Keeper: [1] *edited*

-deleted-

Wow, this is good.
At first look at this you see a girl hanging with her normal drunk boyfriend, and friends who are too in love with each other to even notice if the world was ending, and the girl who is stuck in life, you can tell that she wants more, she wants more outta life and love.
Then you have her go outside, because she can't handle her drunk boyfriend anymore, when she hears struggling going on in the ally. The thought that actually came to me as I was reading that part was, "Omg she's going to get raped, sad."
And then you totally switch it around to where it's some guy fighting this creepy scary demon, totally did not see that coming, it was very good.
Love the name Levi, I just loved the whole thing, there was enough mystery in the ending that made you want more.
Good job!

It's pretty good. I really enjoyed reading it. I have a question though: Have you read the Mortal Instruments? Because your story sounds strangely similar...

Okay so I've compiled a list of what you need to work on and what your doing great with.

Things you need to work on:
- Dialogue. Check out these articles: http://limyaael.livejournal.com/160147.html and http://limyaael.livejournal.com/161822.html
- Info dumping. Check out this article: http://limyaael.livejournal.com/186438.html

Things that you did amazing on:
- Laelia seems to be really cool and I like how she's realistic.
- Writing Demon hunters better then Cassandra Clare. No seriously I like yours better. =]

Keep writing!
- Stevie

Laelia seemed to hot here, in her striped over sized sweater that was curled at her wrist. She sat with 19-year old Zack and some of his friends, Morgan and Jaden, at a busy restaurant in Chicago. The night was cold but inside the heat was killing her. She even wore a sweater underneath her zipper sweater and then another jacket. God knows how cold it gets in Chicago.

This doesn't quite make sense, and not just because ou missed out the word 'be'. Why, if she is so hto, does she not take off one of her many layers. Also, she starts be thinking she is hot, then say it is cold. She contradicts herself.

“I can’t believe you guys are dating,” Lia said towards Jaden and Morgan, not really wanting more conversation on her birthday. Zack was stupid enough to bring up in the first place; she always hated attention.

How can she hate attention but have already said being 17 made her feel puny. What would she care if she really hated attention.

Lia sighed and got up, “It’s too hot, I’m going out for a breather.” She walked off leaving Jaden with his hands up as if he was confessing to the police-Morgan and Zack- that the casualty that had just occurred was not his fault.

This last sentence doesn't make sense to me.

She had finally gotten approval from her Aunt Clare a few months earlier to live with Zack in Chicago and plan on attending university of Illinois. Although getting her to agree was hectic and took a lot of guilty measures.

One of these sentences are not nescessary. One of them makes the other pretty obvious.

A loud gasp escaped Lia’s lips as she stepped back. He was holding a monster, a thing, a something that she couldn’t exactly name. It looked like a tall skinny person, it had glowing green eyes and its face was flat and lips stretched showing rows of sharp shark-like teeth. Its ears were long and pointed and from behind its naked back sprouted skinned wings with sharp talons, it had a tail, long and whip like. Its skin was a dark gray, stretched so there were no wrinkles anywhere.

Excellent description!

He looked down and whispered something loudly:

I've never heard of a whisper being loud. Harsh, but never loud.

Ego scisco of polus expio is animus

Hooray! Silly magic words! I love silly magic words! No seriously, I do...

Lia was sure, extremely sure she saw something glow like heavenly light, it blinded her and she stumbled back falling onto the cold floor.

OF course she was sure there was a light, it blinded her, didn't it? And, sorry, bu this is a personal pet peeve. I HATE it when people refer to the ground outside as the floor! ARRGH!

“Who are you?” His voice was clear and angered. “What did you see?” He growled at her.

It would have been kind of obvious she saw everything.

And that's were I'll leave it for now. Sorry about nitpicking. Bye!

Hi Pink!
I read your first chapter as requested! I see that you already got the nitpicks pointed out so I won't get into that. I really enjoyed reading your first chapter. One question: Why was it rated R? I liked the way how you turned a non fiction every day scene upside down into a chaotic fantasy fiction scene so quickly. The reader could feel Lia's confusion and the subtle excitement as she stumbled upon this weird "happening". Well, I can't wait to read more so keep up the good work!

~Dakota

Hey there PinkShearwater.

Alright, I'll start off by talking about your first few paragraphs. They were kind of a chore to read because firstly, it does little to characterize your characters and secondly, it seems pretty irrelevant. All we know is that they are having dinner together at a Restaurant and that there is some sort of a relationship circle here. But really, this scene says very little about the characters.

When the demon attack happened (the actual hook, it feels as though it comes out of nowhere as what follows before this doesn't build up to this.

The last few paragraphs, though slightly more exciting than the start seems kind of random because we don't actually know what a keeper is nor what the heck is actually happening. Don't just focus on 'how' they were shocked/ scared, focus more importantly on the 'why'. Link this to your characters. It will add depth to your characters and make this more convincing.

I think you need to figure out how to make this connect better. At the moment, the story is kind of disjointed and couldn't be as enjoyable as I would of had hoped.

Andy.

Firstly,
Thank you all for your critiques!

