First Love

"Me: The awkwardness of first love,
The confusion of new feelings.
The scramble of trying to understand yourself...
and your 'friend'.
Dusty: Lukan... did you just say I'm your first love?"

I called him my first love,
but I didn't realize it.
I told him he was my friend,
but I didn't see it.
I confessed that I don't understand,
but I didn't want to.
He brightens my everyday,
perhaps it's love; fallen astray.
what happened to make me want this?
I'm crazed over a stupid wish!
I jeopardize our friendship,
as I dream of kissing his lips.

Hi. This flows well, and I love how the second halves of the sentences alter the first halves.

I'd cut the section in italics, as I don't think you need it. I'd cut;
"brightens my everyday," and "dream of kissing his lips."

In itself there's nothing majorly wrong with this that I can see, but I think it may be interesting for your next draft to show everything you're saying through images rather than direct statements, e.g;
"I'm crazed over a stupid wish!
I jeopardise our friendship,"
instead of these I'd describe what exactly the character is doing, and how these actions would show that she's distracted and putting her friendship in jeporady.

Hope this helps.

Jas

Im going to try and review this. I think that this has a nice rythm to it. I havent had a first love yet but this is most likely how i will feel when i meet my first love. keep up the exalent work!!!!!!!

Aww. Please tell me if this is real or not. I have to know!!!

Okay, down to business.(rolls up sleeves)

This poem flows beautifully, I love how you rhym on some lines and others are not as quite rhymish(is that a word?). This has such a sweet meaning and it shows in the words. Good job. The reality hit me really hard when I realized that this happens alot to people, it shows that you can create something that people can relate to.(I had a hard time with this for awhile) But overall, you have done a most beautiful job with this. I hope you can use this(if there is anything to use). Well anyway...

Keep writing!
Teddy

Teddybear22 wrote:Aww. Please tell me if this is real or not. I have to know!!!

Okay, down to business.(rolls up sleeves)

This poem flows beautifully, I love how you rhym on some lines and others are not as quite rhymish(is that a word?). This has such a sweet meaning and it shows in the words. Good job. The reality hit me really hard when I realized that this happens alot to people, it shows that you can create something that people can relate to.(I had a hard time with this for awhile) But overall, you have done a most beautiful job with this. I hope you can use this(if there is anything to use). Well anyway...

Keep writing!
Teddy

Well... first things first, yes, this is real. Now would be a good time to explain the part in italics... The part in italics is something I told my friend a long time ago. I felt very strongly about him, and I told him that. Though I hadn't realized exactly what I had said until after. that's where this poem came from. (This boy also writes poetry on this site)

LukanRinta wrote:I called him my first love,
but I didn't realize it.
I told him he was my friend,
but I didn't see it.

This part really explains how she feels, and is really a great poetic line.
If I were you though, I would change the italics to normal font. Other than that, it is a great poem. The rythym of it is beautiful, and it flows wonderfully.

My congrats.

Im pretty sure i can relate to this poem. My first love was my a dear friend. Although when i tell people about our story, and they try to tell me it wasnt love, well i just ignore it.
I loved this poem, and i wish i could write something like this, sadly i am stuck in writing novels! psh, like im ever going to finish one of those, eh?
nice work~
SJS

runswithletters wrote:sadly i am stuck in writing novels! psh, like im ever going to finish one of those, eh?
nice work~
SJS

Stuck writing novels? lol I know how that feels. I have quite a few started... one has over ten chapters, but I really doubt I will ever finish it. The plot just gets so old after awhile... And about your fist love(unquoted here), you said your fist love was a dear friend... "The best relationships are always rooted in friendship".

I absolutely love your sense of rhythm. I think you write what you feel and this makes the poem scream and jump out at you. I would really enjoy if you published more.

haha i agree. i have found i fall in love with all of my friends!

I really liked this piece. It was one of those poems that's short, but very sweet. I thought you caught the emotion very well, because I know exactly how it feels to be in a situation like this, and that's it. I especially loved the last two lines. "I jeopardise our friendship,as I dream of kissing his lips."

A nice poem,the topic is over used, but I can deal...
The flow was tripping, but I think that in this case that added to the sweetness. Just a little girl trying to put her thoughts into words.

LukanRinta wrote:The awkwardness of first love,
The confusion of new feelings.
The scramble of trying to understand yourself...
and your "friend".

I called him my first love,
but I didn't realize it.
I told him he was my friend,
but I didn't see it.
I confessed that I don't understand,
but I didn't want to.
He brightens my everyday,
perhaps it's love; fallen astray.
what happened to make me want this?
I'm crazed over a stupid wish!
I jeopardise our friendship,
as I dream of kissing his lips.

Ah first love... bitter and sweet.

I wouldn't recommend putting , after every line. The line break already signifies a pause, therefore a comma is not needed. I am used to doing the same thing but my college professors have been railing me on it. They say it is bad form. Just a suggestion.

You start off nicely with every other line being But I didn't so and so. I think you should have continued that a little bit more. Just my 25 cents.

I thought that was really cool. was it about having a crush on your best guy friend or something? eventually going out with him maby? "I'm crazed over a stupid wish!I jeopardise our friendship,as I dream of kissing his lips." very clever. I love those lines.

This is really good