mage of dragons chapter two part d

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here's part d of arolands leper

Cicerin fitted a golden fletched arrow to his Triddian yew bow. He released, sending the arrow flying through the air whistling. Its mark was made; a Morg fell dead with an arrow half-way imbedded in his head.
Oagle drew three throwing axes from his belt. He gestured towards his target, then released. Two of the axes collided, making them turn diagonally. The other ax bounced several times before it collided with a Morg chest. The other two found the same target, and their victim fell dead.
Oagle looked at the elf smiling, soon the will be too close for yur arrows.
Then I guess you’ll have to fight for me, dwarf, Cicerin said releasing another arrow into a Morg.
The dwarf lord grunted and lashed his Grolmn in the flank with a chain whip. Oagle released his last throwing ax into the closest Morg.
Scimitars and swords were jabbed at the dwarf who sat stop his four horned Grolmn. The large, tough skinned, beast ran through the crowd while Oagle opened flesh and killed two with his double-bladed ax. The lower left horn of the large beast impaled the leader, his weight causer the Grolmn to tip over as with its rider. Oagle immediately jumped off rolling clumsily on the ground, he tried to maintain control over his balance. Two Morgs quickly jumped at him, the dwarf hit one in the face the pommel of his axe and the other with the flat of his ax blade. He chopped the head off of the Morg on the ground and swung his blade into the gut of the other. Oagle smiled looking at the five dead Morgs.
Oagle watched as the seven other Morgs charge the heirs of mastery. Withomi had dismounted from his Ormr, his staff was raised high above his head firing bolts of lightning. Dyókä fired ball of fire at Morgs that dared to approach her. She clawed at the same time she bit the head off another.
The silver haired prince stood next to his silver stallion waiting for the approaching Morgs. A Morg swung for the prince’s head. Anotin side-stepped, leaving a vulnerable spot on the Morgs chest. Anotin paid no heed to the opportunity, he swung his sword and his blade tasted blood. The ruby hilted sword sliced the black mans chest open then Anotin backed away form his opponent a foot, then he drove his all of his wait into one foot. With his momentum, the silver haired prince drove forward with a fury of swings. The Morg fell dead with out a head. Anotin laughed at the last retreating Morg.
The retreating Morg charged at the defenseless elf, for he had used the limited amount of arrows that he had except for one. One Morg charged at the Elven prince with a menacing roar. Cicerin release his arrow into the forehead of the Morg. He staggered backward and fell on his back a few feet in front of Cicerin. He ran over to the arrow and grabbed it out from the dead corpse. Cicerin charged at the oncoming black man and the tow collided, the elf blocked with the shaft of his bow and stabbed the Morg in eye with his remaining arrow.
Filthy creatures, Cicerin said spitting on the corpse. These creatures were created only so they can litter our land with carrion and death.
Look! Anotin shouted on a hill atop his silver stallion.
His companions walked next to him and saw a battle raging across the field. The clash of blue and red was confusing. The Morgs may have been high in numbers, but the Arrorians had skill and military tactics. The blue army was in a checkerboard formation made for advancement amount the enemies ranks. Amongst a fray was a chestnut horse and a group of men clad in green tunics. The green cloaked man hacked and opened flesh with his amber hilted sword. His battle cries were menacing. The cloaked rider attacked the left flank of Kammad-Fie’s Morg army. The red army sank into the blue and the Morgs were cut down.
you live to die in glory
hail the aesir and vanir
hail the asatru




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Hi! I'm Mira!

Nitpicks:

Oagle looked at the elf smiling,"Soon they will be too close for your arrows.

This sentence took me a moment to understand, but I realized that Oagle is talking. When writing dialogue, it is best to add quotation marks before and after what is being said. ;) 'The' should be 'they.' 'Yur' should be 'your.' I bolded the corrections. ;)

The lower left horn of the large beast impaled the leader, his weight causing the Grolmn to tip over as with its rider.

'Causer' should be 'causing.'

Two Morgs quickly jumped at him, the dwarf hit one in the face with the pommel of his axe and the other with the flat of his ax blade.

I think placing the word 'with' after 'face' would help this sentence out. ;)

Withomi had dismounted from his Ormr, his staff was raised high above his head firing bolts of lightning.

Who's Withomi? This character just suddenly showed up. I was a bit confused because I had no idea who she was and the entrance was very quick. However, if she's from a part of a different chapter, then the fault is mine for not knowing.

The Morg fell dead without a head


Cicerin charged at the oncoming black man and the two collided. The elf blocked with the shaft of his bow and stabbed the Morg in eye with his remaining arrow.


The clash of blue and red was confusing.

Don't just tell us that the battle is confusing, show us. ^-^ Tell us how the colors mix together, weapons seemed to be everywhere, no side seemed to be tiring more...

The blue army was in a checkerboard formation made for advancement amount the enemies ranks.

'Amount' doesn't seem to fit into this sentence. Maybe 'against' would work?

:arrow: Characters: I don't feel like I got the chance to meet your characters correctly. I'd like to know a bit more about them and their personalities. They also are a little too perfect with their weapon skills. We'd like to see them make a mistake once in a while. ;)

:arrow: Plot: The plot was very interesting. I feel that this has major potential. :)

:arrow: Description: Though I have a very good idea of what is going on, I feel that the description of this piece could be a bit better. Show us what happens. ^-^

:arrow: Overall: Though just a bit of work needs to be done, this piece has a lot of potential and I'm excited to see where it will go. :) Just remember to add quotations to any dialogue and add to your characters a bit.

If you write any more or have any questions, please PM me. ^-^ And sorry if I sounded harsh or anything.

Smiles!
~Mira
"Smiles make the world go round." ~ Me




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Hiya! I'm Rosey and I'll be your reviewer today.

So, let me just say I haven't read the past parts. I'd suggest making them titled a bit more clearly, so readers don't have to hunt for part one.

The amount of detail you have here isn't really needed. Extra detail like that can be called "dead weight" because it doesn't do anything. It also makes readers have to slug through more description to get to the important bits. Readers are generally smart in picturing things and don't need every single detail described for them. Just give us one key detail, or even just an adjective, so we can get a general picture of a person or setting in our head. This is especially true for battle scenes, when all readers want to know is what happens next.

I'd take the time and add quotations marks to this, just so it's clearer what's dialogue and what's not. It is possible to write without quotation marks, but that involves making it one hundred percent clear what the dialogue is. You don't have that, so it would be easier for you to just use quotation marks.

PM me with questions!

~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.



I always prefer to believe the best of everybody; it saves so much trouble.
— Rudyard Kipling