I've realized many mistakes in my first chapter and I think I fixed most
of them. I've also added a few other things that might help fill in the gaps
and clarify anything confusing.
Hopefully it sounds better this time.
=]

Thanks for all the critiques again!

~Pink

This was really good. I didn't see any mistakes, but I almost never do. I think everyone else covered your errors already though. I can't stay long because i have to read parts one and two. Bye-bye!
(My elephants say goodbye.)

Alright, Pink. Here finally, as promised. Off I go…

Strange Boy

Laelia seemed too hot here.

You switched tenses here. Seemed=past. Here=present. It doesn’t flow well.
[She sat with 19-year]
Unless it’s in the thousands, spell out a number. Nineteen-year old.

God knows how cold it gets in Chicago.

You switched tenses again. Got.

partly because she knew she wasn’t going to stay here for any longer.

Tenses. Tenses. Tenses.

“I think we should have a surprise party for Lia next month, since it’s her birthday you know? Finally, she’s going to be 18!”

Two things about this passage. 1. That is not a question. It’s a statement. 2. Spell out eighteen.

Laelia said rolling her eyes at him.

Comma after said.

Lia, it was her nickname since Zack said her full name strangled his throat. And as for finally being 18, it felt good, since being 17 and one year lower than everyone made her feel puny.

1. First sentence is good. I like it. 2. Spell out the numbers. 3. The last part of the last sentence makes absolutely no sense to me. But maybe I’m just missing something. It seems to me that it’s just worded weirdly.

Zack winked at her. He gulped down another glass of beer and set it down.

You can make this into one sentence. Zach winked at her as he gulped down another glass of beer and then setting it down on the table. Maybe?

Jaden always had his hair in spikes and dressed in random clothes, he never cared how he looked like as long as the clothes fit. He was pretty skinny except he had long legs, which Lia and Zack always joked about. His arm was hanging loosely around Morgan’s shoulders, which seemed to be enjoying his arm’s company.

I think there are a few flaws in this description. 1. You are just telling about it. You aren’t letting her see it and then make her side comments about him. 2. “Had his hair spiked,” I think would sound better. 3. He’s still skinny with his long legs. Except doesn’t make sense there. What was the joke? 3. Who, not which.

Morgan was one of those girls you just hated, she always had the perfect everything and she still hung out with people like Lia and Zack. Lia never really understood why.

Hmm. Another flat description. I don’t mean to be nitpicky or anything. 1. Period after hated. 2. What about her made her so perfect? 3. Maybe she was not shallow and thought that they were true friends. 4. Or maybe she thought that hanging around with them made her shine more…kind of like the weird high school rule. In every group of girls, there’s always a fat/ugly/something bad to make the others feel better about themselves. It’s true. Ha. And I can say this because I’m the friend that no one really wants to be friends with. So, it’s okay…a little. 5. What about Lia and Zack? What’s wrong with them?

Zack shrugged

Why would Zack shrug?

Lia sighed and got up,

Period after up.

(Morgan and Zack)

I don’t think this is really needed.

a few months ago

This is the same as tenses. You are dating yourself and you really don’t want to do that. A few months before, would be just as good.

except things aren’t going too smoothly. Money’s been tight lately. Lia’s parents died last year and she had to camp out with her Aunt Clare in Wisconsin for her senior year, which was terrible. She had finally gotten approval from her Aunt Clare a few months earlier to live with Zack in Chicago and plan on attending university of Illinois.

I found a few things wrong with this. 1. Tenses. You have a lot of present tenses in there, and I had a feeling you were going for past. I don’t know. 2. I don’t understand the camping reference. Why was it so terrible. And why, if she was turning eighteen, would she need her aunts approval? 3. the University of Illinois? Ha.

A sound interrupted Lia’s thoughts abruptly.

Abruptly should go before interrupted, don’t you think?

and the blazing of the moon

The blazing what of the moon?

Ego scisco of polus expio is animus

This is more of a suggestion, not a nitpick. But later in the story, are you going to tell us what this means?

He turned his head

The man she now knew to be Live turned his head…something like that?

He was most annoyed at Levi’s behavior this afternoon. Not only did he run off to chase a demon on his own but almost killed a girl.

How did he almost kill a girl? Maybe go into a little more detail with that. Also, your first sentence here, the tenses are messed up.

“Bring her to the Academy! She’s one of us Alex, she’s a Keeper!”

Comma after us, because Levi is addressing Alex.

Damn, don’t run off like that Levi, scared the shit out of me!”

Again, Katherine is addressing Levi, so there’d be a comma before his name. It’s one of those ridiculous grammar rules.
Surprised, they turned in unison and stared at Levi.

She was probably the strongest girl in the Academy.

You just said she had a baby face, which made me think she was sweet and innocent, maybe point that out. Saying that ironically, she is the strongest in the Academy. Maybe?

He smiled lightly, “don’t worry though, I have it.”

There would be a period after lightly and a capital D in don’t.

Levi said as if Katherine asked the dumbest question of all time,

Period at the end of this. And a captial S in she.

“she shouldn’t have gotten to far by now,” Levi turned around getting himself ready to launch himself onto an all out mission to capture the girl but a hand held him back

Period after now. And period after back.

