Different - chapter one

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Chapter One – Strange crowd

Eli stared. She tried to swallow, but her throat was completely dry. The guard pushed her a step further. She shot him an irritated glance. "No way," she said in disbelief. "A prison?"
The man didn't seem to be able to hear her. He tugged on her cuffs again, urging her forward.
Eli ground her teeth. "No," she said stubbornly. "I want to know what's happening here!" As if this gorilla of a man wasn't enough, as if the white hallway, spooky and sterilized, wasn't enough – the doors were huge, with locks on them. Like a prison. "I'm not going in there willingly," Eli warned.
This time the guard pushed her forward a little less delicately. Eli grunted as she took a few paces. She swore in her heart. She couldn't really remember telling Uncle Benjamin goodbye, but she wasn't worried about that – he'd come visit her soon. And he said she was supposed to go with these people… At least she was allowed to go with her own clothes. Eli closed her eyes tightly. I want to go home, she thought persistently. Like the girl in that famous story, she'd clack her heals and she'll be back home with Uncle Benjamin, and he'd home-school her like before, and the world would be right again.
The darkness behind her eyes wasn't dark at all – bright sparks of color were coloring her lids, entertaining her as the guard forced her to walk on further. Stumbling, she heard the sound of a door open. And then the firm hands of the guard were pushing her in, and then there was a metallic swing, and the sound of a ringing silence. Only then did she dare open her eyes.
For a moment, Eli thought the trick in the book had worked, only she'd done something wrong. The room itself was square, but the ceiling was lined with stripes – black and white – and there, in the middle of the room, on the strange lined floor, sat a youth.
His skin was an unsettling white, like the stripes, like people in old movies, Eli thought weakly. His hair was black, like the streaks around the room. His ragged shirt was the same pale color of his face, and his long pants as dark as his hair. He looked up, his eyes a dark abyss. Eli no longer tried to swallow. They were dead – his eyes were the deadest thing she'd ever seen. She stumbled back, searching for the door. It wouldn't open.
The locks. The damn locks. Eli whirled around. The youth was still sitting on the white-black surface, staring at her with those lifeless eyes. I'm dead, was the only thing Eli managed to think. A parallel universe. An impossible creature.
Eli felt the panic build in her throat. Trapped. Like a tiny mouse, ready to be captured by the cat. That's what she was here for – they were going to kill her! So she did the only thing she could. All the while, the youth sat on the floor, completely silent. The scream that escaped Eli's mouth only made his twitch. He rubbed his ears. "That's not a very nice thing to do," he said quietly. Eli didn't answer. No, no, no. "Considering you're a monster too," the young man continued. Not possible. No such thing.
"Give her a break," a girl with thick honey curls drawled. She batted her eyelids, her pose confident. Eli could gratefully see her clothes had color in them – a red shirt, with a pair of blue jeans. However, she did not move from her place. The guy had said 'monster'. He said she was a monster too. Did that mean…? Eli stopped herself short. She was a freak. There was not point hoping for salvation.
She struggled to make her body move; she felt stuck. "I-I'm, I'm Eli," she managed, unsure of what to say. It felt uncomfortable, worrying about petty things such as being introduced, when they were in this strange room, with this strange person.
"Leila," the girl said, voice lazy. "Zi, you're coming?" she called a little louder. Eli turned around as a third youth appeared from a door in the side of the room. She was pretty sure that that door hadn't been there before. The youth was tall, walking in with a firm step, giving off an air of leadership. Somehow, he seemed older – not by age – but something about his face was grave.
"New comer," he said, tilting his head. The action caused his brown hair to fall to the side. His skin had an olive tone to it, his brown eyes cautious. Eli nodded slowly. There was definitely no door. Definitely.
The new youth, whom Leila had called Zi turned to face the young man on the floor, the one with the frightening pale skin and hollow eyes. "Elijah," he said, a new edge in his voice. Maybe it was annoyance? "Stop – it." The guy on the floor stared inertly at him for a few seconds. Then the lines started receding, revealing a rather muddy looking green.
"It's like a swamp, isn't it?" asked a small voice next to Eli brightly. She started. "Oh, sorry," said the small girl apologetically, flicking her long autumn hair, one that reached her lower back wildly, almost as if never cut. Her happy blue eyes searched Eli's face. "We didn't mean to startle you," she added.
Eli shook her head slowly. "You didn't startle me." Pathetically, her voice broke. She tried again after clearing it. "No, that's… um, okay."
