Pessimist

In this dark night,
of shaking, painful, fear--
my eternal pessimist breaks down
his walls. Watching me,
his fingertips on my cheeks
as he absorbs my anxiety.
I am here, my love, I am
here. And this dream I've had
leaves me broken-- quavering,
though never alone.
He is there, sleep confused,
and clinging to me.
I breathe in these deep
wavering breaths-- and wonder;
how the pessimist has changed.
From words of spite and bitter anger
to loving, compassionate, praise.



The main problem I feel is that it seems unfinished to me, but I am not sure what else to say.

Would love some advice

I'm sorry, but I really didn't understand it. The pessimist you're describing seems more like an optimist. I loved your imagery, though!

That's kinda the point.

I love it, but I agree it seems unfinished. It literally needs about two lines at the end, I'm not up to this standard of poetry at all, but it could work if you said something like "My pessimist, my optimist." And I know that is terrible, but I find it hard to finish other poems. Basically, you need something final that sums up the whole idea of the poem, it needs to be short, not too wordy, but still quite loving and tender. If none of that makes any sense, I'm sorry.

-Aqua

Hi Tiff. Let me nitpick you first.

In this dark night,
of shaking, painful, fear--

Right, so I'm seeing this as either "of shaking, painful fear" or "shaking, pain, fear" - which one is the correct interpretation? Because you should fix the punctuation to fit what you meant. You can't really say "night of painful" without sounding off.

sleep confused

This sounds a bit funny too.

I breathe in these deep
wavering breaths

I couldn't help thinking you could replace some words here to avoid the repetition. Of course, it emphasizes the meaning, but I myself tend to avoid it at most times. There are probably people out there who are bigger fans of repetition as an effect than me. =)

to loving, compassionate, praise.

I think this line suffers from the same thing than the one I first pointed out. It's loving and compassionate praise, eh?

Watching me,
his fingertips on my cheeks
as he absorbs my anxiety.

I think I like this bit best. I just adore the word "absorb" – it's so versatile and gives many possibilities, plus I love how it sounds, heh.


I'm sort of wavering about this poem. (haha) I like what you're saying with it, I like it a lot, the meaning, the idea, the overall basis, the conclusion and everything. But then I felt you could've brought it forth much more with, for example, your word choices, which were at places a bit unsurprising and artless. Right now I feel that the poem didn't quite give enough justice to the strength of pessimism, which as a concept is really quite powerful.

I believe you have the resource to really make this shine.


Demeter
x

I enjoyed this one. At points it seemed a little vague as to what you were trying to say, but what I'm basically getting from it is that the speaker (or "pessimist") has some anxiety, and there is some force out there that is allowing the pessimist to become more optimistic. But I agree: there is something lacking in the ending. It's perfectly set up for something to conclude it, but there's nothing there.

You wouldn't need more than two or three lines to finish this up. I think it just needs some commentary about the change, which seems to switch from pessimist to optimist. Comment on the change, or comment on how the opposites attract to each other. It's really just lacking in closure, and I think any sort of closure you give it will be the perfect ending.

Great job! Keep it up,
kf

Hiya Tiff!

You're right, it does feel slightly unfinished. I think it's because of this line:

my eternal pessimist breaks down
his walls.

It seems in reverse, especially with the next line talking about the MC being anxious, and "him" being the one changing the MC's pessimism. It just doesn't add up to me, unless these lines were to be expanded upon. Everything else fits with the tone and theme of the poem except that.

Maybe a suggestion to end it is him waking up and asking if the MC is alright? That would tie-in the dream world to the real one, and would give a more cyclical feel to the poem. I'd like to see that, just because there's a cyclical feel already but it's not exactly complete. Something in the real world, a physical manifestation of the dream or a contradiction of the past, would finish the cycle.

I did like this though. It's a well-crafted poem that I, at least, can relate to very nicely.

PM me with questions!

~Rosey