He was gripping Levi’s sleeve pretty harshly.

I think you should take out pretty. It isn’t a good word to use in describing things.

Alex narrowed his eyes, “We’ll come back for her later.”

Period after eyes.

Katherine nodded,

Period after nodded.

“Right Levi,

Comma after right. Because he is addressing Levi.

Levi rolled his eyes and sighed, “Fine, whatever you guys want.”

[/quote][/quote]
Period after sighed. Or, lower case fine.
Okay, nitpicks over and done with.
Onto the Characters.
Laelia-There was some building of her character, but it was a little vague. I think you could use a little more emotions with her. But, I’m not sure I even like her character as of right now in the story. I mean, I have no connection with her yet.
Zack-He seems like the best friend type. Not the long term boyfriend. *shrugs* but that’s just me. I’d like to see more of his relationship with Lia. I wasn’t convinced they were really the sort of couple to move in.
Morgan+Jaden-Typical characters, I guess. Not much to say, because I didn’t see much of them. Maybe you have them in here later.
Levi-Tough guy? Paint that a little more. Talk about maybe some rippling muscles or tattoos (that’s just how I saw him) but I’d like to see more of his tough side.
Alex-I like him. I’m not sure why, but I think as a reader, I’m going to fall for him. Haha. Buuut, I’d like to see more emotions, or at least, some attempts at pushing emotions behind. You know what I mean?
Katherine-Paint her more. I liked the baby face thing, but go deeper. Please. She is too vague for my liking.
Is that all the characters so far? I believe so.
Scenery- Awesome job. Windy Chicago and snowy alleys. Very believable. No complaining here.
Overall: I’d like to see more descriptions and emotions. You’re doing very well and I like your writing style. Your grammar is a little rough, but whose isn’t? If you have any questions on anything I pointed out, tell me.
I’ll get going to your next chapter tomorrow. This was intense. Ha.
-Jayleigh

This is such a great story! You have good detail and the characters are beautifully portrayed! Each time I read this, it gives me more inspiration to write

Hi Pink!!

It's pretty good. I really enjoyed reading it. I have a question though: Have you read the Mortal Instruments? Because your story sounds strangely similar...

It's funny because I asked myself the very same question. I'm only reading the edited version of the story but it sounds like the same 'story'. If you haven't read it, well, wow, what a coincidence! Seriously!

Anyway, so far, you've got me hooked, I'm going to read your next chapters

Tanya

Great beginning, it hooked me immediatly but was a bit slow, much better as the story went further on however and i cant wait to read the rest

I just would like to say that I loved it. It was a very good piece. One thing that I would like to get out of the way is transitions. This might just be me being crazy, but your transitions seem a bit abrupt. Try and give a subtle push that slides the situation naturally right were you want it. It could be just a little thought, or a strange occurence.
Also, when you are wrting thoughts, you have been using qoutation marks as well as italics. Generally, it's best if you use only the italics for thoughts. If you use them with quotation marks, it's a bit like the character is shouting, or speaking a language that others can't recognize and that you have had to translate. Just thought I'd say that. I may be totally wrong.
Well, other than those things, I couldn't find much. It was very well writen and a great plotline. I absolutly loved the part about the demon and the "spell". Keep writing!

Hi Pink! Nice story! I just read it and noticed a few tiny things...

“I think you’re stupid,” Laelia stated.

Great opening line. That instantly made me curious. C:

they had known each other since they were Five, earlier than that maybe

"Five" doesn't need to be capitalised.

...and blinked at her rapidly.The long thin tribal tattoos...

I know, very nit-picky, but you may need a space between the full-stop and "the".

“Have a nice day, munchkins,” she said with another fake smile.

Ha. What a patronising woman. ^^

We’ll see how he likes that, she laughed.

This makes her feel a bit unstable to me. O.o

“What if someone’s in trouble?”

As Apollo said, you haven't been using speech-marks for thoughts until this point. Well, I'm assuming she's not speaking out loud.

what he was holding…a monster, a thing, a something that she couldn’t exactly name.

I get that from the ellipsis and how she's struggling to find a name for what she's seeing.

pushed her against the wall with force.

I don't like this part. You could just as easily say "slammed her against the wall". Then we don't get the tell-y "with force" at the end.

Overall:
I preferred the first part to the second. The first part was just generally amazing, great descriptions, great narrative voice, etc. But in the second, Lia's voice annoyed me slightly. She sounded a little younger than she did in the first part. Not sure why, maybe it's just me.
I love your dialogue between Zack and Lia. It's just so realistic.

“You know I’m capable of paying for our meal, right?” Lia asked bitterly.
“I’m a dude, and dudes always pay for ladies.”
Lia rolled her eyes. “You’re not a dude, Zack, you’re my friend.” ...
The waitress, who seemed to be ticked off, replied as nicely as she could. “I think the dude has a point.”

I really liked this part.
Actually, I really enjoyed all of it. I hope there's more of this somewhere, 'cause I would definitely like to read it. Could you possible PM me when you post more?

Happy writing!

~EmmaJane~