Prologue

Throughout the long course of my life there have been many memories of people, places, events, etc, that have been forgotten by me.

There have also been many memories of all the things I have mentioned above that have been remembered and kept close to my heart.

One of my memories, and this one is probably the most important out of all of them, is the story of my dearest and closest friend Allen Robert Green.

Now, to understand the story of my friend and how he changed my life one would have to know and understand the life story of Allen up to the point he met me.

In addition to that someone would need to grasp the fact that Allen was not a man that had many friends. Otherwise stating in less kinder words- he was more of an outcast then he was a social man.

I emphasis the sentence because that (the sentence above) is the reason Allen has such a peculiar way of thinking of life.

Besides being rejected (if I may use that word) by his peers as an adolescent teen, the history of his family is one that helped mold the man’s great mind into the one it became.

And so I shall start at the beginning of the series of unfortunate events that occurred at such an early age in his childhood.

When Allen Green was five years old his parents separated, not officially ever getting a divorce, Mr. Green, after spending the past four years constantly fighting with his wife over every little detail that took place in their daily lives; got up one rainy morning and left.

Just like that; he woke up one morning on a cold and rainy day, finally having enough of the constant bickering that went on between him and his wife, got in his car and left.
Over the next five years Allen and his twin sister Agatha relied on each other like a child would rely on his parent.

Author's Notes: I just need some feedback on this part of the prologue. There's more but... I haven't written it yet.

That was really good. Could you just put more of a hook at the beginning?

Hey Smiley!
I am Incognito, and I am going to review you work today.
Shall we begin?

Because your piece is a short prologue, I won't go through my whole long process of editing. I hope you don't mind.

First off, I want to say that prologues are supposed to hook the reader, get them interested and make readers ask questions. What most people do to make people want to read more of their story is actually select out a very important scene from the middle or end of the story that is action packed. It gets the reader wanting to know where it comes from, and they don't know how the story will progress to that. It will make it more attention seeking then a prologue which just explains. Your piece practically said that it was basically about explaining the life of Allen Robert Green.

That is a no-no.

Well, it can work but it isn't what readers want to read. They want to read something that makes them ask questions, make them desire to read more, but if you just blandly tell them right away the life story of your character, it isn't s good. I would suggest actually calling a preface if you want to explain items of information to want people to know before they actually get into the story line. But if you want to keep it a prologue, I suggest you shorten it, and make it more impacting and attention-seeking.

Here is another thing:

I emphasis the sentence because that (the sentence above) is the reason Allen has such a peculiar way of thinking of life.

Besides being rejected (if I may use that word) by his peers as an adolescent teen, the history of his family is one that helped mold the man’s great mind into the one it became.

I dislike brackets in writing because when you put things into brackets then that means it doesn't need to be read, and a lot of people skip over it. And most of the time, I think that the piece of the sentence in the brackets isn't needed, or it is needed enough to be added to the sentence using commas where necessary. The first one, I would just get rid of it because it is obvious that it is the sentence above and the second you should add it in using commas.

One thing I find about your writing is that it is very formal, as if there is barely any connection to the words. That is good for writing essays, and sometimes third person, but for first person it makes the narrator feel detached and harder to connect to. I think it could give an idea of the character development, but I believe you could get in there with some real emotion. It would make it seem less like a robot.

One more thing:

When Allen Green was five years old his parents separated, not officially ever getting a divorce, Mr. Green, after spending the past four years constantly fighting with his wife over every little detail that took place in their daily lives; got up one rainy morning and left.

Just like that; he woke up one morning on a cold and rainy day, finally having enough of the constant bickering that went on between him and his wife, got in his car and left.

I don't really like the repetition. We know he got up and left. I think you were trying to make it seem like it was so dramatic, but it doesn't work because of the emotionless-ness of the narrator. The repetition just seems out of place and unneeded. I think what you can do is just say that nobody knew why, or something of that sort. Get rid of one those sentences if you really feel like.

With repetition you have to be careful because it can be very overbearing. It works the same with word choice. People find when the writer uses one word over and over and in close proximity, it is fairly annoying. Readers aren't dumb, so you don't need to make sure they understood what you said the first time.

