Magius Trilogy - The Black Emerald Chapter I

Stupid computer crashed and I lost all my data. I had to start over again. Darned technology... grrr...

Chapter I: A Crimson Dawn
The sky caught fire as the sun sank into the trees. As the last precious hours of another day slipped past, a long shadow was cast by the edge of a prodigious cliff that jutted intrudingly out of a snow-capped mountain. It overlapped a dipping valley, which in turn sheltered a crystal river that rushed relentlessly past in its hurry to the sea. The sun glistened resplendently off the water, making it appear as liquid ruby as it flowed past. The trees crowding around the base of the ledge, towering pines and firs, seemed faintly agitated by a slight breeze ruffling their boughs and, as if in some sort of silent protest, sent needles cascading down wildly onto the already blanketed path. On this path two figures headed toward a large village, chatting idly as forest critters scattered before them.
“Well, we didn’t catch much, but it was good to talk about things. I haven’t seen you since you began training with the Watch,” said one figure, trying vainly to smooth a mess of raven black hair.
“Yeah, the training’s pretty intense... I can take it though, it ain’t that tough,” the other figure bragged, slightly taller and more muscular than his companion.
“Right,” said the first figure again, used to his friend’s falsely uninterested air, “But tell me, Searle, what do they actually teach you there? I hope you don’t expect me to believe the garbage you tried to feed me back there at the river, because I’m not going to.”
Searle, suddenly losing his swagger, scratched his head nervously.
“I wish I could, Kirthin, but I... it’s... I just can’t tell you. Can we leave it at that?”
“Hmm. Alright, I respect that. It’s just that I don’t know what you’re doing most of the time. Hell, no one knows what the Watch does.”
“That’s for a reason Kirthin. You wouldn’t understand,” said Searle, sighing and then abruptly changed the subject.
“Anyway, it won’t matter after tonight. Since you’re going to attend that Magic Academy, we probably won’t see each other for months or maybe... maybe never again.”
Kirthin’s heart sank as the reality of what Searle, his closest friend since the two were still very young, had said hit him like an iron fist. He and Searle, the boy that stuck to him ever since his family had died in a tragic fire, the man that now stuck to him closer than his own brother, would have to part ways.
“Never again...” Kirthin repeated in a faint whisper.
The two neared the village. Their home, the village of Mahamiko, was one of the largest in the mountainous realm of Darman. A guard, recognizing the two companions, saluted as they entered through the Forest Gate, one of the few small gates placed in the wooden walls that surrounded Mahamiko. The pair continued down the cobblestone street, passing shops and small thatched cottages. A baker, closing up his shop for the night, gave them a friendly wave as they passed by.
The two friends embraced for a long time before splitting separate ways, Kirthin towards his home, and Searle toward the barracks. Heavy thoughts hung in Kirthin’s mind.
Farewell, brother, it is time we split paths. You have chosen yours, and I mine, but, alas, the paths conflict, and we must part for now. Our new horizons broaden. Will I see you again? I believe so.
The sky was now a blanket of ebony, studded with the twinkling diamonds of stars, graciously cloaking Kirthin’s sorrow as he left his only friend behind and continued on to his new horizon.
Among this misery lay a faint, glimmering realization of hope. He began schooling in the art of magic tomorrow. This had been Kirthin’s life-long dream that would soon be recognized. The price of this, however, was that he must leave a friend behind. Kirthin sighed bitterly and resolved to become the greatest sorcerer Chisst had ever known.

K, can I start by saying I have no idea how you came up with all of the names. I like them, and they are very original.
I liked it, the one big problem I have is that I feel like I started reading somewhere in the middle of the story. I fell like I'm missing something. I don't know, maybe that will change once you get further into the story, and I hope, ever so much, that you do continue this story. Let me know when you get more.

-J.R.S.

The description is stunning where you have it. Perhaps bordering on purple prose, but it probably only seems that way because it's all lumped together at the start. I think it would be better if you spread that description out through the chapter. It would give a sense of movement, as if they're walking through different places. The pine needles falling for example, could happen halfway through their walk so it gives the impression that they've now entered a place with pine needles. Rather than being static, the description would create movement.

Otherwise it was a very good first chapter. The characters are coming alive, and I already have a good grasp on the setting.

Hi, blackpencil, I'll be your reveiewer for today.

I quite like this. Your descriptions are beautiful and evocative--I especially love the bits of personification you have: the river hurrying, the trees dropping needles in protest. They make the setting come alive.

I do have a few concerns about the description--namely, what Hippie said about it all being concentrated in one area. It's a bit off-putting when the first paragraph in a book is description after description. What Hippie said about interspsering description with movement is wonderful advice; follow it.

Some of the descriptions also veer into purple, such as "As the precious hours of another day slipped past". This is mostly because of an overabundance of adjectives and adverbs in some places. You already have some distinct images, created mostly with strong verbs, "hurrying", "cascading", "jutted", for example. Now remove the lard and you'll have some very strong description. In particular, I don't think a single one of your adverbs is necessary, and reexamine some of those adjectives, such as "prodigious"; that one really stuck out for me, and not in a good way.

As for the plot, I can't comment much because there isn't much of it so far, but I'm already liking it. The friendship between Kirthin and Searle feels very realistic and best of all, I can sympathize well with them: friendships drifting apart as the inevitable consequence of advancing years is a universal theme. I like how you've shown their friendship--a lesser writer would simply say "They were best of friends!" and leave it at that, but you display their closeness through the way they interact with each other, Kirthin's bitterness at knowing that this is inevitable, Searle's obvious pain at having to keep things secret from his friend... Both are likeable and sympathetic, though I don't know that much about either yet, though I already get the impression Kirthin is more serious and studious, while Searle is older and more laid-back. I also like the ambition displayed by Kirthin at the end of the chapter, and how his dream is intimately tied with his friendship. His dream does seem a bit grandiose, but he seems the type who would very well achieve it, so it fits well with his personality.

I like, too, that you haven't infodumped on your world. I already know there's something called a Watch, there's a Magic Academy, and the land is called Chisst. I get the feeling the Watch is somewhat military, and very secretive, and the Magic Academy is probably like a university or high school (depending on how old Kirthin is). I know all this, while you've never outright stated any of this about the Watch and Academy. You've introduced the elements of your world gradually, letting readers infer for themselves what they reall mean. There isn't an infodump in sight.

One last thing I would like to caution against is excessive formality in character speech: it's not a problem during Kirthin and Searle's conversation, as both of them talk very naturally, but Kirthin's monologue near the end...ehh...it enters schmaltzy territory. "Alas"? Really?

And lastly, I don't know why, and it might be just me, but every time I read "Chisst" I think "Christ". You might want to consider renaming your land. ^^

All in all, good work. I'm looking forward for more.

PM if you have any questions, comments, and concerns.