The small girl smiled."We're Twister," she introduced herself, reaching a short arm to Eli. The girl couldn't have been more than four years old, her gaze soft, her arms chubby. She wore a hand knit sweater in bright green and yellow, her pants worn out.
Eli took it gently. She tried to watch her temper carefully, so that the girl wouldn't burn her hand accidentally."I'm Eli," she said, trying to smile. It felt jumbled up and wrong on her face.
"Like Elijah!" Twister clapped her hands. "You know, he named us?"
Eli avoided looking at him. So they'd both been here that long… But some tiny concern was playing on Eli's nerves before she could worry about that too much – one little thing… "Twister… you're supposed to say 'I' instead of 'us', you know."
The little girl's face stayed just as smooth as before. Her bright blue eyes seemed a bit unfocused. "What?" she asked dazedly.
"I said…" Eli started again. Then she shook her head. "Never mind. Why did he pick Twister?" she asked. It seemed such an odd name, yet perfectly fitted for this girl.
The girl grinned widely, the glint in her eyes returning. "He said that before we came his life was boring, and that we twisted it all up." She pulled her hand out of Eli's only to hang it on Eli's sleeve. "Besides," she continued, as if the gesture meant little. "Our real name's Twit, because Elijah said we never shut up." She smiled in sympathy.
"That's not very nice," Eli objected.
The girl giggled, pulling on Eli's sleeve slightly to capture her attention. "No, he's actually kind of right," she said honestly.
Eli couldn't help grinning back. "My real name is Elizabeth, so I'm not using my real name either. See, Elizabeth is too long," she explained.
"Eli," called the first girl, Leila, her voice bored. "Welcome to the division."
Eli turned around to face her. She was holding Zi's hand in hers, her face somewhat smug.
"The division?" Eli asked. That didn't ring any bells. What division?
"No," Elijah interrupted, his brow crumpled. His skin still seemed very pale, but at least human now, his hair the same black color. His eyes had a spark of life in them, but the brown was so deep that it seemed all black. It didn't really seem that strange – Eli thought she'd be scared if she'd see someone with eyes as dark – she was used to color. But it seemed sort of all right, just for him.
He shook his head, making the black hair swing around him. "No," he said again. "Welcome to the Strange Crowd."
"Strange Crowd, Strange Crowd!" little Twister cheered.
Leila's golden eyebrows pulled down. "Would you stop with that ridiculous name already?" Eli noticed from the corner of her eye how Zi's hold on Leila's hand loosened.
"No," Elijah insisted obstinately. "We keep the name."
Leila's cheeks grew a very bright red. "Fine!" she lashed out. "Do what you want!" Eli had a feeling that she wasn't only talking to him.
As the girl stomped her way to the wall, a door appeared, a door that was undeniably not there moments ago. Leila walked through it, slamming it shut loudly.
Eli shifted uncomfortably in her place. "Shouldn't… someone… you know, go after her?" she asked mildly.
Elijah twisted his face in a scowl. "No way – just when she finally left?"
Zi's face was remote, his brown eyes vague. "She made a choice to walk out," he said calmly. "I believe we should respect that."
Eli felt a tug on her right arm. Twister was pouting. "Leila's never nice to us," she said in a disgruntled tone, her cream skin standing out even more in the green background. "Not like you're nice to us." She waited a moment. "We like you."
Eli's cheeks flushed. "I-I suppose I like you too," she stammered.
Zi coughed absentmindedly. "I'm… going to go rest now," he said in a rush. He didn't look half as formal anymore.
"Wait!" Eli cried. He seemed like the closest thing to authority around here. "The doors!" she said desperately. "I can't see them –"
The youth didn't turn around. "Elijah's doing it," he said behind his back before he headed out like Leila.
Eli took comfort in the slight tugging sensation on her arm. Focusing on that, she turned around. "What's beyond the door?" she asked.
Elijah clicked his fingers together, and then the stripes were back, all around her. His eyes lost living tint again. "Scary things…" he hissed.
Twister shrieked. "Don't do that!" she cried.
Elijah smiled feebly. "Sorry," he apologized, his face going soft. Within seconds, the lines disappeared. "Just scaring the new girl."
Twister stomped her little foot. "Then don't! We like her."
Elijah sprang off the floor. "Then let's give her a tour of the house, right?" he asked placidly.
Twister reached out her free hand towards him. He took it limply, finally looking up at Eli. "Sorry about that. You must not understand what's going on."
Eli shook her head helplessly. "Not really," she said truthfully.
"Then come on, we'll show you your new home." He gestured with his head at the wall, where there were now two different doors.
"Hold on," Eli hesitated. "My Uncle Benjamin's going to come visit me, but until then, when are we allowed out?"
