the weather


Ella
XX

HE was based on mark, but SHE was not based on me, only the situation was based on him last year. im not writing this anymore cuz its making me depressed.
ill post different thing on later when i can be bothered to type it up xx

Hey beth, review as promised :]

Again, sorry if I'm harsh.

Sooo...I'm gonna say now that I really didn't like the first part of this. I thought it was confusing. But...I loved the second, thought you did it perfectly, well done :]

Rain and hail stormed relentlessly around the house,

Around? Word confusion. The rain would not storm around the house, it beats down on the house. This makes it sound as if the rain didn't fall on the house but only around it.

thundering down hard on the windows until they shake and quake with fear.

Shake should be shook, just a bit of tense confusion.Tut tut Beth :]
Also I don't like the "quake with fear" bit, I just have a bit of reluctance to that sentence, it's a little overused. I would put "shuddered with..." you get the idea.

The sound and light surrounded him, and blacking out all other emotions, terrible grief and helplessness wash over him in a huge deadly tsunami.

This sentence confused me. We have no idea where he is, what room? You need to give us a bit more of an image in our heads as after this it is all emotion. Ahh, more tense confusion!! Just read it through, it's really really messed up, the whole sentence.

and.....You need to take out the "and", it doesn't make sense there.

There’s no point anymore, the world is corrupt, and there is no right future. They were lying to us.

This sounds like it's in the first person but the rest is in the third. You need to change this, either adding "he thought" or making this italics for it is blatant that it's a change of tense.

The tears stream down his face, carrying with them all of his hate and anger, he was angry, so angry at whoever had created this polluted and hideous world.

TENSE CONFUSION!! "He was" needs to be he's and. You know the other thing about the tears because I told you over msn.

He felt the knife in his hand...

Flashes of mocking lightening blink past, followed closey by the melodramatic drum roll that is thunder.

It's a bit wordy but alright. Oh yeh, you spelt closely wrong.

Red dappled patterns form at the bottom of the cracked marble sink.

I love this sentence, but it's the only indication that you know marks in a bathroom. You need more description earlier on.

Kay, I'm gonna give you the other part of the review tomorrow, I'm just a bit tired at the moment.

See ya tomorrow

Izzy

Hey there,

Having read your story, I'll say that I enjoyed the second part, but I wasn't too big a fan of the first. I think that the character lamenting everything, about to commit suicide, saying "goodbye, cruel world" the whole way has become something of a cliche nowadays. I might feel that way because I've never been in the same position as "He," but I think it's your duty as a writer to make the character relatable and understandable. Why is he in such a state of affairs?

On the other hand, I did enjoy the second half of the story. The "He" character felt more understandable and likable. I enjoyed the way he spoke, honestly and bluntly. Very good. And also I was definitely intrigued as to who "She" is.

Keep up the good work.

Oh. My. Gosh. Wow. Please keep writing. You are...wow. Very talented.

I know i don't particularly like the first part either.. but i feel really bad editing it out or changing it lots because I wrote it when one of my friends was going through this kind of thing, so it kinda feels like cheating them? I dunno I will change it!

Ooh now I haven't decided who she is yet, it depends...

haha thankyou the person below,

x