a rose for the abused..

The setting sun,
upon the open field,
where we played and laughed,
we fought
and I cried.

I remember the blood spilling
ever so clearly,
smashed in the face
with a 2 by 4,
my body rolling down the hill
landing in that very field.

Its here I lay
ever so softly,
the world spinning,
my eyes closing,
left to wonder

why.

Fading from my own view,
I begin to watch myself
from the sky,
the bird's eye view,
twisting and soaring,
leaving my body in ruins.

I see the field now
with the golden sun,
the kid in the grass,
the blood on him.

And it is here I see
the rose of my life,
my blood
its peddles,
my body
the stem,
the field
my home,
the sun
my release.

First Impressions

The images that you've created give a clear picture, but one stanza in particular doesn't seem to fit the rest.

I remember the blood spilling
ever so clearly,
smashed in the face
with a 2 by 4,
my body rolling down the hill
landing in that very field.

It's the image of a 2 by 4 that doesn't fit the rest. It's so vivid when the rest is very soft. It doesn't seem to mesh well with the rest of the idea. From what I gather you're going for abuse, or the idea of a fight, the 2 by 4 seems like a very random last minute addition that simply doesn't work.

Flow

I actually quite love the longer stanzas and then the fall into choppy, fragmented thoughts. I think the effect of it is quite moving and very well done.

Once again the one stanza that doesn't flow as the rest is the one above, I think that perhaps a reworking of that little part is in order.

Overall

I love the idea you have here, and the last stanza in particular stands out beautifully. It's really great.

You've got some great imagery and some wonderful ideas going on in this piece, and I am really impressed by it.

Hope this helps

OverEasy

Wow, this is very impressive! I'll second the above review on that one stanza, though. It feels out of the flow of the rest of the poem.

Also:

Fading from my own view,
I begin to watch myself
from the sky,
the bird's eye view,

'View' is slightly redundant here. Use a different word.

its peddles,

What are peddles? ^^ I think it's "pedals" you want here.

The last stanza is very brief and powerful. I love it.

Keep up the good work!

-Hawks-

You have done it again silented. You awed me. I love this poem, but like they said the 2 by 4 didn't fit. Other than that it is amazing.

may i get some more reviews ?

Hey Silented, here I am as I promised!

The setting sun,
upon the open field,
where we played and laughed,
we fought
and I cried.

This is a peaceful image to start a poem. The end of the stanza sort of saved it from being too plain, and I think it's a good solution what you have here, especially when the next stanza is more gory.

its peddles,

Yeah, I think you definitely meant "pedals", because "peddle" means "to sell."


One thing I would re-think about if I were you is the stanza after the "why." You describe how the narrator starts seeing himself from above, and this is generally the most common way an out-of-body experience is described. With that in mind, I would like it if you took a more unique way of examining it and executing it to this poem.

(Also, remember: its =/= it's.)

The final stanza is my favourite part of the poem, I hope you're proud of it. Overall, well done, and I hope this helped!


Demeter
x

Wow, Eddie!

This is good; I can honestly say that you've come a long way. Your poetry is steadily improving (and even if you don't think so, I promise, it is ).

I like the whole 2 x 4 thing in some ways-- I understand that it's not only a literal expression, and so forth, but I partially agree with Tiff on that it stands out; incorporate it into your poem a little more, dear, and make sure the surrounding stuff fits with it (meaning, make sure that they carry the same tone, and that what comes after doesn't seem too different from the rest).

Also, here, where Demi says:

Yeah, I think you definitely meant "pedals", because "peddle" means "to sell."

I think she means petals, because a pedal is the thing on a bike. Nice work here, Ed. Keep it up.

June

Wow, that was amazing. But it was the laast stanza:
"And it is here I see
the rose of my life,
my blood
its peddles,
my body
the stem,
the field
my home,
the sun
my release.
that really blew me away. I love how descriptive you are. Bravo!!

Nice!!
I like it!!

Hey Eddie! I decided to review...

Also, here, where Demi says: Yeah, I think you definitely meant "pedals", because "peddle" means "to sell."


I think she means petals, because a pedal is the thing on a bike

Petal has my vote .

And, other than that I love it! A lot! I don't know why, but I sort of like the 2 by 4 part in the poem, but as I'm not the majority, might be a good idea to follow other's advice!
And, erm, that's it really. It's just a good poem!
Talk to you soon!
Amy <-- (you see a C there? xD )

Wow okay. This poem confused me just a tad, but oh well. It was poignant nevertheless, and gee, that person deserves a good whack in the head with his own two-by-four for what he did to you!

I love this poem. I think it is written beautifully and from the heart. I can picture this perfectly from the way you wrote. The first stanza has to be my favorite, I just love the way it flows. =)

silented1 wrote:I remember the blood spilling
ever so clearly,
smashed in the face
with a 2 by 4,
my body rolling down the hill
landing in that very field.

The 2 by 4 part isn't very fluent with the rest... it really takes away from the rest of the poem. Everything flows and is so smooth, but that part is too vivid/out of place.
Other than that, great job!

-Rach

This is gorgeous, absolutely lovely. I loved it, but it took me a while to work out what you meant by "peddles." By reading the next few lines, I figured out that you meant "petals." Other than that, I don't really have any other problems with it. I think it's the emotion of it all is the best about it. Again, I loved it!

Wow! You were really clever here, especially with the title that you used! That was just pure genious. The poem was very good. It was deep and the words held emotion if you know what I mean. Good work and keep it up you are very talented! Let me know if you ever need a review!