Next I want to comment on your paragraphs. It seems right now, after ever sentence, you make a new paragraph. It shouldn't be like that because with paragraphs; if the topic connects close enough, it could actually be in the same paragraph. You can do that a lot with your story, and I think it would make it a little bit more neater. If you want me to go through and tell you where they should connect, just PM me and I would be glad to help. Ill formed paragraphs are a tell tale sign of beginning writers. Everyone has or had trouble with paragraphs in the beginning.

One thing though, I am very proud of your grammar and punctuation. There is barely any errors, and the ones there are, I am sure someone else will pick them up. It is just a misplaced comma here or there. That is something I value when reading.

I hope you take my advice into consideration, and I hope to see more of your work on this site.
~Incognito

Smiley_123 wrote:Throughout the long course of my life there have been many memories of people, places, events, etc, that have been forgotten by me.

I would rephrase this because right off the bat this sounds like the beginning of a prompt like, 'What has high school been like for you so far?' You know what I mean? Basically, cut the fluff.
Try something like: 'Throughout the course of my life I have forgotten many of the people, places and events I once knew.'

Smiley_123 wrote:There have also been many memories of all the things I have mentioned above that have been remembered and kept close to my heart.

Again, this just feels really fluffy. 'things I have mentioned above' doesn't sound good to me.
Maybe try to rephrase this to something like: 'However, a few of these memories have stood out and remain close to my heart.' And you can probably also combine it with the previous line into one paragraph.

Smiley_123 wrote:One of my fondest memories, [s]and this one is probably the most important out of all of them,[/s] is the story of my dearest and closest friend Allen Robert Green.

Smiley_123 wrote:In addition to that someone would need to grasp the fact that Allen was not a man that had many friends. Otherwise stating in less kinder words- he was more of an outcast then he was a social man.

'In addition to that', 'need to grasp the fact', 'Otherwise stating in less kinder words'. Those all just sound really fluffy and kind of juvenile to me. Just cut right to it. Allen is kind of a social outcast and he doesn't have very many friends. You don't need to add in the rest of the fluffy stuff.

Smiley_123 wrote:I emphasis the sentence because that (the sentence above) is the reason Allen has such a peculiar way of thinking of life.

I would cut all of this except for the 'Allen has a peculiar way of thinking of life.' and I would put that with the previous paragraph.

Smiley_123 wrote:Besides being rejected [s](if I may use that word)[/s] by his peers as an adolescent teen, the history of his family is one that helped mold the man’s great mind into the one it became.

Smiley_123 wrote:And so I shall start at the beginning of the series of unfortunate events that occurred at such an early age in his childhood.

I would rephrase 'series of unfortunate events' because my mind has immediately jumped to that series of books. Actually, now that I think about it and read on a little you can probably just take out this sentence.

Smiley_123 wrote:Just like that; he woke up one morning on a cold and rainy day, finally having enough of the constant bickering that went on between him and his wife, got in his car and left.

I would take out this sentence because it's not adding anything new. Pretty much all the information given here was already said in the previous sentence or two.

I have to say, I am engaged. I want to know more about Allen and the MC and why he means so much to him/her. I'm interested to see where you're taking this.
Just some general pointers to keep in mind, you don't need all the fluffy language. I would just focus on the story and getting all the important information out there. I didn't see any spelling and grammar issues so that's good.
You've got a good start here, keep it up!

-Carly

Hiya! I'm Rosey and I shall be your reviewer today.

First thing that stood out to me were the small, practically sentence long paragraphs. At first, I enjoyed how they put emphasis on every single line. However, as the prologue progressed, I found the short paragraphs to be thin and repetitive. Combine some of them or expand some.

I enjoyed the slower pace at the beginning, but after you'd introduced the importance of Allen Green I wanted to find out what was so important. That's when the slow pace began to grate on me just a little bit. Another reason I'd like to see the paragraphs combined and/or expanded.

Overall, I am very curious as to what will happen and wouldn't mind knowing more!

PM me with questions.

~Rosey