Elijah stared at her with a strange expression that made her want to look away. Twister tugged on her arm gently. Facing the two, Eli felt something big was on the way.
"No one's allowed out," Twister said quietly, her blue eyes half shut, numb again.
"Or in," the youth put in.
Eli felt her heart sinking as fear made it beat faster. "What do you mean?" she asked. Her voice sounded strained.
"The Strange Crowd," Elijah repeated. "We're all we've got."
Eli felt the tears slipping down her nose as panic bubbled to her throat. "Go away," she said in a rush as a new kind of panic struck her. Her temper – the fire – they needed to go before they got hurt!
But Twister held her arm, the soft pressure a reminder. "Fire and wind," she said, smiling a satisfied grin. "We're going to get along."
Elijah however seemed wary. "Yes, we all know that, Twit – now how about you go clean your room so that Eli could see it when it's nice?"
Twister pouted.
Eli's hands were growing warmer. "Yes," she hurried to say. "I'd love to see it when it's clean!"
Twister heaved a sigh. "All right," she grumbled. With quick steps, she crossed the door.
Eli held her hands together tightly. "Go away," she groaned. The fire was spreading inside her – it would be just a matter of seconds until it'd be unleashed. He mustn't be there when that happens.
"I'd rather stay," was all the youth said.
Eli shrugged. She couldn't think about anything but the blazing fire in her hands. "Fine," she managed, and then everything went dark, and then bright again.
The olive walls were covered with dark stripes, and the floor around her was especially tainted, but other than that, it was kind of okay. The fire didn't catch on to the strange substance at all. Eli breathed in relief.
"That's all?" Elijah asked from the corner. He had an ugly scarlet burn on his right palm, which was still held out to cover his face, and his clothes were tainted with the same coals. "Really –" He smiled. "I expected more."
Eli stumbled back a few steps. "How come you aren't…?" Her voice trailed on.
"Scared to death?" The youth raised a dark eyebrow.
Eli shrugged. "I was going to say dead, but that works too."
Elijah's smile widened. "The Strange Crowd," he said simply. "We're the same."
Eli nodded. "Oh." Then she smiled. "Oh."
Elijah turned to look at the room, a slight awe on his face. "But I have to hand it to you – well done."
Eli blushed. "W-will I have to clean it?" she stammered. The youth appraised her from the corners of his eyes.
"No," he said at last. "You don't have to. I'll do it." He pushed up the white sleeves of his shirt.
"No, I'll help!" Eli hastily pushed up the sleeves of her own shirt. Her auburn hair swung in its braid as she shook her head.
"Suit yourself," Elijah said, smiling impishly. "Just try to keep up." He clicked his fingers together, and suddenly the coals were wiped clean, and the floor was spotless. Everything was the way it was before the fire.
Eli turned her head a fraction to his direction, not looking in his eyes. "How do you call that?" she asked timidly.
"Distorting reality," the youth said brightly. "Very fun, really."
"Oh," Eli said, turning to look at the green walls again.
"That's how Twit gets to see the world," Elijah added, his hands deep in his pants pockets. He turned to stare at the walls too.
"Twister, she's…" Eli searched for the word. "Well, she's unique." She thought it through for another moment. "I like her," she decided at last.
From the side, Elijah snickered. "Yeah, she's special alright."
"She says us instead of I," Eli commented passively. "It's a bit…" She hesitated.
"Yeah," Elijah agreed, looking away from the wall. "Yeah, she's a bit… odd, that way, but…" His black eyes found the grey ones. "Isn't she fine just the way she is?"
Eli nodded. "We're the Strange Crowd, right?" she said. "We're supposed to be different."
Elijah startled. "Right," he approved with a grin. Then he turned his head towards the door. "And I just cleaned up, too…" he groaned.
"What?" Eli asked in puzzlement, staring at the same direction.
"Twit's getting upset," Elijah muttered. "Let's go see her room now." As they both stumbled forward, Eli could see the girl with the honey curls, Leila, and the guy with the brown hair walking silently side by side, waiting for them to pass the door. Leila's face was strained, her eyes puffy. "Get it all out, you guys," Elijah encouraged with fake enthusiasm. "Just don't ruin things too much," he warned, becoming serious. "Or else you're cleaning up that mess." Zi merely grimaced as Leila scowled. They both nodded stiffly.
"You guys fight?" Eli whispered in a rush, staring at the two behind her back.
Elijah sniggered. "'Course we do," he said. "You try it – it's a lot of fun."
"You guys have fun here?" Eli asked with uncertainty. Elijah's face became serious.
"Oh, we try," he said darkly. "Kind of hard when they keep you all locked up like a fugitive."
Eli remembered her reproach at the heavy locks on the doors. She nodded. "Yeah, I know what you mean."
"if you were waiting for the opportune moment... that was it." - Captain Jack Sparrow




