The runner

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Left foot. Right foot. Left foot. He kept running. As his leg pushed through the air, his mind could wander. Right foot. Why did I want to do this? Left foot. It was something about children. Right foot. The orphanage, that was it. Left foot. Raising money for charity.

He cursed himself for being so noble. He could have just donated some money, but instead he had promised to run for the cause. No time to regret his decision now. His legs carried him closer to the runner in front of him. He would do his best, at the very least.

Out of my way. Left, right, left, right and beyond the opponent. A triumphant thought. He soared past, his legs disregarding gravity with each bound. He defied the earth that wanted to stop him.

He could hear the blood pumping inside his head. He felt the rhythm of the running. It was unstoppable, inevitable and he had to follow. Not too fast. Need to save energy for the end. The final dash. It’s getting closer.

Around the corner. A host of runners ahead, chaotic and disjointed. He could not be stopped by this horde. Left, right, left. Gigantic strides, crossing continents with each step. He passed over the mountains, pathetic obstacles in his way. He reached the green plains beyond. The horde left bumbling behind him.

He must be close now. The hill was there. They had been told about the hill. Not told. Warned. The incline defeated many runners, made them give up. It would not do so to him. For on the hill was the shining city, with the finishing line and the victory. The world would notice his triumph.

Up the hill now. Left foot. Right foot. Left foot, left hitting right... He stumbled, flailing his arms as if he was trying to lash out at the thing responsible. But in vain. The ground punished him for his mistake, tearing at his legs and arms. A primitive howl emitted from his lips. No words could describe this anguish.

Fickle fate plucked the victory from under his feet. He could no longer defy gravity and taunt the ground. It had taken its revenge, showing what it could do, even to giants.

He groaned as he righted himself. The rhythm was gone, replaced by the pounding of the horde below him. Left foot. A pause as the pain swept through him like waves on the beach. Right foot. The pain retreated as he lifted up his leg, only for it to return in greater force as the foot came crashing down, the cuts tugging at his skin.

The orphanage. That kept him steady. He felt the rhythm again. Fainter, but still there. A voice of calm, telling him to keep going. The noise of the horde faded away again. The leader of the pack lay up ahead. The ground had had its trick, but that would not stop him for gaining his olive crown. Left foot. He ignored the pain. Right foot. The leader had heard him. Had quickened his pace. But that could not save him. Would not stop the worn, bleeding figure from pounding by. It was inevitable.

Only the air itself was now his enemy, keeping him back. But he needed that. Needed oxygen, energy. He could see the city and the line. It was a border that needed to be crossed, and the enemy would surrender. He would win.

He crossed the line. No exaltation. Just relief. It was over now. The orphanage. Good for them. He closed his eyes. His ragged breaths kept to the rhythm. Gradually it slowed and faded. The olives crowned his head.
Last edited by LawsonJ on Sun Sep 20, 2009 8:09 am, edited 1 time in total.




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Hi, Lawson! :-D I'm Hawkie and I'll be reviewing you today.

I. Nit-picks

Left foot. Right foot. Left foot. He kept running. As his leg pushed through the air, his mind could wander. Right foot. Why did I want to do this? Left foot. It was something about children. Right foot. The orphanage, that was it. Left foot. Raising money for charity.


Maybe it's just me, but the continuous "right foot, left foot" scheme disrupts the prose. Also, it's kind of trite; I've seen the "running" theme for beginnings many times before. Think of something more original.

A triumphant thought.


What thought is this, and why is it triumphant?

Not to fast.


Should be "too."

Need to save energy for the end.


This is a sentence fragment. I know fragments can sometimes be used for impact, but this one isn't needed.

The horde left bumbling behind him.


Should be "the horde was left . . ."

The orphanage. Good for them.


I like this a lot. :-)

II. Overall

I liked your story. The prose really captured the feeling of running! I like your protagonist, too, because he perseveres.

However, I do think your story is a little over-flowery and dramatic. It's okay to write a story about running a race. But when you use all these huge metaphors that make running a race sound like fighting an epic battle, that's not as good. Metaphors are great, but only too an extent; you also have to keep things as what they are. "A primitive howl emitted from his lips." When colorful, provocative prose is overdone like this, it can make people laugh. I'd tone it down a bit.

That was a fun read. ^^ Good job and keep writing!

-Hawks-




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Hiya! I'm Rosey and I'll be your reviewer for today.

I really liked this. You managed to create a story out of such a simple act, running, and make it have conflict. You can almost see the character grow each paragraph, as he runs. You managed to get some good metaphors, this whole work is a metaphor really, and you've got some really good descriptions in here.

Not much to say about this actually. I really liked it.

PM me with questions.

~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.




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Hey there, I'm The.Dreamwalker, here with a review.

And I must say, your imagery is quite astounding. Reading this I felt as if I was running in your characters shoes... quite literally. It was bemusing.

I loved the way your overlapped your words to create an idea of a thought pattern coming from his feet hitting the ground. The first line, particularily, attracted me to the story.

The descriptions of his cuts seemed just a tinge bit overexaggerated. A little bit over the top but it still held the same, interesting sort of feel in which I enjoyed greatly. It also surprised me by holding a beginning, a middle, and and end in which all stories usually have but many times those components are forgotten in short stories and drabbles are formed. For that, I give you props.

Interesting idea and a very nice execution.

~The.Dreamwalker
Suppose for a moment that the heart has two heads, that the heart has been chained and dunked in a glass booth filled with river water. The heart is monologuing about hesitation and fulfillment while behind the red brocade the heart is drowning. - R.S



This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper.
— T.S. Eliot