A Dragon's Revenge (short story)

His silvery eyes gleamed in the light of the flaming tower. The furious dragon whipped his long, thin spiked tail right in front of my shield. Golden spines were placed on the back of his long copper neck.

All of the other knights gasped as I told the story. I continued.

I ran for my life. He lumbered after me. I turned around and, with my shield protecting my body, I drew my sword and fought with that wild beast for hours. Finally he blew a huge flame and ruined my shield! I didn't run. I was brave and stood up to him. That beast wasn't just huge, but powerful. As his tail whizzed past me once again, I dropped my sword and ran. I, for the first time in my whole life, wished that I had never become a knight. It was too hard.

I came to a small wooden bridge. I ran across it. As soon as I reached the other side, I would be safe. Well, the dragon knew that and he didn't want it to happen. He took a deep breath and blew enough fire to burn down a whole town. Sure enough, just as I stepped off the bridge, it fell. With that he blew one last bit of flame. This time it really did hit me.

So that is why I don't have any hair, eyebrows, or eyelashes at this very moment.

[i]Hi I'm Jaquie's little sister, Searria. I haven't been accepted into the society, because I'm only ten.

Jacquie: She wrote this when she was nine. So be nice. Searria's sensitive. Whoops...that made her mad. Anyway...I've signed her up, but she hasn't been accepted yet...

Searria: Yet.

Jacquie: As I was saying, she hasn't been accepted, and she got impatient, so I'm kindly allowing her to temporarily write under [i]my name. So. This is hers. Be considerate, helpful, but not mean, and age appropriate. Please?

Searria: *glares at Jacquie* then *giggles*

LOL!

I'm tempted to say, it's a really cute story, but I'm afraid Searria might that I'm patronizing. Let me explain:

First of all, I think this is a very well written piece. When writers get older, they decide to use "more sophisticated language." So they layer it with useless adjectives and adverbs, showy nouns and verbs, making it seem foggy and unclear. Guess what that does? It ruins the piece. The simplistic word choice was vivid and interesting, and the way the story was told made it even more interesting. And I love the ending -- it really makes the piece weird and vivid. It's much more different from the usual knight story, and for that, I compliment you.

So, what else?

Just one comment. One of the reasons why I love this piece is because it's short and sweet and tells a fantastic tale with a simple, humorous ending. I can imagine someone telling it to me, and I find myself amused and gasping at all the right parts. It feels like you're telling me the story. So this line seems out of place:

All of the other knights gasped as I told the story. I continued.

It makes the piece a little bit more impersonal, and it was quite a shock reading that. The tone of the piece was such that I was able to get into it again, but the shock of this statement seemed to undo your previous sentences.

So I liked it!

And no -- it's not just because of your age. I read a lot of stories (ask your sister) and it seems like the older readers just read their own stuff over and over again, pick up whatever style they like, and try to imitate it. I find that in younger writers, the style is fresh and different. It's good stuff.

Almost-welcome to YWS!

Hey Searria, the story is really amusing and I simply love the last line of the story! The conversation at the end was also pretty funny; did it really take place for real???
Why don’t you join the yws under 13 years of age group till u are of age? It comes as one of the options when you click for “register.” You make a nice humourous writer. Keep going!!
By the way, you have my sympathy for all of your lost hair; lol!!

The conversation at the end was also pretty funny; did it really take place for real???

Yeah.

Jacquie: Just a note. Most everything in this post is Searria's exact words, but I'm typing them...just to moniter.

Searria: Jacquie...you know I wouldn't do something like that! (This is going a little longer than I intended it to.)

Why don’t you join the yws under 13 years of age group till u are of age?

Jacquie tried it.

I"m glad you guys enjoyed it. and then...*laughs at Jacquie's precision*...I agree with you, Snoink, about that one sentence. (Should we quote it? Jacquie: no, you don't need to)

Okay. I'm done.

*screeches at Jacquie*

Jacquie: What was that for?

Searria: It's annoying! *reads post* I didn't screech!

Is this story sopposed to be a spoof? the ending kinda made me think this hehe.
Well if your trying to make this story seem serious I think you should consider developing parts of your story and making bits deeper...... but hey its a nice little story

I agree with Snoik--I want to say it's a cute story, too, and really...it is. That's not a bad thing, though! And I think it's pretty good since you wrote it when you were nine!

Nice job.

I really enjoyed this story it was humorous and well written.

I loved this story good on you and your on 15 was it.

Whazzuh?

Wow, that is good for a nine year old, I wrote what i thought was a great story when i was nine (lets just say i found it about a week ago YIKES!) any way,

this is really good, there are some emotions here that could be better expanded on but other wise good. I like your descriptions, it makes it seem so real.

Keep up the great writing!

FantasyTeen

Haha, aw... Nice story, Searria! You're better off than I was back when I was a wee lad; I remember the extent of my work was a collection of spoofs of Power Rangers. Keep at it! You'll be a skilled writer in no time, as long as you simply keep writing.

The furious dragon whipped his long, thin spiked tail right in front of my shield.

You'll want to put a comma between "thin" and "spiked."

Golden spines were placed on the back of his long copper neck.

Comma again, this time after "long." And what do you think; would "jutting" sound better than "were placed"? I'm just hunting for words, now.

I turned around and, with my shield protecting my body,

This time, the comma is meant to come before the "and" rather than after.

That beast wasn't just huge, but powerful.

I think it would flow better if you said "That beast wasn't just huge; he was powerful!" But that's changing it a lot, so do what you will!

So that is why I don't have any hair, eyebrows, or eyelashes at this very moment.

...And oh, is that ending ever cute. I'm just glad the knight lived to tell the tale!

~Tarver

Yes, very cute and fun to read...and short! Sometimes the shorter, the better. Highly comical, and i agree with what the others are saying...
the reviews are fun to read as well...how often does THAT happen?

-C

*laughs* first off, love the story. It really made me laugh.

Secondly, I love the way you interact with your sister, J. Haux... it's very cute... almost reminds me of how me and my little sisters talk to each other...

I loved the ending, it made me chuckle a bit. For a 10 year old, it really is good, and you'll only get better with experience Hope you get in a keep writing.

Very good job. I really liked it and I could see it used as a story a character tells within a longer story. It seems like it's dialogue from a character and not the scripted story that comes from serious writers in novels. Also, very good use of action.

One thing that I would suggest though, is to give your audience a sense that this really is a story being told by a character you made up. For example, when you pause the action and say, "All of the other knights gasped as I told the story. I continued." try describing where the knights are at or how they look or something like that. Like if I was writing this, I might say, "I paused for breath, watching the fascinated eyes of my bretheren knights fixed on me with their half eaten dinner laying in front of them, cold and forgotten." See how that really illustrates your story and "paints a picture" for the reader? When I was a young writer it was a challenge to learn to describe what the background and characters were like and not just the actions that happened in the story. But, don't worry it will come with practice.

Thanks for sharing, it's a great start and keep writing.
-Brooke