a rose for the abused..

I loved it! Although like everyone else I'm gonna say maybe not the 2 by 4 and I'm almost 100% you meant petals. Peddles and pedals don't work in there.
Really beautiful though! And the Title is amazing!

he setting sun,
upon the open field,
where we played and laughed,
we fought
and I cried.

I remember the blood spilling
ever so clearly,
smashed in the face
with a 2 by 4,
my body rolling down the hill
landing in that very field.

Its here I lay
ever so softly,
the world spinning,
my eyes closing,
left to wonder

why.

Fading from my own view,
I begin to watch myself
from the sky,
the bird's eye view,
twisting and soaring,
leaving my body in ruins.

I see the field now
with the golden sun,
the kid in the grass,
the blood on him.

And it is here I see
the rose of my life,
my blood
its peddles,
my body
the stem,
the field
my home,
the sun
my release.

This poem is just magnificient.
I dunno what to say, well maybe because I am not a good reviewer.
Well anyways I am doing this because I have written a story and now I dont have points to submit it.
Well anyways your poem was genuinely nice.
Keep it up.

Superb! The poem is very good.

But, I really couldn't figure out the second stanza. What really happened? Was there was some war going on?

I remember the blood spilling
ever so clearly,
smashed in the face
with a 2 by 4,
my body rolling down the hill
landing in that very field.

The bold part doesn't fit in properly. It breaks the dramatic flow of the poem.

But, otherwise, the poem was really gripping. Keep it up!

silented1 wrote:I see the field now
with the golden sun,
the kid in the grass,
the blood on him.

I absolutely love this little bit here. It's so sad but...lifting, sorta? Lol that probably doesn't make sense, but anyway, I really loved this poem. Well done, keep up the good work

Hi.
I loved your poem. It was vivid and clear. It was also subtle yet at the same time, hard hitting.
The 2 by 4 doesn't seem to be the best way to kill you MC off. Try for a softer means of death...perhaps being beaten to death in the field? (I mean write it softer, as being beaten to death is hardly softer!) It screams abuse more than a 2 by 4 does. That screams a one off rage.
The last line made me shudder-I love poems that do that! I think it was the child's abused remains being compared to a rose that clinched it for me.

All in all,a superb poem.
Can't wait to hear more,
Woozey

thank you all...reading these new comments really cheered me up...thank you all so much =]

if you'd like to read more i do have a blog too

I like the poem it reachs to people. I could image what was going on. I think that it did flow well but not so well in some places. the words for the poem are ok. The abuse to the kid come be different. The name to the poem stands out. It stands out a lot to me because my half brother was abused by his mother. So I could see that happening because you don't really know who is getting abused.

Silented,

Absolutely beautiful! Skimming through most of the reviews, I think the blatant errors were already mentioned, just don't forget to go back and fix them ^^. The last stanza was innovative and had an amazing effect. The descriptions you used throughout really depicted the scene well.

The only thing I would suggest is to clean it up a little. Be sure that you are using the most effective words possible. Also, there are certain repeated phrases,

I remember the blood spilling,
ever so clearly, this line is unnecessary
smashed in the face
with a 2 by 4,
my body rolling down the hill
landing in that very field.

Its here I lay
ever so softly

The second use of the "ever so..." kind of works poetically. The use of the word 'softly' helps with the imagery, but if you think of its content it makes no sense. How can you lay softly? Maybe you should add "breathing" in there so that it reads:

Its here I lay
breathing ever so softly.

Other than that, it really was a wonderful read. I love how you took such a dark topic that encompasses so much pain and emotion and yet you manage to add a more ethereal quality to the theme - brought about the image in our minds in an artistic , poetic way rather than a violent/disturbing one. For that, I applaud you. I thoroughly enjoyed this! Keep writing

~ Audy

Hi! Great poem. My only problem is that you say "peddles" I assume you mean "petals", like those on a flower, not pedal like others have suggested.
Overall, great work!

Thank you all, so much. It means a a lot to me.

Well The Two by four didn't fit it killed the mood, if you used another sort of weapon it would fit perfect. Nevertheless your poem is lovely, I loved the last stanza. I Hope your proud of your work.

wow....ur writing in this poem was really good!it was too deep for me to understand, but it was really awesome!and i liked the first stanza...it was the most understandable to me. i think the deepest part of your poem was the very end. That had to be the most confusing part to me, but keep writing!

This poem was really deep. I liked the way you used symbols at the end. The way it changed from long lines full of pain, to short lines filled with symbols. I can't really explain it, but it was good. That is all I have to say. I can't find anything wrong with it, it was wonderful

Tha last words took my breath away....it's really worth reading, though there are some moments, that do not sound as they are supposed to, but all in all it is a very good work