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WELCOME TO YWS!!! but for the poem it was very simple. I didn't really notice any obvious grammar mishaps but as for the style I believe its more of a story. And there's nothing wrong with a poem that tells a story but this one in particular is missing a few very important elements as a poem. Imagery for one. Everything is straight forward. It could use some metaphors and figurative language. also the imagery that is in it, is very, very cliche. There the classic lines that everyone has heard of. If the narrator feels so strongly for the person than he should express his feelings from his heart not from what's been said before. I hope all that makes sense. Sorry I'm kind of laying on thick as your first post but keep writing it can only get better. Also make sure you connect other peoples they might be good examples!!

Okay, I can see where you were coming from with this, but altogether this wasn't really a poem. It was more like a simple story with no feeling. You were just telling us what was happening.

It's not really easy to write romantic poetry, and especially one about a rickety relationship. They all tend to sound kind of cheesy. But if you really want to make this work, here are my suggestions.

Don't be so quick about what's happening. You need to describe everything that's going on. How you feel, what the girl's (I'm assuming it's a guy talking about a girl) hair smells like. Does she use vanilla scented perfume? And at the end, make it sound like you really want her back. Make the reader feel your pain about losing her.

Make a story out of it. First, you meet. Then you get closer. Then all of a sudden you grow apart. You need to put something in between these steps. When you grow apart, tell why this happened. Maybe you became too busy to see her and you had a fight. It would really take it up a step if you described a fight and the anguished feelings and regrets.

And last, you need to work on your prose if you want to write a poem. Give every line meaning and flow. You could say something like, "But our destinies, similar as they were, fell away from each other, just two souls lost in a crowd." I don't know. Something like that. Hope I helped.

Hiya! I'm Rosey and I'll be your reviewer today.

This is a rather nice story, but I find the metaphor you're trying to pull off (mostly, about the connection that happened between your eyes) falls a bit flat. You only mention a deep connection in the first and last paragraphs, when you could put it in every one. I'm even wondering why you titled the poem the way you did; I expected the emerald eyes to show up a lot more than they did in the work based off the title.

Overall, the story is pretty good and flows naturally, but the "why" and the connection with the eyes is missing in most of the stanzas.

PM me with questions.

~Rosey

I liked it but...


1. It really wasn't a poem more like a story.

2. There was really no point to it.

3. It was kind of cheesy.


What I did like was...

1. The connection to the eyes and how instead of saying green eyes you said emerald.

2. The way you formated the writing.

Nice Romance

It seemed incomplete to me like you skipped a big part, discuss how the speaker feels about the situation, this will help the character develop into someone we can see as a real person, some one we can relate to. This can help move your story along and bring it to a better climax. It might help if if you split it up into separate stanzas to help show time is moving on.

nice poem i think i really felt the love hitting me when i read it o and it also reminded me of my girlfriend when you said the sparkle in the eyes. nice job man o ans good luck writtig more