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Aw man! I had a review all written up nice and now it's gone! Waa!
Oh well, third times the charm. :roll:
I like your writing style it's flows nicely and it's easy to follow. Even though I'm not sure what's going on, it feels like you know anyway. Your characters each have their own individual personalities, which is really good.
I will definitely read the rest if you post it so please do! :P
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Look to Jesus.:)




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That was awesome! It had a good hook, and got me interested right away. Could you, at the beginning, put more of an indication that Eli is different from other people? Also, where is this place that they are locked in? Is it really a prison?




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Hiya! I'm Rosey and I'll be your reviewer for today.

So, this was okay. I found the work hard to understand mostly because you switch between your MC's PoV and an outside narrator, with no limitations as to who's head they're in. Stick to one or the other. If you stay in your MC's head, only describing what she sees, then don't describe what's behind her. Reason I'm not talking too much about the "outside" voice is because that's an omniscient tone, and it can be extremely hard to do well. And since you spend most of your time in the MC's head, then it's best to just stay in her head and describe things accordingly.

PM me with questions!

~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.




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Okay, I'm Rena. Short review today:
I like it. I really did. It was interesting and pretty easy to follow, too. It was almost funny how the other kids are like 'crazy' I guess I could say and Eli is not like them what-so-ever but on the other hand, she's there for a reason so she probably is a little crazy or weird, too. But bottom line, good job. I wanna read the next part now and see what happens.
Keep it up!
rena;;let the future pass and don't let go




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And I'm back for an explanation!

Mostly, I found the way the guard handled her was a bit too visually described for the guard being behind her and her eyes being closed. She should be doing more feeling then "seeing" at this point. As in, when he pushes her forward, she feels his hand on her shoulder.

I've also noticed that at first you have her shackled and the guard in front of her, but after he goes behind her and her shackles vanish. A little detail but I found it confusing.

As I moved on, I found that the description of the fire was a bit... flat. I know it's supposed to be normal for her, but it's not normal for us. You also have a third-person view here, so you can afford to describe the fire just a bit more than what you have. I find that's really the thinnest part here: the fire and the aftermath.

Hope that clears things up! PM me if you have any other questions.

~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.




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Well, I really liked this. It was a bit confusing mostly because you don't tell the reader why Eli's there, or what the place is. I'm sure you'll explain that in the next chapter, though.

It seemed like you introduced the characters too quickly. It might be better if, instead of having them all introduced in Chapter 1, you left some for later so that the reader doesn't feel overwhelmed.

You did a pretty good job with the characters, though. My only complaint is that Eli and Elijah's names are too similar. Other than that, the story was great. Twister was especially a good character, with the whole "we" thing. Does she have voices in her head or something? I hope so. Nothing livens up a story like crazy people. :)

Pm me if you put up the next part. I'd love to read more!


~ Maggie
“Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass.” Anton Chekhov




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Back again. ^^ Sorry for the delay; hopefully, this will still be helpful to you.

Okay, what I felt this lacked at the start was a good bit of description to get my teeth into - going through what the prison looks like would certainly help set up the atmosphere, the tone. Is it dark? Mysterious? Frightening? We know that Eli is in disbelief, but we don't know at first whether that's caused by anger, or pain, or fear, or worry. And first impressions do that. They stay with us. We need an image to stay with both Eli and us. Another thing - I get the feeling that she's outside at the start, but then you say:

As if this gorilla of a man wasn't enough, as if the white hallway, spooky and sterilized, wasn't enough – the doors were huge, with locks on them. Like a prison. "I'm not going in there willingly," Eli warned.

So now I think they're inside, but Eli says she doesn't want to go in. Are they talking about a room inside the prison, such as a cell, or something? If they are, then surely it would be the looks on the outside that would make it seem like a prison. As you can see, it's a little of place.

That said, I still find your flow and general writing style well-constructed and interesting. The character development is going along nicely, too.

they were going to kill her!

Without the exclamation mark, this would probably be more effective.

Anyway, I kind of felt that your descriptions were a little weak in other places, too - in the striped room, I'm led to believe that the boy is alone with Eli, because that's all you describe (though you did it well). But then when the girl speaks, Eli isn't surprised, so we know that Eli could already see her. As if she's hiding her from us. :wink: And that's bad, since she's whose viewpoint we're tracking.

I struggled with the long section of dialogue in here. There's a lot of information to take in, and the little description you throw in there, with the fire, isn't enough. Like Rosey said, it needs to be more exciting and powerful. Eli thought she was going to kill them, and all she did was shrug? Seems a little unrealistic, to me. A good description of that moment - certainly helpful in developing Eli's character, this being the first shot at her powers - would break up that dialogue and give us something different.

Anyway, great! I enjoyed this more than the first chapter, but like I said, descriptions! PM me with any questions. =)

Best
Blinky
"A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction." ~ Oscar Wilde



An existential crisis a day keeps the writer's block away <3
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